Live together before getting married?

[Rooster_DAR]

You move in together and you may like the situation at that point and time. But unless you're legally bound, you're most likely to leave when things aren't so peachy.

 

I think that's all your Mom is worried about.

 

 

I agree here as well.

 

Moving in before getting married has proven to lead to a non marriage. After me and my EX broke up, I did quite a bit of research and was surprised at the results which I thought were going to prove otherwise. If start poking around searching for cohabitation statistics, you will find most people who move in together increase the likelihood of not making to the wedding isle.

 

The longer you live with someone before marriage the greater the risk you will not marry according to most of the statistics I read. I will provide you with links to what I've found if you need them, but you should be able to do some searches. I understand some people don't like statistics, especially when looking on the internet but personally I believe statistics harbor accuracy most of the time.

 

I say you need to make up your own mind, but be aware that the longer you live together without marriage the riskier things become. I also believe Moose in understanding the bonding of marriage more often than not, offers to solidify and offer some protection against one partner leaving when things are tough. I am not religious nor do I believe in God, but I do understand how a marriage commitment bonds a couple better.

 

Cheers!

[Green]

I agree here as well.

 

Moving in before getting married has proven to lead to a non marriage. After me and my EX broke up, I did quite a bit of research and was surprised at the results which I thought were going to prove otherwise. If start poking around searching for cohabitation statistics, you will find most people who move in together increase the likelihood of not making to the wedding isle.

 

The longer you live with someone before marriage the greater the risk you will not marry according to most of the statistics I read. I will provide you with links to what I've found if you need them, but you should be able to do some searches. I understand some people don't like statistics, especially when looking on the internet but personally I believe statistics harbor accuracy most of the time.

 

I say you need to make up your own mind, but be aware that the longer you live together without marriage the riskier things become. I also believe Moose in understanding the bonding of marriage more often than not, offers to solidify and offer some protection against one partner leaving when things are tough. I am not religious nor do I believe in God, but I do understand how a marriage commitment bonds a couple better.

 

Cheers!

 

I wouldn't make decisions like this based on statistics that arnt necesarily acuratly representing cause and effect

 

Cheers!

[vander]

Moving in before getting married has proven to lead to a non marriage. After me and my EX broke up, I did quite a bit of research and was surprised at the results which I thought were going to prove otherwise. If start poking around searching for cohabitation statistics, you will find most people who move in together increase the likelihood of not making to the wedding isle.

 

The longer you live with someone before marriage the greater the risk you will not marry according to most of the statistics I read.

 

The statistics sound interesting. But I have to wonder about the people who lived together and decided not to marry. Perhaps many of those people would have divorced if they married. Of course, nobody can really answer the "what might have been" question.

 

Of course, Moose has a good point too:

 

You move in together and you may like the situation at that point and time. But unless you're legally bound, you're most likely to leave when things aren't so peachy.

And that makes sense. It's easier to end the relationship when divorce is not involved, so it could be ended prematurely.

 

Maybe it is worth considering which worst outcome is preferable:

1. Live together, decide it doesn't work out, and then part ways
   
2. Get married, decide it doesn't work out, get a divorce, and then part ways

Of course the positive outcome is staying happily married for many years.

 

We ran into an elderly couple at a restaurant on New Year's eve. They sat down and ordered a big dessert to share. They had been married for 54 years, and when they looked into each other's eyes, they still had the same sweet newlywed sparkle from 54 years ago. They had what everyone dreams of having. It was beautiful to see!

[norajane]

Maybe it is worth considering which worst outcome is preferable:

1. Live together, decide it doesn't work out, and then part ways
   
2. Get married, decide it doesn't work out, get a divorce, and then part ways

Of course the positive outcome is staying happily married for many years.

 

There are other dynamics at play in addition to the couple discovering whether they are compatible or not.

 

Part of the issue is also that a lot of people who move in together aren't necessarily planning on marriage or ready to make the decision yet. Many look at it as a test run. Or worse, one of them looks at it as a test or an opportunity to get closer, while the other isn't really thinking marriage at all and is thinking living together makes sense because of finances or geography or convenience. Or, they might think they both are considering marriage, but one of them (often the guy) becomes comfortable with the living together thing and questions why get married at all since they already are together and share everything...

 

And then the years go by and no proposal comes forth, or even if there is a proposal, no marriage date is ever set, no plans are made, and the marriage doesn't happen, and they split up.

Edited January 5, 2008 by norajane

[Florida]

I did quite a bit of research and was surprised at the results which I thought were going to prove otherwise. If start poking around searching for cohabitation statistics, you will find most people who move in together increase the likelihood of not making to the wedding isle.

 

The longer you live with someone before marriage the greater the risk you will not marry according to most of the statistics I read. I will provide you with links to what I've found if you need them, but you should be able to do some searches.

 

I read a different stat-but similar-as more reason to not live together if you want to get married, and have it last :

 

Those who lived together and THEN got married to eachother ran a higher rate of divorce, the reason being that a couple becomes acclimated to eachother, and used to eachother, so marriage is the next step. But not necessarily because they are well suited, more like because they are so used to eachother, even if they are not compatible.

 

So you find a lot of people living together who , alternately from rooster's stats, will get married but not for the *right* reasons.

 

That being said-OP this isn't you-you are engaged, so your mom is talking all hellfire and brimstone fears, not anything really applying to either scenario Rooster or I ran by you. and NJ I completely agree, I wouldn't live with an SO without marriage, too much work with no security, ugh, no thanks.

[Moose]

We ran into an elderly couple at a restaurant on New Year's eve. They sat down and ordered a big dessert to share. They had been married for 54 years, and when they looked into each other's eyes, they still had the same sweet newlywed sparkle from 54 years ago. They had what everyone dreams of having. It was beautiful to see!

I can't wait for this! We're only into our 20th....

 

Another factor you just might, (should / better) throw into this equation is how you each feel about a family?

 

How long will you both, "live" together before the decision is made to bring another one of you into the world?

[Storyrider]

This may sound like a silly question, but are you two already having sex? If you are, then moving in together might be OK.

 

If you're waiting until after marriage to have sex I would definitely NOT move in together.

 

Mostly I agree with Nora Jane that you should live alone for a while first. In fact, I think you will always regret it if you never live alone and go straight from your parents' house to living with your husband.

[Rooster_DAR]

And then the years go by and no proposal comes forth, or even if there is a proposal, no marriage date is ever set, no plans are made, and the marriage doesn't happen, and they split up.

 

You summarized it perfectly!

 

In my case, she decided to fall for some other bonehead while she was away for a few months. In any case, the proposal was made but no plans were ever set and I grew comfortable just living together, so you pinned my scenario exactly.

 

Cheers!

[hustava]

This sounds just like my mother. You have my complete understanding. I finally had to put my foot down and tell her this is MY life and MY decision. It sounds like an easy thing for most people, but most people just did not understand the depth of just how judgemental she could be. My brother got a few tattoes and she really thought he was going to wind up in jail.

 

I'm also in my mid twenties, and my bf had a lot of trouble understanding that my mom still saw me as her little baby. She never really aknowledged that I grew up.

 

I moved right from my parents house in with my bf. Mom and dad freaked out and cried for a couple, months, but they are starting to be normal now. I saw no need to "be on my own" for a while. There is no one else I'd ever want to live with, and in my state it's not affordable for someone my age to live alone. (I lived in the dorms 4 years of college so maybe that was my sort-of independent time). Although college is a far cry from the real world.

 

I still feel comfortably independent living with my bf, much more so than with my parents who suffocated me. He never holds me back or makes me feel like I can't do certain things. Of course we have to be considerate of eachother, but it's not a bother at all.

 

We do plan on getting married someday (read my other angst ridden thread) but I am SO glad we chose to live together first. I thought I knew everything about him and it would be a piece of cake. I was wrong. The first few weeks was endless bickering, screaming and crying. It was a huge huge huge adjustment. People at work would ask me how's the new living situation going? And they just kind of smirked at me. Everyone knew how difficult it was going to be and nobody bothered to tell me! It's like a private joke that all humans are in-on.

 

Both of us are very passionate people. I can't imagine ruining the first few weeks of a marriage by going through all of that. Also keep this in mind; people who did not live together before marriage, and had a successful marriage, will tell you that is the only way to do it. They'll pull out all these biased statistics from weird sources. The same goes for people who did live together before marriage (and it worked for them). They'll tell you that it's the only way to go and pull out their biased statistics. The truth is, as far as I can tell,

 

1. People who do live together before marriage seem to have less strong feelings about the institution of marriage. They don't see it as the be all end all of life, or else they'd just get married instead of cohabitating. Hence maybe they are more likely to divorce.

 

2. People who do NOT live together tend to be religious or have VERY strong moral views on the issue. Hence they might never get divorced even if they have a bad marriage.

 

Another important point for me- I could have easily told me bf we must get married before living together because my parents would freak out. He probably would have done it. But I could not live with myself knowing my parent's opinion made us do something that we were not ready for. Don't let them rule your life. Also don't listen to people who say a man won't really marry you if you live together first - that whole "getting the milk for free bit". Life is different now. Women are not just cows that men take housework and services from. They have a lot to offer us too.

 

Any man who won't marry you because he is already living with you, is NOT a man you would want to marry anyway.

[Mary3]

I have read a report that people who move in together to * test * out living end up getting a divorce anyway later.

The couples that decided not to move in together and married first had less likelyhood of divorce.

My feeling personally is that I not only want to move in first and see all his bad habits and if I can tolerate them... but also the idea of no sex before marriage would be a nightmare for me if we were not sexually compatible. lol

[vander]

This sounds just like my mother. You have my complete understanding. I finally had to put my foot down and tell her this is MY life and MY decision. It sounds like an easy thing for most people, but most people just did not understand the depth of just how judgemental she could be. My brother got a few tattoes and she really thought he was going to wind up in jail.

 

I'm also in my mid twenties, and my bf had a lot of trouble understanding that my mom still saw me as her little baby. She never really aknowledged that I grew up.

 

 

Wow, well there's my situation in a nutshell. My mom is just like that too. She still thinks I'm a little kid -- if I make a decision she doesn't like, then it's automatically wrong. My viewpoint doesn't matter -- only her viewpoint matters, because only her viewpoint is correct. Anyone who disagrees with her is wrong and is going to hell.

 

She begged me to speak with a trusted pastor friend and his wife before making the decision to move in with my fiance because she wanted them to talk some sense in to me. I agreed in hope she would calm down.

 

So we talked. Apparently THEY cohabited before getting married (surprise!), and it was a valuable experience for them. They've been married for 29 years. They did not officially make any recommendations for my fiance and me -- they simply shared their experience.

 

When I told mom that they lived together too before getting married, she shrugged and said "Obviously he's not a real pastor, because real pastors live by the Bible" ... etc etc.

 

So she's extremely angry, and she's blaming my fiance for "brainwashing" me into wanting to move in before marriage. All of her friends and family members are religious fundamentalist extremists. So when she turns to them for help with handling her "lost" daughter, they completely agree with her.

 

My future mother-in-law (much more liberal than my mom) is trying to plan an engagement party. My mom wants nothing to do with it. Since we're "doing it all wrong", she's treating me like I'm not her daughter anymore.

 

I want to move in with my fiance. I never intended to hurt my mother by this, but for goodness sake -- she's choosing to hurt herself!

 

I just never wanted to lose my mom, especially over something so petty.

 

Hopefully one of these days she'll come around ... but I simply cannot live my life to make her happy. It's my life, it's my turn to make my own decisions. I hope she understands someday. I really didn't intend to hurt her by this.

Edited January 20, 2008 by vander

[Walk]

I think if you do decide to move in with your fiance, then you need to do so quickly. Don't wait to find a new job, give notice at the old, etc. You'll go insane listening to your mother try to dictate your life.

 

My parents don't agree with most the things I do in my life. That's fine. They are entitled to their opinions. The one issue I have been firm with my parents on is that they respect my opinions and I will respect theres. NOT that I will do as they say, only that I will respect their right to have their own views. And that I will listen, and take into serious consideration, what they have to say.

 

I'm not sure if that will be effective with your mother, but I do know that your mom loves you (based on how you described her). Even if you do something your mother is totally against, she will eventually come around. It'll just take time. Handle yourself with dignity, and handle your mom with the utmost respect, and that time period will be shortened.

 

Your fiance lives 3 hours away. Even if your mom is psycho about the issue, all you have to do is take the phone off the hook and snuggle up with the man you love. That's what I do.

[CaliGuy]

Then why should anyone bother to get married?

 

I don't care how long you live with someone, they will not be the same person forever......

 

Moose, once again the voice of reason. I always enjoy hearing your opinion on things coz we think a lot alike.

 

Cheers.

[Mary3]

Moose, once again the voice of reason. I always enjoy hearing your opinion on things coz we think a lot alike.

 

Cheers.

 

Wow I agree totally !