unhappy marriage, ex is back in life

[greenrm]

Here is the situation. i have been married for 1 1/2 yrs, no kids. my wife and i have always had problems with sex and i feel like we really dont fit together. we both felt pressure to get married, we are both 34yrs old. our sex life is really bad now, maybe 2x's a month and i feel unsatisfied. a few months ago i cheated, not full on sex, oral. i felt terrible about it then this happened. About 2 weeks ago i recvd a postcard in the mail from my ex girlfriend that i dated 7yrs ago. we have stayed in contact the past 7yrs, talked maybe every 6 months. i consider her to be my soulmate, we dated for 2yrs, i was totally in love with her and wanted to marry her and still feel that way. she ended up getting married to a older man with lots of cash, she was dating him before i met her. well now she is getting a divorce from him after being married for 3yrs. her marriage was terrible and she said she really was never in love with him. I told her my problems and we have been talking everyday. i have seen her a few times and we had a great time, just like when we were together 7yrs ago. should i trust her? i want a separation from my wife and i want to be with my ex, is that a totally wrong thing to do? she says she now knows what she wants and its me, she also regrets not getting married to me when we dated. she said it was the worst mistake of her life.

[midori]

I think that before you can rightfully tackle the issue of this ex you need to get clear on what you're going to do about your marriage. You owe it to your wife to sort things out with her before you get entangled in something else.

 

Besides, it'll be much harder to know where you stand with the ex, and what will be best for you, if you're using her as an exit strategy from your marriage.

 

If you want a separation, move out. If you want a divorce, call a lawyer. Personally I think the decent thing to do would be to have a conversation with your wife before you undertake either course of action. You married her for a reason after all. If the marriage is failing that doesn't mean it can't be repaired. Maybe it can't. But the two involved parties ought to make an honest assessment of the possibilities before deciding to dissolve the marriage -- don't you think?

 

Until you get yourself sorted on that front, I think the wise course of action vis a vis your ex would be to back off and minimize contact with her. You don't need to blow her off, just tell her that you've got some things to sort out and you're going to be incommunicado for a while.

 

FYI, your ex is not a good sounding board for your marital problems. She's not an unbiased observor. She's got an agenda. So no matter how understanding she might appear to be about your problems with your wife, you will not be doing yourself or your marriage a favor by discussing such things with your ex.

 

If the ex isn't able to be patient, and understanding of your situation, then it seems to me like she's too selfish to even be a friend, let alone a potential lover/partner. She made her choices years ago, and while it's nice that she wants to be back in your life now, she has to realize that in the meantime you've made other commitments and have other things that require your attention before you'll be able to deal with her.

 

I think you should try to focus on your wife and marriage, and see how that gets resolved. Don't let your hopes for your ex cloud your judgement about your marriage. If the marriage isn't going to work, fine. End it. After careful analysis.

 

Whatever decision you make on that front, make it as if the ex is not in the picture. You really have no reason to believe that she could be a good presence in your life.