Green Posted January 3, 2008 Share Posted January 3, 2008 This is why I dont usualy post stuff im going through on here... its crazy to see how much writing gets turned out on these social issues. That and I usualy get suspended Link to post Share on other sites
KidEternity Posted January 3, 2008 Share Posted January 3, 2008 Hmm wow this is pretty confusing Andy. First off all hopefully I don't over analyse all this stuff, but anyway here goes... So she secretly organised a trip, booked the time off, and didn't say anything too you, and if she is a strong independent woman as you say surely she would say to you "Oh I didn't think you wanted to go" or "Yeah I need some space" etc...but no she said absolutely nothing and said "I thought I told you" (that would send alarm bells off in my head) Anyway everyone needs space and you don't have to run everything by your boyfriend / girlfriend but I think her not telling you is really not good...and if you haven't met her friend and you're a year and a half in to a relationship I would be a bit concerned, if she is like her best friend I mean... Anyway I dunno if there is a guy in the mix but there is certainly something up with the relationship man. I'd send her a few messages just to let her know you are stirring, have to make her feel guilty at least! Hope you get it all sorted out amigo, good luck Link to post Share on other sites
Author AndyW Posted January 3, 2008 Author Share Posted January 3, 2008 Thank you everyone. I can assure you she is not going to hear from me. At the end of the day this just sucks. She wasn't upfront with me a month ago when she know what this trip was. Wether it is because of another guy, she wanted alone time, she doesn't like my snowboarding skills, whatever it was she should have told me back in Nov when she basically mislead me by staying she might go see her friend for a couple of days. She never mentioned going away for a week with 10 people to go boarding and party. I only found out she was going away because I asked. I told Monday that I thought she was a dick for not inviting me, for not telling me sooner that she was going away, and for not telling me any details of the trip. She doesn't need my approval to go away. But I feel when you are in a relationship with someone you out of respect discuss things like this. We had plans New Years eve night to go out and that didn't happen because we just would have fought all night. I have not heard from her since. I guess I will just wait and see what happens when she gets back. Link to post Share on other sites
Cobra_X30 Posted January 3, 2008 Share Posted January 3, 2008 Andy, You mentioned that she is divorced... and that she did this kind of stuff to her now ex husband. What is the history behind that? Link to post Share on other sites
bish Posted January 3, 2008 Share Posted January 3, 2008 I am 32 and so is my girlfriend. We have been together a year and a half. She mentioned a month ago that she might go see a friend for a few days around new years. Didn't think much of it. About 6 days ago I said are you going away and she says yes, I am going to be gone all week. She had already taken the time off and never mentioned anything to me. I said that seems like a long time. I said where are you saying. She said her friend rented a cabin and ten of them were going. This bothered me. I think she is a dick for not inviting me. It is one thing to go away for a few days with a girlfriend but another to go away with a group of 10 and not included me. Made me feel kind of like crap. She clearly didn't want me there. What are everyone's thoughts on this? If rolls were reversed I clearly would ask her to go and want her there. There is a reason she didn't want you to go...no mistake about it. And why do you think she wants to go away that long in a cabin with other people without you? And she didn't want to be with you on New Year's Eve?? I haven't read any other posts yet on this thread, but is she back yet? If so, you should make yourself unavailable. OR, you go away somewhere and don't invite her. Go to Vegas! Or you could just get rid of someone that doesn't care about you....I'd dump her if I were you. Link to post Share on other sites
bish Posted January 3, 2008 Share Posted January 3, 2008 My guess is that one of the group of 10 is a guy she's interested in. I thought the same thing. Why else would she not want to include him in this group? I highly doubt there wasn't anyone in the group that weren't there as a couple. Link to post Share on other sites
bish Posted January 3, 2008 Share Posted January 3, 2008 We had plans New Years eve night to go out and that didn't happen because we just would have fought all night. I have not heard from her since. I guess I will just wait and see what happens when she gets back. don't wait to see what happens...just make the decision to move on. don't even tell her you are moving on....let her contact you, if she does. and if she does...then you tell her you are through and you don't want to see her any longer. If she asks why, tell her she is not entitled to an answer...she hid things from you...now you are just making the decision to excise her from your life. you don't need someone this selfish in your life Link to post Share on other sites
bish Posted January 3, 2008 Share Posted January 3, 2008 One thing no one mentioned, do the both of you snowboard at the same level? I don't snowboard but I do ski. In all honesty, it can be a pain to wait for someone, who has difficulty keeping up. Also, if the group wants to party hard and you don't enjoy partying, it's possible this could also be the reason. If she likes to party hard and he doesn't, then they are a horrible mismatch anyway. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted January 3, 2008 Share Posted January 3, 2008 If she likes to party hard and he doesn't, then they are a horrible mismatch anyway. Perhaps, but that's not our call to make. AndyW needs to have a real conversation with his g/f, to find out what's going on. It's too easy to assume someone is cheating on you, when they really only need some space. I personally don't have a clue what's going on with his relationship, so I can only advise caution and provide possibilities of other reasons, until he gets some clarity. I do agree and did mention previously, that her avoidance of full disclosure, was shady. A poor way to generate trust. Link to post Share on other sites
Author AndyW Posted January 3, 2008 Author Share Posted January 3, 2008 She doesn't really party hard. She is pretty mellow. I like to party way more then she does. I have seen pictures where she used to go on week trips to London, Hawaii, all or the place without her husband or boyfriend at the time. The history is she comes from a totally disfunctional family. She hasn't spoken to her dad in ten years. Her mom is totally nuts. She is just extremely selfish. She wanted to spend new years eve with me down here and then she was driving up new years day. She is supposed to be back this weekend i believe because of work. I have no intention of calling or texting. I am just going to do my own thing. Link to post Share on other sites
Author AndyW Posted January 3, 2008 Author Share Posted January 3, 2008 (edited) C(11/30/2007 12:14:43 PM): fyi - one my best friends uyen is going to be in yosemite the first week of january and i want to drive up and see her for a couple days if i can. by the way, what are our plans for new year's eve? anything? Andy (11/30/2007 12:15:23 PM): okay. don't know C (11/30/2007 12:15:57 PM): ok Andy (11/30/2007 12:17:27 PM): we don't have plans for new years yet. when would you go to yosemite during the week or weekend. just curious C (11/30/2007 12:18:03 PM): during the week - she is there from 12/31 thru 1/5 Andy (11/30/2007 12:18:12 PM): doing what C (11/30/2007 12:18:40 PM): taking a vacation Andy (11/30/2007 12:18:47 PM): cool Andy (11/30/2007 12:19:27 PM): you want to go for new years, is that what you are asking C (11/30/2007 12:19:31 PM): i think she is in the bay area for some other reason and that's why she is going to yosemite while she's out in california but i haven't got the full scoop from her yet. she just got back from rome this week and invited me. C (11/30/2007 12:20:33 PM): i dont' think i want to go for new year's eve - would rather spend it with you instead - but maybe i would drive up on new year's day - not sure yet. Edited January 3, 2008 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
phoensam Posted January 3, 2008 Share Posted January 3, 2008 C(11/30/2007 12:14:43 PM): fyi - one my best friends uyen is going to be in yosemite the first week of january and i want to drive up and see her for a couple days if i can. by the way, what are our plans for new year's eve? anything? Andy (11/30/2007 12:15:23 PM): okay. don't know C (11/30/2007 12:15:57 PM): ok Andy (11/30/2007 12:17:27 PM): we don't have plans for new years yet. when would you go to yosemite during the week or weekend. just curious C (11/30/2007 12:18:03 PM): during the week - she is there from 12/31 thru 1/5 Andy (11/30/2007 12:18:12 PM): doing what C (11/30/2007 12:18:40 PM): taking a vacation Andy (11/30/2007 12:18:47 PM): cool Andy (11/30/2007 12:19:27 PM): you want to go for new years, is that what you are asking C (11/30/2007 12:19:31 PM): i think she is in the bay area for some other reason and that's why she is going to yosemite while she's out in california but i haven't got the full scoop from her yet. she just got back from rome this week and invited me. C (11/30/2007 12:20:33 PM): i dont' think i want to go for new year's eve - would rather spend it with you instead - but maybe i would drive up on new year's day - not sure yet. I feel for you. From reading these messages, I'd say it's clear she has been dishonest with you, and there must be a reason for it. I would say that it is so obvious, that you don't really have to talk to her about it, as she will probably tell more lies to you if she decides she still wants you, or just confirm what you already suspect. It sure does sound like there is a guy going that she maybe interested in, otherwise, there was just no good reason not to invite you....not to mention to lie to you about the trip itself. If you can manage it, I'd start focusing on getting out of it with my pride in tact. I'd cut her off cold turkey, not try to talk to her about it, not explain it, just not take her calls, return her texts etc. Let her think maybe you met someone while she was gone. She may come back wanting you again, maybe things won't work out between her & whoever else is at the cabin, but I'd stay well away from her. She sounds like she is happy to keep you hanging around til she moves on to the next guy and please don't let her use you like that. I wish I had something nicer to say about it all. You've been together along time and this must be very disappointing for you. Please ignore the people on here who are rude....there seem to be lots of bitter people around! Let us know how it goes and good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Green Posted January 3, 2008 Share Posted January 3, 2008 Oh god the state of Florida knows ur name Link to post Share on other sites
sunshinegirl Posted January 3, 2008 Share Posted January 3, 2008 I have seen pictures where she used to go on week trips to London, Hawaii, all or the place without her husband or boyfriend at the time. The history is she comes from a totally disfunctional family. She hasn't spoken to her dad in ten years. Her mom is totally nuts. This is a crucial piece of information: this is a longstanding pattern of behavior. While yes, she should have communicated better about it, her solo trip doesn't strike me at all as her giving her BF the giant eff-you. (Unless she was using those prior solo trips to cheat on her husband/BF!) And heck, some people are super flaky with details. She could very well *think* that she explained the whole thing to BF without ever having done so. My sister and her husband argue frequently about things that my bro-in-law SWEARS he told my sis, but didn't in reality. He's just a major flake. It's not malicious. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted January 3, 2008 Share Posted January 3, 2008 This is a crucial piece of information: this is a longstanding pattern of behavior. While yes, she should have communicated better about it, her solo trip doesn't strike me at all as her giving her BF the giant eff-you. (Unless she was using those prior solo trips to cheat on her husband/BF!) And heck, some people are super flaky with details. She could very well *think* that she explained the whole thing to BF without ever having done so. My sister and her husband argue frequently about things that my bro-in-law SWEARS he told my sis, but didn't in reality. He's just a major flake. It's not malicious. I agree with you. If anything, it's almost a situation of role reversal, where, no offense, the OP is the wife or g/f. I do agree that she didn't want you to go and if this is a deal-breaker in your relationship, I have doubts that she will change, considering her age and history. Link to post Share on other sites
phoensam Posted January 3, 2008 Share Posted January 3, 2008 There is a reason she didn't want you to go...no mistake about it. And why do you think she wants to go away that long in a cabin with other people without you? And she didn't want to be with you on New Year's Eve?? I haven't read any other posts yet on this thread, but is she back yet? If so, you should make yourself unavailable. OR, you go away somewhere and don't invite her. Go to Vegas! Or you could just get rid of someone that doesn't care about you....I'd dump her if I were you. ITA! Particularly the Vegas suggestion...Vegas is a great place to go, even on one's own, as you can't help but have fun, even if your heart is aching when you first get there! Go have fun...you can do so much better. Link to post Share on other sites
Florida Posted January 3, 2008 Share Posted January 3, 2008 Oh god the state of Florida knows ur name :laugh: Don't worry Andy-the state of Florida put Bush in the office by accident because everyone forgot how to use the polls, I'm sure you have nothing to worry about given the history! Link to post Share on other sites
amisconception Posted January 3, 2008 Share Posted January 3, 2008 I just don't understand what you're hoping to get out of talking to her when she gets back. What's the point? I predict she'll convince you that it wasn't a big deal. She'll make you feel like an idiot for having the feelings you have, and you'll ignore the disrespect. The only power you have is your ability to turn off your attention and walk away. If you've never stood up for yourself in your relationship, now is a good time as any to start. If she doesn't like it, she's not for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author AndyW Posted January 3, 2008 Author Share Posted January 3, 2008 I am really down today. Feel ****ty. Link to post Share on other sites
Green Posted January 3, 2008 Share Posted January 3, 2008 u know what would make u feel better... going out to one of those parties u talked about and hooking up with some chick you find cute and forgetting about ur old gf Link to post Share on other sites
phoensam Posted January 3, 2008 Share Posted January 3, 2008 I am really down today. Feel ****ty. Please don't!!! It always hurts when people we care about let us down...and it destroys a bit of our faith in humans each time they do it. But...you can also look at this from a very optimistic point of view, which is what i would try to do. The bright sides... 1. You have figured out what is going on, and you now have the power to do something about it. You can take all your power back by simply dumping her, no talking about it etc. she knows what she's done, she knows its wrong, she does not deserve one minute of your time and you can get out of it with your dignity completely in tact by breaking it off immediately with no further contact. 2. If you break it off with no further contact, there will probably come a day when she regrets what she has done. You can take some comfort in this now. But by the time she tries to get you back, you will be over her and will reject her, and she will feel sad, not you. This does happen alot, but really only if she thinks you got on with your life and are over her. No matter how sad you feel, she doesn't deserve to know that. She knowingly hurt you and you deserve better. 3. This is nothing but a golden opportunity for you. You were wasting time, energy and love on someone unworthy. Now you have the golden opportunity to meet someone worthy of you, an honest and loyal person, there are lots out there. Please please cut her off completely. It will be hard, but that's what she deserves, and in the long run it will make you feel the best, knowing you didn't give her the satisfaction of seeing how much she hurt you. Link to post Share on other sites
amerikajin Posted January 4, 2008 Share Posted January 4, 2008 Thank you everyone. I can assure you she is not going to hear from me. At the end of the day this just sucks. She wasn't upfront with me a month ago when she know what this trip was. Wether it is because of another guy, she wanted alone time, she doesn't like my snowboarding skills, whatever it was she should have told me back in Nov when she basically mislead me by staying she might go see her friend for a couple of days. She never mentioned going away for a week with 10 people to go boarding and party. I only found out she was going away because I asked. I told Monday that I thought she was a dick for not inviting me, for not telling me sooner that she was going away, and for not telling me any details of the trip. She doesn't need my approval to go away. But I feel when you are in a relationship with someone you out of respect discuss things like this. We had plans New Years eve night to go out and that didn't happen because we just would have fought all night. I have not heard from her since. I guess I will just wait and see what happens when she gets back. Andy, I may have missed something here but she *did* tell you that she was planning to go see her friend, right? Yes, I realize she said it was going to be for a "couple" of days during the first week of January but people often use the word "couple" interchangeably with "few" or "several" -- maybe she meant that she would be gone for the whole week and just thought you two had reached an understanding. As for the guys being there, does she know the guys? If I recall correctly, the guys and girls are all friends of her friend that she's going to see. Maybe she just went to visit her friend and maybe her friend invited some others along? I mean, I can definitely understand how you might be bummed for not being invited, but maybe she just didn't think it was a big deal. Poor judgment perhaps in not going into explicit detail about the trip, but maybe you're also being a bit insecure, too. I mean, I have gone places without my ex-girlfriends and I would have been annoyed if I felt like I had to report every little detail to my SO. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted January 4, 2008 Share Posted January 4, 2008 I'm going to give you this perspective. If someone doesn't want you to go on a trip, will they spend a lot of time chatting with you about the details of the trip? Link to post Share on other sites
tanbark813 Posted January 4, 2008 Share Posted January 4, 2008 I'm uncertain why this thread turned into a personal attack battleground when it's to the benefit of the OP, to hear as many differing points of view as possible. I didn't mean anything personal. I've been in a situation similar to Andy's and I was just expressing my opinion in an overly aggressive fashion. Link to post Share on other sites
Green Posted January 4, 2008 Share Posted January 4, 2008 I'm going to give you this perspective. If someone doesn't want you to go on a trip, will they spend a lot of time chatting with you about the details of the trip? Maybe if your still togather in the spring she can tell you about a cruise she took with out you whith her friends and some guys Link to post Share on other sites
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