Green Posted January 3, 2008 Share Posted January 3, 2008 Relationships that have lasted over a year don't usualy end all of a sudden. Its like when you want to tip over a vending machine you have to rock it back and forth a little first. This is her rocking the it back and forth. Her friend definetly asked her are you inviting Andy or what ever, I wonder how she responded "Nah I don't even feel like telling him about it". Personaly I think its a cold feeling how this all went down. I wouldn't enjoy this I'd probably just end this if you have the strength. Link to post Share on other sites
Vertex Posted January 3, 2008 Share Posted January 3, 2008 I agree with KMT. This is an example of a red flag. When a relationship ends, it does not happen all of a sudden. There will be signs that indicate that certain feelings of affection or other aspects of the relationship are slowly disappearing that used to be present. Sometimes such an aspect is distancing. People in healthy relationships don't keep information like this from each other for such a long time. She clearly did not tell you that there were many people going -- she told you it was just a friend, and only told you last minute there were multiple people going just for the sake of "being truthful" even if it was by earlier omission. As a result, I think we can all agree she did not want you coming. To me, that's an example of superfluous distancing, and it's a red flag. However, to be fair, it is possible that she just did not wish to impose by bringing someone along who wasn't invited directly. However, she could have easily asked her friend. She wasn't hesitant about bringing along the dogs, at the very least. Regardless, it's still a fishy situation. She is more concerned about defending her decision NOT to invite you as opposed to reassuring you with a more valid reason and/or trying to get you invited. To me, that's a problem. Don't just to conclusions *just* yet, but this is definitely a warning sign. If this sort of attitude continues in her, then it's time to reconsider the relationship's dynamics here. Link to post Share on other sites
Jilly Bean Posted January 3, 2008 Share Posted January 3, 2008 I dunno, Andy. If I am living with a guy and then I decide to take a trip without him and bring my dogs and make no mention of my plans or what not, either there is another guy, or she is starting to shop for one. Please don't be deluded that this is just her being inconsiderate. It's a very loud message, IMO... Link to post Share on other sites
tanbark813 Posted January 3, 2008 Share Posted January 3, 2008 Enough with the over-analysis. The OP--and a few others--are grasping for whatever straws would "prove" that this situation was innocent. Occam's razor would argue otherwise. Andy: Obviously she didn't want you there. The only other question is, why? Quit being a moron. Link to post Share on other sites
Vertex Posted January 3, 2008 Share Posted January 3, 2008 I'd also like to point out something tanbark just mentioned. Usually, when it comes to relationships, if you're a decently smart guy, your intuition is usually right. Simplest explanation is best. Long-winded excuses are bullcrap. Short story: Something's up -- definitely ask her what it is. Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted January 3, 2008 Share Posted January 3, 2008 My guess is that one of the group of 10 is a guy she's interested in. I'm with Tan.. She didn't want you there because you would cramp her style with the guy she is getting ready to toy with. Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted January 3, 2008 Share Posted January 3, 2008 or one of the group of 10 is a guy that she used to bang before you and she still has it for him or she didn't want you to know or meet a guy she used to bang. Regardless.. She didn't want you there.. and most likely because of another guy... think about it Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted January 3, 2008 Share Posted January 3, 2008 One thing no one mentioned, do the both of you snowboard at the same level? I don't snowboard but I do ski. In all honesty, it can be a pain to wait for someone, who has difficulty keeping up. Also, if the group wants to party hard and you don't enjoy partying, it's possible this could also be the reason. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 3, 2008 Share Posted January 3, 2008 There's one thing left for you to do....Break up with her. Do it before she breaks up with you, or cheats on you. She isn't worthy of your time, seriously.. Link to post Share on other sites
CD111 Posted January 3, 2008 Share Posted January 3, 2008 Well Andy, you are probably not going to like my opinion. Prior, I also have to add that you know your girlfriend better then any of us. But, personally I would totally do what she did and not think twice about it. I would also be pretty pissed if my bf got all upset about it because he should know me better then that. I dated a guy that was sort of insecure, sounds like you are a bit also. Maybe you don't like some of her friends that are going, maybe you wouldn't approve of some of the things they would do...as friends. Drinking, smoking pot...I definitely don't mean have wild and crazy sex between any of them. All I know is my most recent bf, would definitely not fit in with some of my riding friends, at all. Which would have meant I would be stuck having to "behave" myself and try to make sure he was having a good time also. Let alone the fact that I his riding wasn't that strong and I truly wouldn't want to spend 10 days on the intermediate runs with my bf, while my friends were tearing it up in the backcountry. So, if a bunch of riding friends were going up and it was going to be a drunken throw down of a week, with plently of beligerence and anebriated antics. I probably wouldn't invite my previous bf either and he would sit at home freaking out about the whole ordeal just like you are right now. If she is honest, truthful and loyal you don't have anything to worry about so quit stressing and go hangout with your friends and enjoy your alone time. If her faith to you is questionable, then you may have a reason to stress. Who knows maybe she has never been able to really be herself around you because you would judge her or her friends. So some questions for you maybe. Are you ok with her past. Does she have a wild side, wilder then you. Would you not approve of some of the things she calls fun? Do her riding friends party alot more then you personally do? Link to post Share on other sites
Author AndyW Posted January 3, 2008 Author Share Posted January 3, 2008 She is better at snowboarding then me but I can keep up. I also ski very well. I like to party way to much to be honest. Link to post Share on other sites
Vertex Posted January 3, 2008 Share Posted January 3, 2008 I don't usually like jumping to the conclusion that it's "another guy" -- I've seen many many many situations where the intent has nothing to do with another dude, but rather just an excuse to get some distance and do something without the significant other, especially if AndyW and his girl do everything together. AndyW would know better in terms of whether or not this is a distancing issue or if there's another dude involved based on her personality and past, but eh. Something's still not right with this one. Link to post Share on other sites
CD111 Posted January 3, 2008 Share Posted January 3, 2008 damn, trial-by-fire...great minds think alike Link to post Share on other sites
CD111 Posted January 3, 2008 Share Posted January 3, 2008 Oh please don't decide to dump her before she gets back. TALK about jumping to conclusions. Link to post Share on other sites
Author AndyW Posted January 3, 2008 Author Share Posted January 3, 2008 Honestly vertex there is nothing I don't approve of except cheating. She can smoke pot, drink, do whatever. I am not square at all. I like to drink and rage as well. I have been hanging with my friends and drinking and doing my own thing. I am I stressed out a bit, yes. I think how she handled the whole stiuation makes it look shady. I am not going to sit here and say she is cheating her this horrible person for going out of town with out me. I think she is extremely selfish and she worries about herself. Maybe she didn't want to have to worry about entertaining me or having me around since I wouldn't have known anyone. Link to post Share on other sites
Author AndyW Posted January 3, 2008 Author Share Posted January 3, 2008 I am not dumping anyone over this. I told her Monday I would see her when she got back. I am not going to call her or text her and give her ****. We can talk when she gets back. Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted January 3, 2008 Share Posted January 3, 2008 I once took a GF to a friends B-day party and an old GF was there also ( She was the sister of the friend whose party I was at ).. I spent most of the evening feeling very uncomfortable.. As my then current GF did not know of the previous history with this girl.. It wasn't fair to either women.. but it happened and it wasn't my doing.. So it could be an old BF being there and she didn't want to feel uncomfortable having 2 guys she slept with in the same room together. If that is it it still is pretty bad...considering that she hid it all.. if that is what it is .. Link to post Share on other sites
Author AndyW Posted January 3, 2008 Author Share Posted January 3, 2008 I believe she is looking for distance. She needs more space then I do and I honestly don't believe she is cheating. She is a strong, independent woman, and I am almost positive she would dump my ass if she had interest or was into another guy. Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted January 3, 2008 Share Posted January 3, 2008 I believe she is looking for distance. She needs more space then I do and I honestly don't believe she is cheating. She is a strong, independent woman, and I am almost positive she would dump my ass if she had interest or was into another guy. Link to post Share on other sites
Author AndyW Posted January 3, 2008 Author Share Posted January 3, 2008 That is what makes it weird. Why not say a month ago what was really going on. Let me say how I feel and then come to some understanding. Instead I feel I like she made it seem like she was just visiting a friend which is fine. Then she didn't say another word until 5 or 6 days before and that is only because I asked her. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted January 3, 2008 Share Posted January 3, 2008 damn, trial-by-fire...great minds think alike Agreed. I also agree that Andy would be jumping to conclusions, if he dumped her. I would go on a trip without my SO. I've done it many a time. Sometimes you just need your downtime. As long as when she returns, she does show that she misses you and wants to spend time with you, I don't necessarily think, anything is going on. Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted January 3, 2008 Share Posted January 3, 2008 That is what makes it weird. Why not say a month ago what was really going on. Let me say how I feel and then come to some understanding. Instead I feel I like she made it seem like she was just visiting a friend which is fine. Then she didn't say another word until 5 or 6 days before and that is only because I asked her. Either way you cut it.. She doesn't want to be around you and she is acting dodgy..those are not good signs... It may be nothing.. but it also may be bad...I guess you need to just hash it out and watch her actions for a while.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author AndyW Posted January 3, 2008 Author Share Posted January 3, 2008 I agree. This whole thing just should have gone done in a different way. If you need space plan a girls weekend and go away or girls trip or whatever. Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted January 3, 2008 Share Posted January 3, 2008 I would go on a trip without my SO. I've done it many a time. Do you tell him your are going and tell him whats up ?.. See.. that is what people do... The OP I am 32 and so is my girlfriend. We have been together a year and a half. She mentioned a month ago that she might go see a friend for a few days around new years. Didn't think much of it. About 6 days ago I said are you going away and she says yes, I am going to be gone all week. She had already taken the time off and never mentioned anything to me. I said that seems like a long time. I said where are you saying. She said her friend rented a cabin and ten of them were going. This bothered me. I think she is a dick for not inviting me. It is one thing to go away for a few days with a girlfriend but another to go away with a group of 10 and not included me. Made me feel kind of like crap. She clearly didn't want me there. What are everyone's thoughts on this? If rolls were reversed I clearly would ask her to go and want her there. Link to post Share on other sites
Vertex Posted January 3, 2008 Share Posted January 3, 2008 (edited) That is what I was trying to get at earlier but I didn't really explain myself too well -- she probably knew long ago that it was a group trip because recently she said "she told you before" -- so she's known for a while now that there's a group trip she didn't want you going to. Have there been other warning signs in the past month or so? If she's been after distance then there should be other signs of it within the interim of being invited and actually going on the trip. If there are no such signs, then I'd start wondering about the other-guy theory. She said she didn't know anyone except the friend. So really, that doesn't put you in a much different spot than her with respect to the people going, sans the friend, and so it's a pretty weak excuse and/or a lie, which would lead me to believe that there's someone else there she knows about but doesn't want you meeting. Personally, from my experience with solid relationships, if someone wants space, they just say they want a trip by themselves -- nothing personal, as long as both people understand that sometimes people need their space and like doing things with friends without the worries of having a significant other there and all the bells and whistles that come with such situations. But art critic is right -- she's acting dodgy about it and THAT'S the real issue here. Edited January 3, 2008 by Vertex Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts