so_sad Posted January 3, 2008 Share Posted January 3, 2008 I have always prided myself on being independent, but this breakup has done a number on me. I have come to realize that I derived a fair part of my self-worth from the fact that there was someone who loved me and wanted to be with me. I have had a boyfriend/fiance for virtually all of my adult life and now I find myself 35 and single, feeling totally unloveable and unworthy. I know objectively that I am the same person, but knowing that he doesn't want to be with me makes me feel like no one ever will. On top of that, my life is in total upheaval - I am hoping for a transfer to work in another city, and in the meantime I'm living at my parents since my ex is still at "our" house. What could be less attractive than a dumped 35 year old living with her parents? Not only have l lost him, but I feel like I'm losing hope that I will have a great relationship and a family some day. Oh, today is a low day... Link to post Share on other sites
Confused9 Posted January 3, 2008 Share Posted January 3, 2008 so sad, I totally understand where you are coming from. BUT, I know from reading your post how I must sound to others and so I am going to give you the advice they give me and in doing so...hope I take my own advice. So...this relationship didn't work out...it wasn't meant to be...now it's time to move on and love ourselves. It's not easy to move on, but we need to do it. I have never really been happy with myself or loved myself and me fiance loved me so I always thought that was enough, however, I know realize that I need to love myself whole heartedly before someone else can do so. I also need to treat myself better. I can't rely on my ex who is no longer part of my life to show me love and I shouldn't I need to love myself. No one can make us happy except for ourselves. The other people in our lives who make us happy are just bonuses. You feel me? You will get through this. Someone else will love you. You deserve love...we all do. This didn't work out becasue it wasn't meant to. Now it's time to sit back and discover who you are. Being in a relationship throughout your 35 years of life has probably not given you time to get to know who you are as a person. I know that I was with my x since I was 19 and I am now 26 I am VERY different from teh person I was when we first got together and I am sure I will learn a lot about myself. I am living wihtout a man in my own apt and I am lonely...but I am hoping that will subside and I will get through. I think you will too. sorry if I am rambling. This break up has caused me to lack sleep big time. Good luck and happy new year! Link to post Share on other sites
Author so_sad Posted January 3, 2008 Author Share Posted January 3, 2008 Thanks, Confused. And no, you weren't rambling. I know you are right about everything, but there is always a difference between knowing something objectively and truly believing it, you know? My brain knows that I'm not an unloveable loser but my heart doesn't (sorry, that sounds so cheesy but it's the best way to describe it). I actually read one of your other posts where you said that you couldn't handle it if your ex broke up with you because he fell out of love with you. That's how I feel. I know it would be terrible to be left for someone else, but knowing that my fiance left because he preferred to be alone is pretty harsh, too. I know it's so pathetic, but I spent New Years Eve with a bunch of friends in great relationships and it just made me feel like, "why doesn't anyone love me?". Sad, I know. Link to post Share on other sites
Confused9 Posted January 3, 2008 Share Posted January 3, 2008 Girl, you are signing my song or however you say it. That's how I feel. Why can't anyone love me...but you know what...someone did and someone will again. Not right now, but someday. And perhaps it will be better than ever, you know? It's hard to be in my shoes but it's easy for me to look on the outside of your problems which are pretty similiar and see the bright side. So...keep that chin up! I don't think my fiance fell out of love with me. If he did...I don't think he would be doing this crazy myspace thing. I think he made a mistake and got stuck because she got preggo. OR...his guilt is too hard for him to handle because he knows my history. He moved 1,000 of miles away and doesn't talk to anyone from our old life. Now, that makes me believe he isn't happy with what he's done. I believe one day he will try and come back. I think he is starting to crack right now. We'll see...I am not holding on for that moment, but I wish for it. I know it will never be the same, but that doesn't matter to me. I would take one more night with him...just knowing it was the last time...to enjoy him while I could. I know that would bring me back to step one but...since we broke up while he was away for work I never knew any of our lasts were our lasts...that sucks big balls. Chin up! We can do this. We are STRONG! Link to post Share on other sites
Author so_sad Posted January 3, 2008 Author Share Posted January 3, 2008 I agree; I think your ex's myspace quotes are directed at you. It reminds me of my ex repeatedly telling me that he thinks he did the right thing by breaking up with me...it's like, who are you trying to convince - me or you? When people are happy they move on in a dignified way (i.e. without posting about it online). I didn't see my breakup coming either (he did it the moment I got back from a week away), and I never knew that any of our "lasts" would be our lasts. It sucks, but I think it would suck even more to know at the time that it was your last dinner together, last kiss, last night together. I don't think I'd be able to handle that. Anyway, thanks for your encouragement and keep your chin up too! Link to post Share on other sites
brothermartin Posted January 3, 2008 Share Posted January 3, 2008 What could be less attractive than a dumped 35 year old living with her parents? A dumped 39 year old with a dead-end job. I know, it never really helps to tell someone there is always somebody that has it worse than you, but it may help you to put things into perspective. Link to post Share on other sites
Author so_sad Posted January 3, 2008 Author Share Posted January 3, 2008 What could be less attractive than a dumped 35 year old living with her parents? A dumped 39 year old with a dead-end job. I know, it never really helps to tell someone there is always somebody that has it worse than you, but it may help you to put things into perspective. Thanks, brothermartin. Your post made me laugh, and for that I thank you. I don't know though - dead end job vs living with parents? Let's say we're even. Link to post Share on other sites
Confused9 Posted January 3, 2008 Share Posted January 3, 2008 I agree; I think your ex's myspace quotes are directed at you. It reminds me of my ex repeatedly telling me that he thinks he did the right thing by breaking up with me...it's like, who are you trying to convince - me or you? When people are happy they move on in a dignified way (i.e. without posting about it online). I didn't see my breakup coming either (he did it the moment I got back from a week away), and I never knew that any of our "lasts" would be our lasts. It sucks, but I think it would suck even more to know at the time that it was your last dinner together, last kiss, last night together. I don't think I'd be able to handle that. Anyway, thanks for your encouragement and keep your chin up too! How are we going to get through this sosad? How? How can someone one day love us and then just turn that off? See I was doing so good...now I sit here in tears needing answers! I need to know how he turned it off. Then maybe I could. I can't effing sleep. I can't eat. I can't stop feeling like sh*t. Now he has her arms to make him feel better at night. He has her to help him through. He has a new life a new love a whole new effing state to live in. I am here reminded of everything that used to be. He loved me or I thought he did. Now he just sits on his myspace typing things to piss me off and hurt me more? I mean...why? Why continue to hurt me? That is just awful! I can't do this anymore. I need him to stop. I guess I need to stop looking at it too but...i am looking for some sign that he is sorry and misses me. I want him to miss me! Link to post Share on other sites
D-Lish Posted January 3, 2008 Share Posted January 3, 2008 I was exactly where you are now 4 years ago. Loss of a marriage, moved home with ma and pa, had to leave a master's program to find work to support myself... felt like the unluckiest person on earth who would never find love again. The most important thing for you to do right now is to begin the process of pulling your life together. That includes getting back on your feet financially, and emotionally. You're not ready to date when you don't value yourself. You can change all of this though~ that's the good part. This time of transition is a time to make positive changes, set goals, meet those goals, and slowly begin to feel better about yourself through your accomplishments and progress. It's very important to start setting goals right away- no matter how small. I felt blah about my appearance- so I hit the gym and lost 40 pounds, I ran into an old friend who was experiencing the same thing, and we began to heal one another through our friendship. I started a business and moved out of my parents place.... and yes- I dated, and still date. Through those means, I did begin to feel better, and I no longer feel unworthy. It doesn't happen overnight, but it happens if you make it happen. You can sit back and let it ruin you- or you can be proactive and set goals. What really kicked me in the a** was seeing my 45 year old cousin whose husband left her 15 years ago...she was/is still living at home, has never dated, she rarely speaks, and never smiles. This was a girl who was popular, vibrant, beautiful, independant and incredibly happy as a young woman. I vowed that I would never become her- mostly because I know I can control a great deal of my destiny. She's chosen that pathetic and lonley life.... I don't choose it, and you don't have to either. It starts with a kick in the a**~ consider this your kick. lol. 35 is young. I am the same age... and I can tell you that it gets better if you help it along. Link to post Share on other sites
SYRACUSE03 Posted January 3, 2008 Share Posted January 3, 2008 Hopefully all of us thirty somethings get out of this funk. Hey at least you have a family to fall back on. Be thankful that you didn't have to stare at 4 walls in an empty house. It's not pleasant, trust me Personally, I'm not looking forward to dating in my thirties. I'm tired of the game of cat and mouse. Not that 30's is old but I did that in my 20's and now it's much harder. Good luck and I wish you well. Things will work out for all of us. Do whatever you can do that is in your control to better yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
BrianG Posted January 3, 2008 Share Posted January 3, 2008 Hopefully all of us thirty somethings get out of this funk. Hey at least you have a family to fall back on. Be thankful that you didn't have to stare at 4 walls in an empty house. It's not pleasant, trust me Personally, I'm not looking forward to dating in my thirties. I'm tired of the game of cat and mouse. Not that 30's is old but I did that in my 20's and now it's much harder. Good luck and I wish you well. Things will work out for all of us. Do whatever you can do that is in your control to better yourself. Syracuse, I am in the same boat. Not looking forward to dating, let alone dating in my thirties and I am scared for the first time in my life because I have not dated in over 5 years and dont know where to begin. Alot of these threads say to start casually dating and I wonder how they started so quickly. I have not even been attracted to any female since I have been single. She was everything I ever wanted and an intelligent, very attractive person and any girl i see it seems like it would be a step down. It's encouraging to me when you say that 30's is not old because over the holiday season I saw so many of my cousins/friends relatives in the 25 age range getting engaged or already married, etc. I was so depressed and felt like a loser for being 30 and single. I can only hope that one day we all find the person that truly loves us. Link to post Share on other sites
Green Posted January 3, 2008 Share Posted January 3, 2008 Syracuse, I am in the same boat. Not looking forward to dating, let alone dating in my thirties and I am scared for the first time in my life because I have not dated in over 5 years and dont know where to begin. Alot of these threads say to start casually dating and I wonder how they started so quickly. I have not even been attracted to any female since I have been single. She was everything I ever wanted and an intelligent, very attractive person and any girl i see it seems like it would be a step down. It's encouraging to me when you say that 30's is not old because over the holiday season I saw so many of my cousins/friends relatives in the 25 age range getting engaged or already married, etc. I was so depressed and felt like a loser for being 30 and single. I can only hope that one day we all find the person that truly loves us. You need to start finding women atractive again, STEP1... report back for step 2 Link to post Share on other sites
PinkRibbon Posted January 3, 2008 Share Posted January 3, 2008 Can I join the 30 something and single again club? I have been apart from my ex for 3 months now and I have been on 1 date and did not really enjoy it. I made myself go. I don't think I am ready because my husband is still the cutest thing for me. I don't really even look at other men right now. So the thought of dating in my 30's bites. And not knocking on the men in this board but most guys I have met or talked to want someone in their 20's. Why? My husband left for a younger woman and I am not even oldl. Imagine how that makes you feel. Link to post Share on other sites
sedgwick Posted January 3, 2008 Share Posted January 3, 2008 I'm 36, dumped six months ago, and can't even fathom dating, let alone trusting, another man ever again. I've just decided to enjoy being single. Ran off and traveled alone for a bit and am planning to do it again. Taking dance, yoga, and gymnastics classes. Writing a book. I've decided to try my best to focus on those things instead of him. Link to post Share on other sites
Green Posted January 3, 2008 Share Posted January 3, 2008 Can I join the 30 something and single again club? I have been apart from my ex for 3 months now and I have been on 1 date and did not really enjoy it. I made myself go. I don't think I am ready because my husband is still the cutest thing for me. I don't really even look at other men right now. So the thought of dating in my 30's bites. And not knocking on the men in this board but most guys I have met or talked to want someone in their 20's. Why? My husband left for a younger woman and I am not even oldl. Imagine how that makes you feel. its as simple as wanting to be with an attractive women Link to post Share on other sites
SYRACUSE03 Posted January 3, 2008 Share Posted January 3, 2008 We all need to look towards the future. We will all recover and be happy again. Like most people here, we're hurting now but day by day it will get better. Things are not the greatest for me but what else can I do? I have two choices. 1. Reflect on the past and keep beating myself up or 2. Be thankful for what was brought into my life, learn from it and apply it in the future. Not saying it's easy, but I choose #2. Remember, someone always has it worse than you or I. Link to post Share on other sites
Author so_sad Posted January 4, 2008 Author Share Posted January 4, 2008 Wow...seriously, you guys are all great. D-lish, Syracuse, BrianG, and PinkRibbon: I sympathize with so many of the things some of you said about not finding other people attractive and not being able to imagine dating again. I still have huge feelings for my ex and find it hard to imagine that I will ever be that attracted to and comfortable with someone else. And the thought of dating until I meet that person...blech. Like Segwick, the biggest hurdle for me will be to trust someone again. After what my ex did, I don't know how I will ever feel secure in a relationship again...that's the scariest part of all. However, I guess there's no choice if we do want to find love again. I'm trying to be optimistic...the other day in the store a very handsome older man gave me a real once-over, and for a split-second I actually thought "hey, maybe being single will be...fun". Of course, I felt miserable later on that day as I spent new year's eve with a bunch of blissful couples, but I'll take the good moments as they come. D-lish: thanks for the kick in a$$ (and the cautionary tale about your cousin). I know objectively that 35 is not old...it's just that I feel like I'm about a hundred these days. Among many other things, breaking up is exhausting. Confused - you hit the nail on the head when you said you don't understand how they could love us one day and not the next. I think about this all the time and I truly don't understand it. The thing is, I don't think they do stop caring all of a sudden. Like I said before, if your ex was really happy, he wouldn't be posting all this crap on his myspace page about how the future will be so great. I'm sorry you feel he's hurting you. If you can, stop looking at his page. I blocked my ex from facebook because it was driving me insane (literally). Link to post Share on other sites
SYRACUSE03 Posted January 4, 2008 Share Posted January 4, 2008 so_sad... There are going to be tough days ahead but here is just some food for thought... When I got divorced 5 years ago, I was down and out, miserable. Then I met my ex g/f and she gave me 4 1/2 years of joy. Yes it sucks that she is gone but at least I was able to experience love and a great relationship. If it was strong enough, we would still be together. I find many women attractive but there is always something much more attractive when you can't have it...just ask anyone here. You can put a supermodel (male or female) next to your ex and you'll pick the ex. We are just programmed to do that. It will get better. Link to post Share on other sites
Confused9 Posted January 4, 2008 Share Posted January 4, 2008 thanks sosad. I don't think he's happy either, I think he regrets his decision...some disagree, but...I can't see spending all that time changing your qoute if you are happy and not trying to talk yourself in to something. Especially since I am not posting anything that will get him mad. Who knows though? Keep that chin up! We'll get through this!!! We ALL will. I am 26 but can I be apart of the 30's club anyway? An honorary member maybe? Link to post Share on other sites
Author so_sad Posted January 4, 2008 Author Share Posted January 4, 2008 I am 26 but can I be apart of the 30's club anyway? An honorary member maybe? Absolutely. Not only that but I nominate you to be Social Secretary. Link to post Share on other sites
BrianG Posted January 4, 2008 Share Posted January 4, 2008 (edited) sure join the club, we need as many members as we can. thanks Syracuse. I like the analogy of the supermodel and the ex because your right, I would always pick the ex. I know we are all capable of loving again, its just a matter of time and making sure are heart is open. Afterall, love is a chance we all took and we risked having our heart broken. One day we all have to be willing to take that risk again sooner or later and I believe it is worth it. The pain I feel is temporary but that love and things I learned from it are forever. Its better to have loved and lost then to have never loved at all. One day hopefully we will take that chance again, but with different results and that will be love we all deserve. Edited January 4, 2008 by BrianG Link to post Share on other sites
Confused9 Posted January 4, 2008 Share Posted January 4, 2008 haha. social secretary!! : ) Thanks everyone!!! Link to post Share on other sites
SYRACUSE03 Posted January 5, 2008 Share Posted January 5, 2008 I can't allow a 26 year old to be in the club....unless.... You bring some single 20 somethings with you. You can then be our Recruitment Officer. Link to post Share on other sites
D-Lish Posted January 5, 2008 Share Posted January 5, 2008 I can't allow a 26 year old to be in the club....unless.... You bring some single 20 somethings with you. You can then be our Recruitment Officer. Single 20 somethings? I'll throw in a big COUG "woo-hoo" on that one. Link to post Share on other sites
Confused9 Posted January 5, 2008 Share Posted January 5, 2008 Ok...fine - I'll bring some friends. They can't find love first though! haha Link to post Share on other sites
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