In cyberspace, no one can hear you scream (warning: longish post)

[D-Lish]

105 pounds and he thinks you're fat does he?

Nice.

 

If you're posting here to gather advice on how to win this guy back, I truly don't think you'll find those answers here.

[Carbine]

Inpatient treatment for this obsession you have with this man. It's incredible.

 

You cannot hospitalise someone for being 'obsessed'. That's ridiculous.

 

You just want to tear me down because I'm not telling you what you want to hear.

 

The same could be said for you.

 

B-O and I and several others here have survived some horrible stuff in our pasts. Mine in particular was every type of abuse you could ever suffer- mental, sexual, emotional and physical

 

Sexual abuse, huh? What, you mean some guy whistled at you when you walked past a building site??

 

Go away. I don't care who you are or what you've been through, I just can't take your posts seriously. You've attempted in every way, shape and form to make me out to be some sort of deluded basket case and I resent it. So if you want to prove to the rest of the board how right you are, then be my guest. But I'm not listening.

 

I am glad this question was asked, as I didn't see any of these qualities in your postings.

 

Didn't you say that he lied to you? I guess him giving you $500 to get some heroin to kill yourself could be considered generous.

 

Yes, he lied about one thing. Aside from that, he's pretty damn honest. He didn't give the money as a gift, he offered me a way out because he understands the predicament I'm in. Don't go splitting hairs.

 

You say you've "tried" therapy, but you haven't really tried. Therapy takes a lot of work. You don't magically get better by sitting in a room and talking about your problems once a week. You have to make a concerted effort to change, and you're not willing to do that.

 

And I guess you've sat in on every session I've ever attended, in order to be able to draw that conclusion?

 

105 pounds and he thinks you're fat does he?

Nice.

 

No, he did not say fat. He said I was not toned.

[blind_otter]

With the attitude that you express on this message board I can understand why your boyfriend dumped you. It probably has nothing to do with how you look, and 100% to do with how you act.

[HisLove]

People only treat you the way you let them. Get some dignity and self respect and stop being a doormat. Only THEN will he stop wiping his feet on you.

 

He's just not that into you. Deal with it.

[Lishy]

You cannot hospitalise someone for being 'obsessed'. That's ridiculous.

 

 

 

The same could be said for you.

 

 

 

Sexual abuse, huh? What, you mean some guy whistled at you when you walked past a building site??

 

Go away. I don't care who you are or what you've been through, I just can't take your posts seriously. You've attempted in every way, shape and form to make me out to be some sort of deluded basket case and I resent it. So if you want to prove to the rest of the board how right you are, then be my guest. But I'm not listening.

 

 

 

Yes, he lied about one thing. Aside from that, he's pretty damn honest. He didn't give the money as a gift, he offered me a way out because he understands the predicament I'm in. Don't go splitting hairs.

 

 

 

And I guess you've sat in on every session I've ever attended, in order to be able to draw that conclusion?

 

 

 

No, he did not say fat. He said I was not toned.

 

 

You have probably the ugliest attitude I have ever seen on here! Remember people are taking their free time to talk to you and give you feedback ... More than your nasty ex did!

 

Show some repect!

[mental_traveller]

You said your ex is very honest, but in your first post you said "Since we met two and a half years ago, I asked him for the truth every single day and every single ****ing day he's lied to me point blank."

 

Which is it - is he honest or did he lie to you each day? People will find it hard to take your posts seriously when they have flagrant contradictions like this.

[Lishy]

Her post is one big contradiction!

 

You can't help the un-helpable!

[tinke]

reading your replies is like watching seinfeld..you can't be serious!

 

does DBT ring a bell?

 

step back...BREATHE!

Edited January 7, 2008 by tinke

[tinke]

your life has not failed because he is not a part of it any longer.

 

he may have HELPED to keep your life balanced, but you are capable of doing this alone now.

 

the poor self-talk only sustains a poor self-image, you can change that. make healthy changes for YOURSELF, not to please him. you have to be kind to yourself first, and then the others will follow suit.

 

wishing you well.

 

step back from him...allow him some space and see where this will go...naturally.

[MystifiedByMen]

I know what you are going through when it comes to the body thing. My ex of 6 years is a body builder and I spent so much time in the gym. I was totally ripped, took all kinds of supplements, fat burners, water pills.. etc.. and kept my body that way just to please him. Even with the perfect body I had, it wasn't enough. After 6 years of mental abuse and cheating, I was devastated and moved away from him. A year after parting ways I was still completely torn and missed him. Why? I have no idea. I was in love with the fact that I THOUGHT he was the perfect guy for me. I really thought that I could change him by being nice. Cooking dinner, doing his laundry, whatever he needed, I was there for him. I did EVERYTHING I could to keep this guy. I was utterly crushed when I forced myself to leave. I left a year and a half ago and it hurt up until just a few months ago. I look back now and realize I know it wasn't me b/c I did everything right. He is now 30, still single, never told a woman he loved her, including me. He will be the old balding creepy guy in the club who is lonely because he is so superficial and all about himself, a womans body, and looks. A few weeks ago, I realized that I have not heard a man tell me he loves me in almost 10 years. My entire adult life and some of my high school life. I totally deprived myself from the basic human need of being loved and let that guy totally take advantage of my feelings. I finally see that now. I woke up as you will too. I'm not going to go into detail of the Jerry Springer episode as our relationship was, but trust me when I say it was messed up. I’m still learning what in now ‘normal’ for a relationship though the patient guy I’m currently in a relationship with. He is fulfilling my emotional needs and I’m finally feeling satisfied and let me tell you how wonderful and yet strange that is to me. I’m no longer underweight, and I’m happier, healthy mentally, and emotionally satisfied. So, I do understand that effort and frustration on your half and I will tell you it will pass. I know these words mean nothing to you right now.

 

You have no idea who you are as a person. You need to learn about yourself and your needs and seek to fulfill them. This is what I did. The only way to do this is to spend some time (a long time, perhaps a year) alone away from him. He'll always be there if you want to revert back to the way you are now so what would time alone away from him really hurt? It'd be worth a shot.

[bozwa]

kasan: So you're saying that I should just accept my failure, let him go and wait till someone who is desperate enough to put up with me comes along? If that's the case then maybe it's better coming home to an empty house and empty bed for the rest of my life

 

Maybe that would be best. I've only been reading your posts in this thread for a few minutes and I already can't stand you. Ask for advice then berate, belittle and insult the people who give it to you? What kind of person does that? What kind of person is 127lbs, told they are fat and must lose weight before a certain someone will love them, so they lose weight and compromise who they are?

 

What kind of person had such a "hard life" but yet acts like a spoiled brat when they don't hear what they want to hear?

 

I've got no advice for you. It would fall on deaf ears/blind eyes anyways. Do what you want. You're going to anyway.

[Mz. Pixie]

You cannot hospitalise someone for being 'obsessed'. That's ridiculous.

 

No but you can for being delusional.

 

 

 

The same could be said for you

 

Really? In what way?? Did I come here looking for advice or did you??

I'm happily married sweetheart- in every way. I come here to help other people and according to what I've been told by other posters, I do a pretty good damn job of it.

 

 

Sexual abuse, huh? What, you mean some guy whistled at you when you walked past a building site??

 

No wonder your boyfriend left you for someone else. This quote above tells me all I need to know about you.

 

I don't care who you are or what you've been through, I just can't take your posts seriously. You've attempted in every way, shape and form to make me out to be some sort of deluded basket case and I resent it.

 

No what I've attempted to do is to tell you in a nice way to get over yourself. There have been so many people who have been through worse than their boyfriend leaving them. As a matter of fact there is a poster on this site whose partner left her because she has cancer. That's a real problem. I guess you'll be as callous as to attack her too.

 

And I can post in any topic I want to and will continue to do so if I feel like it. But as for right now you're so not worth my time. I'll go and post to someone who actually does want some help- and it's apparent that you do not.

[Lishy]

Ms Pixie, you give wonderful advice and always have! Please do not take her insults personal. Carbine just has severe self esteem issues and she does what her boyfriend does, to others as that is what she has learned from being with 'Mr Wonderful'

 

She is delusional from abuse at the moment but she will wake up and smell the coffee.

 

Dont let her put you off of your wonderful and thought out advice!

 

xx

[Mz. Pixie]

Ms Pixie, you give wonderful advice and always have! Please do not take her insults personal. Carbine just has severe self esteem issues and she does what her boyfriend does, to others as that is what she has learned from being with 'Mr Wonderful'

 

She is delusional from abuse at the moment but she will wake up and smell the coffee.

 

Dont let her put you off of your wonderful and thought out advice!

 

xx

 

Thanks Lishy. I won't.

[MerryMelodie]

Wait a minute... this guy thinks you are fat and you went from 127 down to 105?!!!! What a shallow loser he is!!!! I weigh 115 and my man loves my body. Seriously I can't believe someone that thin would be considered fat!!! The average american woman weighs around 140-150 and that's not even fat. What does this guy want a ****ing skeleton with no pulse!?

[cutegirl]

I went through something similar with an old ex.

I can really relate to you because I also am very jealous/competitive/easily intimidated to women who are really attractive. I am naturally petite but the thing that's wrong with me was that I'm flat chested. My ex told me he wanted a woman with big boobs and that was the reason why he didn't want to be with me. I was so desperate that I actually offered to get a boob job to please him. Of course I would have to pay for it myself too. He told me he was embarrassed to be seen in public with me (go restaurants, malls etc) because my boobs weren't big enough and he wasn't proud to be seen with me.

 

I was even doing research on-line about boob jobs etc. I was so desperate that I would have done anything to keep him, I had no problems at all risking my life going under the knife etc, I would have done ANYTHING to keep him. I never got the boob job but what happened was that a month or so later we broke up anyways. Now I realize that a boob job was still not a guarantee that he would stay, only that he would try and stay a little bit longer...

 

My ex also went to strip clubs behind my back and lied, and then when he confessed he would say they have "better bodies" than me and "dance better" etc.

 

You should know it's ok to be alone forever too. I am sick of men too, I think they all cheat and are always looking for someone "better" or "hotter" but I'm content being alone now. As long as you make a lot of money, I think life can be pretty good being alone. There's nothing a man can do for me that I can't do for myself. As for sex just use a vibrator and porn, it's better than the real thing anyways.

[Leoni]

My ex told me he wanted a woman with big boobs and that was the reason why he didn't want to be with me. I was so desperate that I actually offered to get a boob job to please him. Of course I would have to pay for it myself too. He told me he was embarrassed to be seen in public with me (go restaurants, malls etc) because my boobs weren't big enough and he wasn't proud to be seen with me.

 

I was even doing research on-line about boob jobs etc. I was so desperate that I would have done anything to keep him, I had no problems at all risking my life going under the knife etc, I would have done ANYTHING to keep him. I never got the boob job but what happened was that a month or so later we broke up anyways. Now I realize that a boob job was still not a guarantee that he would stay, only that he would try and stay a little bit longer...

 

Nothing personal cutegirl but your ex was an ass.

[cutegirl]

Nothing personal cutegirl but your ex was an ass.

 

Yea but not as bad as Carbine's though. My ex didn't give me money for heroine to overdose or anything like that. I guess he developed a big boob fetish.

 

He told me he was a superficial person and that's what he wanted, and also he said he wanted to bang new people. I think in truth he just got sick of me.

[Leoni]

Yea but not as bad as Carbine's though. My ex didn't give me money for heroine to overdose or anything like that. I guess he developed a big boob fetish.

 

He told me he was a superficial person and that's what he wanted, and also he said he wanted to bang new people. I think in truth he just got sick of me.

Would you ever let someone else dictate those terms to you again?

[cutegirl]

Nothing personal cutegirl but your ex was an ass.

 

Also, I don't think he was that much of a jerk, it's his prerogative to be as superficial and like big boobs as much as he pleases. I was the one who was willing to go under the knife because I had low self-esteem so it's all on me. A normal well-adjusted women would be like "F that" and just leave. I know that I wasn't "normal" and soooo desperate for affection that I would have put up with anything to keep him, and I mean ANYTHING, even abuse. Any well-adjusted mentally sane women would have just left a long time ago.

[cutegirl]

Would you ever let someone else dictate those terms to you again?

 

Well, I don't want to be in a relationship ever. I like being alone.

 

With my last ex, it was a bad relationship as well. He didn't dictate anything regarding my looks, in that aspect he was different from my ex, he didn't care about boobs etc. He didn't care about looks.

 

BUT there were other things, he was disrespectful in OTHER ways, such as stealing money from me, taking my property and then selling it, spit in my face a few times, one time spit food in my face, so it was abusive overall I guess but in a different way. I probably would have stayed with him as well, except he actually left me (without breaking up), one day just left and never came back.

 

I'd like to think I am stronger now. I'm really fine being alone now though, like I said, there's nothing a man can do for me that I cannot do myself.

[Leoni]

Well, I don't want to be in a relationship ever. I like being alone.

 

With my last ex, it was a bad relationship as well. He didn't dictate anything regarding my looks, in that aspect he was different from my ex, he didn't care about boobs etc. He didn't care about looks.

 

BUT there were other things, he was disrespectful in OTHER ways, such as stealing money from me, taking my property and then selling it, spit in my face a few times, one time spit food, so it was abusive overall I guess. I probably would have stayed with him as well, except he actually left me (without breaking up), one day just left and never came back.

 

I'd like to think I am stronger now. I'm really fine being alone now though, like I said, there's nothing a man can do for me that I cannot do myself.

Maybe Carbine can learn something from this experience of yours.

[Els]

I won't pretend that I've read any more than the original post and the 1st page of replies.

 

And I agree with BlueEyed... that if we could just 'get over it' so easily, we wouldn't even be posting here. So I'll leave that one unsaid, although it really is the best thing to do in this case.

 

But don't you see, Carbine, the problem isn't really your looks. It's your low self esteem about them (to the point when you ask your ex if he's okay about your body every ****ing day?!), you basing your life and your goals on one man (your other ex-es were the same, you said, but this is still currently one man), and perhaps, just perhaps, the romantic choices you made.

 

I say romantic choices, because you said all the guys you were with cared about figure over everything else. However, not all men are like that, and the guy I am with is living proof of that. I may not be overweight, but I have serious skin problems which lead to nasty scars and rashes all over (I would actually rather be overweight). He doesn't mind one bit. However, he himself isn't exactly the type that has all the superficial things that most young women nowadays drool over: big car, flashy style, hot looks, sweet tongue. Are the men you look for typically of that sort?

[peridot]

I have to say i was quite shocked by your response to Mz pixie. I get that you are hurting but the level of abuse you dish out to others is really quite worrying. I don't beleive your ex represents how all men think but I do wonder what kind of behaviour he has had to deal with from you. I'm not excusing him in any way for how he responded with the money or if he has been abusive. I wonder if it is easier for you to tell yourself it is your weight that stops a relationship, rather than any other aspect of how you have been. It isn't easy having therapy and change is really hard but it can be done if you take the risk and open yourself up to exploring the issues and possibilities. There needs to be ownership however for your own thoughts and behaviour. I'm not sure that you are able to do this at the moment, maybe it is too scarey and too much of a risk for you to take. As shadowplay said, therapy is more than attending and siting in a room with someone. Attacking others may be a way for you to carry on the same way of thinking but it won't make the hurt any less. I hope you do find a way through this.

[spookie]

How are you Carbine? Let us know. I hope you didn't kill yourself.