Trialbyfire Posted January 4, 2008 Share Posted January 4, 2008 I dunno... Taking separate vacations is no big deal to me. Apparently it is for some people. So, once again, what's your deal-breaker AndyW? Link to post Share on other sites
Jilly Bean Posted January 4, 2008 Share Posted January 4, 2008 I didn't mean anything personal. I've been in a situation similar to Andy's and I was just expressing my opinion in an overly aggressive fashion. Looks like someone earned himself some new head gear. Me likey! Andy - what are you thinking to do now? Because as someone else pointed out, you can listen to all the advice you want until the cows come home. Ultimately, you have to live the life, and you need to decide if this is worth working out. Though I have to think if you didn't sense it was wrong, you wouldn't have come here to begin with... Link to post Share on other sites
tanbark813 Posted January 4, 2008 Share Posted January 4, 2008 Looks like someone earned himself some new head gear. Me likey! That's my usual avatar, I just had it changed for the holidays. Link to post Share on other sites
oppath Posted January 4, 2008 Share Posted January 4, 2008 I dunno... Taking separate vacations is no big deal to me. Apparently it is for some people. So, once again, what's your deal-breaker AndyW? Agree with this. If there aren't other warning signs, I doubt there are other guys in the picture. the deal breaker here is differences in expectations regarding things like vacations. I'm down for separate vacations, though it does sound like he didn't know the details early on, and yes, that would be disappointing. She made all the plans first and told him later. If she had told him the night she made the plans "I'm excited. My friend got a cabin and some of her friends and I will go skiing." Instead she made those plans and then later on said "oh, well, this is what I'm actually going to do." Link to post Share on other sites
Author AndyW Posted January 4, 2008 Author Share Posted January 4, 2008 I really don't know. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted January 4, 2008 Share Posted January 4, 2008 Agree with this. If there aren't other warning signs, I doubt there are other guys in the picture. the deal breaker here is differences in expectations regarding things like vacations. I'm down for separate vacations, though it does sound like he didn't know the details early on, and yes, that would be disappointing. She made all the plans first and told him later. If she had told him the night she made the plans "I'm excited. My friend got a cabin and some of her friends and I will go skiing." Instead she made those plans and then later on said "oh, well, this is what I'm actually going to do." Exactly oppath. Expectations and delivery of information. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted January 4, 2008 Share Posted January 4, 2008 I really don't know. Let me ask you this question. Can you live with sometimes having separate vacations, even including men in hers, with better delivery of information? Link to post Share on other sites
Author AndyW Posted January 4, 2008 Author Share Posted January 4, 2008 I think if it was delivered upfront and honestly i would have been okay with this. I think the fact that i was that last to know and I have to basically push to even find out what was going on was disappointing. Link to post Share on other sites
Author AndyW Posted January 4, 2008 Author Share Posted January 4, 2008 (edited) I can say if rolls were reversed she would not have been happy if i went away with some friends and five girls she didn't know in a cabin for a week of snowboarding and partying and didn't invite her. I can assure you that would be a problem. Edited January 4, 2008 by AndyW Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted January 4, 2008 Share Posted January 4, 2008 I think if it was delivered upfront and honestly i would have been okay with this. I think the fact that i was that last to know and I have to basically push to even find out what was going on was disappointing. Okay, then you've isolated your primary concern(s). Hopefully the two of you will have an adult pow-wow over the way it was handled. I can say if rolls were reversed she would not have been happy if i went away with some friends and five girls she didn't in a cabin and didn't invite her. I can assure you that would be a problem. Do you know this for certain? If not, you can always ask her. If you need proof, take a separate vacation yourself and see her reaction. I wouldn't recommend you handle this the same way as she did, particularly if you've had the pow-wow previously mentioned. I think you need to reread amerikajin's post about matching long-term interests. Don't get lost in the detail. Link to post Share on other sites
phoensam Posted January 4, 2008 Share Posted January 4, 2008 I can say if rolls were reversed she would not have been happy if i went away with some friends and five girls she didn't know in a cabin for a week of snowboarding and partying and didn't invite her. I can assure you that would be a problem. Of course it would be...and the fact she didn't tell you the truth about the holiday is very suspicious. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted January 4, 2008 Share Posted January 4, 2008 Don't get lost in the detail. Darn, didn't get a chance to edit this. Don't get lost in the detail of petty, hurt emotions, if a long-term relationship is your goal. Link to post Share on other sites
tanbark813 Posted January 4, 2008 Share Posted January 4, 2008 Yes, emotions have no business being involved in relationships. Link to post Share on other sites
Author AndyW Posted January 4, 2008 Author Share Posted January 4, 2008 I will just wait and see. I am already planning a Las Vegas Hard Rock weekend for April with some guy friends and a few dozen of there girlfriends. I will mention there are 9 girls while I am on the flight up. Link to post Share on other sites
oppath Posted January 4, 2008 Share Posted January 4, 2008 Darn, didn't get a chance to edit this. Don't get lost in the detail of petty, hurt emotions, if a long-term relationship is your goal. Meaning it's more important to be happy than to be right, so identify how what she did made you feel and specifically why, have a pow wow, and see what she has to say. I'm of the opinion that yes, you should listen to your gut, but your gut doesn't tell you what is going on, only that something is off. The worst case scenario -- another guy -- is not all that likely. What is most likely is that this just signifies a fundamental difference in expectations and how you communicate. You should be upset and disappointed, Andy, and it is a little shady. It is how she communicated it and the timeline that disappointed you most. That timeline is what bothers you about not being invited because it doesn't feel like she is transparent about this part of her life. That does not mean she is hiding anything, it just means she wasn't making it transparent. That alone is an issue. Link to post Share on other sites
oppath Posted January 4, 2008 Share Posted January 4, 2008 I will just wait and see. I am already planning a Las Vegas Hard Rock weekend for April with some guy friends and a few dozen of there girlfriends. I will mention there are 9 girls while I am on the flight up. And you will be sharing a hotel suite to save money Link to post Share on other sites
phoensam Posted January 4, 2008 Share Posted January 4, 2008 Yes, emotions have no business being involved in relationships. That's right...let her walk all over your emotions at the beginning in the hope that she will be so nice to you and keep you around and walk all over you forever...lol. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted January 4, 2008 Share Posted January 4, 2008 Meaning it's more important to be happy than to be right, so identify how what she did made you feel and specifically why, have a pow wow, and see what she has to say. I'm of the opinion that yes, you should listen to your gut, but your gut doesn't tell you what is going on, only that something is off. The worst case scenario -- another guy -- is not all that likely. What is most likely is that this just signifies a fundamental difference in expectations and how you communicate. You should be upset and disappointed, Andy, and it is a little shady. It is how she communicated it and the timeline that disappointed you most. That timeline is what bothers you about not being invited because it doesn't feel like she is transparent about this part of her life. That does not mean she is hiding anything, it just means she wasn't making it transparent. That alone is an issue. Exactly. As I've mentioned before AndyW. I've also been guilty of getting swamped in the petty emotions, when you're hurt and lashing out. Best to decide if this is how you want to handle it or not. Rise above it, AndyW. Link to post Share on other sites
tanbark813 Posted January 4, 2008 Share Posted January 4, 2008 The worst case scenario -- another guy -- is not all that likely. No offense to you, oppath, but this actually made me chuckle out loud. Link to post Share on other sites
phoensam Posted January 4, 2008 Share Posted January 4, 2008 (edited) I will just wait and see. I am already planning a Las Vegas Hard Rock weekend for April with some guy friends and a few dozen of there girlfriends. I will mention there are 9 girls while I am on the flight up. If you can afford it, and have the time, go on your own, go now...you will have fun, forget her for awhile, and may even meet someone else. It's like you've already resigned yourself to taking her back by talking about how you will be telling her about 9 girls from the plane in April. You may not even have that opportunity so don't get your hopes up...it may be she went on a holiday with just one guy, or one guy and his friends and she's planning to dump you when she returns. Keep your pride mate and dump her first! If it was truly a misunderstanding, then she'll be in touch apologising. Not only is the trip itself strange (committed people don't go on holidays with a group of singles of both sexes and leave their partner behind), but the fact she didn't properly tell you about it is the same as lying about it. In my opinion, she is likely hiding something from you...I wish I had something nicer to tell you. Edited January 4, 2008 by phoensam Link to post Share on other sites
oppath Posted January 4, 2008 Share Posted January 4, 2008 No offense to you, oppath, but this actually made me chuckle out loud. Considering when I thought there was another guy, there was? Haha. I don't think there is enough warning signs for that to be the most likely outcome, though it wouldn't surprise me. All in all, she has been emotionally present in the relationship and not distant except for this one issue. There doesn't appear to be a general distance or change in behavior, just one specific issue. To me that is the difference. A general change in behavior and distance = something big. One specific thing when everything else is normal and warm = ???. Nonetheless, when the guy says something is up, something is up, you just don't know what. I think it comes down to... who is this friend? Have you met this friend before? Does this friend know about you and your relationship? I think how she acts on her trip is telling too. Phones calls. Warmth. Affection. Missing you. If she is hooking up with other guys those things will not be present or they will only be half ass attempted. Be prepared for the worst, but don't conclude it prematurely. Link to post Share on other sites
phoensam Posted January 4, 2008 Share Posted January 4, 2008 who is this friend? . Affection. Missing you. If she is hooking up with other guys those things will not be present or they will only be half ass attempted. Not necessarily, lots of cheaters make very charming and regular phone calls to their partners. Do you really think people in healthy committed relationships don't invite their partners to singles weeks skiing? I'd never let a guy do that to me, and I'd never dream of doing it to someone I cared about. How do you even know for sure she is off with 10 people...didn't she originally tell you it was just her girlfriend? Dont' you find it strange she changed her story?? All the warning signs are there, please don't ignore them. Link to post Share on other sites
oppath Posted January 4, 2008 Share Posted January 4, 2008 He shouldn't ignore them, he should address them, but it's not a good idea to say "face it, it's over. She's cheating on you." Something is off and it's good to prepare yourself for a difficult conversation, and he should stand up for himself if he does not feel this is acceptable treatment. At the same time, I don't think it is a good idea to conclude the worst. It's a possibility. And it happens often enough that it would cross my mind, but it's poisson to conclude something before asking her the tough questions. He can't control what he does not know, all he can control is the questions he asks when she comes back. Link to post Share on other sites
tanbark813 Posted January 4, 2008 Share Posted January 4, 2008 If he really wants answers he should break into her email. Link to post Share on other sites
Jilly Bean Posted January 4, 2008 Share Posted January 4, 2008 If he really wants answers he should break into her email. Whoa! That's hardcore. Would you do that, TB? Er, or have you? Link to post Share on other sites
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