The Wife Killed herself today

[Virgo1982]

Virgo - I would hope any decent human being would step up, but you're clearly a good soul. Regardless of what happens down the road, you are an anchor for them - perhaps their only one, at the moment. You are a very important person to them, and you have my deepest respect and my wishes for great strength in the coming days.

 

I just hope they have someone who is able to talk to them without pointing fingers or shifting blame, which will probably be hard to do. You can't have someone making them believe their father and/or mother were horrible human beings. He's the only parent they have now. I wouldn't want someone telling them their mother didn't care at all. These people with their points of view are the same points of view they'll get from individuals around them. Hopefully, they can sort through them and find the truth.

 

I know they don't know me, but I just want them to be okay.

[malaclypse]

Also, that comment about feeling guilty took me by surprise. When I read the headline, I thought, "wow, how unusual..."

 

 

Am I expected to feel guilty? Why?

 

I was single, and she came on to me. After I talked to her husband about the EA, I did not even once initiate contact. I told her from the start that I want a real, exclusive relationship with her. I believed that she was on the verge of leaving a marriage that was broken for years. Her husband even admitted to me that he beats her and that he's a total control freak.

 

NC was established as soon as it became clear that she was not ready to leave her H.

[Trimmer]

Trimmer, I happen to agree with you on most of this. But I think it's vitally important for these issues to be brought into the light of day and debated -- by ALL of us, even if we vehemently disagree with each other -- in the hopes that it may somehow help prevent such a tragedy from happening to someone else. Isn't that the core purpose of LoveShack anyway??

I agree, and I don't mean to say they shouldn't be discussed - we do that every day in other threads. It just seemed to me that there is an especially thick layer of fear here, showing itself as anger and especially bitter entrenchment. I think this especially horrible situation is one that we naturally want to insulate ourselves from, and anger is a great defense against the horror. We can empathize and identify, but we don't want to so we withdraw, isolate, and our fear becomes anger.

 

I guess I'm just suggesting that since we do discuss these very same issues quite passionately in numerous other threads on a daily basis (occasionally productively, sometimes not so much ), that this could be a safe haven for a little quiet reflection and honest sadness on behalf of the kids. Just wondering if we could break through our fear for a bit.

 

Just my observation and opinion - everyone is entitled, of course.

 

Yes, I also think Virgo is a good soul... and would make an excellent anchor for anyone. But who are you referring to when you say "an anchor for them"?? I am not aware of Virgo's personal situation, and I do not believe she is involved in the situation originally posted.

Oops, I was totally off. I meant to direct that comment to TheFaithfulWife, who has taken the kids into her home, and for now, her family. Totally my mistake, thanks for the pointer.

 

TFW: my respect and best wishes to you...

[ElvenPriestess]

Am I expected to feel guilty? Why?

 

I was single, and she came on to me. After I talked to her husband about the EA, I did not even once initiate contact. I told her from the start that I want a real, exclusive relationship with her. I believed that she was on the verge of leaving a marriage that was broken for years. Her husband even admitted to me that he beats her and that he's a total control freak.

 

NC was established as soon as it became clear that she was not ready to leave her H.

 

You made the right choice on your end, but he beats her? Why didn't she get out a long time ago?? No one, male or female should put up with that.

[Virgo1982]

Am I expected to feel guilty? Why?

 

I was single, and she came on to me. After I talked to her husband about the EA, I did not even once initiate contact. I told her from the start that I want a real, exclusive relationship with her. I believed that she was on the verge of leaving a marriage that was broken for years. Her husband even admitted to me that he beats her and that he's a total control freak.

 

NC was established as soon as it became clear that she was not ready to leave her H.

 

Misunderstanding. I was talking about a different guilt.

[malaclypse]

You made the right choice on your end, but he beats her? Why didn't she get out a long time ago?? No one, male or female should put up with that.

 

Don't ask me, I have no clue...she thinks she 'deserves' it. =/

 

I love her, and I miss her, but if she can't sort out her life the only thing I can do is to move on.

[Virgo1982]

 

 

Oops, I was totally off. I meant to direct that comment to TheFaithfulWife, who has taken the kids into her home, and for now, her family. Totally my mistake, thanks for the pointer.

 

TFW: my respect and best wishes to you...

 

Yeah, I thought that's what you meant to say.

 

Anyway, TFW has shown she's a strong woman. One thing stands out about her: she said she would say what she had to say before she got too angry. I respect that. I don't know if it means much to you. But it could mean a world of difference for those children.

[malaclypse]

But you Malaclypse are definitely an OW trying to wrestle with your guilt.

 

Misunderstanding. I was talking about a different guilt.

 

 

Would you be so nice to explain what exactly you meant?

[OpenBook]

I agree, and I don't mean to say they shouldn't be discussed - we do that every day in other threads. It just seemed to me that there is an especially thick layer of fear here, showing itself as anger and especially bitter entrenchment. I think this especially horrible situation is one that we naturally want to insulate ourselves from, and anger is a great defense against the horror. We can empathize and identify, but we don't want to so we withdraw, isolate, and our fear becomes anger.

 

And I think we have good reason to fear it, and want to insulate ourselves from it with our anger. Whatever it takes to rage against it, I say. I have been out on that ledge myself... and I hope and pray I will never find myself there, ever again.

 

... since we do discuss these very same issues quite passionately in numerous other threads on a daily basis (occasionally productively, sometimes not so much )...

 

Point taken... guilty as charged.

[cj1988]

I do not know what to say....this is sadly a true story of betrayal at its worst. I feel so badly for the children that the H did not seem to care about when he left for his OWN selfish reasons.

 

I am deeply sorry for your loss and THANK you for sharing this with us, it must be hard.

 

Ok, to all you having an affair, how do you feel now?

[frannie]

I just wanted to let those in relationships with married men to consider the harm they can do to a family.

 

Have you also posted this in Infidelity, or is it just OW you believe need to take on some message about relationships from this tragic tale?

 

If there is truth in this story, I feel terrible sadness for a woman who left her five children and a dying mother behind because she couldn't cope with what life threw at her. And sorry for all those she has left behind who live on to cope with the situation.

 

Of course commenting on such a thread, in the light of such a story can leave one looking callous and unfeeling, which is not the case. And no doubt because I was an OW I'll be accused of having the same attitude as the OW depicted in the OP, shouting in the background about how the BS was obviously crazy. However, irrespective of how I'll be perceived for posting on this thread, and for my response, I'm going to give my point of view.

 

I don't believe that other people, whoever they are and whatever their actions, can be to held to blame for other people's suicides. The man was divorcing, as he is entitled to do, no matter how long the marriage or how many children, and whether or not he had had an affair. In fact, if the story is to be believed it was not the affair, but the man leaving his W which triggered her final actions.

 

What is the message intended here? Are we really in life supposed to change our behaviour in case someone else might take their own life? Harsh as it may sound, no I don't believe so. And I don't believe even the OP can consider that a reasonable desire on the part of a BS. It would be seen as extreme and cruel manipulation, or it would by me at any rate.

 

So my question about this thread is, what are we as OW (and OM) and anyone else for that matter supposed to learn from this? Are we really supposed to go away wondering whether what we do in life is going to inadvertently cause someone else to kill themselves?

 

Once again, I'm very sorry for all concerned in this, and to be honest I'm not entirely comfortable with someone's very fresh tragedy being used as a morality tale to beat others with.

[OldEurope]

First off, to the original poster, my profound condolences for this terrible tragedy.

 

As for the OW: If she made a caustic comment in the background, that was downright horrible. It may alert the H to a heretofore shallowness on her part that was not seen by him over the course of the relationship. What a terrible way to have to find out, unfortunately...

 

However, I fail to see why the suicide is to be blamed on the OW or on the affair. The wife was a deeply unstable individual. The affair might have triggered this terrible action, but it is not the "cause". Those roots are individual and far deeper.

 

If a marriage ends because the marriage has ended, then then marriage must be allowed to end.

 

And I also feel sorry for the H.

[ElvenPriestess]

I don't think this was designed as a tool to drill into those that are having affairs. But more a LEARNING tool, just here to say that you don't know how this might end up effecting the one who is on the other side. The wife of the cheating husband, the husband of the cheating wife. The spouse committing adultery doesn't realize the impact on the other spouse, and as we see here it was too late. It's just something that should really be thought about.

[ElvenPriestess]

First off, to the original poster, my profound condolences for this terrible tragedy.

 

As for the OW: If she made a caustic comment in the background, that was downright horrible. It may alert the H to a heretofore shallowness on her part that was not seen by him over the course of the relationship. What a terrible way to have to find out, unfortunately...

 

However, I fail to see why the suicide is to be blamed on the OW or on the affair. The wife was a deeply unstable individual. The affair might have triggered this terrible action, but it is not the "cause". Those roots are individual and far deeper.

 

If a marriage ends because the marriage has ended, then then marriage must be allowed to end.

 

And I also feel sorry for the H.

 

I think if a spouse knows how unstable their partner is, then they should already have some idea as to how they could react. And all things considered the marriage needs to end. If he knew her mental and emotional standard reactions he should have thought about that in the first place.

[OpenBook]

Have you also posted this in Infidelity, or is it just OW you believe need to take on some message about relationships from this tragic tale?

...

I don't believe that other people, whoever they are and whatever their actions, can be to held to blame for other people's suicides

...

What is the message intended here? Are we really in life supposed to change our behaviour in case someone else might take their own life? Harsh as it may sound, no I don't believe so... It would be seen as extreme and cruel manipulation.

...

Are we really supposed to go away wondering whether what we do in life is going to inadvertently cause someone else to kill themselves?

...

I'm not entirely comfortable with someone's very fresh tragedy being used as a morality tale to beat others with.

 

Frannie you knock me out. What an excellent response. I wish I could have written this.

[justice]

I think that we can all surmise what was going through the wife's head at the time she did what she did, but I can also say that I don't believe we will ever know for sure what she was thinking at that time. It's tragic and it's sad, and it could have all been avoided if the cheating partner/OP would have really considered what they were doing in the first place and refrained from having an affair. The H should have been open and honest with the W and told her how he was feeling and she could have gotten counceling to help her through the rough times. He should have divorced before dipping his wick in someone else's inkwell besides his wife. Look at what has happened now. IT COULD HAVE BEEN AVOIDED! My heart and prayers go out to the children in this situation and to the wife who prolly felt that she had no other recourse. However, prayers won't really help what prevention could have possibly stopped in the first place.

[american-woman]

This is just horrible, Im so sorry for your pain and the pain of these children that they will have to deal with for a lifetime. When people cheat they have no idea of the harm they may be imposing on they mates, their children their whole family. When people are thinking of suicide they will usually show happiness not depression. That is when they are most likely to succeed with it. This just sickens me to death that a wonderful person has taken her life such a waste. I hope her husband has gottin his penis full because he will have to live with the guilt of his actions for the rest of his life. What must he have to explain to his children.

People who get involved with married people too need to wake up, they have a hand in the results also.

[bentnotbroken]

I don't think that's a good analogy. The wife who killed herself made a conscious decision to end her life, knowing how it would affect her children. It was her choice, and hers alone.

 

After an affair or a similar betrayal, I think everyone has these feelings of 'wanting to be dead' or so to stop the pain. But to actually go through with it and kill oneself, there must be way more problems than 'just' an affair.

 

 

Speaking as some one who suffers from depression and has actually planned my own suicide, you don't think about how your actions will effect your children. I had the thought that my children would be better off without me. Your thought process isn't normal. All the negatives a magnified 10 times. It is as if you here these things rattling around in your brain telling you that ending it is the only way to release everyone from the pain that you caused. You project everything onto yourself. It only takes one thing to help you make up your mind to do it.

 

Her mother's situation probably started the depression. My father was dying from cancer and watching him go through so much pain and my mother and siblings suffer was so much to bear. Trying to be normal for my own children and hold down a job, was so overwhelming. It didn't help that there were already problems in my marriage and Mr. Messy doesn't like to deal with trauma. I would hazard a guess that all of these things were going on in this poor woman's life also. No one can ever know.

 

But her husband's decision to leave may have been the final straw. (Pretty crappy to leave while dealing with a dying parent) He didn't cause her suicide, but he may have ignored the signs of her deep depression, by being too involved with his affair.

[ElvenPriestess]

People who get involved with married people too need to wake up, they have a hand in the results also.

 

Indeed! And being in denial about it doesn't help. It's easy to brush one's self off and say "I had nothing to do with it" but that's just not true! Infidelity is a marriage wrecker. And the parties responsible must account for that. In all cases.

[american-woman]

I hear ya:)

[LadyDi]

If the OW's remark is true, then she may be less than thrilled when 5 broken hearted children come to live with her and the father (assuming they were planning on living together) Enough so that she very well may end the A, and now look what Dad has to deal with! The OW can move on with her life, feeling guilty, no doubt, but no huge life changes on her end. Its a sad sad situation all around and my sympathies go out to all involved.

 

And it does give OW/OM a different view to consider, as if we didn't think of these things at times anyway.

[marlena]

Whether sane, half - insane, or totally sane, the fact remains that this woman did not have the strength nor the courage to live on for her children's sake and yes, her own sake as well.

 

Nobody is to blame and the true victims of this tragedy are her children and, yes, her husband, too.

 

One should not have to suffer a lifetime of guilty torment for wanting to divorce his/her spouse.

[Meaplus3]

I just wanted to let those in relationships with married men to consider the harm they can do to a family. My friends husband had decided to leave her and her five children for his mistress after 23 years of marriage. They did not fight and seemed to have a great relationship and she was not even aware of his plans to leave. He left three months ago and filed for divorce last month and got real nasty to her. She was confused and hurt not knowing what she had done to incure his wrath.

 

This morning she drove to the OW's apartment where her husband was, pulled her car behind his, attached a flex hose to her tailpipe with a pipeclamp. She pulled the hose through the back window of her van and placed a clear garbage bag over her head with the hose inside and started the car.

They found her when he went out to head to work.

 

I got the call from her husband to please pick up the kids from her house and keep them for this next week. I have not told these children what has happened and I am finding it very hard to keep it together.

 

When he told me what she had done he seemed to be in shock, he kept stopping in the middle of a sentence.

It did not seem to be the problem with the OW, I could hear her in the background stating Linda must have been crazy and how stupid to kill herself over a divorce.

 

I needed to get this out without anger because all I feel right now is a deep sadness and I know if I waited I would become angry and not say what I meant to say.

Linda just wasn't strong enough to go on by herself, she had never lived alone and she told me it was her biggest fear. Her mother is dying and could not offer her support and I tried to do the best I could. She seemed to be okay when I spoke to her yesterday and if I had known what she planned I would have called someone. She seemed happier yesterday then I had seen her in months.

 

I have been where she is at, but my husband and I reconciled four years ago.

TFW

 

 

TWF, I have you know this brought tear's to my eyes. I am so very sorry to hear about something like this, it's such a tragedy. I feel so bad for those 5 innocent children. Goodness this is just awful. My thought's are with you.

 

AP:)

[lovernotafighter]

I'm gonna call a spade a spade and tell you whats really sad.

 

You all are debating a story the OP made up. did any of you bother to look this up? it doesn't exist any where on the net that I have seen.

 

Did any of you bother your selves to read the OP's prior posts? they all match what she is saying was the volatile relationship with her 'friends' husband right down to the 5 kids and separation!

 

She also only felt the need to post it in this forum? wonder why eh? to create the hornets nest I'm looking at and you all fell for it, hook line and sinker!

 

maybe not perhaps you all just like a damn good argument however I am not pleased I felt so sorry for the OP and her friend just to realize she would make up such a ghastly story.

 

if any of you can prove me wrong, post a link and cast the first stone. I'm sure you can't but if you can she will get a very appropriate and honest apology from me.

[blind_otter]

if any of you can prove me wrong, post a link and cast the first stone. I'm sure you can't but if you can she will get a very appropriate and honest apology from me.

 

No offense, but if this just happened there wouldn't be any news stories about this. There is a time lag and these people are not famous.

 

Beyond that, TFW would be stupid to post a link to a news story because there would be identifying information there that could reveal her identity.

 

Chill out, dude.