How do you KNOW that your affair isn't contributing to the decline of their marriage?

[luvmy2ns]

Almost all OW have a HUGE difficulty considering that their oh, so wonderful MM could be the sole fault of the marriage breakdown. I know it's not true in all cases, but many people are just plain selfish, just like the guy who brags about his "perfect wife" yet f's as many willing women as he possibly can. Total jerk, and SO not his W's fault. She just doesn't know what he does - he's good at hiding, sneaking, lying, and deceiving, which shouldn't surprise anyone on this thread.

[sarme]

Almost all OW have a HUGE difficulty considering that their oh, so wonderful MM could be the sole fault of the marriage breakdown. I know it's not true in all cases, but many people are just plain selfish, just like the guy who brags about his "perfect wife" yet f's as many willing women as he possibly can. Total jerk, and SO not his W's fault. She just doesn't know what he does - he's good at hiding, sneaking, lying, and deceiving, which shouldn't surprise anyone on this thread.

 

Yet after D-day a BS wants to fight tooth and nail for that type of person who would do that? To win their love back? Why? Interesting to know it is so one sided because in a lot of cases these men don't sell it to the other person as their wives being the sole problem and you could see why an other person would be misguided into thinking he was actually a man worth fighting for, but seeing that BSs claim it is always entirely the cheater's fault and they know full well what horrible lying monsters they are, why in heavens would they fight to salvage a marriage with someone like that? Someone who is so one sided and selfish. That is a lot more concerning than the reasons other women fall for the lies. If this is true, the BS knows for a fact she is with a dirty rotten scoundral.

Edited January 3, 2008 by sarme

[luvmy2ns]

Yet after D-day a BS wants to fight tooth and nail for that type of person who would do that? To win their love back? Why? Interesting to know it is so one sided because in a lot of cases these men don't sell it to the other person as their wives being the sole problem and you could see why an other person would be misguided into thinking he was actually a man worth fighting for, but seeing that BSs claim it is always entirely the cheater's fault and they know full well what horrible lying monsters they are, why in heavens would they fight to salvage a marriage with someone like that? Someone who is so one sided and selfish. That is a lot more concerning than the reasons other women fall for the lies. If this is true, the BS knows for a fact she is with a dirty rotten scoundral.

 

THIS "perfect wife" has no clue he's a dirty, rotten, lying POS. She probably would kick him to the curb if she knew.

 

And I'm sorry, but in reading the threads on this forum, MOST MM's tell their OW's what a horrid person their W is, or that they never have sex, or blah, blah, blah - whatever it takes to make the OW think they're doing this poor, poor MM such a HUGE favor by being nice to them like their W doesn't do.

[GirlZilla]

I fought for my marriage by showing her that I loved her. By showing her that I was still the same husband I'd been all those years...that had been part of a really awesome marriage for all but that last year.

 

That last year was when things went to h3!!. It was when she basically quit her job (she had a job, broke her leg, but refused to go back after she'd healed). She became addicted to online gaming. Stopped taking care of the house, stopped putting any effort at all into our marriage or our family. She'd spend 16+ hours/day on the computer. We fought constantly over these changes. (A large part of the problem was that she was also dealing with untreated depression...which I tried repeatedly to get her to see a doctor to treat)

 

This obviously all got much worse when she began her EA.

 

My "fight to save my marriage"? I had to show her that I was still the man she'd loved all those years. I setup some very serious boundaries about what I'd accept in a relationship of any kind with her. I made it clear that if she left to live with OM...it was OVER. No, I wouldn't be in her life in ANY fashion. I'd not be her friend, I'd not be there for her for ANYTHING...ever. I made it clear that she was destroying not only our marriage...but our friendship...and our family.

 

When she DIDN'T go to be with OM...I helped nurse her through her withdrawl at the end of her affair with him. I sat and listened and tried to understand and see things through HER eyes...without passing judgements and without letting the pain of what she was saying and doing reflect back on her.

 

I showed her I still loved her. I made it clear that things COULD be better. You see, she had to see that FIRST from me. It wasn't easy...I had to put all of MY hurt, all the devestation I'd felt as a result of her affair on the back burner...for months.

 

Long term changes? I made very few. Quite bluntly, I've always been a terrific husband and father. It was the changes that SHE had made over that past year that needed to be undone. AND...she needed to learn how to set boundaries so that she stopped ALLOWING the situations that encouraged cheating behavior to occur. Sharing personal feelings and information with male friends...spending more time with me, and with the family instead of doing her online thing by herself. Being ACCOUNTABLE...TO EACH OTHER (yes, that means I'm also accountable to her...never had an issue with that).

 

We went to MC for about a year after d-day. For the first six months, she insisted that it was "all Owl's fault"...but could never show CONCRETE examples of what I needed to change. With one exception...I needed to sit back and let her fight her own battles with our kids, rather than step in and try to solve the problem. That was IT. BTW...we had an AWESOME counselor...he was GREAT for listening to both sides without judgement. She LOVED how he handled things between us, and helped both of us to see 'the other side'.

 

I agree...it takes two to tango in a marriage. But it only takes ONE to screw it up. When ONE person becomes selfish to the point where it dominates the marriage...it easily sets the stage for an affair to happen.

 

So there ya go. Hope that clears things up a bit for you.

 

She is lucky...not all husband's are like you.

[Owl]

Well...because hopefully (like in my case) they weren't ALWAYS that selfish, horrible person. There was something about them that was wonderful enough to have led to the marriage to begin with.

 

The BS tends to fight to win that person back because they've got (usually) a long history of a GOOD relationship with them.

 

It doesn't amaze me that the OP fights to keep the affair ongoing...why does it surprise may of the OP's that the BS fights to save the marriage? Other than the obvious...which is that often the WS lies to EVERYONE about the real state of the marriage, in order to justify their cheating in the first place.

[luvmy2ns]

Well...because hopefully (like in my case) they weren't ALWAYS that selfish, horrible person. There was something about them that was wonderful enough to have led to the marriage to begin with.

 

The BS tends to fight to win that person back because they've got (usually) a long history of a GOOD relationship with them.

 

It doesn't amaze me that the OP fights to keep the affair ongoing...why does it surprise may of the OP's that the BS fights to save the marriage? Other than the obvious...which is that often the WS lies to EVERYONE about the real state of the marriage, in order to justify their cheating in the first place.

 

And it is SO sad that there are people willing to buy into the lies so readily.

[whichwayisup]

Yet after D-day a BS wants to fight tooth and nail for that type of person who would do that? To win their love back? Why? Interesting to know it is so one sided because in a lot of cases these men don't sell it to the other person as their wives being the sole problem and you could see why an other person would be misguided into thinking he was actually a man worth fighting for, but seeing that BSs claim it is always entirely the cheater's fault and they know full well what horrible lying monsters they are, why in heavens would they fight to salvage a marriage with someone like that? Someone who is so one sided and selfish. That is a lot more concerning than the reasons other women fall for the lies. If this is true, the BS knows for a fact she is with a dirty rotten scoundral.

 

Because a cheating spouse deserves a chance to regain their BS's trust and faith again. For the kids sake, for their sake. To give it a good try and see if things are salvagable. Why does that shock you so much? I mean, a BS usually isn't going to just hand over their husband to the OW, roll over and play dead.

 

If this is true, the BS knows for a fact she is with a dirty rotten scoundral

Yet this is the same man the OW would happily love to have for her own.

[luvmy2ns]

Yet this is the same man the OW would happily love to have for her own.

 

No, remember? The MM would NEVER lie to the OW.

[whichwayisup]

Yet after D-day a BS wants to fight tooth and nail for that type of person who would do that? To win their love back?

 

Unless a MM planned on leaving anyway, and the D-Day happened, why would he stay, beg for forgiveness, ask for a second chance? The MM fights JUST as hard to stay in the marriage as HIS fantasy comes to a crashing end and reality sets in....Actually losing his wife and family unit as one. It isn't always the BS who begs him to stay, alot of the time WS is the one doing the bargaining and begging.

[jj2007]

Unless a MM planned on leaving anyway, and the D-Day happened, why would he stay, beg for forgiveness, ask for a second chance? The MM fights JUST as hard to stay in the marriage as HIS fantasy comes to a crashing end and reality sets in....Actually losing his wife and family unit as one. It isn't always the BS who begs him to stay, alot of the time WS is the one doing the bargaining and begging.

 

Exactly! I told my H to get out and not come back until he could break it off with OW and get his head out of his ass. He left for a few days and came back begging me to take him back.

[sarme]

THIS "perfect wife" has no clue he's a dirty, rotten, lying POS. She probably would kick him to the curb if she knew.

 

And I'm sorry, but in reading the threads on this forum, MOST MM's tell their OW's what a horrid person their W is, or that they never have sex, or blah, blah, blah - whatever it takes to make the OW think they're doing this poor, poor MM such a HUGE favor by being nice to them like their W doesn't do.

 

Well she does know all this after D-day! Add to that all the things you said in your previous post about how OW don't realise that the cheater is the one to blame for the marriage's breakdown, so I stand firm on asking, who do BSs fight tooth and nail to keep a man like this no matter how much he begs to want to stay? I really don't think it speaks much for the type of person that would on top of being betrayed in the worst manner, consider keeping around a man who was also the sole purpose for the marriage breakdown?

[bish]

C'mon you gotta take some responisbility for your part in it too.

 

She won't...she has an entitlement attitude.

[sarme]

Exactly! I told my H to get out and not come back until he could break it off with OW and get his head out of his ass. He left for a few days and came back begging me to take him back.

 

Some beg because they don't want to be left out on the street they want to do it when the air is calm, not under pressure. That is what mine did he didn't beg but he agreed to work on salvaging the marriage and didn't want to leave the house because she found out about us and was kicking him out but eventually he was out of there when he was ready to move out and do things on his terms, not under the force of getting kicked out in anger because he cheated. He wanted to smooth the waters with her as well and not part on such angry terms We have been together since and it is what he has always said to me "I wanted out all along, it just so happened I met you and I fell so hard for you and it complicated things even more, but I had been wanting out for a long time"

[OWoman]

No, remember? The MM would NEVER lie to the OW.

 

Some don't - they'd have nothing to gain and everything to lose.

 

Some do - else they'd never get anywhere.

 

It all depends on the MM, the OW and the situation. There's no OSFA in these things.

[whichwayisup]

so I stand firm on asking, who do BSs fight tooth and nail to keep a man like this no matter how much he begs to want to stay?

 

Because people change their minds after D-Day. Alot of emotions and conversations happen, feelings awaken and honestly, if a MM or MW decides that they want to reconnect with their BS, it is THEIR choice to do so. Just like if a BS decides she/he wants the WS and the marriage to work, it's his/her choice. The OW/OM has NO say in that and my question to you is, why is it bugging you so much that two people who got married, want to stay married and fix the problems and work together to make the marriage better? People deserve a chance to make it right again! Oh and it takes a very strong and special person to take back a cheater. I know most will disagree with me on that though and say the opposite.

 

I will say though, every special BS that takes back the CS will only put up with so much. After the grace period is over and the marriage is on the way to recovery, if there is cheating again the BS won't give out another chance.

[whichwayisup]

Some beg because they don't want to be left out on the street they want to do it when the air is calm, not under pressure. That is what mine did he didn't beg but he agreed to work on salvaging the marriage and didn't want to leave the house because she found out about us and was kicking him out but eventually he was out of there when he was ready to move out and do things on his terms, not under the force of getting kicked out in anger because he cheated. He wanted to smooth the waters with her as well and not part on such angry terms We have been together since and it is what he has always said to me "I wanted out all along, it just so happened I met you and I fell so hard for you and it complicated things even more, but I had been wanting out for a long time"

 

So is he still with you and living at home with his wife? The A has continued? Or has he moved out of the house and is now with you full time?

[bish]

So.. I KNOW I am not causing any problem to their M, I am probably 'helping' their M..

 

This has got to be the most ridiculous thing I have heard yet.

[sarme]

After the grace period is over and the marriage is on the way to recovery, if there is cheating again the BS won't give out another chance.

 

And that is supposed to be a sign of strength and determination? I would think that goes without say. They have no choice but to walk away, a person who forgives a second time would be seriously broken to be taken for a fool not once but twice.

[whichwayisup]

And that is supposed to be a sign of strength and determination?

 

It is the first time around. I didn't say it was the second time around so this sentence has confused me?

[Virgo1982]

THIS "perfect wife" has no clue he's a dirty, rotten, lying POS. She probably would kick him to the curb if she knew.

 

It doesn't tend to happen like that and people who survived an affair are all to happy to lick their tongue at the OW like they're better than her, . Oblivious, judgemental, bitter is what some become.

[luvmy2ns]

Well she does know all this after D-day! Add to that all the things you said in your previous post about how OW don't realise that the cheater is the one to blame for the marriage's breakdown, so I stand firm on asking, who do BSs fight tooth and nail to keep a man like this no matter how much he begs to want to stay? I really don't think it speaks much for the type of person that would on top of being betrayed in the worst manner, consider keeping around a man who was also the sole purpose for the marriage breakdown?

 

Well, it's rather pointless, isn't it, to ask why she would stay when she hasn't had her D day yet.

[jj2007]

Some beg because they don't want to be left out on the street they want to do it when the air is calm, not under pressure. That is what mine did he didn't beg but he agreed to work on salvaging the marriage and didn't want to leave the house because she found out about us and was kicking him out but eventually he was out of there when he was ready to move out and do things on his terms, not under the force of getting kicked out in anger because he cheated. He wanted to smooth the waters with her as well and not part on such angry terms We have been together since and it is what he has always said to me "I wanted out all along, it just so happened I met you and I fell so hard for you and it complicated things even more, but I had been wanting out for a long time"

 

Well, my H begged to come back because he realized what he was losing and the drugs he and the OW were doing together wore off. He was coming out of affairyland and realized what was really important to him. He is also in a drug treatment program now. It was one of the things we agreed on so we could try again.

[luvmy2ns]

Some don't - they'd have nothing to gain and everything to lose.

 

Some do - else they'd never get anywhere.

 

It all depends on the MM, the OW and the situation. There's no OSFA in these things.

 

And these are the "some" that most cheaters are.

[jj2007]

I will say though, every special BS that takes back the CS will only put up with so much. After the grace period is over and the marriage is on the way to recovery, if there is cheating again the BS won't give out another chance.

 

I agree 100%

[Lizzie60]

This has got to be the most ridiculous thing I have heard yet.

 

Stay tuned for more outrageously ridiculous things you've probably never heard before...