car2007 Posted January 4, 2008 Share Posted January 4, 2008 (edited) My wife and I separated 7 months ago. I’ve been seeing someone else since. I still live at the house in the basement primarily because of our 8 year old daughter and, quite frankly, financial realities. I will not ask my wife to sell the house because I feel strongly she and my daughter should continue to live there as long as they want. At some point in the future my financial situation will change for the better and I will be able to move out if I choose to, assuming I can bear the idea of leaving my kid. For now things are stable, my stbx is now seeing someone else as well. We are shielding our daughter from the separation and significant others for now because we both feel strongly she should continue to have a family at home at least until she is older. I go to a fair number of night meetings as part of my job so I can spend about 4 nights a week at my girlfriend’s and a Saturday and Saturday night without getting a lot of questions from my kid (I get home in the morning before she wakes up) and I haven’t slept in the same bed as my wife since before my daughter can remember so she doesn’t really question that either. When my stbx wants to see her “friend”, my daughter and I usually go the movies or otherwise spend the evening together. So here’s the problem: My girlfriend is very uneasy with my living arrangement. She’s my age but has never been married and has no children. She says she understands my need to stay with my daughter, but she doesn’t like the thought of me being at home with the stbx. She’s ok with the arrangement for now, though she doesn’t like it. The big problem will come soon I think because my stbx and I want to be able to do things occasionally with our daughter together, such as go to an amusement park or maybe even a mini-vacation for a few days. We feel this is important for her emotional development, to be able to have both her parents with her for memorable events. Although our “marriage” is kind of a sham now, our mutual love for our daughter is not. Stbx and I never do anything together just the two of us, at home or otherwise. Everything done together at home is in the context of being with our daughter (playing games, etc.). So the question is, is this asking too much of my girlfriend to accept? Am I being unreasonable in thinking I can continue a serious outside relationship while still being involved with my stbx and daughter in “family” activities? Anyone have any similar experiences? Edited January 4, 2008 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Please seperate large paragraphs into smaller ones! Link to post Share on other sites
Krytie TV Posted January 4, 2008 Share Posted January 4, 2008 I can't imagine putting any adult, let alone your child through this kind of situation. I'm glad you realize that this may be an issue, because I can't imagine it not being one. Your girlfriend is in a tough spot and I agree with her assessment. However, being with you is her decision to make, and hers alone. That said, I don't get the impression that you are ready to have another relationship. First, because you're putting her through this and don't see that it's a problem. Second, because you seem to have a skewed impression of what the role of you and your stbxw should be in this situation. People who are ready to move on from a marriage and be with someone else do not entertain the thoughts of going out "with the family", including the ex. Quite frankly, this situation is a mess and I question your girlfriend's judgment for accepting it for even this long. Link to post Share on other sites
Author car2007 Posted January 4, 2008 Author Share Posted January 4, 2008 Ok, I'll accept that the situation is unusual. But why do all separations have to follow a standard protocol? Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted January 4, 2008 Share Posted January 4, 2008 I know a man in a similar situation and it's really messed up. He and his wife are still married, but on their myspace pages they list themselves as single and they actively date other people, but they hide this fact from their son. My best friend got hit on by the guy and she was totally grossed out. She told him that his personal life was way too complicated to get involved with him. Personally, I think it's selfish to involve an innocent party in your complicated personal life. Your GF has a right to be uneasy about the situation and IMO you should not be dating until you have a separate life from your stbxw. Link to post Share on other sites
curiousnycgirl Posted January 4, 2008 Share Posted January 4, 2008 If you consider your g/f to be your SO and are serious about the relationship, then I think you are asking too much. What does she want out of this relationship? If the answer is marriage and children, then how is that going to happen? Are you planning on diivorcing your STBX? If you are resolved to stay in the home, and not let your child know, then where does that put your g/f? IMHO it puts her in a go-nowhere relationship. I would be less concerned about living with your STBX as I would with your not being able to fully share your life with someone else. As a SO I would want to meet your daughter, because she is important to you. Of course that would only be once the relationship is serious. Overall I think you have decided to put your life on hold until you feel your child is old enough to handle the reality. So in effect you are asking your g/f to put her life on hold as well - some women may find that acceptable, frankly I wouldn't Link to post Share on other sites
SeraBella Posted January 4, 2008 Share Posted January 4, 2008 If I was your girlfriend, I would not like the living situation, either. She probably questions if you will ever REALLY leave your wife. How old is your girlfriend? She probably is hopeful of marrying someday (maybe not you, but someone) and having her own family. And it does not seem like she could have that with you. Maybe when you first met she was hoping you would move out quickly/situation would change/improve, and it's now setting in with her that it's going to be like this for a long time. Also, I'm not trying to be judgemental, but you do realize that staying in a loveless and pretend marriage for your daughter's sake is harmful to her as well, right? Just because she isn't questioning things doesn't mean she isn't picking up on them, and they are without a shadow of a doubt forming her views on relationships, marriage, and love. One of my roommates in college harbored so much resentment for her parents for a very similar situation. She is the most bitter person I know, now. She hates her father, and despises her mother. She barely maintains a relationship with her mother, and has not seen her father since he finally left her mother. She also blames them for everything that goes wrong in her life. She trusts no men and does not believe in marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
SeraBella Posted January 4, 2008 Share Posted January 4, 2008 curious said exactly what I meant Link to post Share on other sites
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