Trialbyfire Posted January 3, 2008 Share Posted January 3, 2008 Do you tell him your are going and tell him whats up ?.. See.. that is what people do... The OP Yes, I've always been pretty clear, not necessarily about exact dates but close enough. Hmmm...I see your point. That part does sound kind of shady. Link to post Share on other sites
Author AndyW Posted January 3, 2008 Author Share Posted January 3, 2008 I asked who the friends were and she said she didn't know them. I wasn't going to take it any further. I think we have been solid for awhile. She was even saying over this past weekend that she didn't know if she should go away this week because she hadn't a ton of work related issues. So I even thought as of this weekend she might not go. Link to post Share on other sites
CD111 Posted January 3, 2008 Share Posted January 3, 2008 I have also gone on trips without my significant other. I either needed some alone time by myself or wanted to be with my friends without him. There is nothing wrong with that, I think. She probably didn't tell you earlier, because she knew you wouldn't be all that happy about it and this way she only had to deal with you for a few days. Not saying it's right. Link to post Share on other sites
Author AndyW Posted January 3, 2008 Author Share Posted January 3, 2008 I tend to agree with you CD111 Link to post Share on other sites
Vertex Posted January 3, 2008 Share Posted January 3, 2008 Yeah it's entirely possible she just wanted distance and didn't want to hurt your feelings by saying so. I'd ask her this and see what her response is like. Link to post Share on other sites
tanbark813 Posted January 3, 2008 Share Posted January 3, 2008 I don't snowboard but I do ski. In all honesty, it can be a pain to wait for someone, who has difficulty keeping up. Also, if the group wants to party hard and you don't enjoy partying, it's possible this could also be the reason. It's also possible that you're full as much shyt as the OP's woman. People make me physically ill. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted January 3, 2008 Share Posted January 3, 2008 It's also possible that you're full as much shyt as the OP's woman. People make me physically ill. Wow, that's a brilliant leap of intuition tanbark. Thanks for that. Here's more reality to make you ill. I've even flown on a plane for vacations, without my SOs... Yikes!!!!!! OMG, she's vacation cheating!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Jilly Bean Posted January 3, 2008 Share Posted January 3, 2008 It's also possible that you're full as much shyt as the OP's woman.quote] LOL. Certainly more than possible... I dunno. If my partner is not the same level as me in an activity, that wouldn't deter me from bringing him along. That's just retarded. So, if my bf doesn't do things at the same pace, then I am right to leave him behind? pfft. Link to post Share on other sites
tanbark813 Posted January 3, 2008 Share Posted January 3, 2008 Make fun if you like, but I am betting that the follow up thread to this will prove that I'm right. Link to post Share on other sites
Florida Posted January 3, 2008 Share Posted January 3, 2008 I'm not trying to be glib AndyW but this portends a break up from her pretty soon. I would try to emotionally prepare for it, I don't think I would want to stay with anyone who did that. I would be too hurt, it's obvious she planned it and didn't mention it so you couldn't come along....cold. Link to post Share on other sites
Jilly Bean Posted January 3, 2008 Share Posted January 3, 2008 Make fun if you like, but I am betting that the follow up thread to this will prove that I'm right. ? I happen to agree with you. I said it three times on this thread. I think poor Andy is kidding himself. When I need space from my guy, I take a spa weekend with the girls or I take a long drive on my own, OR I plan a business trip. I don't leave for a week of vacation with a group of peeps. If my guy isn't at the same pace for drinking or snowboarding, it's completely retarded to offer that as a reason for leaving him behind. And she took the DOGS for Gods sake! Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted January 3, 2008 Share Posted January 3, 2008 Make fun if you like, but I am betting that the follow up thread to this will prove that I'm right. You might be right, you might be wrong. The way you engaged me wasn't acceptable. I don't appreciate it...at all. Link to post Share on other sites
CD111 Posted January 3, 2008 Share Posted January 3, 2008 Well I agree with trialbyfire. Not that I wouldn't want to spend some time with my bf if he wasn't as good at an outdoor activity, but not the entire 10 days. There is also nothing wrong with that. What's rude is bringing your SO other along on the trip and then faking like you are having a good time with them on the bunny/ intermediate runs for 10 days. Especially when you went there to be with your friends. Link to post Share on other sites
CD111 Posted January 3, 2008 Share Posted January 3, 2008 SOOO she took the dogs. Like that really matters, at least he gets a break from them. They are her dogs anyway. I personally would take my dog everywhere. Even places my bf didn't go...for weeks. Link to post Share on other sites
tanbark813 Posted January 3, 2008 Share Posted January 3, 2008 You might be right, you might be wrong. The way you engaged me wasn't acceptable. I don't appreciate it...at all. Well it's just too bad that that doesn't matter. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted January 3, 2008 Share Posted January 3, 2008 Well I agree with trialbyfire. Not that I wouldn't want to spend some time with my bf if he wasn't as good at an outdoor activity, but not the entire 10 days. There is also nothing wrong with that. What's rude is bringing your SO other along on the trip and then faking like you are having a good time with them on the bunny/ intermediate runs for 10 days. Especially when you went there to be with your friends. Or ignoring your SO who's stuck on the bunny hills, while you're hitting the black and double black diamond runs. I can ski almost anything and prefer black diamond runs. My ex-H is a better skier than I am. When he wanted to do his kind of extreme skiing, we would split up. We would even take separate skiing vacations, because he loved to heli-ski and while I can do it, it's not always fun for me. Link to post Share on other sites
KenzieAbsolutely Posted January 3, 2008 Share Posted January 3, 2008 (edited) Or ignoring your SO who's stuck on the bunny hills, while you're hitting the black and double black diamond runs. I can ski almost anything and prefer black diamond runs. My ex-H is a better skier than I am. When he wanted to do his kind of extreme skiing, we would split up. We would even take separate skiing vacations, because he loved to heli-ski and while I can do it, it's not always fun for me. okay, so this is all possible, maybe she just didn't want to be held up on the slopes. unlikely, but possible. but there's a better way to deal with it then acting like it's no big deal, just planning it and then not bringing it up again, and then not even giving good, much less any, details about the trip whatsoever. she didn't even remind him she was going, not to even to see if he had made other plans too, and on a major holiday when couples often make plans together. it's like she just didn't want to talk about it all, which is what is so strange about it. either way, no matter what the reason, the sneaky way she went about it is the reason he is pissed off and wondering what is going on, and rightly so. they've been together over a year...there should be much better communication than there was. i think if he didn't bring it up again, she would have just left. and when he called her, upset and angry, she would have gotten all defensive with 'what? i told you i was going!' that's pretty shady, to me. she avoided talking about it, and that's why an innocent answer seems unlikely. Edited January 3, 2008 by KenzieAbsolutely Link to post Share on other sites
Green Posted January 3, 2008 Share Posted January 3, 2008 Who cares if shes cheating or not. Its just such a cold feeling to find out through questioning that your SO is leaving on a 10 day trip for the holidays and didn't think it would be nice to even tell you. And... I don't know if you'll ever find out but I see cheating on the slopes and in the cabin Link to post Share on other sites
amerikajin Posted January 3, 2008 Share Posted January 3, 2008 You might be right, you might be wrong. The way you engaged me wasn't acceptable. I don't appreciate it...at all. Okay, first of all, I gotta get this outta the way: Jee-zus! You are one incredibly hot chick, TBF (but I love you for your mind, of course). I digress.... Yeah, I kinda think along similar lines. I mean, I mean no disrespect to Jillie Bean or Tanbark, with whom I often agree on a lot of things, but you really have to be careful about automatically assuming the worst. You can think/scare yourself out of a relationship. Believe it or not, some people just occasionally lack the courtesy or tact to tell someone that they've got something on their mind or that they just need a week away or whatever - that doesn't automatically translate to "OMGWTF!!! The relationship's over." I realize that for those who have been burned that's an easy conclusion to reach, but hell, TBF got cheated on outright and even she doesn't automatically make that knee-jerk leap. I, too, feel that something is up. Something is definitely not right in the relationship, but strong couples can work through those things if there is trust and the channels of communication are open. But you only make things worse by assuming the worst and acting all insecure and badgering someone -- which is not to say that this behavior isn't understandable in a case like this, because I have a tendency to let my mouth overload my ass myself. But, I'm just telling you from experience: take your finger off the break-up trigger. Ease up. Breathe. Chill. Talk. If she doesn't want to talk about it, then give her the week to herself and let her get back to you on her own time table. If you haven't heard from her after a week then just call her up and tell her straight up: it's a relationship involving TWO people who BOTH have commitments to honor if the relationship is truly going to be called a committed relationship. And if she doesn't get it or otherwise doesn't seem to give a sh*t, well...it sucks but you know where you stand. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted January 3, 2008 Share Posted January 3, 2008 I'm flattered, amerikajin. It's always nice to hear about my mind. I'm uncertain why this thread turned into a personal attack battleground when it's to the benefit of the OP, to hear as many differing points of view as possible. It also never hurts to be cautious about someone cheating or not. The best thing is to take it slowly and watch for the signs. If and when you have some concrete proof, act on it. To use amerikajin's phrase, never "knee-jerk" react because you could be wrong and have damaged your relationship for no reason at all. Link to post Share on other sites
amerikajin Posted January 3, 2008 Share Posted January 3, 2008 (edited) It also never hurts to be cautious about someone cheating or not. The best thing is to take it slowly and watch for the signs. If and when you have some concrete proof, act on it. To use amerikajin's phrase, never "knee-jerk" react because you could be wrong and have damaged your relationship for no reason at all. I think a lot of people here are well-intentioned, and I definitely think there are cases where the "don't take no sh*t from nobody" advice applies. I've read some accounts of posters who were complete doormats and needed to be shaken up a bit. But there's a difference between some guy whose dating a woman who, since the beginning of their relationship, has been going out with her male co-workers to all-night parties and then verbally abusing her him when she arrives at 5 a.m. the next morning....and this. This just looks like a possible warning sign, which may actually be nothing at all -- there's nothing concrete in the original post (and sorry I didn't read the whole thread) that would indicate that she is, for sure, dumping him. But even if she does <shrug>...so f*cking what? Is pride really all that important? Is love a game where one person wins and the other necessarily loses? I think insecure people see it that way, and for the longest time I did myself, but I guess I've turned a corner of sorts: it's not about winning and losing, it's about matching your long-term interests with someone else. It's not like the whole neighborhood's going to drag him out of his house and publicly castrate him if he ends up losing his woman before he dumps her first. If you get dumped, you get dumped. Move on. Edited January 3, 2008 by amerikajin Link to post Share on other sites
Florida Posted January 3, 2008 Share Posted January 3, 2008 (edited) I think a lot of people here are well-intentioned, and I definitely think there are cases where the "don't take no sh*t from nobody" advice applies. I've read some accounts of posters who were complete doormats and needed to be shaken up a bit. But there's a difference between some guy whose dating a woman who, since the beginning of their relationship, has been going out with her male co-workers to all-night parties and then verbally abusing her him when she arrives at 5 a.m. the next morning....and this. This just looks like a possible warning sign, which may actually be nothing at all -- there's nothing concrete in the original post (and sorry I didn't read the whole thread) that would indicate that she is, for sure, dumping him. But even if she does <shrug>...so f*cking what? Is pride really all that important? Is love a game where one person wins and the other necessarily loses? I think insecure people see it that way, and for the longest time I did myself, but I guess I've turned a corner of sorts: it's not about winning and losing, it's about matching your long-term interests with someone else. Yeah but there is something to be said for not having the rug pulled out from under you, at the very least-he should be alarmed she was so la-di-da lackadaisical about his thoughts and feelings-there was NO regard for him. The red flags: -she was vague about it and didn't extend the invite -she was invited by a *friend* -no contact from her the whole week?? Nothing... -a cabin was rented- do you know what there is to do in a cabin-just drink, hang out, spend time with the other 9 people....why was he not invited over New Year's??? -oh and it's guys and girls. So this is unfortunately, more than just alone time vacation. Edited January 3, 2008 by Florida Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted January 3, 2008 Share Posted January 3, 2008 I think a lot of people here are well-intentioned, and I definitely think there are cases where the "don't take no sh*t from nobody" advice applies. I've read some accounts of posters who were complete doormats and needed to be shaken up a bit. But there's a difference between some guy whose dating a woman who, since the beginning of their relationship, has been going out with her male co-workers to all-night parties and then verbally abusing her him when she arrives at 5 a.m. the next morning....and this. This just looks like a possible warning sign, which may actually be nothing at all -- there's nothing concrete in the original post (and sorry I didn't read the whole thread) that would indicate that she is, for sure, dumping him. But even if she does <shrug>...so f*cking what? Is pride really all that important? Is love a game where one person wins and the other necessarily loses? I think insecure people see it that way, and for the longest time I did myself, but I guess I've turned a corner of sorts: it's not about winning and losing, it's about matching your long-term interests with someone else. It's not like the whole neighborhood's going to drag him out of his house and publicly castrate him if he ends up losing his woman before he dumps her first. If you get dumped, you get dumped. Move on. Well said, particularly the bolded statement. You can also add pride and immaturity, to the insecurity. Ruefully speaking, I've been guilty of it as well. Link to post Share on other sites
amerikajin Posted January 3, 2008 Share Posted January 3, 2008 Yeah but there is something to be said for not having the rug pulled out from under you, at the very least-he should be alarmed she was so la-di-da lackadaisical about his thoughts and feelings-there was NO regard for him. The red flags: -she was vague about it and didn't extend the invite -she was invited by a *friend* -no contact from her the whole week?? Nothing... -a cabin was rented- do you know what there is to do in a cabin-just drink, hang out, spend time with the other 9 people....why was he not invited over New Year's??? -oh and it's guys and girls. So this is unfortunately, more than just alone time vacation. Yes, yes, yes, and yes -- red flags, all of them. My point is, a red flag can lead to a break up but it doesn't necessarily have to. A red flag is a warning sign that, at the very least, there needs to be a frank discussion about where two people see the relationship going. There could be a million different things on the girl's mind right now -- he will never, ever, ever know what's up if he just sits there, phones her up and says "I'm out." Sh*t, no wonder the divorce rate in our society is so high. Look, just so there's no confusion, I'm not defending what she did. I absolutely agree that what she did was insensitive and, in time, after they've talked about things and assuming there's still a relationship left at the end of the discussion, he has every right to ask that she be more mature about addressing these kinds of issues in the future. And who knows...maybe it is the end of the relationship. But whether he dumps her or she dumps him doesn't matter. If Andy generally feels that the relationship has otherwise been good, then why throw in the towel now? I'm not asking Andy to be a pathetic, groveling love-sick dog who hangs around for six months after a break up, clinging to some faint hope that she'll come around after she's clearly already moved on with her life -- but come to think of it, we're not at that point yet (or at least we weren't as of a while ago). Does it really matter if she ends up breaking up with him instead of the other way around? It's probably going to suck either way, right? If it were me, I think I'd rather look back at all this a year from now and know that the woman I loved and I broke up because we went as far as *she* wanted to go, not because I was some insecure spaz who flipped out and messed up the karma without giving it an honest go. Link to post Share on other sites
amerikajin Posted January 3, 2008 Share Posted January 3, 2008 Oh and Andy, in case you're wondering what you should do? The answer is absolutely nothing - until she is scheduled to get back. I mean don't even call her. She wants her space? Give it to her. Give her all of it and then some. But I would call her once she's scheduled to get back and then just be calm and talk about where you want the relationship to go and then ask her what she wants. It's that simple. Sounds like you've already done that, which is the right course of action, IMO. If you call her up, you'll be a pest. I know the urge is strong but resist. Just give her the space she wants. Don't let your imagination get the better of you. I have the feeling that if something happens (e.g. between her and another dude) you'll know fairly soon anyway as long as you're not naive. Link to post Share on other sites
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