How do you KNOW that your affair isn't contributing to the decline of their marriage?

[Lizzie60]

So.. I KNOW I am not causing any problem to their M, I am probably 'helping' their M..

 

with the exception of what OWoman shared about her lover's abusive relationship, I'm not sure I can I agree with your justification. An affair is not a solution, but a part of a problem in a shaky marriage. The guys you're sleeping with are looking for something on the side and you're happily supplying that something.

 

In my case, I KNOW I am contributing to a better relationship.. in most cases anyway...

 

None of them are in an abusive relationship... they all love their W... all of them without exception... but they're not 'in love' with them anymore..

 

Would they hurt their W... no... anyway.. if they want to.. they know it won't be because of me.. because they know I don't want them.

 

The M is not always shaky as you say... they have a few issues.. but who doesn't? Most are about lack of sex... and who's fault is that?

[Trialbyfire]

Here here...I have a stat too:

 

90% of BSs that stay in a marriage after they have been cheated on suffer fear of being alone and extreme neediness.

 

I agree... they sometimes think about taking the cheater back or go right ahead and take him back... just in case he's changed...

 

Does say a lot about the BS... about the neediness... the emotional dependance...

Of course we consider it. Why not since we have the choice to take him back or not?

 

I also consider where I'm going for vacation. Shall my friends and I go to Fiji, Mexico or Hawaii? We still haven't decided where and it's been at least three weeks since we've been talking about it. Oh noes, we consider our options.

[Lizzie60]

Of course we consider it. Why not since we have the choice to take him back or not?

 

I also consider where I'm going for vacation. Shall my friends and I go to Fiji, Mexico or Hawaii? We still haven't decided where and it's been at least three weeks since we've been talking about it. Oh noes, we consider our options.

 

 

it's a choice based on your emotional dependance... it's a lot different than chosing a destination...

 

I always thought you were a 'strong' woman.. oh welll... we sometimes have weaknesses... I was much weaker at your age...

 

I know where I'm going for my holidays... 9 more 'dodos'

[Lizzie60]

I have a great cure for neediness and emotional dependance. Just get 5, 10 - no, 20 MM to "do" on a daily basis so I can feel sexy and gorgeous.

 

There are a lot more benefits to have 5, 10, 20 MMs... great sex... flowers, gifts, vacations...

 

Whoooaaaa... not a daily basis though...

[Trialbyfire]

it's a choice based on your emotional dependance... it's a lot different than chosing a destination...

 

I always thought you were a 'strong' woman.. oh welll... we sometimes have weaknesses... I was much weaker at your age...

 

I know where I'm going for my holidays... 9 more 'dodos'

It's true you've got a lot more decades than I do.

[Tomcat33]

It's easier to pick a daisy, pluck the petals one at a time and say "he loves me, he loves me not".

 

this exact same thing could be said for what the BS has to do when she takes back a cheater and attempts recovery "hmmmm he loves me he loves her not" "will he love he or love me not again?" this goes on for many years and seriously DOUBT it EVER goes completely away. I guess a year or two in comparisson to a lifetime of plucking daisies sort of pails in comparison really....

 

In alot of cases the inevitable happens and they end up D because you can't fix what you were not able to fix before you were stabbed in the back add the betrayal it's too overwhelming to overcome.

 

I will grant you this though the VERY strong DO survive and ACTUALLY find happiness...here comes another stat, I would guesstimate 3% do survive.

 

I pulled that number out of a hat by the way, the LS communal stat hat that is....

[Lizzie60]

It's true you've got a lot more decades than I do.

 

Yes I know.. I'm not denying that...

[reboot]

here comes another stat, I would guesstimate 3% do survive.

I would venture that the "survival" rate is much higher than 3% (I read 1/3 somewhere), but you might indeed be close to right if you change your statement to "survive happily".

[Tomcat33]

The thing is Lizz I bet you don't have to decide between Acapulco, or Florida your men just tell you "pack your bags you are flying to Morocco for the weekend!" Not a bad life if you ask me for "a needy and emotionally dependant woman" :lmao:

[Tomcat33]

I would venture that the "survival" rate is much higher than 3% (I read 1/3 somewhere), but you might indeed be close to right if you change your statement to "survive happily".

 

You are right, I should have qualified the statement because surviving something is merely staying afloat, surviving happily is a whole other ballgame.

 

Well thanks for the bout of confidence but I really did just make that # up, I was totally messing around. I don't believe in stats anyway. I believe in human nature and tendencies and patterns that simply cannot be overlooked, that's the only stat I adhere to.

[Lizzie60]

The thing is Lizz I bet you don't have to decide between Acapulco, or Florida your men just tell you "pack your bags you are flying to Morocco for the weekend!" Not a bad life if you ask me for "a needy and emotionally dependant woman" :lmao:

 

I know... not bad huh?

[luvmy2ns]

You are right, I should have qualified the statement because surviving something is merely staying afloat, surviving happily is a whole other ballgame.

 

Well thanks for the bout of confidence but I really did just make that # up, I was totally messing around. I don't believe in stats anyway. I believe in human nature and tendencies and patterns that simply cannot be overlooked, that's the only stat I adhere to.

 

Tendancies and patterns are what create stats.

[Tomcat33]

Tendancies and patterns are what create stats.

 

 

Exactly and I creat my own stats based on that. we all do really....

[Owl]

this exact same thing could be said for what the BS has to do when she takes back a cheater and attempts recovery "hmmmm he loves me he loves her not" "will he love he or love me not again?" this goes on for many years and seriously DOUBT it EVER goes completely away. I guess a year or two in comparisson to a lifetime of plucking daisies sort of pails in comparison really....

 

Well, I'd agree with you there.

 

Two to three years.

 

That's average recovery time for those marriages that DO recover. And I can say that it took me right at two years time to get the point where I KNEW without doubt that she loved me, was glad for her choice to reconcile, and no longer held any desire to be with OM again.

 

You're right...BS's have NO confidence...after an affair, the self-esteem, self-image, self-confidence all goes right the heck out the window. Its completely and utterly destroyed. You're not just doubting whether or not your WS really does love you or if you can trust them...you're doubting whether or not you're even capable of being loved anymore. You've just been betrayed and lied to by the one person you trusted more than anyone else in the world.

 

Like I said...its the most devestating thing I've been through...the CLOSEST comparison I can give for what it does to your life-view would be the first night of combat I went through. The next morning, I had a completely different understanding of how the world works. I had a similar world change the morning of d-day.

 

The good news is that you do recover from it. The PERSONAL recovery takes longer than the relationship recovery. In a way...because just as you ladies have stated...a woman doesn't love a man she can't respect. If he can't respect himself, she's going to have a hard time respecting him...and so a hard time truly loving him again. When he's totally lost his self-confidence and self-respect... But, time and effort will heal BOTH the people AND the marriage in many cases.

 

In some cases, you're right, they can't recover. But generally I'll advocate attempting to recover the marriage where possible...as I am sure you've already surmised.

[Trialbyfire]

In some cases, you're right, they can't recover. But generally I'll advocate attempting to recover the marriage where possible...as I am sure you've already surmised.

This is where we disagree. I don't think it's worthwhile to salvage any marriage where one party had an affair. Why provide a reward, rather than a consequence? If you consider what you have to put into it, to make the marriage work, I don't see the advantages to staying.

 

On the other hand, I also don't believe that the relationship between the OM/OW should be allowed to continue, even if the marriage dissolves. It's why I chose to ensure that it was an irreversible dissolution between the two culprits. Thanks, Karma.

[Owl]

We'll have to disagree.

 

My marriage has absolutely been worth saving.

[GirlZilla]

It's why I chose to ensure that it was an irreversible dissolution between the two culprits. Thanks, Karma.

 

Explain?...Curiousity is killing me....

[Trialbyfire]

Explain?...Curiousity is killing me....

I give all credit to karma and that he was using her in the first place.

[NoIDidn't]

Owl

 

It serves no point to ask "some" posters about their actual knowledge of any recovered marriages. They would likely say that they are just faking it for status purposes. Some are just not able to see the possibility that recovery is absolutely possible - be they OP or former MPs.

 

Not begrudging them their *opinions*, but I don't think any of us can talk about the decisions made by others when it comes to their marriages.

 

For the record, of course I think that the A affects the marriage negatively. It creates emotional distance in the marriage - whether it is a love affair or a f-buddy situation. The person doing the cheating causes that in the vast majority of cases.

[GreenEyedLady]

As a rough guesstimate, 90% of affair partners will do anything, in order for the WS to leave their spouses.

 

AP's won't do anything...

 

Usually it just comes to making a choice...One or the other...It's really not as sinister as the AP doing anything to break up the marriage...

 

It's more a point of saying I'm either the one and only or we're over...

[Trialbyfire]

AP's won't do anything...

 

Usually it just comes to making a choice...One or the other...It's really not as sinister as the AP doing anything to break up the marriage...

 

It's more a point of saying I'm either the one and only or we're over...

Whether it's a passive "doing anything" or an aggressive "doing anything", simply remaining in an affair is a form of empowering. Pulling back is a form of "doing anything". It's all action GEL.

[InvisibleGirl]

In some respects I think that having me in his life actually helps sustain his marriage since he doesnt get annoyed or irritable as much about certain things since he has something else in his life that makes him feel alive and in love again. My involvement with him was not planned nor was it something I could ever imagined myself cable of but we became the closest of friends and fell in love. If I could find the strength to sever all ties with him I think he would realize things really havent gotten better at home since he has me, they are just no longer the only thing he has to focus on....

[Lizzie60]

In some respects I think that having me in his life actually helps sustain his marriage since he doesnt get annoyed or irritable as much about certain things since he has something else in his life that makes him feel alive and in love again.

 

Well said... that's what I think happens often...

[Mino]

Did somebody say the affair has no impact? I missed that. I'll be the first to acknowledge it did have an impact. Of course it would. But so did the fact that they married because of a pregnancy and convenience, not because of love. So did the fact that she threatened to take his child away from him. So did the fact that he decided to be selfish and not tell her the M was over because he was worried about his financial security.

 

There are many factors that contributed to the decline of the marriage. The affair was one...but one of many. I think this is likely the case for lots of relationships. The specifics are different.

very well said!!! I agree

[bentnotbroken]

In some respects I think that having me in his life actually helps sustain his marriage since he doesnt get annoyed or irritable as much about certain things since he has something else in his life that makes him feel alive and in love again. My involvement with him was not planned nor was it something I could ever imagined myself cable of but we became the closest of friends and fell in love. If I could find the strength to sever all ties with him I think he would realize things really havent gotten better at home since he has me, they are just no longer the only thing he has to focus on....

 

 

 

It sustains what he wants in a marriage, him having his cake and eating it too. It isn't a real marriage because it isn't based in truth and honesty. If he is o.k. with his actions, then he should tell his wife and let her have the same option of being pleased by someone on the side. If it is good for the goose, it's good for the gander.