MM left his W last night...

[Havn_a_life]

See, he could have chosen to have this awful conversation with his wife ALONE in the house, not while the kids were home. He should have sent their kids off for the day so he and his wife could talk. I'm sure she regrets telling the kids, and did it out of pure anger and emotion, without thinking.

 

Those kids were going to feel exactly like they do, whether their mother told them or whether their father did.

Being devestated over your parents' D is devestating. period. No matter how they hear it.

[Havn_a_life]

Not sure why he acted this way at all, except that he wanted someone to take the fall with him...

 

Not sure why his W would feel the need to tell her children in such an uncaring fashion either...Maybe that's just the way the family is...No protection for anyone...Not even children...(I can't imagine saying the word "f***" to my children, anyways.)

 

What's done is done, though so best look to the future...I'd definitely let him know that I thought he handled it very badly...The road is definitely bumpy and unwieldy, but this is the man that you love, right? So make lemonade with the lemons and hold onto your seat, this one sounds like drama all the way around...

 

All my best,

 

GEL

 

I would watch what I said around the guy. He may not be that in love with Crazy.

If she gets too bossy too early, he might feel smothered and back away from her.

Then where would she be?

Edited January 2, 2008 by Havn_a_life
n/a

[CallMeCrazy]

Believe me, I feel terrible about all of this.... I know that I played a part in hurting a lot of other people. I've been cheated on before by an exBF so I know what she is going through. I never in a million years thought that I'd be the one doing this to another woman. I hope one day to be able to apologize to her and most definitely will do so to his children assuming I some day meet them.

 

His marriage was over a long time ago, he just hadn't admitted it to himself. They were practically like roommates. So, yes I did play a part in it, but I believe that he would have left her regardless of me. Unfortunately I will appear to be the reason their M is ending.

 

I like what OpenBook said:

With that being said... obviously (in my book, anyway) there were marital problems. And marital problems - and the ultimate dissolution of the M - happen between the two people who are in it... the H and the W. No one else.

 

I do think that his W is going to use the kids to hurt him. I am shocked that she did what she did.... I think that was terrible and she was obviously not thinking about what that could do to them ~ or simply did not care. I think both of them sitting down and telling them together after they had calmed down would have been a much better approach. But, not my decision. I know they are going to hate me now for a long time, perhaps always? I just hope as they grow older they can look at their parent's R with clearer eyes. MM and his W have been unhappy for a very long time and now they both have the opportunity to have healthy happy Rs with other people.

[Havn_a_life]

Believe me, I feel terrible about all of this.... I know that I played a part in hurting a lot of other people. I've been cheated on before by an exBF so I know what she is going through. I never in a million years thought that I'd be the one doing this to another woman. I hope one day to be able to apologize to her and most definitely will do so to his children assuming I some day meet them.

 

His marriage was over a long time ago, he just hadn't admitted it to himself. They were practically like roommates. So, yes I did play a part in it, but I believe that he would have left her regardless of me. Unfortunately I will appear to be the reason their M is ending.

 

I like what OpenBook said:

With that being said... obviously (in my book, anyway) there were marital problems. And marital problems - and the ultimate dissolution of the M - happen between the two people who are in it... the H and the W. No one else.

 

I do think that his W is going to use the kids to hurt him. I am shocked that she did what she did.... I think that was terrible and she was obviously not thinking about what that could do to them ~ or simply did not care. I think both of them sitting down and telling them together after they had calmed down would have been a much better approach. But, not my decision. I know they are going to hate me now for a long time, perhaps always? I just hope as they grow older they can look at their parent's R with clearer eyes. MM and his W have been unhappy for a very long time and now they both have the opportunity to have healthy happy Rs with other people.

 

I can promise you the shock you feel at her telling her kids about you like she did is not nearly as big of a shock as it was when she found out about you screwing her H.

[Havn_a_life]

I do think that his W is going to use the kids to hurt him. I am shocked that she did what she did.... I think that was terrible and she was obviously not thinking about what that could do to them ~ or simply did not care.

 

 

 

 

 

It seems to me she wasn't the only one not caring about the children. She told them the wrong way, but she wasn't the one having an affair with a mm or the one cheating on a spouse. There is plenty of blame to go around on this one. And everyone who is supposed to be an adult, needs to start acting like it instead of hormonal out of control teenagers. Those kids have had their world rocked by three, count them three, very irresponsible adults.

 

I feel so bad ly for those kids. My heart is with them, truly.

[CallMeCrazy]

Not sure why he acted this way at all, except that he wanted someone to take the fall with him...

 

Not sure why his W would feel the need to tell her children in such an uncaring fashion either...Maybe that's just the way the family is...No protection for anyone...Not even children...(I can't imagine saying the word "f***" to my children, anyways.)

 

What's done is done, though so best look to the future...I'd definitely let him know that I thought he handled it very badly...The road is definitely bumpy and unwieldy, but this is the man that you love, right? So make lemonade with the lemons and hold onto your seat, this one sounds like drama all the way around...

 

All my best,

 

GEL

 

I know... I have been trying to figure it out all day. I've come to two conclusions. 1.) He was too chicken to just outright say, "I want a divorce" so he had to give her a reason their M was over. He didn't want to hurt her by saying it was over long ago and I don't love you so in his mind this was a better approach?? 2.) He just could stand lying and blurted it out?

 

I just don't understand either one because that is not how I would have handled things. I've been doing a lot of thinking today. How he handled this whole thing scares me a little. He got so emotionally over his head that common sense was lost along the way. He could have spared so many people's feelings... NOT TO MENTION our jobs and specifically HIS job (and support of his family) are dangling on the line. Why would he jeopardize any of that by admitting about me. His W sounds a little crazy and I'm worried about who she may tell in a fit of rage. I can get another job no problem, but he is in a more difficult situation being my superior.

 

I love him, but have a long list of questions building that I want to go over with him once he's calmed down from the emotional rollercoaster he's on right now. I really want our R to work, and we're going to have to really get down to the nitty gritty/serious issues and lay it all out there up front.

 

Thanks GEL;)

[CallMeCrazy]

 

It seems to me she wasn't the only one not caring about the children. She told them the wrong way, but she wasn't the one having an affair with a mm or the one cheating on a spouse. There is plenty of blame to go around on this one. And everyone who is supposed to be an adult, needs to start acting like it instead of hormonal out of control teenagers. Those kids have had their world rocked by three, count them three, very irresponsible adults.

 

 

Very true....

[OpenBook]

I know they are going to hate me now for a long time, perhaps always? I just hope as they grow older they can look at their parent's R with clearer eyes. MM and his W have been unhappy for a very long time and now they both have the opportunity to have healthy happy Rs with other people.

 

They probably already know a lot more than we assume about their parents' R. As another poster pointed out earlier in this thread, kids aren't stupid. They pick up on a lot more than we think.

[underpants]

This, unfortunately, is the beginning of noticing that the hole that has been dug is a little too deep to crawl out of.

 

I say this because. The mom is most likely not going to "use" her kids. She most likely loves them as does he. Her family has been (very recently) torn apart....and yes, you had a hand in that.

 

These kids are 12 and 14? Don't underestimate them.

 

I was 10 when my parents divorced and conducted a full fledged investigation the likes of which no TV detective has done. I was not provoked by anything other then my parents' seperating and I wanted to know WHY?

 

There were no infidelities, but there was hurt, and there was selfishness, and I needed to find out why, why, why that was happening. They are lucky there was not another person involved because I also knew at the tender age of 10 that I was a minor.

 

I hope the karma train does not hit you too hard.

 

My advice is to back way off and let them resolve or dissolve their marriage issues.

[GreenEyedLady]

I know... I have been trying to figure it out all day. I've come to two conclusions. 1.) He was too chicken to just outright say, "I want a divorce" so he had to give her a reason their M was over. He didn't want to hurt her by saying it was over long ago and I don't love you so in his mind this was a better approach?? 2.) He just could stand lying and blurted it out?

 

I just don't understand either one because that is not how I would have handled things. I've been doing a lot of thinking today. How he handled this whole thing scares me a little. He got so emotionally over his head that common sense was lost along the way. He could have spared so many people's feelings... NOT TO MENTION our jobs and specifically HIS job (and support of his family) are dangling on the line. Why would he jeopardize any of that by admitting about me. His W sounds a little crazy and I'm worried about who she may tell in a fit of rage. I can get another job no problem, but he is in a more difficult situation being my superior.

 

I love him, but have a long list of questions building that I want to go over with him once he's calmed down from the emotional rollercoaster he's on right now. I really want our R to work, and we're going to have to really get down to the nitty gritty/serious issues and lay it all out there up front.

 

Thanks GEL;)

 

You don't know exactly how it went down, so it's anyone's guess...It could be that he started to tell her he wanted a D, she told him he couldn't do that and he told her about you to seal the coffin...Who knows? Having been through a D, it is scary and the emotions run so high, he could have been backed into a corner and layed it all out...

 

I don't think his W would tell his employer or she won't be getting supported, so that wouldn't be my biggest concern...My biggest concern would be that she would make my life harder, and from the sound of it, that's what she's going to try to do...Remember the first rule at SI is expose, expose, expose, so be ready for her to expose you to the community...Not saying she for sure will, but she seems on the "losing it" side, so just be prepared for that in case...You're single though, so it's not as effective...

 

Try and be supportive of him, this is a tough time...He'll need you to listen to him and just generally be there...

 

GEL

[kchiapet95]

I too agree that the kids know way more than people give them credit for, I am sure. My parents fought constantly. There was alleged infidelity but nothing was ever proven. Either way, I was glad when my dad FINALLY left. I didn't feel abandoned or anything...I wish it had happened sooner. Their constant fighting caused me much misery. What annoyed me was that my mom, after telling my dad for years, "Just leave, I wish you would leave," said when he left, "He abandoned us!" And she tried to get me to hate my father because she had issues with him. I resented being a pawn in their game, but I was glad when they finally broke up. They were miserable together. JMHO, from the child's perspective, but every child is different.

[StillSame]

His marriage was over a long time ago, he just hadn't admitted it to himself. They were practically like roommates.

 

It seems to me that either you're not sorry you're having an affair with a married man or you're trying hard to find justifications for your own action so you won't feel guilty about breaking up a family.

 

 

 

I am shocked that she did what she did.... I think that was terrible and she was obviously not thinking about what that could do to them ~ or simply did not care.

 

Look at yourself. Don't you think that apply more to you than her?

Edited January 2, 2008 by StillSame

[CallMeCrazy]

Honestly, I'm not guilty. I love him and I want to be with him. Does that make it right.... no. Do I feel badly, sure I do, but their marriage WAS over long before I came into the picture. I know that it's wrong ~ but I love him and want to be with him.

 

I do feel terrible about his kids. I know they are good kids and they did know their parents weren't getting along and that their dad was going to be moving out. I wish his W would have spared them all the graphic details, but they would have figured it out eventually anyway.

 

My parents divorced, MM's parents divorced, and we both have talked many times about how we feel that our parents made the right decision! Sure, as a child, you're sad ~ but you also want your parents happy and often times divorce is better than sticking it out in an unhealthy/unhappy relationship!

[Trimmer]

CMC, your MM acted irresponsibly to his W in the manner he told her - the manner - but not the actual telling. What he did was put everything out in the open, yes, not in the best way, but he did end the deceit.

Actually, we are inferring a lot from the OP's post, and I maintain that we don't really completely know "the manner" of how he told her. I'm betting he didn't just volunteer Crazy's name right off the bat.

She was always going to find out who the affair was with, and she had every right to know. He could not tell her he had the affair and not expect her to ask who with!

Indeed, absent further information, it seems just as likely that his understandably inquisitive wife asked, or guessed... What is going to be the first question a BS asks after he/she hears "I'm with someone else?" Of course, it's either going to be "Who?" or else she already had a guess (also likely, don't you think) that he may have simply confirmed. And the next question is going to be "How long..." So unless Crazy has more specific information otherwise, I think it just as likely that she asked and he answered honestly.

 

Secondly, maybe the kids were out of the house, or at least it could well have been a private conversation between the two of them. Little as I am inclined to defend him, from what the OP said, I can't infer that he "told his whole family."

 

Finally again, as little inclined as I am to criticize the wife, and as much as I personally identify with her distress, I think the way she handled things with her kids was (1) completely her responsibility, and (2) an abdication of her role as a parent.

I'm sorry for his children the most. I can see the wife would be absolutely devastated, but I never ever believe that such pain can allow a mother to wreak devastation on children in such a way, sharing her pain. It was unfair of her to do that.

Again, I agree; I can understand her insanity, but ultimately her kids will pay the price for it.

 

If what the thread starter says is true, the BW asked and asked if he was cheating on her. He lied.

Sorry, but the BW did what she did for good reason.

Wow... if you'd said "for a reason" then I at least submit that I understand what you are saying, even as I disagree with her actions relative to the kids, but it was absolutely not a good reason; nor is this true:

Those kids were going to feel exactly like they do, whether their mother told them or whether their father did.

Being devestated over your parents' D is devestating. period. No matter how they hear it.

I can tell you - from personal experience - that yes, divorce is a devastating loss to kids, but the way they experience and grow through that loss is very much dependent on how their parents handle it.

 

I was in a similar position to the Crazy's MM's wife - my wife left me at a time when she had already started (and of course, kept hidden) a relationship with another man. In my insanity, I could have responded by telling the kids, "your mother is f***ing John Doe," but I had enough sense to control myself and realize that while my feelings were destroyed and that I eventually had to deal with that somehow, my behavior in front of my children would have an effect on their developmental health. And in the end, in spite of a situation that significantly mirrors Crazy's, with a mutual focus on our kids and good work by both of us, we have been able to forge a good working relationship as parents that I think gives our kids the most healthy chance.

 

A divorce is never transparent, easy, or inconsequential for kids, but you can do things to support them in their loss if you keep the focus on their healthy development, or at the other end of the scale, you can certainly f**k it up significantly through indiscriminate lashing out. It does "matter how they hear it."

[Jilly Bean]

Crazy, I am just astonished that you are directly (not solely) responsible for wrecking a family, and you seem to have nothing but crocodile tears for the children and don't seem able to take a shred of blame. You are more concerned that he "outted" you. How did you think this was all going to play out? Did you think that you would be his cookie on the side, and when he left her, she would wish you both well and help him pack? Did you not know how many lives you and he would be responsible for ruining when the truth was revealed?

 

If it wasn't you, would he have found someone else to have an affair with? Most likely yes - this kind of behavior is a personality flaw, and if he was looking to get out and cheat, it wasn't because of you, it was because of him. You were just along for the ride as a catalyst.

 

Still, as a grown woman, I am amazed at your callous attitude towards his wife, particularly since you said you were cheated on once and know full well how horrible it is. ALL married guys who cheat lie to their mistresses and say what a miserable, sexless marriage they have. They HAVE to say this in order to engage you in the game. But don't believe it all. I am sure she is purely devastated, and that there was probably more good between them than you knew, and if he truly cared about YOU and your "relationship", he would have protected you when he told her, don't you think? Yes, as you said, he did throw you under the bus. What do you think that means? I think he told her your name and details because he was just using you to get out of his marriage.

 

Ultimately, always remember two things. 1- the way they come to you is the way they go out on you. So, expect the same treatment. 2- karma is a bitch. And actions like this do not go unnoticed by the Universe.

[StillSame]

Honestly, I'm not guilty.

 

sigh! If you truly don't feel guilty, I feel sorry for you.

 

Whatever you have with your married man (including having sex in an elevator) is not right no matter how you look at it. Bragging about it and being proud of it is just wrong in so many ways.

[mopar crazy]

I haven't read all the replies...

It really annoys me when an OW says she was in no way at fault for the break up of a M. If she knew the he was M and continued w/ the A then yes, she is partly to blame. He wasn't in the A alone now was he?

 

How she told the children was wrong, but I can understand why she told them. She was hurt, angry, and unless you have been M and found out your spouse was cheating on you you will never, ever know how to react. This was her reaction, right or wrong. Now she has to pick herself up and take care of herself and those children.

 

What a sh@tty time to tell them. It's bad enough he told her he wanted out of the M during the holidays but to say he is having an A too, PR!CK!

[OpenBook]

If it wasn't you, would he have found someone else to have an affair with? Most likely yes - this kind of behavior is a personality flaw, and if he was looking to get out and cheat, it wasn't because of you, it was because of him. You were just along for the ride as a catalyst.

 

Wow, 60% of the married male population has a "personality flaw"?? Then we (as women) have got bigger problems on our hands than we realize.

[CallMeCrazy]

I meant to say sorry... not guilty. However, I am sorry and sad ~ but I guess I have justified everything because he was in a dead marriage. Plus today my emotions have been all over the place. I don't think I was prepared for everything that happened. I didn't mean to sound so heartless.

 

We have so much fun together, and seem to connect/click like no other person I've never met. We were friends first for so long and I fell in love with him. I know it's wrong, but I couldn't help it because it was so right.

[StillSame]

Honestly, I'm not guilty.

 

sigh! If you truly don't feel guilty, I feel sorry for you.

 

Whatever you have with your married man (including having sex in an elevator) is not right no matter how you look at it. Bragging about it and being proud of it is just wrong in so many ways.

[Trimmer]

I am so curious as to why anyone is upset at a betrayed wife acting like a betrayed wife.

I'm not surprised at that at all, but I have little patience for a parent not acting like a parent. And this applies to him too, I'm not saying "her:bad; him:good" here... I'm just saying don't abdicate your parental responsibility to your kids because of your spousal insanity.

 

...their marriage WAS over long before I came into the picture.

...he was in a dead marriage.

If that were true in fact (as opposed to just the presentation that he provided you...) why would she have been so insanely upset? And I'm not asking this to give you grief, but to consider what her frame of mind might have been. Maybe she wasn't quite so "prepped" as he was telling you???

[Tomcat33]

It really annoys me when an OW says she was in no way at fault for the break up of a M. If she knew the he was M and continued w/ the A then yes, she is partly to blame. He wasn't in the A alone now was he?

 

!

 

 

Well that's just too bad it bothers people so much what this woman is saying, we all know you cannot make a person leave a relationship anymore than you make a person stay in one. So if a marriage breaks up it is because one person did not want it anymore. Stop projecting and you won't have such a problem with accepting reality for what it is.

 

CallMeCrazy you shouldn't feel guilty for breaking up a marriage, because you didn't. you have enough on your plate to take on the burden of believing a marriage dissolved because of you, HOW RIDICULOUS!! BSs just need a scapegoat for their lack of acceptance of reality, don't play in to it.

Edited January 2, 2008 by Tomcat33

[GirlZilla]

Well that's just too bad it bothers people so much what this woman is saying, we all know you cannot make a person leave a relationship anymore than you make a person stay in one. So if a marriage breaks up it is because one person did not want it anymore. Stop projecting and you won't have such a problem with accepting reality for what it is.

 

CallMeCrazy you shouldn't feel guilty for breaking up a marriage, because you didn't. you have enough on your plate to take on the burden of believing a marriage dissolved because of you, HOW RIDICULOUS!! BSs just need a scapegoat for their lack of acceptance of reality, don't play in to it.

 

Nicely stated!

[OpenBook]

If that were true in fact (as opposed to just the presentation that he provided you...) why would she have been so insanely upset? And I'm not asking this to give you grief, but to consider what her frame of mind might have been. Maybe she wasn't quite so "prepped" as he was telling you???

 

Here's why...

 

He had already been prepping her for his departure. Over the last few weeks they decided that after the holidays he would move out and they would seperate. They split up finances, sold some major items and prepared for this. She had been repeatedly asking him if he was having an A which he denied. Well.... last night that all flew out the window.

 

Not only did he say that he had been having sex with me for the last several months ~ he told her my name. I'm sick.... I understand that this is a consequence of my decision to enter into this type of R but was this really the best decision....!?!

[Tomcat33]

It's like having a couple who is having sexual intimacy problems becuse the H spends too much looking at porn so much so he doesn't want to even touch his W anymore, so the W proceeds to leave him because he stopped having sex with her. What's she gonna do sue Penthouse for putting out porn because her husband prefered to make love to it rather than her?

 

RIDICULOUS!!!