Wife left any success stories?

[br0ken_w0lf]

You know Flea the more and more I think about it I'm not sure if I could take her back--- like you said, she has put some serious water under my bridge and I wouldn't know how to structure our marriage after this episode. I have had a few people (my therapist is one) told me it's a big possibility she could be bi-polar with all the symtoms I have told her about my wife. I do think sometimes that I'm looking for an excuse TOO take her back, like a medical condition. SH**T ---I just re-read this post and realized I'm trying make escuses for her. Medical, Mental, infidelity, or whatever, your right I just need to haul ass with my hair on fire past this marriage so it can be over. Monday is a big day for me. Fighting her on my RO that she put on me and every bit of it is a blaten lie. Then if I played my cards right she should get served for the divorce around V-day!!!!

 

Hey man, I've recently come to the same conclusion myself (though to be honest, I never know if it's a permanent conclusion)... Thought about how our marriage would be after she'd been living with someone else for several months. And - and I just can't see it. For me anyway, I'd constantly be questioning both myself and her internally until it would probably drive me insane. I also made excuses in my initial post which I see now (I did contribute somewhat to my situation but I wasn't the one who walked away from it). Glad to see you're feeling better. I didn't start making any progress at all until I came here. Take care!

[Alpine123]

Wolf--I did not want to file a divorce, I told myself that she would be the one to put the sword in my back. I forced myself to stay sane fearing I would hurt myself or others because of my pain. Deep down I know I have not done anything wrong in this marriage and THAT my friend is all I have right now. Finding out she's already out doing what she does best has put me way over the edge and to the point where I need to be the one who finally ends this or I will be the one dwelling on this till eternity. I come here for re-assurance and self-help and these hidden people hiding behind avatars have revealed that I am the better human, man, lover, husband, boyfriend, friend, co-worker, etc... you get my point. I still see a therapist, take medication to sleep, and drink good wine every night to help the medication, and occasionally put holes in my heavy bag, just now it's not my walls and now this only hits me the last part of my day instead of all day. God speed!!

[sandflea]

OP - Just know that women hurt, too. We are on this board and we do feel the hurt and pain of lost love. But be known, that there are good women as there are good men. You just have to be patient and sift through all the duds.

 

Yes - this is true. Beautiful, loving, honest, warm - etc. The world is a big place, and one bad experience should not keep you from loving. Gibran says it best. (http://www.wikilivres.info/wiki/index.php/Love)

 

Those times - those wonderful, warm times - are down the road. Right now, unfortuately, is wake up time. Time to rise up, and shine (with apologies to Tom Petty).

 

SF

[Gunny376]

Get off the sleep meds~ go down to WalMart ~ to the vitiamin and herbal section ~ bottom shelf ~ look for some 5mg Melotonnin.

 

Completely naturual, over the counter, non-prescription. Cost about $7 to $8 a bottle. The bottle says take one ~ I take two. (6'1 200#lbs) ~ you can even have a couple of drinks with it!

 

Its the natural substance your body produces to regualate your biological clock. In about twenty mintues you'll start yawning, your eyes will start tearing etc. (You'll get sleepy)

 

It will quite your mind and your thoughts.

 

Pilots that fly the "red-eye" from coast to coast use it.

 

While at "China-Mart" have them cut out some black clothe sheets and stample them over your windows, (It'll look like crap ~ but the intent it to keep the natural sunlight out!) and pick up a "sound-machine" that makes sounds like its raining, a rumbling brook, ocean waves" Pick up a some good pillows, and a good thick comforter (down if your not allergic) and a good thick mattress topper ~ a couple of fans to surround your bed with.

 

You want to "light proof" and "sound proof" your bedroon ~ no tv! No stereo! No radio

 

Trust me? I've got eighteen years perfecting this ~ working all three shifts! I Go to bed. its just "Sassey" (my Dauschund) and I!

 

On that note? You might want to get yourself a dog ~ I recommend a Dauschund ~ they're the clowns of the dog-family. I come home "Sassey is always glad to see me ~ greet me, makes me laugh! Runs wild around the place when I get home! Always wants to play ~ always picks me up when I'm down!

 

With this combination ~ you'll get all "Yada~yada!"

Edited February 7, 2008 by Gunny376

[Trimmer]

Asked him why he never returned my calls on the matter of him taking my wife away for the weekend--he told me that it was none of my business and the conversation was pretty much ended. I was apauled at him but kept my cool about all.

Good for you for keeping it cool - you don't need anything she could possibly throw at you relative to the restraining order BS...

 

There aren't any success stories at least none to shake a stick at.

Yes, I believe there are:

I was a very strong, succesful man before her and need to find him again!

Alpine - that will be your success story, when you find that guy, and reestablish yourself back in his life and his body again.

 

Somehow, I hadn't seen your thread until tonight, but all the while as I read down through it, I was thinking what others have already said: the success story probably isn't going to be what you originally thought.

 

My success story is found further down the road you are just now entering - it's been a while now, but it's been steadily getting better, and now I feel like I'm back, it's "me" again, and I do, very seriously, consider it a success story.

 

Thanks sandflea--I read that post and the NC thing I feel IS very important but on the same token is VERY hard to do. I never got a reason why she left. I haven't spoken or seen her for over 7 weeks, (besides my text last weekend that I was filing monday) and it just sucks not knowing why!! I'm getting to the point that I don't want to know but it's been a very rough road. I would just like to hear it from her.

You will reach a point where it doesn't matter to you any more. It's one of the good "tipping points" along the way. One of mine was when I realized that I had transitioned from (a) willing to do anything to get her back to (b) realizing that I probably wouldn't take her back if she did want to. That was a big one, and a very positive step, in retrospect. Another was realizing that I didn't need to know "why" any more, I didn't need to "hear it from her", that not knowing wasn't such a big deal any more, because it really didn't matter to me: I had turned myself and my life forward, and all that stuff was just looking back.

 

Look for these types of turning points and recognize them for the forward steps that they are. Another BIG one is your initiating the divorce. I know you said you initially thought she should do it, but by doing it yourself, you are taking the steering wheel, and taking control. I don't even mean that in a "so you can stick it to her" kind of way (you may also eventually become indifferent to this as well) but in the sense of taking positive and firm control of your own life and charting your own course.

 

In a wierd way, I almost envy you. I know that sounds really twisted, and I certainly would never wish upon you the pain and loss that I have felt - and that I know you are feeling, too - but I have been on an incredible journey over the past couple of years - finding my way not only "back to myself," but back to an even better version of myself, in so many ways. And I wish for you all the beneficial experiences and outcomes of such a journey.

 

My journey was begun in pain and anguish, but it has been remarkable, awful, joyus, painful, humorous, insightful, and anything else you can throw in from the spice rack. Sitting here, on the other side, I wouldn't trade away any of those feelings or experiences - even the hard ones - and I don't know any other way such an intense thing could have happened, except from such an initially devastating loss. (Actually, my only wistful regret is that it could not have been somehow catalyzed within our marriage, so that we might have taken the journey together, but she took herself out of that role early on and quite decisively, as your wife has, so no looking back...)

 

So grab the steering wheel, push on the gas pedal, and move into your new, improved future.

 

And it is in that future, in that vision of yourself as a renewed, whole, confident individual, forward on the road you are now steering yourself down, where I know you will craft your success story.

Edited February 7, 2008 by Trimmer

[Alpine123]

Wow!------That hurt or felt good, one of the two. That was a good post trimmer. Some how you hit me where I haven't looked. My success could be within me and trust me I search everyday for that funny, happy guy everyone loved to roll with. I sold a snowmobile I bought my wife tonight--I figured it's money I'll need to pay my attorney for all this. Then went to my therapist after getting a call to meet my attorney friday before the RO hearing on monday. I have this weekend to get through and of course Monday. Yes Gunny I'm heading to Wal-Mart. My attorney told me that he hasn't heard from any part of her side in the summons to appear so she might not even show. My therapist talked to me about staying in control if she shows and being calm. Flea gave some good advice I will use as well. Trimmer you hit me hard with your post tonight ---I'm seeing what your saying. I 'm in the car --cars running--now drop the clutch!

[sandflea]

It's an opportunity to grow, to start over, learn from this, and rise up. Before you get jaded and rut bound, take this chance to re-align. Firm up, chin up, open your eyes and make this about YOU.

 

I remember raging, screaming, dying. I ran my best marathon time that fall. I fell about my music. I bought tons of artwork, stuff for the place. I fixed it up, put in new windows. Ran my feet to nubs, read ten books twice and in general - got my yog on. I was freaking ON TIME>

 

In a way, it's a GREAT feeling. You no longer need to worry about the relationship, the consequences of it, and the drama.

 

Once the spring hits, snow is melting - nature surges back.. So do you, my man!

 

Glad you're feeling better. It will continue to get better. Stay strong.

 

SF

[Gunny376]

It's an opportunity to grow, to start over, learn from this, and rise up. Before you get jaded and rut bound, take this chance to re-align. Firm up, chin up, open your eyes and make this about YOU.

 

I remember raging, screaming, dying. I ran my best marathon time that fall. I fell about my music. I bought tons of artwork, stuff for the place. I fixed it up, put in new windows. Ran my feet to nubs, read ten books twice and in general - got my yog on. I was freaking ON TIME>

 

In a way, it's a GREAT feeling. You no longer need to worry about the relationship, the consequences of it, and the drama.

 

Once the spring hits, snow is melting - nature surges back.. So do you, my man!

 

Glad you're feeling better. It will continue to get better. Stay strong.

 

SF

 

 

Its called "falling back into your Life!"

 

What YOU are ~ and WHO you are!

[june-bug]

Just to throw my two cents in... I left my relationship and there was no other guy and actually wanted time to assess my relationship without being mired in it. you know the whole "mountain is clearer from the plain" business. I had a male friend who I leaned on quite alot who was going through his own relation-**** and my ex assumed we were dating, even though we've been friends for years. wrong. you know, every now and then people are actually being honest and not manipulating people they care about. needing sapce does NOT ALWAYS mean "i'm outta here, and i need to let you down easy".

 

nor does it mean there is someone else.

 

I want to reconcile after leaving and now my ex is dating and wanting "time to work things out for himself". translation "i'm outta here and i want to let you down easy"? perhaps. but i'm proof that it's not always the case.

[Trimmer]

Just to throw my two cents in... I left my relationship and there was no other guy and actually wanted time to assess my relationship without being mired in it. you know the whole "mountain is clearer from the plain" business. I had a male friend who I leaned on quite alot who was going through his own relation-**** and my ex assumed we were dating, even though we've been friends for years. wrong. you know, every now and then people are actually being honest and not manipulating people they care about. needing sapce does NOT ALWAYS mean "i'm outta here, and i need to let you down easy".

 

nor does it mean there is someone else.

I agree with one of your points, and that is: it doesn't matter what she's doing, and agonizing over whether she is with someone else is not well spent energy.

 

On the other hand, you said it yourself: "I left my relationship..." You left.

 

There's a difference between Alpine's wife leaving, with no other explanation other than "space", and your ex talking about wanting to "work things out for himself" after you left, and then decided to reconcile.

 

Also, I put a higher standard on a marriage than what I assume in your case was a non-married relationship. According to the OP, she walked out without even trying to work on things or give him any insight into what was going on, she flat out refused to interact with him, she went with another man on a weekend getaway...

 

You know, I was reading a medical article on gestational birth defects, and for particularly bad conditions, they have a phrase: "this condition is incompatible with life," which is just the medically sterile way of saying, we don't see any chance of it surviving.

 

If you are married, and are considering staying that way, you give your spouse some consideration, some recognition that walking out will cause great pain. If you have to get away or work on things, at least include your spouse in the process in some way, attempt to make some kind of explanation, whatever, but don't exclude him or her completely.

 

I maintain that if she had any significant intention to really spend some quiet alone time applying thoughtful introspection to "assess" her marriage, to see the "mountain clearer from the plain," that any well intentioned attempt along these lines would include consideration of preserving the marriage first. And not in a "I want to play the field and mess around and then still have you to fall back on if I decide to later." If you want to stay married to me - even if you need to have some distance for rejeuvination and/or introspection - you need to continue treat the marriage with some kind of honor, your behavior needs to remain consistent with being married.

 

Walking out without warning or explanation, moving all her things out of the marital home, going on a weekend with another man (who then arrogantly claims it is 'none of your business' to her husband) - these behaviors are "incompatible with marriage."

 

She may not be completely sure what she is doing herself, she may want to keep the marriage as a fallback plan, but in the words you used to describe what you did, she has "left the relationship." Can you interpret her behavior any other way?

 

I want to reconcile after leaving and now my ex is dating and wanting "time to work things out for himself". translation "i'm outta here and i want to let you down easy"? perhaps. but i'm proof that it's not always the case.

More likely translation: You left, I worked on moving on and started to envision my life without you, and now you want to come back? I need to think about whether you fit the vision of my life any more.

Edited February 8, 2008 by Trimmer

[sandflea]

Right on Trimmer, right on. In the event someone leaves, it's so very hard to go back. The damage has been done. That's why, when someone is lamenting the fact that his or her wife or husband just walked out on them, and they tell me that that want this person back more than anything, I say - "No, you don't".

 

Sure, you might think you do. I'm sure even in June-Bug's case, she thinks she does - but she really doesn't. It's over. They both know it.

 

Hearts are very VERY strong - but in this case, you gotta use your head. I don't mean to say that sometimes things don't work out. But the odds are, if you have an affair, or you bail, or you are abusive, etc - it's over.

 

Not necessarily a bad thing, mind you. Some people just aren't meant for each other. And there are MILLIONS of others out there.

 

What it takes is courage. To stay in, and work at it, and bleed for your love together, or to leave, and leave it all behind, and face your future alone (for a while). Either way, it takes tons of courage and heart.

 

"Life is mostly froth and bubble, but two things stand like stone; kindness in another's trouble, and courage in your own".

 

SF

[Trimmer]

In fairness, I went and read june-bug's other thread, and she is married, but it sounds like she was more considerate and collaborative with her husband in her initial attempt to get some distance, and seemed to have demonstrated to him that she was holding the marriage in a place of respect.

 

I want to avoid taking this thread off-topic toward june-bug's specific situation, and how it later developed, as we can comment on her situation in her thread, but I wanted to correct some of my comments above, and I missed the "edit" window.

 

However, I stand by my general comments about the need to treat a marriage with some respect and honor if you feel a need to separate to assess the relationship. I see a significant difference between what june-bug described that she initiated, and what the OP is describing he experienced: walking out in a vacuum, flat out refusing contact, moving your stuff out, and spending weekends away with someone of the opposite sex...

Edited February 8, 2008 by Trimmer

[sandflea]

In fairness, I went and read june-bug's other thread, and she is married, but it sounds like she was more considerate and collaborative with her husband in her initial attempt to get some distance.

 

I want to avoid taking this thread off-topic toward june-bug's specific situation, and how it later developed, as we can comment on her situation in her thread, but I wanted to correct some of my comments above, and I missed the "edit" window.

 

However, I stand by my general comments about the need to treat a marriage with some respect and honor if you feel a need to separate to assess the relationship. I see a significant difference between what june-bug described that she initiated, and what the OP is describing he experienced: walking out in a vacuum, flat out refusing contact, moving your stuff out, and spending weekends away with someone of the opposite sex...

 

Fair enough. Noted. Alpine is in a very different situation. A terrible one..

[Alpine123]

I think Trimmer said it best. If she would of just briefly explained to me that she needed some time and held the respect of our marriage I feel I would of been more respectful in her decision and gave her what she needed. As long as I knew WHAT was happening I actually know I would of been more suseptive to her needs.

I know her work has been slow and she was a little lathargic before she left but in that time I als was asking her if and how I could help. Hell I even started doing the grocery shopping, and other misc household chores after work to lighten her load.

Edited February 8, 2008 by Alpine123

[mental_traveller]

Alpine - my man, you AMAZE ME! I cannot think of a more appropriate valentine for this woman than being served divorce papers! You could even include some cheap flowers - so first, she thinks you're begging her back.

 

Lord (wipes tear from eye...). Boys - I think he's got it! This is fantastic~!!!

 

Divorce papers on Valentine's day is pure genius. Alpine, you simply HAVE to do this! Imagine being out drinking beers with the guys, and being able to tell them you did this - you'd be a hero to every divorced man in town!

[sadhubby]

that would be awsome i actually had my wife sighn her divorce papers on christmas day when she finaly regrets it all, she will remeber it for the rest of her life on christmas day !! and yours will on valentines that might almost be better .

[Alpine123]

Didn't get to the RO hearing Monday due to her lawyer calling mine and asking for more time. Still haven't heard from the lawyer from either side. This stuff is really starting to just make me angry. I figured I might get a rise out of her when my attorney told her that we were filing for a divorce but nothing. I just can't come to grips with why people up and leave after a relationship that was so good. I'm not just saying that either. Family, friends etc... have commented on our love for eachother repeatedly. May be I'm just a blind jack a** but I can honestly say that I didn't see anything that would deter her from our marriage. My counselor told me to check out this web site called divorcebusting.com and totally threw me for a loop. Now I have it stuck in my head again that I should pay the 300 bucks and work on getting my wife back. I still ask how in the hell is that possible when I have a RO on me plus I haven't spoke to her in 7weeks? I go back and forth daily on this whole situation. This has been one of the hardest things I have ever had to deal with.

[Trimmer]

Didn't get to the RO hearing Monday due to her lawyer calling mine and asking for more time.

Wait a minute: she files for an RO, sets a hearing time, and then they ask you for more time so they can prepare their case? WTF?!?!?!?! What if you'd said "we respectfully decline; we'll be at the hearing as planned..." Something seems wierd about that, but maybe I just don't get it.

 

Maybe they don't have enough evidence to support the RO, and they are stalling, hoping that in time, you'll do something stupid they can point to... What is your lawyer's take on this, and why did he grant them the extra time? I sure hope his client's best interest comes before "professional courtesy" to the other attorney...

[Alpine123]

You just answered the question--Professional courtesy. My attorney knows this lady (her attorney) and said this is what they do. I agreed but he did tell her to lift the RO because we are filing and that they have no grounds against it and that I've been in contact with her. I mean your probably right Trimm, but I just listened to him and thought what he said was a good plan or idea.

[Trimmer]

Well, as long as he is using his professional courtesy to your advantage - maybe he did a back-room trade with her.... "I won't drag you down to the scheduled hearing unprepared and make you look dumb, if you realize that this RO is groundless, and get your client to withdraw her petition..." Then maybe he is working in your best interest by settling things down - which could also pay off later in the divorce proceedings.

 

I sure hope it's something like that, though.

[Alpine123]

He feels that by doing what we did she will lift the RO and basically settle out of court and then move into divorce stuff. As I think about what you said Trimm ---you might of been right. May be I should of just demanded the hearing and she would of been caught off guard ---possibly.

[sandflea]

Sounds like it. Good attny.

 

You sound very different than a week ago Alpine - good show. This is a mitigated disagreement. Your lawyer sounds very politic. That's what a good lawyer does. Don't miss the opportunity to approach your ex, come to terms, and shed the legal team. If you guys have essentially agreed to terms, get the law birds out of the equation as quick as you can. You both will save thousands, and could (wayyyy down the road) enjoy the irony.

 

If she's at the table and you guys can handle this, get it on paper.

 

SF

[Trimmer]

He feels that by doing what we did she will lift the RO and basically settle out of court and then move into divorce stuff. As I think about what you said Trimm ---you might of been right. May be I should of just demanded the hearing and she would of been caught off guard ---possibly.

Yeah, but I have to imagine, like sandflea says above, that it will be to your long term advantage to have things more calm. If she turns out to withdraw, that would be to everyone's advantage, and possibly set the stage for a more amicable divorce process...

 

Don't miss the opportunity to approach your ex, come to terms, and shed the legal team. If you guys have essentially agreed to terms, get the law birds out of the equation as quick as you can. You both will save thousands, and could (wayyyy down the road) enjoy the irony.

Just make sure, as long as the RO is still even possibly in play that you don't do ANYTHING she could use against you - I don't know a lot about this stuff, but you wouldn't want to give her any ammunition to revive it if she's still considering it...

[Alpine123]

I'm not sure I could even look at this woman , let alone try and discuss the terms of a divorce. I know she's financially screwed right now because she sent me an e-mail last week telling me so. Work cut back hours, loosing their bonus incentive etc.... She had it pretty good at home---dumba**! So I figure if she does try and keep the RO in play I will drag this out through attorneys untill she falls off the edge. If the RO gets lifted I don't think I have the strength to deal with her in person about the divorce. I have to tell you this ---her attny did tell mine that the main reason for the RO was the Tracking device I put in her car. WTF!!! Helllloooo is that all you got!! What about tracking your car to some other guys house for the weekend!!

[smileysmile]

My counselor told me to check out this web site called divorcebusting.com and totally threw me for a loop. Now I have it stuck in my head again that I should pay the 300 bucks and work on getting my wife back

 

Are you thinking of this?

 

I have been on DB. Are we mad to try and get our wives back?

I think I am wasting my time now. I need to get a life. Stop thinking what my ex is doing. She is nasty and veru angry with me. Controlling over my daughter. I have to keep to a rota devised around her and her routine with D. I think I am being walked over now. Yet she won't D me.

Told me she doesn't qualify for legal aid as she earns to much.

But she says it is only £300 and that I can pay it or at the least pay £200 and she will pay £100. She doesn't seem in a rush to do it seeing as she can keep her train travel pass. Would seem odd if we were divorced. Shes not stupid. I feel like giving her the whole money. She has changed big time I can tell you. I am sick of it

 

What does RO mean?