How do you KNOW that your affair isn't contributing to the decline of their marriage?

[bentnotbroken]

We deserve each other and some people deserve to be alone and bitter because they didn't know how to hold a relationship together, we all get what we deserve indeed. I deserved losing a good relationship in my past because I didn't nurture it and I got what I deserved in my time too. We all get out what we put into things but nothing lasts forever. He is a good stable man who is hard working and has so much to give and it was not appreciated where he was now he has someone who will appreciate him and support him for who he is and not for who they want him to be. So you better believe we deserve each other, we are good for one another Isn't that what love should be?

 

Now you have said all along in your post that it takes two to mess up a marriage, now you are saying that one person didn't know how to hold a relationship together. Which one is it? I have my opinion, what's yours?

[Lizzie60]

We deserve each other and some people deserve to be alone and bitter because they didn't know how to hold a relationship together, we all get what we deserve indeed. I deserved losing a good relationship in my past because I didn't nurture it and I got what I deserved in my time too. We all get out what we put into things but nothing lasts forever. He is a good stable man who is hard working and has so much to give and it was not appreciated where he was now he has someone who will appreciate him and support him for who he is and not for who they want him to be. So you better believe we deserve each other, we are good for one another Isn't that what love should be?

 

Some people deserve each other and be happy.. (you)

 

others are alone and happy... (me with my MMs)

 

others are alone and bitter... (many)

 

others say they are happy in their M... (ha-hem) but the truth is... they're not and that's why they're so bitter and angry at us OW...

[bentnotbroken]

Some people deserve each other and be happy.. (you)

 

others are alone and happy... (me with my MMs)

 

others are alone and bitter... (many)

 

others say they are happy in their M... (ha-hem) but the truth is... they're not and that's why they're so bitter and angry at us OW...

 

 

And some are thanking God everyday that he showed us that life was better alone than with someone with so little regard for our health and well being.

[Lizzie60]

And some are thanking God everyday that he showed us that life was better alone than with someone with so little regard for our health and well being.

 

Come on.. that's baloney... If God was soooo good... he wouldn't have allowed the partner to stray in the first place... you'd still be with him...

[sarme]

Now you have said all along in your post that it takes two to mess up a marriage, now you are saying that one person didn't know how to hold a relationship together. Which one is it? I have my opinion, what's yours?

 

And I still sustain that very same thought, they together, could not make "that" marriage work. They tried and it failed so rather than prolongue the agony, part company. I have my opinion too!?!? What's with this witch hunt anway? I know very well what I said and why I say things so you can keep trying to see if I "slip up" or whatever it is that you are trying to dig deeper about, but there is nor reading between the lines here my opinion is firm. Two people destroy a relationship but it only takes one to want out, and that is usually how it is. Rarely do both people agree they want out and people will latch on for any sorts of varius reasons, none of which are necessarily good to them or for their long term well being.

[sarme]

Come on.. that's baloney... If God was soooo good... he wouldn't have allowed the partner to stray in the first place... you'd still be with him...

 

There's a thought! LOL

[bentnotbroken]

Come on.. that's baloney... If God was soooo good... he wouldn't have allowed the partner to stray in the first place... you'd still be with him...

 

 

 

God gives all of us free choice. Mr Messy chose to cheat. That is his burden to bear and to deal with. God guided me in a new direction and blessed me in a way that I couldn't have been blessed if I were still with him. How I handled what he and the ow did to me was also a choice and I hope God is pleased with it.

[sarme]

How long did he have the affair with you before ending his marriage, getting that divorce? How long did he lie, cheat, betray his wife before he left her? See, he had a choice on whether or not to cheat. If he was soooo unhappy, he should have left before going after you. To stay married to someone he obviously hates was stupid on his behalf. All he did was create a drama, hurt his wife more, let alone probably make you feel hurt and jealous while he stayed married and you were his OW.

 

Sorry, but it SHOULD matter that someone (aka you) was on the sidelines before his marriage ended. It should matter alot actually..

 

Yeah but he didn't leave his W before he met me and I did meet a married man whom I fell deeply in love with intstead of a single one, your moral judgement is not going to change my history and no amount of scrutinizing back and forth is going to change that. So we did the proactive thing and decided to go to councelling together to understand our actions, to ensure we never go down this path again, because neither one of us wants to feel pain like that again nor inflict pain on anyone else like that again, and we are doing what we can to ensure we don't repeat an old pattern. So rather than focusing on what we could have done right, which we cannot change, we are doing everything in our power to set a presedence straight for our future goals together. I really don't see how dwelling in the "I should of could of would of" aspect of things would change anything now. There are many celebirty couples that met how we met and they have happy fulfilled lives and it worked, and they weren't hit by the "KARMA" truck like a lot of people here love to use as silly scare tactic, they just left a life that was not working behind and started a new life hoping to make it work. In fact in some cases the person left behind seems to be hit by some kind of Karma truck...unfrotunately. I don't think anyone deserves to be hit by any sort of ill wishing but life is like that we have ups we have downs and we have good and bad periods. Some things are meant to be some aren't.

[Lizzie60]

God gives all of us free choice. Mr Messy chose to cheat. That is his burden to bear and to deal with. God guided me in a new direction and blessed me in a way that I couldn't have been blessed if I were still with him. How I handled what he and the ow did to me was also a choice and I hope God is pleased with it.

 

Well good for you if it makes you feel good about the whole thing..

[bentnotbroken]

And I still sustain that very same thought, they together, could not make "that" marriage work. They tried and it failed so rather than prolongue the agony, part company. I have my opinion too!?!? What's with this witch hunt anway? I know very well what I said and why I say things so you can keep trying to see if I "slip up" or whatever it is that you are trying to dig deeper about, but there is nor reading between the lines here my opinion is firm. Two people destroy a relationship but it only takes one to want out, and that is usually how it is. Rarely do both people agree they want out and people will latch on for any sorts of varius reasons, none of which are necessarily good to them or for their long term well being.

 

 

Why would you say a witch hunt? I ask questions because I want to know the answers. It is clear that you have your life standards and plan to live by them. Why are you so defensive about it? I have been laughed at, ridiculed and dogged for my religious beliefs. It doesn't change what I believe or how I will live. Whether it is baloney or ham, it is who I am. Just as you are who you are. I am I right?

 

We all aren't the same and don't believe the same and don't have the same life goals or will even use the same roads to get where we want to go. It is what it is. Own it, I and so many others do.

[bentnotbroken]

Well good for you if it makes you feel good about the whole thing..

 

 

Makes me feel great actually. I don't know where I would be without God's guidance. Mr. Messy did me a big favor. Now if he could convince the ow to move on too, we would all be doing what we want.

[sarme]

God gives all of us free choice. Mr Messy chose to cheat. That is his burden to bear and to deal with. God guided me in a new direction and blessed me in a way that I couldn't have been blessed if I were still with him. How I handled what he and the ow did to me was also a choice and I hope God is pleased with it.

 

That's true. So how did you handle that?

[whichwayisup]

Yeah but he didn't leave his W before he met me and I did meet a married man whom I fell deeply in love with intstead of a single one, your moral judgement is not going to change my history and no amount of scrutinizing back and forth is going to change that.

 

I wasn't judging you, I was just pointing out something about your MM. And also added my 2 cents about this:

Says who, the way to split right is to leave and not have someone on the sidelines? Who cares if there was someone on the sidelines or not, he left, that's the main point

 

So we did the proactive thing and decided to go to councelling together to understand our actions, to ensure we never go down this path again, because neither one of us wants to feel pain like that again nor inflict pain on anyone else like that again,

Good for you both then, for doing the counselling and wanting to make the necessary changes that will only help you in the future with him.

 

Sidenote: It means that it did matter how your relationship with him started, as neither of you want to inflict pain on anybody else again. So, that's why I don't understand why you said this: Who cares if there was someone on the sidelines or not. That does matter, whether you admit it or not.

[whichwayisup]

How I handled what he and the ow did to me was also a choice and I hope God is pleased with it

 

Well, it seems you didn't let those two ruin you and your life. You chose to rise above it with alot of faith and hard work.

[sarme]

Why would you say a witch hunt? I ask questions because I want to know the answers. It is clear that you have your life standards and plan to live by them. Why are you so defensive about it? I have been laughed at, ridiculed and dogged for my religious beliefs. It doesn't change what I believe or how I will live. Whether it is baloney or ham, it is who I am. Just as you are who you are. I am I right?

 

We all aren't the same and don't believe the same and don't have the same life goals or will even use the same roads to get where we want to go. It is what it is. Own it, I and so many others do.

 

I don't mind at all being asked questions and I will gladly answer questions I feel are relevant to what we are talking about but it just seems you were looking for contradictions in my responses in a sort of antagonistic way, perhaps I got you confused with another poster earlier who was cutting and pasting things from my past threads that were totally irrelevant to this conversation trying to get at what really?!?! You know some cheaters come on here and they get bashed pretty much by all sides but I have noticed not as bad as those of us who come on here and actually had our affairs end in relationships. I can I understand why my situation causes so much comotion in some people since my situation represents everything that a BS is trying to avoid. Perhaps that is what I sensed in one of the earlier posts. I am very comfortable in who I am and in what I believe in otherwise I would not be here talking about it, but I have no time for people who just want to nitpick me or my situation apart. If you want ask questions fine let's chat but when I sense the Spanish Inquisition, mixed in with moral criticism after moral criticsm, I really have no desire to engage in a battle of that because what is done is done, if it is acceptable for me and my life no amount of your own beliefs are going to change the course of my route. :-)

[whichwayisup]

where they had sex in my bed and my children's beds

 

That is just sickening behaviour. I'm not kidding, my stomach just lurched from reading this. I could only imagine how you felt about that...

[whichwayisup]

I am a work in progress and some days are better than others

 

You'll get there. All that's happened to you just makes you a stronger, wiser woman! Your kids are lucky to have you in their lives as their mom and role model.

[sarme]

ISidenote: It means that it did matter how your relationship with him started, as neither of you want to inflict pain on anybody else again. So, that's why I don't understand why you said this: Who cares if there was someone on the sidelines or not. That does matter, whether you admit it or not.

 

"Who cares" in the sense that pointing out to me that I am with a lowlife man as some have tried to imply with the yuck comments etc simply because of how we met is what I refer to as who cares, to them. I dont care enough to deter me from no proceeding beacause we both did the unthinkable so we are both on the same level. Since I chose to rise above how we met then why should anyone else? We met under less than perfect circumstance but our paths crossed for a reason and it feels good to be in each other's lives, so when I look at the grand picture that is what I mainly focus on "it feels good that we are in each other's lives" so who cares if we met how we did love for us prevailed and though we can't ever let this happen again we also cannot live in our past mistake. The thing is and this is something that came out in one of our sessions and he says to me "look if I want out of the relationship again it means we are not doing what we can to make it work or one of us falls out of love or whatever, but seeing another partner as a means to new happiness is the not the answer, I never saw you as means to new happiness I saw you as the woman of my dreams the one I had hoped for all my life and never came around, this isn't going to happen to me again, this level of love/connection doesn't happen many times in your life it only happens once so why would I jeaopardise this to be with someone else?" I know this is hard to read for some but he honestly never felt like this about his W, he really didn't. I feel like for him this is the real deal. He as always faithful to his W and there was never any reason for him to stray even though he was unhappy for many years, I was his first and last and I have to trust that until proven otherwise. HE didn't skip out on me/us he skipped out on them for the dynamic they built together.

[whichwayisup]

Well, it sounds like you both are working hard to make sure that your relationship stays on the straight and narrow and together you'll not let past mistakes and choices get in the way.

[whichwayisup]

That's why God is good, because when I found out that they had been in my kid's beds, I wanted to hurt and maim, publically. That still pisses me off. At least he has bought new beds.

God is part of it, but you need to give yourself alot of credit too! You put your kids first and handled everything maturely (I'm sure having some revengeful thoughts were fun to have, even though you wouldn't follow through on them)...

[sarme]

I chose not to go to the school at which I work and tell them that she and Mr Messy had sex in the parking lot and have both of them arrested. I chose not to go with my anger and plaster the e-mails that she sent to my home(where they had sex in my bed and my children's beds) all over her neighborhood. I chose to tell her to her face that I forgave her, but if she ever crossed me again I not so sure I would want God to guide me. I let him continue to live in my home until he could find a new place. I encourage his children to give him another chance at being a decent father. And I chose not to go to her PTA board and tell them that she took him on trips paid for with PTA money, in exchange for her repaying the money and stepping down.

 

I discussed all my ideas and plans with her BS and he agreed that all of our children had been hurt enough by their selfishness and we wouldn't add to it. So even on days of anger, I pray that I never act out of vengence(because I want to) and that I keep moving forward. And that God is happy with my progress and forgives me for my failures.

 

That is just sickening what you just told us here, they did actually did it in your children's bed and your matrimonial bed? Oh my god that is just dispicable!! With all due respect Bent but I am really glad you opted not to do any of those things, unfortunately no matter how horrible what they did was and how much people would have ridiculed them for their behaviour I am fraid that going down the path of exposing that in such a tirade manner would have ultimately made you look worse. So god was on your side when something snappend and told you" no way that is no the way to go" Ultimately posting those notes would have hurt the children.

[stampdaddy]

That's why God is good, because when I found out that they had been in my kid's beds, I wanted to hurt and maim, publically. That still pisses me off. At least he has bought new beds.

"Publically" OR "Pubically"???

 

[GirlZilla]

"yeah, I dated a little after D, no big deal, had sex once, which was a mistake.. again no big deal, AND THEN in 2004, met the girl of my dreams, the love of my life, my best friend, my golf buddy.... OH, and she's still with her H because of the kids... But one day, maybe she'll be back... OR NOW DO I LIE???

 

Funny...Stampy, I was just thinking about this earlier today.

[sarme]

It wouldn't have made me look worse, everyone here understand what kind of person she is. As unfair as it might seem, Mr. Messy got off a lot easier than she did. He isn't from here and all of his family is in another state, so all of them don't know, just his parents. But she was born and raised here,so all of her family and friends know what they did and they blame her because he is at least the 4th or 5th guy she has done it with.

 

Her BS believes he deserves what she did, because he cheated with her when she was married to hubby #2. I don't know if he deserved it or not, but her children certainly didn't. Neither did her mom and sister. They keep apologizing for something that they had no control over.

 

Two adults made the selfish decision to act like walking piles of ......well you know. But I dont' think that I wouldn't have recieved anything but support.

 

I think that if you would have put flyers up all over town or at the school parking lot (I think that is what you said?) it would have made you look psychotic, it would have gotten you in trouble with the law but most imporantly it would been really really bad for the children not only would they have been ridiculed for having a cheating dad they would have been ridiculed for having a crazy mom too. It is one thing to have two adults muck things up on their own behind closed doors it is another to pull of something like that and expect not to look crazy. I am glad you didn't do it you would have totally regreted it.

[GirlZilla]

Where is Tomcat when you need her.....