In cyberspace, no one can hear you scream (warning: longish post)

[Carbine]

As some of you know, I've been broken up with my ex bf for a year now. My whole existence has been geared towards getting him back or otherwise admitting defeat in this life. While we remain friends he's told me that there's no chance whatsoever for us to rekindle the relationship. Right from the start of the relationship I strongly suspected that he wasn't entirely happy with me because of my body (weight/proportion etc). Since we met two and a half years ago, I asked him for the truth every single day and every single ****ing day he's lied to me point blank.

 

I've done everything within my power to try and change his mind and lately, we've been getting on amazingly well. I've gotten over my jealousy towards prettier girls, I'm nice and polite to his friends and family even when his mates are downright rude to me, I've gone from 127 pounds to 105, bleached my dark hair blond to the point where it's falling out in clumps, and even been to strip clubs with him as a way to try and show him I was completely over my insecurity/jealousy issues. He wanted to know why I was 'cured' of my problems so quickly and the only way I could kill his suspicions was to lie to him and pretend to be bisexual. Of course, he loved learning this. On friday night he decided to take us both to a brothel and stupidly, I went along.

 

Fast forward to New Year's eve. He and 3 of his mates had planned to go down the coast for a boys' trip for 4 nights and that I wasn't invited. He changed his mind so we drove up seperately to them and stayed in different accommodation. His mates were NOT happy about this, so the plan was that I'd leave after 2 nights and he'd get a lift back with them. The whole time his mates were nothing but cruel towards me, trying to stir up trouble in order to blame me but I stuck to my guns and kept being polite and trying to have fun. My ex revealed to me that because I've changed so much, he's been considering getting back with me. My heart soared. Shortly after this we had a huge fight over something unrelated and he took back what he said.

 

I decided it was time to find out the truth once and for all - to get past his stupid pride and politically correct facade to the heart of it. And after about 3 hours of screaming, crying, hurling abuse back and forth, threatening and being punched and slapped I finally got it out of him; "Yes, Carbine, if you had a better body I'd want to be with you. A girl who is lean and toned would have more of a chance with me than you. If you really want to get me back you'll lose weight and tone up and then after that it's about personality..." After this things went rapidly downhill. At this point I decided that when I got home, I'd commit suicide.

 

This morning (when i was planned to leave and come home) he couldn't wait to get me out of there fast enough. I was in hysterics and he became worried that I would end up hanging around to cause trouble. I asked him if he'd consider taking me back after all of this and he promised that what he said stuck; tone up, and he'll give me a chance. I was worried that he was saying this just to get me to leave and I admitted to him that I was at breaking point and about my plans to bail out of life. I said "I need some insurance for the promise you made. If you break it then I have nothing left in life to carry on with. As soon as I leave, you can take it back, or you can turn around and pretend that you've forgotten what you said". He gave me a signed note that reads:2/1/09 I will give _______ (my real name) another chance if she gets a job and gets herself fit and healthy.

 

He also gave me $500 and a heroin dealer's number so that I can OD and bail from this life if worst comes to worst. I just got home from the 5 hour drive. My ex won't talk to me on the phone, won't return my text messages and won't confirm or deny whether his promise was just a scam to get me to leave town. I'm sitting here wondering what to do now.

 

So there you have it ladies and...(well I was going to say ladies and gentlemen but I think this bit is just for the ladies). There you have it - What Men Want. You can say my ex is just a random a*shole and that not all men think this way but I've experienced this sort of this time and time again in the past. Certainly not to the same extent as what happened over New Years but it's still there. It doesn't matter if you're smart, kind, generous, talented - whatever. You'll still be much much more desired, favoured and respected - and treated better - simply because you've got a good body. For christsakes, you can even be beautiful (facially) and it still counts for nothing. Even if your face is downright UGLY it doesn't matter as long as your body makes up for it. He admitted yesterday that when he saw her face it was "bad enough to put me off my food" but that he'd "snap her up in an instant because she has a body like a supermodel".

 

This is the end of the line for me. I've tried and tried and tried to get ahead in life. Tried to study hard, get my university degree, work hard at my part-time (yet still respectable) job, be nice, generous and kind, be a good friend, make the most of my looks and generally try to be content with my life. But it seems that, because I've committed the mortal sin of being a few pounds overweight, I deserve to suffer. It's happened repeatedly throughout my life and now I'm just sick of it and tired of trying. Some years ago, (long before I met my ex) I tried to become 'toned'. I was training for hours each day at one of the best gyms in the state, having 3-4 sessions per week with a top personal trainer and eating really, really well. She promised me it would work. When she did my measaurments and body fat analysis after months and months of hard training and thousands of dollars, I'd only lost not even 1% of body fat. I remember I jumped into my car with tears streaming down my face and sped off looking for miles and miles with the thought that I should end my drive by wrapping my car around a tree. I wish I'd had the guts to go through with it back then. There's no point even trying to transform myself into the toned, fit girl my ex wants to be with. Because of this, I'm going to lose the only person I've ever loved and the only man I could ever be content and happy with.

 

I don't know what to do. I'm so sick of this. No matter what I do, I'm just going to keep getting kicked by life and then kicked even more when I'm down.

Edited January 16, 2008 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[shadowplay]

I just skimmed the first half of this post and there is sooo much wrong here.

 

Let me get this straight: your ex is abusive and actually tried to help you commit suicide, and you're regretting losing him? WTF.

 

And then you post a picture of some innocent stranger he's interested in and disparage her looks? That's a terrible thing to do. I hope you get an infraction for that.

 

Cut this guy loose and get some professional help ASAP.

[Carbine]

I should have added that anyone thinking of suggesting that I cut him out of my life and get professional help would be wasting their time. Please. I've tried both of these things and they have not worked. In fact they have made the situation worse. "Cut him out. Get some help. Cut him out. Get some help. Cut him out. Get some help". It's like beating my head against a ****ing brick wall.

 

Shadowplay - She's not some innocent stranger, she's an old friend of his sister's. She apparently saw his profile on a dating site and purchased some credits to contact him. After going out on dates and leading him on for ages, he asked her out and she said she'd only just wanted to say hello when she saw his profile and that she didn't want a relationship or anything with him. But being the typical egotistical male he is, he can't accept it and he's gotten it into his head that he's good enough to get girls like that, with bodies of supermodels which in turn allows him to slip further out of my grasp. Furthermore, for NYE she was meant to be going up to his sister's place which is very close to the town where all of us were staying. I've no doubt she had something to do with him and his mates not wanting me to come on the trip. I know for a fact he warned her that I can be like around other girls and that she made up some sob-story about how she and a male friend were being stalked by one of her ex's (death threats and all) and how she's been through "a similar hell" to what I've apparently put him through. You have to wonder how low some people - usually women - will stoop.

 

Please note also that I didn't actually disparage her looks. I was posting his thoughts regarding her appearance.

[Trialbyfire]

Carbine, you do know you're obsessed with this guy, don't you?

[Carbine]

Trialbyfire: you do know that you're trying to patronise me, don't you?

 

You gotta love that. 2 replies, both trying to come up with reasons to blame ME for this. Yes, I'm to blame but it's my body, not my goddamn attitude.

[Trialbyfire]

Am I patronizing you or asking you a question that you refuse to answer?

 

Why are you so stuck on a guy who's so incredibly twisted and superficial? Is this the man of your dreams? He suggested you commit suicide.

 

You're accusing him of the exact same behaviour you're displaying Carbine. You're obsessed with him and he's obsessed with her. You've blamed it on your body. Do you hate yourself so much?

[Carbine]

Am I patronizing you or asking you a question that you refuse to answer?

 

And the question is? If it's 'Is this your fault?' cleverly disguised, then the answer is NO.

 

Why are you so stuck on a guy who's so incredibly twisted and superficial? Is this the man of your dreams? He suggested you commit suicide.

 

I am not going to bother wasting my time trying to explain why I'm stuck on him. I've tried a million times on here and it just falls on deaf ears. And as I've already stated, every other man is the same so what does it matter? I'm the one who suggested suicide, not him.

 

Do you hate yourself so much?

 

Yes

[Trialbyfire]

And the question is? If it's 'Is this your fault?' cleverly disguised, then the answer is NO.

Is it a matter of fault or is it a matter of having sufficient strength within yourself, to walk away from a truly unhealthy situation.

 

I am not going to bother wasting my time trying to explain why I'm stuck on him. I've tried a million times on here and it just falls on deaf ears. And as I've already stated, every other man is the same so what does it matter?

That's fine. It doesn't change the fact that he's no longer someone you can call a b/f, SO or partner.

 

I'm the one who suggested suicide, not him.

My mistake. He gave you $500 to complete your task. Are these actions of someone who cares about you?

Yes

So it's not that he's the issue here, is it? It's that he's the perfect way to self-destruct, where you can use him as an excuse to do so.

[Krytie TV]

Carbine, this really is YOUR deal because you choose to not only keep him in your life, but you cling to everything he says like he's a prophet or something. He's one man and you're letting him dictate your life, worth, and happiness. As long as you continue to do that, I have no advice for you except that you get used to this treatment.

 

Or you can try to change him... see how that's working?

[Carbine]

Is it a matter of fault or is it a matter of having sufficient strength within yourself, to walk away from a truly unhealthy situation.

 

You really do not know what you're talking about. Do you have ANY idea of the life Id be walking into if I did walk away from him?? When I first met him, I was teetering on the brink of it and I can assure Its about as damn unhealthy as you can get.

 

My mistake. He gave you $500 to complete your task. Are these actions of someone who cares about you?

 

Yes. He knows about my past and where I'm headed in the future. He doesn't want to see me have to go through that.

 

So it's not that he's the issue here, is it? It's that he's the perfect way to self-destruct, where you can use him as an excuse to do so.

 

Once again, Trial, you are attempting to patronise me and it's pretty sad. Go have another quick glance at your pop psychiatry book and please find the section that explains how and why human beings are genetically programmed to suddenly self-destruct. Tell us exactly what it says.

[Trialbyfire]

Carbine, no one can help you until you want to help yourself.

[Carbine]

Oh my god, Trial, this is so ****ing ridiculous that it's almost enough to make me smile. Perhaps even laugh.

 

What the hell do you think i'm asking for, and have been asking for since my problems began???

[BlueEyedGirl]

Cabrine,

 

I love your thread title, bonus points for originality.

 

I always get annoyed when I post something and I get 10 replies along the lines of "Get over it". I know people mean well, but if we could just "Get over it" we wouldn't be posting here.

 

Having said that, I don't really have any wise advice apart from fully agreeing with you on what men are like. Honestly it has put me off dating and relationships completly.

 

I was like you stuck on some guy for 5 years or so until one day I just woke up and I simply didn't care anymore. Turns out that I just stopped caring about everything and while I'm not stuck on anyone anymore, I just feel empty. And I'm not sure which is worse.

[Carbine]

Thanks, Blueeyedgirl. It's frightening to meet someone who has been through this and knows whats on the other side. It really flies in the face of those who are happy to believe that everything will work out. I've never really understood that whole school of thought. Yes, some people mean well but you really have to ask yourself whether what they're saying is based on experience or if it's really just based on a combination of fear and some stupid religious principle or spiritual belief. I think people want to believe more than anything that there's some sort of reward at the end of survival, and that we're being watched over/protected by some force as we endure our suffering.

 

The emptiness is the realisation that none of this is true. It's the arrival of a complete absence of faith in love, money, justice, god etc. It's called nihilism. Welcome to my world.

[Carbine]

Krytie: but you're not listening to me. This is not about one man, its about all of them. Anyway, the men Ive met in the past were not men I'd want to be romantically involved with. My ex was an exception and turned out to be the person I realised that I wanted to be with for life. So sue me.

 

I've tried to change him in the past and realised it was pointless. Tried to change myself and same realisation. Now what?

[Mz. Pixie]

What the hell do you think i'm asking for, and have been asking for since my problems began???

 

No, you're not. Because several people have layed out suggestions for you and you've blown them off and gotten defensive.

 

You don't like it because we're not telling you what you want to hear.

 

You need some serious help which IMO cannot be obtained on a message board. If you're seeing a therapist I suggest you find a new one because it's not helping apparently. I personally think you could benefit from some inpatient help.

[blind_otter]

I'm sorry that you feel this way. I've never had a model physique and have never had that issue with the men I date...I don't really think about it, to be honest with you. I don't think this is about ALL men, it's about the men you choose to date.

 

I, for example, date dirtbags who have alcohol issues. It's a pretty consistent thing for me...but I realize that not all men are like this. It's something inside me that attracts me to those sort of men. Something lacking in my self-esteem, I suppose.

 

You sound so desperate and inconsolable! I would never make an agreement like that with an ex. I can't help but ask, what is it about this man that makes you want to be with him so badly? Was your relationship that good when you were together? Did he treat you especially well and put you up on pedastel? Right now it sounds like he treats you like crap and completely disrespects you. I know how that feels. It's extremely unpleasant.

[Lishy]

Hi

 

Can I ask what is so special about him that makes you so desperate to be with a man who treats you like sh*t and even gives you the money to buy heroin to kill yourelf?

 

Are you a heroin addict?

[Carbine]

Mz Pixie: I wonder how many times I have to say it for the message to sink in - I HAVE TRIED following those suggestions BUT they have NOT WORKED.

 

Wow, inpatient treatment huh? That sounds pretty serious. And what do you suppose they commit me for?

 

I can't help but ask, what is it about this man that makes you want to be with him so badly?

 

If I thought it was worth explaining, Otter, I would. But I'm not going to waste my energy going through the graphic, intimate details of why, just so pompous idiots like Mz Pixie and the rest of them can have fun trying to tear it all apart. Understand this: 20 years ago I had my life taken away from me. Every second since then has was spent in agony - all in the name of survival. He changed all that. He turned my survival back into a life and what's more, into a life that's worth living. That's why.

[blind_otter]

I understand that you believe that he saved you...but no one can save you but yourself. I think this might be an issue of you not loving yourself. If you don't love yourself, no one will be able to love you....

[Kasan]

Understand this: 20 years ago I had my life taken away from me. Every second since then has was spent in agony - all in the name of survival. He changed all that. He turned my survival back into a life and what's more, into a life that's worth living. That's why.

 

How was your life taken away from you? From what you have written, I don't see how your ex made your life worth living.

[Kasan]

I understand that you believe that he saved you...but no one can save you but yourself.

 

Carbine--

 

I would like to add to blind_otter's comment. I really believe that you had a considerable hand in saving yourself.

[Carbine]

Are you a heroin addict?

 

*ROTFLMAO* Okay Lishy, hats off to you for giving me the first laugh I've had all day!

 

Now can I please ask what the hell would make you think that????

[Lizzie60]

I didn't read your whole post... but I have to agree with b_o...

 

You are the one who can save yourself.. help yourself... no one else can do it for you...

 

I checked the link... and I was speechless... how can you post the picture of someone else without her knowing about this...

 

This is sooooo wrong...

 

Let me ask you something... would you like your bf or anyone to post a picture of you and make fun of it...

 

[Krytie TV]

The fact that just reading your typing makes me feel like I'm starting to freak out. I get fidgety reading it.

 

Maybe you could "force" him to love you.