How do you KNOW that your affair isn't contributing to the decline of their marriage?

[luvmy2ns]

I would give the mask to my child in a heartbeat while certain others would be fighting over the mask saying, "me first, me first" while the plane is going down.

 

LMAO!

[whichwayisup]

don't know anything and I am scared....

 

I know...And I am sorry you're going through it as well. You are a good egg Stampy, so whatever happens, you will find happiness again, when the time is right. Either with her or someone else.

[stampdaddy]

When your woman stands up for what she wants and proves to him that she is not a comodity that can be used to save or improve anothe man's existence, when she shows him that she is not a love slave. She is a human being with her own will to choose and to decided.

NOW I understand more why NC for ME is so important.. Once "I" am not a threat to H, he can focus more on MW and what the hell just happened for 3 1/2 years.. Then H can clearly decide what he wants to do and THEN my questions would still apply... In Owls case, his MW never even met the guy, much less sleep with him for 3 years, while NOT with H, go places with him, live an almost complete "other life", etc, etc...

As someone said earlier, I am just banging my head against the wall....

[luvmy2ns]

NOW I understand more why NC for ME is so important.. Once "I" am not a threat to H, he can focus more on MW and what the hell just happened for 3 1/2 years.. Then H can clearly decide what he wants to do and THEN my questions would still apply... In Owls case, his MW never even met the guy, much less sleep with him for 3 years, while NOT with H, go places with him, live an almost complete "other life", etc, etc...

As someone said earlier, I am just banging my head against the wall....

 

Ah, hon, I'm so sorry. I wish you could just clear your head and get on with your life - with joy in your heart.

[whichwayisup]

am just banging my head against the wall....

 

So, stop doing that. I know, easier said than done, but you WILL drive yourself nuts if you don't atleast try to stop analyzing this and that so much. You have no control here what happens unless you end it completely and walk away forever.

 

what the hell just happened for 3 1/2 years..

 

Just like he could be saying what happened to all our years together. See, it's the same for both you and her husband. Honestly I hope BOTH of you lose her as she needs to be completely alone to figure herself out. She's a mess.

[stampdaddy]

Ah, hon, I'm so sorry. I wish you could just clear your head and get on with your life - with joy in your heart.

I wish I could go back to that night in July of 2004 when I met her, and after I started to go to my car, I prayed to God for guidance. I thanked Him for allowing me to meet what had to be one of His most beautiful Angels, and that IF He was having our paths cross for some reason, for me to be the best man that I could be, and I have been.... Now I wonder of I should have just gotten in my car and driven away.....

[luvmy2ns]

I wish I could go back to that night in July of 2004 when I met her, and after I started to go to my car, I prayed to God for guidance. I thanked Him for allowing me to meet what had to be one of His most beautiful Angels, and that IF He was having our paths cross for some reason, for me to be the best man that I could be, and I have been.... Now I wonder of I should have just gotten in my car and driven away.....

 

If her soul were beautiful, she wouldn't be putting two men through what she has for so long.

 

It has to be very difficult, but you'll be okay in time.

[whichwayisup]

and that IF He was having our paths cross for some reason, for me to be the best man that I could be, and I have been.... Now I wonder of I should have just gotten in my car and driven away.....

 

God obviously left the choice up to you and you chose to stay on that path, knowing that she was married. Obviously there has to be a lesson to be learned in all this, right? I'm not a religious person, though I do believe sometimes certain things happen for a reason. Though sometimes it takes a long time for that reason to appear....

 

Anyway, going back 3 years isn't going to help the situation. All you have is the now and the reality of it.

[luvmy2ns]

God obviously left the choice up to you and you chose to stay on that path, knowing that she was married. Obviously there has to be a lesson to be learned in all this, right? I'm not a religious person, though I do believe sometimes certain things happen for a reason. Though sometimes it takes a long time for that reason to appear....

 

Anyway, going back 3 years isn't going to help the situation. All you have is the now and the reality of it.

 

Yeah, maybe He was putting this woman in your life to keep you busy for 3 or so years so you would be free when the RIGHT woman came into your life. Maybe you'll meet her soon.

[stampdaddy]

God obviously left the choice up to you and you chose to stay on that path, knowing that she was married. Obviously there has to be a lesson to be learned in all this, right? I'm not a religious person, though I do believe sometimes certain things happen for a reason. Though sometimes it takes a long time for that reason to appear....

 

Anyway, going back 3 years isn't going to help the situation. All you have is the now and the reality of it.

Yeah, and sometimes us silly humans cant help but try to steer things.. It's SO hard to let go and see where the road takes us.. BUT, that is exactly what I have to do... I'll be OK, I know that, and like I've always told her, we just can't snap our fingers and "poof", all of the heartache goes away, no matter what is decided...

What also haunts me is this: Her and I were having a more detailed conversation about 6 months ago about my "past", after my divorce 6 years ago and the time between meeting her. Did I date? Did I have sex with anyone, etc.. This stuff makes me uncomfortable talking to her about it, but I wanted to be honest with things.. So, I said I went on several dates, but really nothing ever came out of them, and I had sex once, but it was a mistake (which it was, as I was just coming out of a divorce and didnt give MYSELF the time I needed to regroup). Anyway, she was so concerned that the "mistake" was because the other person might have been married. Which I dont know if she was or not, dont think so.. NOW, when I have to have this same conversation with someone else down the road, what the hell am I going to say?? "yeah, I dated a little after D, no big deal, had sex once, which was a mistake.. again no big deal, AND THEN in 2004, met the girl of my dreams, the love of my life, my best friend, my golf buddy.... OH, and she's still with her H because of the kids... But one day, maybe she'll be back... OR NOW DO I LIE???

[sarme]

If her soul were beautiful, she wouldn't be putting two men through what she has for so long.

 

It has to be very difficult, but you'll be okay in time.

 

This does ring true. Three years is a very long time Stampdaddy to drag two people on like that. I can understand why you are feeling anger and this. NC can do just that, make you see things from a different prespective one where you are removed from the situation, your choices will be made based on a clearer head rather than a deep need to recover what you once had. Space is good Stampdaddy and don't sensure the bad feelings it's good to acknowlege them, I'm sorry this is so painful I know how you must feel it is horrible to not know what is what.

[luvmy2ns]

Yeah, and sometimes us silly humans cant help but try to steer things.. It's SO hard to let go and see where the road takes us.. BUT, that is exactly what I have to do... I'll be OK, I know that, and like I've always told her, we just can't snap our fingers and "poof", all of the heartache goes away, no matter what is decided...

What also haunts me is this: Her and I were having a more detailed conversation about 6 months ago about my "past", after my divorce 6 years ago and the time between meeting her. Did I date? Did I have sex with anyone, etc.. This stuff makes me uncomfortable talking to her about it, but I wanted to be honest with things.. So, I said I went on several dates, but really nothing ever came out of them, and I had sex once, but it was a mistake (which it was, as I was just coming out of a divorce and didnt give MYSELF the time I needed to regroup). Anyway, she was so concerned that the "mistake" was because the other person might have been married. Which I dont know if she was or not, dont think so.. NOW, when I have to have this same conversation with someone else down the road, what the hell am I going to say?? "yeah, I dated a little after D, no big deal, had sex once, which was a mistake.. again no big deal, AND THEN in 2004, met the girl of my dreams, the love of my life, my best friend, my golf buddy.... OH, and she's still with her H because of the kids... But one day, maybe she'll be back... OR NOW DO I LIE???

 

You forget about her and you tell the truth to future prospects, but it doesn't have to be BRUTAL honesty.

[luvmy2ns]

This does ring true. Three years is a very long time Stampdaddy to drag two people on like that. I can understand why you are feeling anger and this. NC can do just that, make you see things from a different prespective one where you are removed from the situation, your choices will be made based on a clearer head rather than a deep need to recover what you once had. Space is good Stampdaddy and don't sensure the bad feelings it's good to acknowlege them, I'm sorry this is so painful I know how you must feel it is horrible to not know what is what.

 

Red letter day, Sarme! You and I agreed on something! And I'm not being sarcastic. It actually was nice.

[whichwayisup]

NOW, when I have to have this same conversation with someone else down the road, what the hell am I going to say?? "yeah, I dated a little after D, no big deal, had sex once, which was a mistake.. again no big deal, AND THEN in 2004, met the girl of my dreams, the love of my life, my best friend, my golf buddy.... OH, and she's still with her H because of the kids... But one day, maybe she'll be back... OR NOW DO I LIE???

Right now isn't the time to be projecting into the future so much. Doing this will only confuse you and make you feel worse. Worry about it when and if it happens! okay?

[stampdaddy]

This does ring true. Three years is a very long time Stampdaddy to drag two people on like that. I can understand why you are feeling anger and this. NC can do just that, make you see things from a different prespective one where you are removed from the situation, your choices will be made based on a clearer head rather than a deep need to recover what you once had. Space is good Stampdaddy and don't sensure the bad feelings it's good to acknowlege them, I'm sorry this is so painful I know how you must feel it is horrible to not know what is what.

I gotta tell you, I have been afraid of some of the feelings that others have told me that I may have over time, and of course, I dont want to have them.. I love her

I also just keep selfishly thinking that my sitation is SO much harder than the "typical" Divorce, as with at least in divorce, you still carry on a relationship with the other person, which in my case, is a GREAT relationship because of the kids. BUT for me now, my life as I knew it with her could be over forever, to NEVER see her again when just 2 weeks ago, her lips were on mine, begging me to wait for her... and now....

[sarme]

Red letter day, Sarme! You and I agreed on something! And I'm not being sarcastic. It actually was nice.

 

Hey I don't disagree just to disagree nor would I refrain from agree with you on something simply because we tend to disagee on a lot. ;-)

[luvmy2ns]

I gotta tell you, I have been afraid of some of the feelings that others have told me that I may have over time, and of course, I dont want to have them.. I love her

I also just keep selfishly thinking that my sitation is SO much harder than the "typical" Divorce, as with at least in divorce, you still carry on a relationship with the other person, which in my case, is a GREAT relationship because of the kids. BUT for me now, my life as I knew it with her could be over forever, to NEVER see her again when just 2 weeks ago, her lips were on mine, begging me to wait for her... and now....

 

But wait for how long? It's been over 3 years. That's about 2 1/2 longer than it should have reasonably been for her to make a decision. And to continue to hurt you for so long a time. I just can't fathom it.

[stampdaddy]

But wait for how long? It's been over 3 years. That's about 2 1/2 longer than it should have reasonably been for her to make a decision. And to continue to hurt you for so long a time. I just can't fathom it.

The thing I must state, is that yes, there were times it was tough, especially the last year, and the last 6 months since Dday, I have had it pretty good, VERY unlike alot of the other "affairs" that I read about, meaning the time spent, and the R itself, and the complete lack of one for her H, and H not getting it at all..

 

How long do I wait, I am starting to "disconnect" every day now.. Slowly but surely I will get there, but it had to start somewhere..

 

Just 2 weeks ago, H said to her, "I want a Divorce". He then told his parents he was going to divorce her, AND was on his was to tell the kids, but his mother stopped him from doing so.. Urged him to wait untill after the Holidays.. But now my feeling is that maybe he has backed off a little, but I dont know.. All I know is that I'm in NC and it hurts

[luvmy2ns]

The way to split right would have been to man up and leave before getting involved with someone else. So he used his wife to get through his financial situation to suit his needs so he could be with the ow, when the time was right for him.

 

Yeah, that was the part I summed up as "Yuck."

[whichwayisup]

her letting him in her vagina did.

 

Okay, this is the line of the century! LOL!

[luvmy2ns]

I suppose the word "vagina" doesn't get censored as it is a clinical term, eh? And yes, that WAS DAMN funny!

[sarme]

The way to split right would have been to man up and leave before getting involved with someone else. So he used his wife to get through his financial situation to suit his needs so he could be with the ow, when the time was right for him.

 

Says who, the way to split right is to leave and not have someone on the sidelines? Who cares if there was someone on the sidelines or not, he left, that's the main point. He wanted out capiche? Can you comprehend that he was done with it and her? Accept it a lot of men are when they choose to go after a new love, they just don't have the balls to go through with the whole discomfort of moving a whole material life around to start a new life, now THAT'S yuk! And those same men go back to their lives pretending everything is fine when it isn't and go right back to doing the same old same old then the BS goes psycho on him and makes all these demands and it ends up in D anyway. Like we hear in some cases where the BS says if I can't him I will make sure SHE doesn't have him either. how pathetic that and psycho and honestly if I were one of those women I would not flaunt that fact, it makes them sound really really unstable. Any person who feels they should have THAT much control over another human being should really consider doing some deep psychological therapy because they have some real control issues and prob why their men wanted to escape prison anyway. My guy didn't waffle back and forth for 5 years trying to have his cake and eat it too, he did waffle to get his life in order so that he could D and move out amicably. he didn't use his W to get through his financial woes, there was no more sex, no more affection no more anything, he went back to HIS HOME that HE bought with his half of his hard earned money and slept in HIS guestroom that HE furnished with his income and ate HIS food that he bought. SO how is that using his W? she didn't want to let go so if there was any using going on it was her own desperation of not knowing where to draw the line to say, "get out and stay out" but no, she desperately wanted him to stay and to work on salvaging something that not even a CPR machine could bring back to life. Because it was them or no one, she was not going to accept he end up with me!?!? What ridiculous thing to say and any man who would allow themselves to be demnaded like that is spineless. That was not the case here he went for what he wanted and left behind what he no longer did. So if you think that is really "yuk" then what can I say......if I don't have a problem and I am "stuck" with this man what's it to ya toots? Besides everyone is so ready he might do this to me some day, I don't know how I will feel 10 yrs down the line I could walk out on him some day and decide this is not for me anymore, life happens and relationships end, get over it people your life does not begin or end on another person, learn to fend for yourselves and you won't be walking though life in constant fear that you will be lost without your partner, everything passes in life.

[sarme]

True indeed.

 

We deserve each other and some people deserve to be alone and bitter because they didn't know how to hold a relationship together, we all get what we deserve indeed. I deserved losing a good relationship in my past because I didn't nurture it and I got what I deserved in my time too. We all get out what we put into things but nothing lasts forever. He is a good stable man who is hard working and has so much to give and it was not appreciated where he was now he has someone who will appreciate him and support him for who he is and not for who they want him to be. So you better believe we deserve each other, we are good for one another Isn't that what love should be?

Edited January 3, 2008 by sarme

[Lizzie60]

Okay, this is the line of the century! LOL!

 

hahahaha... she had a HUUUUUGGGGEEEE vagina...

[whichwayisup]

the way to split right is to leave and not have someone on the sidelines? Who cares if there was someone on the sidelines or not, he left, that's the main point. He wanted out capiche? Can you comprehend that he was done with it and her?

How long did he have the affair with you before ending his marriage, getting that divorce? How long did he lie, cheat, betray his wife before he left her? See, he had a choice on whether or not to cheat. If he was soooo unhappy, he should have left before going after you. To stay married to someone he obviously hates was stupid on his behalf. All he did was create a drama, hurt his wife more, let alone probably make you feel hurt and jealous while he stayed married and you were his OW.

 

Sorry, but it SHOULD matter that someone (aka you) was on the sidelines before his marriage ended. It should matter alot actually..