Please help, pregnancy problems

[Matt McDurfee]

Please help with your opinion. My name is Matt, i am a 33 year old 2nd generation Irish male in Tucson, AZ. Recently my 7 month pregnant girlfriend decided to break up with me. It totally devistated my world. I'll give you a little background info. We will call my girlfriend Kila, that is her nickname. She is 21 y/o, 1/2 black and 1/2 indian. She is beautiful, my whole world. I love her so much. A little more background; When i met Kila, she was living with her best friend (She is totally straight). We all lived in a 5 bedroom home in Tucson. Me and Kila shared a bedroom, The roomate had a bedroom, there was a bedroom set up for the new baby, a bed room for the roomates child and Kila's little girl, and 1 guest room.

 

We have dated for around a year and a half. After about 10 months of dating she approached me about having a child. I told her i didnt want to have a child because i allready had 2 (Brittany 13, Zachary 9) and i was affraid because i didnt want to have another child where the mom and dad were not together. She swore to me that she loved me with all her heart and wanted to be with me for the rest of her life. After about a month i finally agreed to have a baby with her.

 

When she found out she was pregnant, she was so happy. I was even happier, i prayed to god that night and thanked him for the second chance he had given me, not only a beautiful girlfriend which i planned on marrying but, a child who life i could share with her and watch grow in a happy household. We got along beautifully, we never fought only joked and played. We allways went out, we were best friends. Around 2 months pregnant, one night, she told me she didn't want to be in a relationship no more. A Couple of days later she said she was sorry, and everything returned to normal. Around 5 months it happened again, just out of the blue. She didn't want to be in a relationship, just alone. I assured her it was probabily hormones and by that afternoon everything was ok. Everything went back to normal, we went out, kissed, slept together, made love on a normal basis. She was my princess.

 

Now here comes the tricky part. One day she told me she was bi-sexual. At first i didnt know what to say. She told me that as long as she was with me she would never need to be with another woman. Around 5 and 1/2 months pregnant she started hanging around with this lesbian who work at Albertsons. At first it really bothered me, but i did not want to seem jelous or controling, so i kept my mouth shut. They started hanging out continuously, to the point she had no time for me. So, i told her of my concern, and she assured me i had nothing to worry about.

 

Now, she is 7 months pregnant and on May 17th she told me she was going to burn me. Me, as allways made a joke out of it. I said oh yeah, you got some gas under the bed or something. She said no, i am going to break up with you. I said what do you mean, we are great together and the baby is going to be born in 2 months. She said she eventually gets tired of all her relationships and breaks them off (Which is not true). By the end of the night, she had her mind made up. For the next 13 days i tried to convince her, this was wrong. It didn't matter. She said we could be friends and continue to live together. Well, i agreed and tried.

 

She, hung around everyone but me. Especially the lesbian from Albertsons. Each day she tried to make it harder for me to live there. I could not understand it, all i showed her was love (Unconditional), faithfulness, i treated her daughter like she was my own. I paid big $$ to get us into the house we were in and for over a year i didnt spend any money on myself, just on household items like a Washer, Dryer, microwave, Computer for her to take her college courses on, entertainment center, bedding, a stereo for her, a guitar for her, I even made sure Kila's and the roomates little girls, had a Christmas when their mothers could not afford one. She didnt care about any of the things we had been through, didnt want to work things out, said she just wanted to be alone. I still 2 days later took her to a resort for mothers day, thinking she might change her mind and see what she was doing. One of her friends even called her and told her that she would never find someone who would love her as much as i did, she didnt care.

 

On the last day i lived in the house with her, before moving out, the lesbian decided to come over and hang out (and stay the night). Well it was supposed to be all 3 girls there, and i was not worried with the straight roomate there. Well a couple of hours into the night, the straight roomate had to go bail an exboyfriend out of jail. So, now it was just the 2 of them in the roomates bedroom by themselves. Well, i freaked. I had to keep sneeking into the backyard to look through the miniblind to see if there was anything going on. Of course, there was not and i finally fell asleep around 3am. When i woke the next morning i asked her to come talk with me. She told me she would speak with me as soon as her company had left that morning. Well, her company did not leave untill 1pm in the afternoon. I was so upset with her. Was she choosing her over me? I need to know, So i questioned her. Another piece of information about the lesbian from Albertsons, She would never look me in the eyes. I was raised, if someone will not look you in the eyes, they are hiding something.

 

Kila and i argued that afternoon and i told her she was being sad and pathetic. She told me she did not care. I told her she did not deserve me, she said i was probabilly right. She told me she didn't need anyone to survive, and i told her, that's funny, the government gives you WIC, food stamps, pays for your child care, and pays your schooling, so i would say you need someone to survive. She said at least i don't need you. Then she said, if you want to be friends, either you need to move out or i do. Of course i said, i would. What kind of man would send the mother to be of his baby out on the street, i do still love her with all my heart.

 

Well i moved out and we agreed not to talk for 2 weeks. Well, i had to call her, i had things i needed from the house. i allways talked sweet. By the third call, she was telling me she would never have anything to do with me again, because i could not give her space. Finally we agreed to give each other 3 weeks apart. Well, her mother called me to see how i was doing. I told her of the breakup, and she decided to fly down from California to talk to her, using the baby's birthday as an excuse. When her mom got here, she called me and asked me to go to lunch. What was i supposed to say? So, of course i went to lunch. During lunch, Kila text messaged my Cellphone with an aweful message, saying to come get all my **** out of the house now! So, i called her back, breaking the 3 week deal. I said to her why are you being so mean, all i am doing is having lunch with your mom. She said, i told you i did not want you to associate with my mom. God, as my witness, if she did say that, i never heard that. Besides, her mom is my son to be's grandmother. So, now she is really pissed at me. While at lunch her mom was telling me, i was too good for her, and i should find someone else. I told her i did not want to, i loved her daughter and we were supposed to be a family, i thought it was hormones making her act this way from the pregnancy. She told me it was my decision, but said i was too good for her and she was spoiled.

 

Well a few days later, i felt bad for her, so i brought her some money ($50), because when i had dropped her mom back off i saw she had no food in the house (She needs to eat, she is pregnant). She acted like the money was no big deal and pretty much ignored me. I had to ask her 3 times if she wanted me to leave, before she said, yes. I asked her if i could say good bye to my son, and she said no, she did not want me to touch her. I asked her, why do you hate me so much? She said she did not. She said, she just didnt like me right now. I said, can't we just be friends for the sake of our unborn son, and she said, no i just don't care anymore. I asked her if she ever talked to our son, and she said, no, that she did not talk to him, because she did not care. I said to her, why would you do this to someone, who would do anything for you? She said, i was like eating the same food each day. Eventually you get tire of it, you dont want to see it, smell it, or taste it. I told her, yeah but if you stay away from it long enough, you get a craving for it. She didn't like my answer too much.

 

I asked her if she and the lesbian chick from Albertsons were now girlfriends, and she said no, but she never told me she was not bi-sexual. She said she would not ruin thier friendship by messing around with her. She told me i had been smothering her. I said how come you have never told me this before. She said, i should not have to. I said to her, if you don't communicate how can someone know there is a problem. i told her she was not being fair. I then said, if you don't know the rules of the game, how can you play? Was i playing a game i could not win? She then said if you would do anything for me, then dont call or talk to me untill the baby is born. I said fine, but i hope you know how much i am doing for you. I told her as i was leaving, that i was here for her. If she needed anything just to call me, and i left.

 

I have since talked to her brother, and he tells me the lesbian is over there everyday, and they are planning on moving her in as the new roomate next month. He said kila, goes to bed by herself each night. I hope he is right. I would still take her back, and i hope after the baby is born, she will come back to her senses and we can be a family again. Right now all i want is to be able to touch her stomach and feel my son kick and talk to him. I have participated with everything throughout the pregnancy. I have been a good partner/good mate.

 

If you have any experiences with pregnancy or have a girlfriend that has kicked you out while she was pregnant, please share your stories with me. I am devistated and i only moved here 2 years ago, and have no friends here. I made her my best friend and did not bother making any outside friends, now i am screwed. Please respond both men and women with experience in this matter. Please...

 

Matthew

[NEONINK]

Oh... Man... Wow...

 

I'm so sorry. I've heard of this, I've even seen it happen.

 

A guy I know got into the same situation that you are in. His g/f pretty much used him for a sperm donation. He's a great guy. I'm not saying she isn't, but.... Her and her girlfriend have been raising the child for over 14 years now.

 

Now, the good news. He probably didn't really want a child yet in his life, just like you. He remarried a ABSOLUTELY GORGEOUS lady! They've been happily married for more than 8 years. They are the cutest couple I have ever seen.

 

Get out, secure your legal rights. I think this girl used you to prevent herself from paying sperm donor fees... Then, what can you do? I don't know if the guy I told you about see's the child. At one time he wanted to, but I don't know. He and his wife never had children, but they are so special to one another, children would probably just get in their way.

 

Peace to you.

[Gray]

Neonink makes a very good point about securing your legal rights. It sounds like she is trying to ditch you with the baby. This means either she's planning to keep you away from the baby, and/or milk you for child support.

 

If you're interested in being a part of the baby's life and/or not supporting her through your monetary support of the child, I would seek legal advice.

 

As for the emotional stuff I can't offer a whole lot of help, I'm sorry. Good luck to you...

[Lila]

Wow! My heart goes out to you. Time heals all, so they say. Do you want to be part of the child's life? You might be able to get custody or visiting rights.

 

As far as your girlfriend, she does not deserve you. Listen to her mom. You showered her with love and girfts and she treated you like garbage. There are other men out there that would kill for a boyfriend like you!

 

You mentioned that she was on welfare and got food stamps? Perhaps the baby was just so that she could receive more financial support. You also purchased many household items for her, even a computer. Do you think she used you?

 

I know this is tough to handle, but you need to let her go. Go find somebody else who returns the love you give them. In the future, only live with a girlfriend if it is just you and the girl. Having other friends there makes it strange.

 

Best of luck to you...it'll all work out

[Lila]

There are other men out there

 

I meant to say women...oops