Girlfriend went snowboarding with a group of ten and didn't ask me to go

[Mary3]

Hey Andy,

 

I can so relate to you, however, I am the woman that allowed herself to be treated like crap. I did it for four years. On/off/on/off--9 break-ups, 9 dumpings, 1 broken engagement, 9 times moving in and out. So dude--I can relate.

 

My ex just wasn't that into me. Maybe he is confused, maybe he is just an *******, maybe he has commitment issues, maybe not, maybe he just couldn't make up his freaking mind. It doesn't matter. What matters is is that I allowed him to behave this way to me. Someone with high self esteem would have jumped ship the day the engagement was broken off. But noooo, I stuck around for three more years and 8 more dumpings.

 

He is an ass. I am pissed. Yours at least sent you a text message, mine just disappeared. Just stopped calling and answering my calls. Nice huh? After four years, 3 of them living together, I don't even get a courtesy call. Nothing. (And no, he is not dead or otherwise maimed unfortunately)

 

I guess what I am trying to get at is, some people are just broken. As much as we want to be the ones that they fix themselves for, they just can't or won't. They are just broken.

 

Revel in the fact that as low as you feel right now, and as bad as your self esteem is right now, you can feel. You can love. You will fix your low self-esteem, you will love again. One thing for sure, you will notice the red flags immediately and want no part of them or the person. Our ex's, whether or not they ever fix themselves, have not had the lesson and gift of loving someone and learning from that love. They have their empty souls, which they try and fill through other people, and it is never enough.

 

You will prosper, and become the man you always were. She is broken. Remember that.

 

OMG I love your post ! Live it Andy

[Mary3]

The part where poster says " You will notice the red flags immediately is SOO true *

 

I notice the guys who feed me the lines to try and get me into bed ( so old and so the same ...)

 

I notice the guys who have serious f** baggage . I notice it immediately. I RUN !

 

I notice the guys who always seem drunk ,or broke , or loser~ish. I notice it immediately !

 

THATS what you will take from this nightmare and create a NEW NORMAL life. You can post here until 2210 if you ( well you would be 200 years old , lol..) but you can post here forever if you have questions for us Andy

[amerikajin]

I notice the guys who always seem drunk ,or broke , or loser~ish. I notice it immediately !

 

Awwww, come on, man. I ain't that bad.

[Mary3]

Awwww, come on, man. I ain't that bad.

 

Okay being poor is okay with me as long as you are good in the bedroom lol

[AndyW]

Thanks everyone.

 

I do have a plan. It is a short term seven month plan that will get me to where I want to be and where I think I need to be to be okay with myself and to be a good catch for someone. I am not going to put myself back out there until I take care of some things that I should have a long time ago. I need to do some things for myself because I ignored myself for about 2 1/2 years. Part of the reason I am at where I am at is because I always put my partner ahead of me and that just doesn't make sense.

 

After all, 7 months will go damn fast.

 

I just went and worked out. Going to go get some dinner and study.

 

Have a good weekend everyone.

[sfsassy]

I have been following your story and wish you the best. I had an experience like yours. My ex called it off over the telephone, the day after Christmas with no warning. At 6 weeks I was basically drinking and not eating, which is so not like me, and didn't help matters. After drunk calling him on my birthday (yes, real smart!) I gavve myself a 5 month hiatus from booze. It did help. It took me awhile, but with time and a lot of self reflection (and reflection on him) I was able to see why we were so wrong for each oother and am now looking for someone who loves me for me. And now I think I rrock by just being me, and dn't need to be anyone else to please anyone.

[AndyW]

Thank you. I am sorry to here about what happened to you after Christmas and I am also glad to hear you are doing much better.

 

Last night was the first Friday in six weeks that I can remember. I am up at 6am and I feel much better. Going to the gym again . Drinking wasn't allowing me to deal. Plus everytime I drank I would call or email her like a jackass.

 

Thanks for the post. Gives me some hope that I am headed in the right direction. I am glad you are okay now.

[sfsassy]

That was years ago, but it took me awhile to get to where I am today. I felt really, really bertrayed. The other thing that was happening at the time was that it was raining constantly for a month, so I wasn't into going anywhere, and when I did I drank and talked about my ex incessantly. Now I wish hm well, but I think he doesn't know who he is and until he does, he will always be searching for "perfection" and never will find it, because everyone has flaws One good thing that came out of it, is I think it made me look for something different in men. I used to focus on smartness and humor. I still want that, but if someone is condescending, or overly critical of me or others, I havve no desire for them. I haven't found "the one" yet, but I've gotten closser.

[AndyW]

The only thing that makes me feel pretty good is she is going to do this to every guy she meets. Might take a year but it will happen. Like someone else said, "she is broken and needs help" NOT MY PROBLEM!

 

I am a very good guy and a very good catch. I am not perfect but from what I have seen is out there and what I see of my friends and all the guys I know, I am a catch. Someone will luck out because she didn't see it.

 

I am going to continue growing, advancing, and taking care of myself so that when I do meet that one person I am in great shape all the way around, Mentally, Physically, Financially, and Emotionally.

[tinktronik]

I don't really see what the big deal is . Where are you two in your R? If your just dating b/f g/f , why is it not okay for your GF to have her own interests and life away from you? If my s/o waned to take a trip with some friends and did not invite me I would assume he needed some time away from our R to be just himself , but then I trust him to a T. I don't see why not wanting me to tag along on every little thing is a negative. Sometimes I just want a break from him too, its healthy. But on the other hand you clearly don't trust your GF , so there you have your answer. Break up with her , but not b/c of her actions but b/c of yours.

[MsActual]

Andy,

 

If it's any consolation, you are not alone. I had almost exactly the same thing happen to me - only Feb, not Jan. The similarities are amazing - the sense of entitlement, the need to have "power over" you - the emotional withholding, the disrespect. You keep mentioning "Harvard grad". Do NOT be impressed. I'm sure if you had gone to Harvard, you would be King of the World. What is she doing that is so incredible? Looking for someone to serve her needs w/out question?

 

Mine is in San Diego right now - we've been "over" for 3 months - his declaration after taking a trip that he did not want me to be a part of. He's a Stanford grad. Well I don't know how much going to Stanford actually helped him - or Harvard helped her - they both are USERS. You were used because you CARED. You enjoy companionship and a sense of togetherness. She wanted to know she had you, with the freedom to do want she wanted when she wanted - you would have never felt fulfilled like that!

 

Another thing, be happy you COULD move out - mine declared it over and REFUSES to move. I have too much money tied up in the way of a deposit to bail on my lease - and am trying to tough it out.

 

So be happy - now you should be able to recognize someone who wants it to be all about them.

 

And it IS a big deal - someone who enjoys togetherness has no business being with someone who can abandon them so easily, as if they are a mere object.

 

Anyway, take heart - and if you're up to it check out the book, "The Five Love Languages". . .

 

M

[AndyW]

MsActual: thanks for your post!

 

The way she abandoned me so easily and quickly is what is really hard to handle. But she really doesn't understand the whole togetherness and loyalty thing. She never saw that growing up and she doesn't get it now.

 

 

On another note! My ex before her called me last night at 1:30am. She wants to see me. She basically contacted me off and on for the last 2 years. I never really had any contact with her in that time because my current ex was completely crazy/nuts about my ex contacting me so I respected her feeling. She is kind of a pain in the ass as well but she isn't mean. She is selfish and that was the biggest problem before when we were together. She is nice though. I don't know, I am bored out of my mind so maybe we can get together. She knows what is going on with me so I don't see what harm it can do to hang out with someone. Plus I would prefer to hang out with someone I know right now, instead of someone new.

[amerikajin]

MsActual: thanks for your post!

 

The way she abandoned me so easily and quickly is what is really hard to handle. But she really doesn't understand the whole togetherness and loyalty thing. She never saw that growing up and she doesn't get it now.

 

But she didn't abandon you quickly, Andy. She abandoned you along time ago and you know that; she just abandoned you for the last time when she officially called it quits with you. Don't confuse yourself here, Andy. She abandoned you a long time ago. In fact, I'm trying to figure out when she was ever with you, based on your comments. It seems like this was a relationship of convenience for both of you. It seems like she needed someone to call up, date, shack up with even if she never got any satisfaction out of being with you. It seems that you needed someone to call a girlfriend, and that somehow being with her boosted your ego enough to keep taking punishment from her. Something about her made you proud to call her your girlfriend -- so proud that you were willing to pay a high price out of your own self-esteem to keep this label.

 

On another note! My ex before her called me last night at 1:30am. She wants to see me. She basically contacted me off and on for the last 2 years. I never really had any contact with her in that time because my current ex was completely crazy/nuts about my ex contacting me so I respected her feeling. She is kind of a pain in the ass as well but she isn't mean. She is selfish and that was the biggest problem before when we were together. She is nice though. I don't know, I am bored out of my mind so maybe we can get together. She knows what is going on with me so I don't see what harm it can do to hang out with someone. Plus I would prefer to hang out with someone I know right now, instead of someone new.

 

Andy, I would be very careful here. Based on what you've told us in the past, you said that your last two exes treated you like garbage. I'm assuming this was one of the two, right? Why would you take her up on her offer? Frankly, I think she's an opportunist. Your immediate ex is out of the picture and it's perfect timing for this other girl. She knows your vulnerable. She's not considering your needs here, she's considering hers. I mean, do what you want, but don't come back here and say that you didn't see a train wreck coming if she ends up burning you.

[latefragment]

i totally get what you mean about wanting to hang out with someone you know. when i went through a tough depressive period recently over a break up, i felt like i did NOT want to be around any guys at all. could barely stand it.

 

then i called up an old ex of mine, from a few years ago. we'd stayed periodically in contact and he had contacted me recently. so we met up in his city, which is my hometown. we had the most wonderful evening together just snuggling, no kissing (i mean after our 'date'). it was so comforting, so familiar, and yet so wrong (i.e. i was reminded of exactly why we broke up in the first place). but it was like, all these other guys i had met, new guys, i wasn't interested in them , but what i longed for - was just being around someone who knew me well.

 

i have to say i survived the experience and am OK. we're not starting anything up, although we did see each other again 2 months later (distance is a factor). i'm not longing to start anything up with him (every time i see him, although the familiarity and old tenderness and affection is nice, i don't feel like i want to be with him or anything). so that's good.

 

just wanted to share. if you think you can keep a lid on your feelings by hanging out with your previous ex, go for it. in your case, since she is the one right before your ex (a real winner!) i would be cautious. for example, the ex that i met up with was from years ago, i'd dated many guys after him.

[sfsassy]

MsActual: thanks for your post!

 

 

 

 

On another note! My ex before her called me last night at 1:30am. She wants to see me. She basically contacted me off and on for the last 2 years. I never really had any contact with her in that time because my current ex was completely crazy/nuts about my ex contacting me so I respected her feeling. She is kind of a pain in the ass as well but she isn't mean. She is selfish and that was the biggest problem before when we were together. She is nice though. I don't know, I am bored out of my mind so maybe we can get together. She knows what is going on with me so I don't see what harm it can do to hang out with someone. Plus I would prefer to hang out with someone I know right now, instead of someone new.

Do you want to hang out with selfish people right now? I don't know what you had in mind, just hanging out, or............ but I think you should just focus on you and hang out with friends who definitely don't have an ulterior motive. You don't need selfish girl complicating matters. You need to work on youself, and even if you say nothing will happen, you can't be sure and it may be detrimental to your recovery.

[Mary3]

But she didn't abandon you quickly, Andy. She abandoned you along time ago and you know that; she just abandoned you for the last time when she officially called it quits with you. Don't confuse yourself here, Andy. She abandoned you a long time ago. In fact, I'm trying to figure out when she was ever with you, based on your comments. It seems like this was a relationship of convenience for both of you. It seems like she needed someone to call up, date, shack up with even if she never got any satisfaction out of being with you. It seems that you needed someone to call a girlfriend, and that somehow being with her boosted your ego enough to keep taking punishment from her. Something about her made you proud to call her your girlfriend -- so proud that you were willing to pay a high price out of your own self-esteem to keep this label.

 

 

 

Andy, I would be very careful here. Based on what you've told us in the past, you said that your last two exes treated you like garbage. I'm assuming this was one of the two, right? Why would you take her up on her offer? Frankly, I think she's an opportunist. Your immediate ex is out of the picture and it's perfect timing for this other girl. She knows your vulnerable. She's not considering your needs here, she's considering hers. I mean, do what you want, but don't come back here and say that you didn't see a train wreck coming if she ends up burning you.

Wow wow ! Andy Amerjikican ( spelling off I know ) is So Right !

 

I also seriously question seeing this other ex. I don't have the full story but for some reason the last 2 gfs beat you down because of a previous relationship 4 years ago where you dumped a girl and now feel guilty ? ( correct me if I am wrong )

 

The fact that this girl is paying you some attention and what the H** why not ?? Why not what ?? Go back for some more bad treatment ? You are NOT healed by any stretch of the immagination....You need lots of solitude and self actualization and THEN you go out with GOOD people.

 

What makes you think this former ex is going to treat you great ?

 

Who are you kidding ? Um not trying to be mean. Just using Tough Love. Where are all your friends for some advice ?? Talk to some buddies...or a female friend...and your therapist...and Us

[MsActual]

Andy,

 

Amerikjan, Mary3 & sfsassy are so right! Selfishness is your kryptonite, man! Rather than doing stuff to just pass the time, please do the things that are beneficial to you. That means things that strengthen you, not merely distract, or worse, set you back!

 

It's important to move through the plain to strength, not just fill the time. And be aware that these people are most toxic to us when we are vulnerable . . . if your situation coincides with some needs they have, they will USE you. Cry snot if you have to, run on the beach, work out for an extra hour, whatever - but please do right by you - think longterm, not for the moment.

 

I'm sorry if I am on a soapbox, but I know the devastation these people can cause when they roll over other people, and am alarmed that you would choose to hang out with another selfish person.

 

Find your Anger - right now you are still feeling hurt.

 

M

[Mary3]

Andy,

 

Amerikjan, Mary3 & sfsassy are so right! Selfishness is your kryptonite, man! Rather than doing stuff to just pass the time, please do the things that are beneficial to you. That means things that strengthen you, not merely distract, or worse, set you back!

 

It's important to move through the plain to strength, not just fill the time. And be aware that these people are most toxic to us when we are vulnerable . . . if your situation coincides with some needs they have, they will USE you. Cry snot if you have to, run on the beach, work out for an extra hour, whatever - but please do right by you - think longterm, not for the moment.

 

I'm sorry if I am on a soapbox, but I know the devastation these people can cause when they roll over other people, and am alarmed that you would choose to hang out with another selfish person.

 

Find your Anger - right now you are still feeling hurt.

 

M

 

Beautifully spoken !

I know you feel lonely but WORSE you are still extremely vulnerable thats why you DO NOT need to date anyone right now. I mean a casual friendly date like taking a girl bowling is fine , No alcohol ! Just take a nice girl out and learn how to * date * again

 

Avoid the BAD SHARKS like those two like the Plague !!

[hip chick]

I don't think that just because she ended the relationship with you, that means she will do it to the next guy. It just seems that you two weren't right for each other and she was figuring that out.

It always sucks for the dumpee, but that doesn't make the dumper broken in any way. When she finds the right guy for her, then she will definitely treat him differently.

I would just look at it as a period of your life which is over.

It's kind of immature to make her look like an evil witch who is "broken."

[sfsassy]

I don't think that just because she ended the relationship with you, that means she will do it to the next guy. It just seems that you two weren't right for each other and she was figuring that out.

It always sucks for the dumpee, but that doesn't make the dumper broken in any way. When she finds the right guy for her, then she will definitely treat him differently.

I would just look at it as a period of your life which is over.

It's kind of immature to make her look like an evil witch who is "broken."

 

I have had both types of dumps. Some where we just weren't right for each other and one where he turned into a complete a**. From everything I have read on Andy his is a latter. She broke up with another guy because she apparently wanted someone who would pamper her. She was forever belittling Andy, which to me makes it seem like she didn't value him at all. People like that don't change, they just get worse. It is in their vvery being.

 

Furthermore I don't think it is right for you to say to someone I assume is a stranger that their pain isn't valid. My ex and you would get along famously.

[hip chick]

Huh? I didn't say his pain wasn't valid. I just think that relationships often don't work out. This doesn't make the dumper evil. If Andy didn't like the treatment he was getting, he could have always left. There's always that option.

[amerikajin]

Huh? I didn't say his pain wasn't valid. I just think that relationships often don't work out. This doesn't make the dumper evil. If Andy didn't like the treatment he was getting, he could have always left. There's always that option.

 

I don't think he really believes she's "evil" though I think he resents how she made him feel. What you say is true: he could have left and there were indeed warning signs along the way, and I think he's acknowledged that. I think at this point he's just trying to work through all of this and maybe his writing is something that allows him to work through the pain.

[MsActual]

True, many relationships don't work out, and that alone doesn't make the dumper evil. However, we don't know who we are REALLY dealing with until we see how they solve problems. Being on the end of a string, being excluded (the ski trip), having information withheld so they can pursue other things, the disrespect and contempt, all certainly feel like you've been the recipient of "evil", and speaks volumes about the dumper.

 

I agree, leaving was an option, but intermingled with all the dysfunction were good times, and when a person is vulnerable, they cling and hope.

 

Hopefully he'll do what he has to do for himself to see how he contributed to his own demise. We can love someone all we want, but bad judgement & hope are a deadly mix. It's a hard lesson.

[AndyW]

I don't think she is evil because she dumped me. Nor do I post on here for any other reason then trying to make myself feel better and to deal with this stiuation the best I can.

 

If posting how I feel and exactly what happened make me immature then so be it. And for the record I don't think a 32 yr old woman dumping me via text after two years and shoving my clothes under my car, and not even giving me the common respect of a face to face or at least a phone call is normal breaking up procedure. To each there own. I don't think most people dump you then show up to the gym a week later and come right next to you on the treadmill unless there is something actually wrong with them.

 

I have said many times that I should have removed myself from this stiuation. But to be honest I didn't really see or realize how badly I was being treated until I was out of the stiuation. I know things weren't right. I know she was being mean and disrespectful to me. But at times she was also nice to me and loving. Every night when we went to bed she would ask me to hold her hand and tell her a story in a joking way. She always gave me a kiss and told me she loved me. Clearly I cared a lot about her or this would be no big deal. We had three awesome dogs. We had fun on are trips together I thought. We enjoyed doing things together I thought. We had a great sex life I thought. We had sex everyday that week she left me. So clearly she was just using me since she was so unhappy. I did and went more places with her in two years then I did in my entire life with anyone. We laughed a lot and enjoyed each others company I thought. We went places and did things and she would tell me she was happy. Then all of a sudden she wasn't happy. Then she was happy, the she wasn't happy. Nothing in the relationship changed to bring on these changes that she was showing. You don't try to figure out what you want and who you are when you are in a relationship. I assumed (incorrectly) that at age 32 she know what she wanted. If I wasn't it then fine. She didn't need to use me and treat me so badly just because I wouldn't leave. It is almost like she had to make me out to be this horrible guy and say all those horrible things about me over and over again to justfy leaving me. None of the things she said about me are true. She just wasn't happy with me which hurts. If you don't know what you want you probably should be single until you decide so you don't screw with another persons life. Don't say you want to spend your life with someone if you don't. You don't plan trips a year in advance if you don't plan on being with them tomorrow. Don't plan Christmas with your Family in March if you doubts about who you are with. Clearly she wasn't always mean or I would have never been in this stiuation. She was back and forth. She could be sweet and loving and then a second later be mean as hell. For the first 6 months she was amazing and now I can only equate that to the fact she was getting out of a ten year relationship so she was being nice because she was hurting and needy and what a perfect guy I am when you are hurting and needy.

 

Around the 6 month mark is when the real side came out. It would come out here and there. She would be nice to me for a few days then not nice to me. It all depended on her mood. I wasn't doing anything different on the nice days compared to the not nice days. It had nothing to do with me.

 

She isn't a happy person so I was an easy target. I was there, she know she had the power, and she know I would never leave her no matter what she did. What is hard for me to deal with is if she didn't leave me I would have probably never left. She took full advantage of that and abused the power in every possible way because she know she could. She comsumed everything I had to offer without hestation. Now I take ownership of letting that happen but I still am very resentful as well. Taking ownership hasn't allowed me to stop being angry yet. She was a user, much like my ex before her. But the difference is my ex before at least was nice. She wasn't mean and abusive. She didn't make me feel like a ****ing ant.

 

Like someone said, I had hope things would change and I used very bad judgement. I was only kidding myself.

 

She know I was not going anywhere so she did whatever she felt and she didn't really love me so even if I left (which we both know I wouldn't) she didn't really care. I know now that she had no intentions of marrying me or spending her life with me.

 

I have no doubt she found someone else and that is the only reason she let me go. Otherwise she would have held on to me until she found her next man. Just like when she left her husband for me. This is a pattern and I see that now. Just like her husband was fat, not good at anything, not a provider, I was the same thing two years later. The disrespect she showed for him was the same disrespect she should me. The same exact things were said. Btw they weren't true about her husband and they weren't true about me.

 

I don't think she is evil because she dumped me. I think she is a bad person for using me, being abusive, vindictive, mean, cold, callous, and disrespectful to the one person that was there for her and supported her and actually wanted good things for her.

 

I told her at least 6 times in the past year she needed therapy and the response wasn't very nice at all. I have no doubt she will continue the pattern because she will never get help. It is sad but she will end up just like her mom. Miserable and depressed at age 55, married to some guy she hates because he provides for her. And no one will ever be good enough.

 

I post because this board and therapy are what are getting me by. I post because in all my rambling messages that I write I am just hurting. This is hard and I am lonely and I am hurt. But I am trying to do something about it. I go to therapy five times a week. I would go seven if I could. These six weeks have been horrible.

 

The truth is I spent two years with someone that didn't really love me or care about me. She told me she did. She acted at times like she did. She planned things in the future like she did. The truth is I gave all of myself, EVERYTHING. The truth is I was used, abused, and discarded. The TRUTH is this was OWN MY fault. These are hard things to except first off. Then trying to fix them so it doesn't happen again is even harder.

 

I don't think she is evil. I just think she needs help and not because she didn't want to be with me. But to be honest it is not even about her anymore!

[AndyW]

I went out last night which was okay. I didn't drink at all which is good and actually much better for me. A couple of girls that were friends of the people I was with told me how cute I am. They also said I had great shoulders and a great body . Maybe cause all I do is work and work out now. They were both joking around telling everyone I was there new boyfriend. Honestly I am numb right now so it didn't feel like much. One girl was getting touchy and honestly it just felt wierd. I felt like I was six years old and girls are yucky. I feel so weird right now. Just awkard and uncomfortable around women period. It is really not a good feeling. I know it will pass. It is clear to me that I am a long ways from being able to even think about going on a date or anything like that. It wouldn't be fair to someone else the way I feel still. I guess I am just trying to rush this because this is really not much fun but I guess time is necessary to heal and get over my ex. I honestly just want to forget about all of this.

 

My friends are all like you should enjoy this time but most my friends and most guys are a little different then me. Most my friends would have been out dating and screwing anything that moves the minute there relationships end. Most of them do that and they are in relationships. I get no pleasure out of that. It does nothing for me. I want something real and special. I am like a girl I guess. To be honest I don't even really want to date. I am a mess.

 

Sometimes I wish I was more like my friends. Sometimes it seems like being cold and callous and not giving a damn is an easier way to live. I don't know why I care so much. All my friends just want to hook up with as many females as they can, all my married friends are totally miserable, I am the one who wants to get married and settle down and have a family.

 

 

My "ex ex" keeps calling. She wanted to come over last night. She is pushing pretty hard and your points are taken amerikajin. I know she doesn't have my interests in mind because she is another treat that only is worried about herself.

 

My "ex ex" just emailed me and invited me to game 3 of Lakers vs. Boston. She got tickets thru her work. I am a huge Lakers fan, huge.