! if someone needs space will you ever get back together?

[iamsoveryconfused]

I love my boyfriend. We have been together for almost 3 years now (in a few weeks). Over Christmas he surprised me and showed up Christmas eve with a big bow on himself at my parents house. We hung out with my family and he left the day after Christmas to be with his. He begged me to leave early and hang out with him at his parents so on the 27th I packed my stuff and went to his parents house. We went out for dessert together and talked about how funny our best friends wedding speeches would be and that we were pretty screwed. We are in a very serious relationship (he has bought an engagement ring stone but hasn't had it mounted). His parents will not let us stay in the same room when we are in their house, but we snuck into his bed and he held me all night setting his alarm for before any of them would get up so I could go to my room. The next two days we spent at a bed and breakfast we had gone to the previous year for our anniversary. We exchanged very expensive anniversary gifts early (a month early!) since he was going to be on the other side of the country until March, had a lot of sex and laid in bed wrapped in each others arms. During the stay at the bed and breakfast we went to one of his family friends weddings and danced together all night. The following morning we ate our bed and breakfast brunch together and threw marshmallows at each others hot cocoa cups. Yes this all seems very ideal and never once did I expect what came next. After breakfast I drove him to his parents hotel (as they went to the wedding too) since they were taking him to his flight. He gave me lots of kisses goodbye in front of his dad none the less (who doesn't approve of public displays of affection), we told each other we would miss and love each other then I drove back to my apartment. That evening he emailed his best friend and told him he was breaking up with me and that he had a miserable time with me the last couple weeks. He got wasted that night and the next morning told me he didn't want to be with me or anybody and that he needed a break from relationships. I was blown away. I completely wasn't expecting it and am devastated. I have spent 3 days crying over this and have spent about an hour and a half talking to him about it. He says he is young and has only been with me and he wants to see what else is out there. That he loves me very much but isn't sure he is in love with me anymore. That he believes in the end we will be together and wouldn't be surprised if I was the girl he married but right now he can't have a relationship with anyone. That he needs time and space to rediscover himself and what he likes. That he doesn't want to string me along because even if i give him space he may just be happy being alone. When I have called him since he laughs and makes jokes with me and tells me I am cute and will even say he loves me after a conversation. I am so confused and love him so very much. I want to give him space but at the same time I feel like he is doing this because of the people he is around telling him he is too young to be so committed. How do I keep this wonderful relationship (which it has been to this point) and not lose the man I love? We haven't broken up yet, but are so very close to that point. I know if we break up it will be too much between us. HELP!?!?! what is going on???

[cj1988]

I am so sorry you are hurting ! My H and I took a 4 month break in 2002, I had a blast. Yes, he wanted the break, so I said ok whatever and went out and had fun. He came back crying after 4 months when he heard I was NOT miserable and was dating again.....we were not married at the time.

 

Now, I regret taking him back and wish I would have stayed alone. You see men that lie and act like babies are idiots, you deserve better, go get it and have a blast. You cannot love a man like that forever......

[GlamourBabe]

I can imagine how awful you are feeling right now, my heart sunk when I read your post. But I think he is being very very selfish and you are going to find this so hard but YOU have to think about YOURSELF, even more now that he is thinking about himself. It never fails me to surprise me that they completely change character after breaking up with you. I put this down to the fact they emotionally check out of the relationship when they were in the relationship, they contemplate not having you in your life, and they still chose to be without you. ( reaslising this hurt me but you have to realise this ) Or even more cheekily they think "well she wouldnt do NC" she will stick around still, and if i dont meet anyone better I can have her back" like I think my ex is doing with me. Oh no mr! not going to happen with me!!!!!! All I can say is do what your comfortable with, dont do what you will regret but be kind to yourself.

 

 

Keep Posting

 

Glamour Babe

[Chrome Barracuda]

When a woman often says she neds space to find out who she is.

 

That says to me: I wanna bang someone else but it's a temporary break just in case things dont work out between me and my new jump off.

 

Bottom line, rarely a person goes off on an deep introspective journey to find their spiritual side.

 

Certain people are so full of **** it makes me laugh. Alot of women tried to use that on me and it has never worked because I see right through the crap I can differ what is real and what is not.

 

I just reply back that you want space. Fine. But dont expect me to be waiting when you come back. If you come back.

 

Bottom line no exceptions.

 

There is no reason to take a break from the relationship.

 

You can always ask your partner for some alone time to get your bearings, that's respectful of them as a person and a human being. Dont try to play them like their stupid.

 

90% of the time a person sees right through it, but people are apt to believe what their SO says.

 

So what can you do.

[D-Lish]

That kind of news is pretty devastating.

I suspect that he might have been confused for a while, and wanted to spend a few intimate moments with you before breaking the news to you.

 

If he needs space, your best hope for reconciliation is to give him that space and discontinue contact with him. Currently, he is having his cake and eating it too! The bottom line is that he can't figure out if he misses you when you are still available to him anytime he wants.

 

The hardest thing to do is to stop the contact- especially because the news seems so out of the blue and it must be confusing to you.

 

There is a god thread on here about no contact- by "The Chris". Search that name and read the post.... it might give you some tools on how to handle this situation.

[sedgwick]

god, that's HORRIBLE! my ex did something very similar -- great weekend together before he left town for three months, then he dumped me the morning he left.

 

i think if he says he needs space you should give it to him. just say, okay, fine, i love you, and if this is what you need, you got it. then completely and totally ignore him. don't answer his calls, NOTHING. it sucks, it's horrible, but it's the only way he's going to realize what he's giving up.

 

i am so sorry that happened to you. i don't think i'll ever trust another man again -- i can't imagine how!

[Rooster_DAR]

Just like Chrome suggested.

 

 

I need space = I'm banging someone else

 

 

As long as I've been on LS I've never seen anyone get back together after these words are spoken.

 

 

I'd like to be more positive, but I can't.

 

Cheers!

[iamsoveryconfused]

Hopefully I am going to talk to him tonight. I just don't even know what to say. He claims there is nothing wrong with us. He says he doesn't want to break up with me and that is why it is so hard. He just doesn't want to be in a relationship. You can't have that! It is impossible! And he is so far away from me. You don't break up with a girlfriend of 3 years over the phone 1000's of miles away. Not if you loved her!

Also, he says he was talking about weddings with me "abstractly" and didn't know I was talking about us. Ummm you bought a stone for an ENGAGEMENT RING and told me about it (or else he lied about that). Plus I'm his girlfriend of 3 years not 3 weeks. No one has an abstract wedding conversation with their girlfriend. I feel like I'm being filled with bull-crap and I told him that and he is like you have to trust me. Trust him?? He isn't sure if he wants to be with me and i should trust him?

24 is not too young to be in a serious relationship I don't care how many girlfriends you have had. If you love someone and you are 24 good for you! Why would you push away someone you love just to see if they were really the person you loved?

But if he doesn't love me how did he pretend so well to love me? how was I fooled? why is he dragging this out?

-miserable

[D-Lish]

I have no doubt he has love for you.

 

I dated and married a virgin- he was 5 years younger than me when we met and I had dating experience and he had very little. To make a long story short- after close to a decade of being together- he began to question the relationship and felt he had a need to sow his wild oats so to speak.

 

This isn't about you, it's about him. I am sure he loves you and is feeling confusion at the moment.

 

Everyone is suggesting the same advice- give him space, discontinue contact with him, and take some time for youself to heal.

[Trialbyfire]

if someone needs space will you ever get back together?

OP, I'm going to amend your header question.

 

"If someone needs space, why would you ever want to get back together?"

[Lee725]

I am sorry you are going through this, i can only imagine how terribly hard it is for you given there was not indication that it was about to happen.

 

it does not matter how you look at it he is playing with you.

He cant say that he does not want to be a relationship and wants to see what else the world has to offer him and yet also say that he does not want to break up with you.

 

If you stay with this guy you will only be leading yourself down the pathway of more heartache.

I know it is easy for me to say it, but the pain you will go through in breaking it off with him will be shorter than the pain that will come "staying with him", and waiting for him to re-discover himself.

 

It could go on for months and all the while you are going to be sitting there wondering what he doing and who he is with and in the end after who knows how long, he may end up saying he does not want to be with you anyway.

 

To answer the title of your thread, sometimes yes, sometimes no.

I have seen it happen and i also have been through it in long term relationships.

 

For me in the end it still did not work out, i moved away for 3 months so he could "find" himself - i left my house, my belongings, everything so he could have the space he wanted, when i came back he hit the roof because little did i know he had a new girlfriend who he had been having in my house in my absence (he is still with her to this day). I kicked his a** out.

 

For my friend who went through it, it did work out and she has been with her BF now for 6 1/2 years.

They split up about a year ago for 3 months (her call - she needed space away from him), she "had a thing" with another guy but in the end he took her back when she wanted to go back.

 

It is not easy for them now because her BF does have trust issues (rightfully so), but they are working on it.

 

good luck and i hope that it works out for you.

[AudiA4]

wow very similar tome she say she loves me and this an that yada yada and comes back to me as a friend with benefit I told her today where to put it and that I dont like being used like that. so I guess the NC starts today for good for me. it sucks I feel your pain...

[iamsoveryconfused]

Okay, so I talked to him last night and he acted like everything was completely normal like the entire conversation had never occurred before. Then after 5 minutes of normalcy he was like ok I have to go to bed. We usually talk for about an hour (as we don't live together and only see each other on weekends). When I asked him about the situation he was like I still need time to think, this isn't going to be over in a day. I completely understand it will take more than a day, but shouldn't we talk about it? After that the conversation got awkwardly quiet, ended with I love you's and that was that. I don't believe he wants to bang other chicks. He isn't that kind of guy (i know every guy on this page is thinking what guy ISN'T that guy). But seriously, he isn't that kind of guy. I really feel like he is scared to go the next step with me and this is the only thing he could think of to prevent it. I just don't know what to say or do to help him? Any suggestions?

[CalamitousJane]

Ah sweetie, it sounds miserable.

 

It's hard to say what's going to end up happening, but if he says he wants space, you gotta give him space.

 

That doesn't mean change your phone number and never answer his texts, it just means don't contact him, don't cling to him, don't quiz him, don't beg, plead and argue, hang up the phone before he does.

 

If you need to cry and scream and beg, do it when you're alone or with a close friend. Write down all your thoughts and fears.

 

When you do talk to him be as balanced, calm and friendly as you possibly can.

 

Go out with other guys - no need to hook up, just hang out.

 

Give him maybe just a little bit MORE space than he wants.

 

That may do the trick, if what he says is true.

 

Either way, the best thing you can do for yourself right now and for your future is to turn away from him, cry out all the fear and sadness, and focus on the rest of your life for a while.

[iamsoveryconfused]

also, when i was on the phone with him he was like you are so ridiculously cute and called me his little bunny (which is his pet name for me whenever we are goofing around which usually ends up with us snuggling or telling each other we love one another a million times). I just don't get how he can do that and so chipperly say "I love you! Talk to you later!". I have been very positive on the phone with him. I haven't cried to him, though my friends have sure heard it. It just breaks my heart to love him so much and have him tell me he loves me. We used to call back and forth like 7 times a day just with something stupid to say to make the other person laugh. I miss that. That is the hardest part.

[ElvenPriestess]

You should consider yourself lucky. I have a VERY similar situation and I'm married! He needs time to think about things, doesn't know what he wants, might want divorce, isn't sure. And we're married! At least you didn't marry him and then find this out. I know, three years is a long time, but at LEAST you still have many options. Honestly, the time and love you put into him, it's a load of SELFISH CRAP.

 

He is being SOOOOOO selfish, not thinking ANYTHING of how YOU feel. Every excuse he's giving to you, everything you've wrote that he said, honestly, he wants to know what other girls are out there as he's had no other experiences. And he's pretty much telling you that to your face. I'm not saying even sleep with other girls, I'm just saying he wants to experience other girls. Date them. If you read between the lines and into what he said, he has told you this.

 

You keep thinking of what he wants, what he says HE needs. What about you? You have needs and feelings too? Don't you want someone who won't pull this crap out of nowhere? Think about it.

[iamsoveryconfused]

any insight as to why all of a sudden he would decide he wants that? Why tell me you started making an engagement ring then right after decide you want to date other people?

I've thought about me. Honestly, I have a lot of dating experience. I've "tried out" many guys and all of them haven't provided me with what I have wanted. He isn't the first guy I have slept with or dated. He is the first guy I have been this crazy about. And I'm not the girl that has always been the dumper. I have been dumped and I have dumped people. This guy is truly very special to me. We have a blast together, I've completely opened up to him, I feel warm and happy and content when I'm with him. I thought he was the guy I'd spent the rest of my life with. He is one of my best friends. Everyone that knows us both (and many people do as we met his senior year of college and we went to the same school) thinks we are the best couple they have ever seen. We have fun together and we have the appropriate level of seriousness. No one understands where this is coming from, not even his best friend (who was a mutual friend of ours anyways). His best friend even wants it to work out because he says my boyfriend has never been happier in his life than when he is with me, I've made him a better person (he used to be depressed before we started being friends), my boyfriend has talked to his best friend about spending the rest of his life with me. He has even told his sister and mom he was going to marry me and asked his brother in law if it is normal to be terrified. To go from loving me so much to being so selfish and cold just doesn't seem like a normal thing for anyone to do. I have to believe there is more to it than that.

It's hard because all i want to do is call him and force him to talk and work things out. but i know if i do that we will just be right in this same place down the road. I guess I just have to wait and see what happens?

[fabulousgal]

maybe he is scared, maybe he wants other women, maybe he does or doesn't love you. you will never know these things. it will be the hardest thing you go through right now.

 

but what is known is that he is not meeting your needs which are just as important as his. give HIM space. let him see what he is losing. because you still chatting him up nightly and asking questions is going to get you NOWHERE. i am really sorry and it is horrible. ou will hurt like a b* and grieve. however you will empower yourself by cutting the cord. if he is as spectacular as you make him sound, he'll be back......but i can assure you he will play you if you let him, people are inherently selfish.

 

let him see he is making a mistake, by seeing what life without you is like. he should be careful what he wishes for, is what you should tell yourself.

[Lee725]

any insight as to why all of a sudden he would decide he wants that?

 

There is only one person out there who really know the answer to this question. That is Him.

 

There are a multitude of maybe's and if you sit and think about them you are going to drive yourself completely bonkers.

I am an over-analyzer from way back and i of all people know that it is so very difficult to turn it off.

I am capable of working myself into an uncontrollable state when i over analyze to much.

 

as difficult as it is and will be for how ever long it takes, if he needs space you have to give it to him.

i think the phone conversations which you are having with him are doing you so much more harm.

 

He is leaving you with so many more unanswered questions everytime you talk to him. He is confusing you more.

 

Trying to maintain the emotional connection with you over the phone while refusing to commit to you physically is a brain squeeze.

 

If this situation is to come to any real outcome or closure, complete time alone for both of you may be the only way. Full NC, no matter how much he tries to be your friend (yes i know easier said than done).

 

Think about how you are going to feel after reciving these "nice" calls when the one comes through that tells you he is going out to date someone else.

It is very likely that will happen (sorry for being such a pessimist), but he will crave physical attention at some point and he has already said that he wont commit himself to you.

 

Please save yourself from this heartache.

Pull yourself away as much as it is going to hurt now so you can preserve your heart in the future.

[iamsoveryconfused]

ok. so once again last night he called me. First he was in a HORRIBLE mood then he called me back and was sweet as syrup. I told him that I don't want him to call me and I'm not calling him because I don't deserve this emotional beating. He agreed that I don't deserve it either. As of yet we have not broken up, however I made it very clear I do not want contact with him till he has his s*** together. So I have planned an entire weekend out with friends which I am excited about then I have another busy work week as the holiday break is over. I'm going to try to forget about this whole mess and how much I enjoy talking to him. Because right now I am not enjoying talking to him. Thinking about him and talking to him are making me feel horrible. So fingers crossed that everything works out between us. But I think time is the only thing that will tell that. thank you for everyone's advice. I really needed some outside support besides from the people who know us both who just think we should and will always be together. I'm going to remain optimistic.

[iamsoveryconfused]

still nothing...

[iamsoveryconfused]

got a call today... apparently he misses me and says the space is doing him a lot of good and he hopes soon he remembers how much he loves me. Had to laugh a little at that... but I guess at least he misses me. I'm still not calling... we'll see how it works out.