Rumplestiltskin Posted January 4, 2008 Share Posted January 4, 2008 I'm on a quest for perfect friendship, and I was wondering what people thought about self-absorption in relationships today. I have heard that some study compared kids in the 1980's to kids today, and found that kids today are much more narcissistic. It's kind of sad to see so many people, including me, talk to others for the sole purpose of talking about themselves. Why is it so hard to listen to other people without relating what they say back to our own personal experiences in life? At what point does one become selfless and think about how the friend's conversation relates to the friend? It seems like if everyone did this, sites like this would be useless because relationships would be great. Of course, this is only my limited perception, which is why I need your comments! But that is impossible because how can anyone know anything unless they themselves have experienced it? We can only respond to each other by including our own worthless egos in the conversation. I am finding very few people who can interest me with conversations that aren't about myself. Perhaps this is because I am a self-absorbed teenager... yes, I'm 19, which makes all of my philosophical pondering trite and silly. You can stop reading now. For those of you not turned off by my youth, do you think more focus on others is needed in relationships these days? Do you think (or know from personal experience) that in the "old days," people were less self absorbed? Is the internet, with its social networking sites like facebook and its blogs, feeding the narcissism of its users? Or do some people just click with fewer people? Thank you for reading this! Link to post Share on other sites
Green Posted January 4, 2008 Share Posted January 4, 2008 you surely are thinking about this alot. I don't give to much mind to studies. But elderly people are really narcisistic ( I may have made that word up pretty cool eh). They're like babies wah wah always complaing about a hip or how things used to be and walking 1000 miles through a blizard. I'm lucky enough to have some pretty good friends and I enjoy their company very much and I believe they feel the same about me. hope that helps pal Link to post Share on other sites
SeraBella Posted January 4, 2008 Share Posted January 4, 2008 i think this is a great post. i don't know about the past, but KMT is right, although i don't know if I would have said it that way. i don't know many people of ANY age group that are not somewhat naristic. maybe it's not more prevalent now, but seems so because we just see it more because communication is so much easier. and so much of it (such as these forums) is in the open for all to see. perhaps its just human nature. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rumplestiltskin Posted January 4, 2008 Author Share Posted January 4, 2008 Thanks guys! Link to post Share on other sites
Meaplus3 Posted January 4, 2008 Share Posted January 4, 2008 I'm on a quest for perfect friendship, and I was wondering what people thought about self-absorption in relationships today. I have heard that some study compared kids in the 1980's to kids today, and found that kids today are much more narcissistic. It's kind of sad to see so many people, including me, talk to others for the sole purpose of talking about themselves. Why is it so hard to listen to other people without relating what they say back to our own personal experiences in life? At what point does one become selfless and think about how the friend's conversation relates to the friend? It seems like if everyone did this, sites like this would be useless because relationships would be great. Of course, this is only my limited perception, which is why I need your comments! But that is impossible because how can anyone know anything unless they themselves have experienced it? We can only respond to each other by including our own worthless egos in the conversation. I am finding very few people who can interest me with conversations that aren't about myself. Perhaps this is because I am a self-absorbed teenager... yes, I'm 19, which makes all of my philosophical pondering trite and silly. You can stop reading now. For those of you not turned off by my youth, do you think more focus on others is needed in relationships these days? Do you think (or know from personal experience) that in the "old days," people were less self absorbed? Is the internet, with its social networking sites like facebook and its blogs, feeding the narcissism of its users? Or do some people just click with fewer people? Thank you for reading this! This is a good post! I think it's very true that narcissim is on the rise in this day and age. I have noticed it in school age children, Teenager's, and in many adult's for that matter. I think it's because we live in such a material world these days. It' seem's to be a "ME, ME", "I, I" attitude. AP:) Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted January 4, 2008 Share Posted January 4, 2008 I'm on a quest for perfect friendship, I'm 19, which makes all of my philosophical pondering trite and silly. WOW! This is anything BUT a "trite and silly" train of thought. Of course you're right that each one of us can only observe externals (people & events) through our own filters (beliefs, IQ, EQ, experiences, etc.) So, that is NOT a problem...it is perhaps the ONLY thing that each of the 6 billion+ humans on the planet have in common! Narcissism is about believing, expecting and demanding that OUR set of filters is the only "correct" set -- narcissists want ONLY their opinions, feelings, beliefs, culture, education, etc., etc., to matter -- they want others to find meaning in their life experiences, and demand that others agree with and validate everything they say and do. They want EVERY tiny thing to ALWAYS be for &/or about them. When you see a friend who has suffered some kind of loss or trauma, and you go searching in your own "hard drive" for something that can help you relate, that is actually an effort to find empathy -- NOT a self-absorbed action. It only becomes self-absorption if/when you try to turn the conversation back on you (instead of giving the friend time & space to talk or cry or laugh through their own experience), or if you try to change the experience for them (as in, "you shouldn't feel like that" or "you're making too big a deal of it" or "oh, stop crying".) When you do something that you really think will help your friend, it is still only from your own perspective BUT it is with genuine interest and concern for that friend. Narcissists are usually in a mode of "how can I make this situation easier on ME"? (E.G., if the narcissist is uncomfortable expressing emotion, then they won't want/like their friends to engage in "too much" emotional expression, whether it's laughing, crying, dancing or whatever.) I don't think narcissism is related to age. In my experience it's more about the individual's psyche-personality (which, yes, has been developing since birth.) Since you are pondering this topic, it indicates to me that you do NOT have a self-absorbed nature (although I acknowledge that right now your opinion of yourself is that you do .) In relationships, I try to allow others to be who they are today; and also support them to be who they want to be in the future. For me, I need my ego (the thinking part of me) to help me make assessments and decisions about all sorts of things, and uncover ways to be empathetic and compassionate -- I don't see it (my ego) as "worthless" at all...quite the opposite, in fact. I get that you currently do not find much outside of yourself to connect and engage with -- that is likely more a function of your, er, limited experiences and interests which, of course, will expand for you naturally and through your own self-expanding efforts. Can I ask: What is your personal meaning of a "perfect" friendship? Link to post Share on other sites
SeraBella Posted January 4, 2008 Share Posted January 4, 2008 ronni, i love that you distinguised empathy vs. narcissism. that's some very valuable insight, imo. Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted January 4, 2008 Share Posted January 4, 2008 When you see a friend who has suffered some kind of loss or trauma, and you go searching in your own "hard drive" for something that can help you relate, that is actually an effort to find empathy -- NOT a self-absorbed action. It only becomes self-absorption if/when you try to turn the conversation back on you (instead of giving the friend time & space to talk or cry or laugh through their own experience), or if you try to change the experience for them (as in, "you shouldn't feel like that" or "you're making too big a deal of it" or "oh, stop crying".) This is a great point, one I immediately thought about making upon reading the OP, one that Ronni made quite eloquently. When you make conversation it's natural to relate what the other person is saying back to you. IMO it shows that you actually listened to what was being said, processed it, and thought about it in terms that you understand intimately. Then the other person can respond in kind relating their personal experiences. It's a verbal exchange. My best friend, who has recently been very supportive of me and there for me, is a great conversationalist. She tends to start conversations with observations she's made about her own life/the lives of those close to her/personal experiences. She then elicits a response from me, usually based on my own views and experiences. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rumplestiltskin Posted January 6, 2008 Author Share Posted January 6, 2008 Can I ask: What is your personal meaning of a "perfect" friendship? One that people have when they genuinely enjoy each other's company because their conversations make them think about interesting things or laugh. Also, one which has gotten beyond the surface interactions of asking how one's day has been. One which doesn't leave you feeling unfulfilled after you talk to that person because you feel like you haven't connected at all, you've just blabbed about yourself and listened to them blab. Thanks for your post Ronni W, that was really clear and helpful! Link to post Share on other sites
Always Wrong Posted January 6, 2008 Share Posted January 6, 2008 This is a brilliantly insightful thread! Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted January 6, 2008 Share Posted January 6, 2008 One word. Capitalism. Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted January 6, 2008 Share Posted January 6, 2008 (edited) Can I ask: What is your personal meaning of a "perfect" friendship? One that people have when they genuinely enjoy each other's company because their conversations make them think about interesting things or laugh. Also, one which has gotten beyond the surface interactions of asking how one's day has been. One which doesn't leave you feeling unfulfilled after you talk to that person because you feel like you haven't connected at all, you've just blabbed about yourself and listened to them blab. That's pretty much my definition, too. The thing is, I rather prefer to think of a perfect "circle" of friendships -- there isn't ONE person that can be everything that we need them to be, nor can we be everything that any other one person needs. If we don't get that part, we start having unrealistic and unreasonable expectations of people who do not have the intellect or emotional intelligence or skills or education or interests to be able to fulfill any of that stuff for us -- although mostly they'll want to, and they'll try...but our demands for what they do not have just leave them feeling inadequate and unlovable. And of course, just sitting around having deep, meaningful or philosophical conversations all the time ain't a "perfect" situation, either. Sometimes you just want to get together and do some (dollar store) paint-by-numbers or write silly rhymes or some other creative activity -- seriously, you can have the MOST fun time and get to know each other on a totally different level! Most important is to maintain our own intellect and interests -- we can't expect to be engaged and interested if we ourselves are not engaging and interesting -- but you seem to know that, already Edited January 6, 2008 by Ronni_W grammar Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted January 7, 2008 Share Posted January 7, 2008 Thanks for your post Ronni W, that was really clear and helpful! For whatever reason, I've been struggling with how to respond to the positive comments ... You're very welcome, Rumplestiltskin, I'm glad you found it useful. And I really DO appreciate those of you who took the time to post your kind comments Hugs to all, Ronni Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts