Did I cheat? Do I tell?

[newandunsure]

I have been dating my gf for two and half years. We had a rocky start because we dated very soon after my last relationship and I cheated because I was a mess. We split up and we both are over that. I love her to bits.

 

However, a close female friend came to see me and we got very drunk (no excuse I know) and ended up at mine and in my bed. I have really terrible broken memories of us hugging, and her taking my hand and putting it up my top. She kept telling me to touch her. We half kissed but stopped and that's all I remember. I can also remember thinking that it wasnt right as we are friends but I dont know if this was a thought or an action. I am very certain that we didnt go any further than kissing (before anyone asks I am certain on this).

At the time me and my girl had some troubles (this was a month ago) and nearly split up because we hadnt had much time. We have sorted this part out now and I know I dont want to lose her.

 

I now feel awfully guilty, my friend point blank refuses to talk about what happened, she simply says it was not meant to happen and we should simply put it behind us, so I cant even work out if I cheated or not. I really feel awful to the point of pain about it but at the same time I dont want to drop my guilt on someone I love so much. Worse still is that if I did I couldnt even tell her what happened which is even worse.

 

I know inside I did the most stupid thing which I will never do again, Im taking control of myself much more and not allowing that to happen again. What should I do? Can I deal with my guilt on my own?

 

Male, 22

[ElvenPriestess]

Your girl has the right to know. You shouldn't keep this from her. This will show you are an honest person, and would never hide anything from her. I do think it unfair that the friend won't tell you the details. She was involved too, and every bit as responsible, and there for needs to fill in the gaps. She was selfish. And you were both at fault for the incident. She is no friend of yours, knowing you are involved with some one and laying on your bed making moves? She's certainly no friend to you. I would never disrespect my male friends like that.

 

After confessing what happened, assure her this will not happen again. That means you won't be one on one drinking with some girl, you and another girl will NEVER be in your bedroom. You can't put yourself in those positions what so ever. It sounds like you and your girl have problems as it is. This certainly won't help the situation, but hiding it will worsen it even more.

 

You have to be stronger than these urges or ideas, and any girl that would consent to being the third pasty needs to get the boot. Friends respect you and your relationship. You must always remember this. And I don't care if you guys are having problems, that's no excuse for either of you to act like that. My above advice is the best solution I can offer to remedy this. Don't repeat it!

[JamesM]

As has been said, ask your girlfriend if she thinks you cheated. Apologize and see if the two of you can move on.

[Ronni_W]

Can I deal with my guilt on my own?

If not, find professional help -- your g/f is NOT your therapist, and dumping this on her just so you can be rid of your guilt constitutes cruel and unusual punishment...and selfish behaviour.

 

You can also bring up and resolve whatever other problems in your relationship without having to refer to this here stupid mistake.

 

It is about not burdening her unnecessarily with your garbage. You must, on the other hand, work at ensuring that this won't happen again.

[Jordane]

Why would you put yourself in this situation to begin with? She deserves to know but you need to be prepared to lose her.

 

Since this isn't the first time, I think you have a problem and you should probably figure that out before you end up hurting anyone else.

[StartingOver07]

If not, find professional help -- your g/f is NOT your therapist, and dumping this on her just so you can be rid of your guilt constitutes cruel and unusual punishment...and selfish behaviour.

 

You can also bring up and resolve whatever other problems in your relationship without having to refer to this here stupid mistake.

 

It is about not burdening her unnecessarily with your garbage. You must, on the other hand, work at ensuring that this won't happen again.

 

Agreed 100%.

 

As long as you are sure you will never do such a thing again, telling your girlfirend does nothing except to burdern/hurt her in a cheap effort to make you feel better.

 

On the other hand, if there is even the slightest doubt in your mind that you could engage in this behavior again, then in all fairness to your gf, you should tell her and split up.

[THE THRONE]

What should I do?

 

THE THRONE says you should tell your GF that you're a no good rotten cheater who gets pissy drunk and lies about what he can and can't remember.

 

Can I deal with my guilt on my own?

 

Before you deal with your guilt you need to deal with your alcohol problem and the fact that you can't keep your pants zipped.

[mortensorchid]

Oh no no no. Whatever you do, do NOT tell your gf that you cheated. There is no point in creating more drama and more grief for the both of you. You are not going to see the gal you cheated on her with again, move on. We're only human, we give into temptation and make mistakes. If you love your gf and want to continue your serious relationship, continue it and do not mention this. Move on.

[THE THRONE]

Oh no no no. Whatever you do, do NOT tell your gf that you cheated. There is no point in creating more drama and more grief for the both of you. You are not going to see the gal you cheated on her with again, move on. We're only human, we give into temptation and make mistakes. If you love your gf and want to continue your serious relationship, continue it and do not mention this. Move on.

 

 

If he loved his GF and wanted to continue a serious relationship he would not have cheated multiple times.

[Phateless]

I have been dating my gf for two and half years. We had a rocky start because we dated very soon after my last relationship and I cheated because I was a mess. We split up and we both are over that. I love her to bits.

 

However, a close female friend came to see me and we got very drunk (no excuse I know) and ended up at mine and in my bed. I have really terrible broken memories of us hugging, and her taking my hand and putting it up my top. She kept telling me to touch her. We half kissed but stopped and that's all I remember. I can also remember thinking that it wasnt right as we are friends but I dont know if this was a thought or an action. I am very certain that we didnt go any further than kissing (before anyone asks I am certain on this).

At the time me and my girl had some troubles (this was a month ago) and nearly split up because we hadnt had much time. We have sorted this part out now and I know I dont want to lose her.

 

I now feel awfully guilty, my friend point blank refuses to talk about what happened, she simply says it was not meant to happen and we should simply put it behind us, so I cant even work out if I cheated or not. I really feel awful to the point of pain about it but at the same time I dont want to drop my guilt on someone I love so much. Worse still is that if I did I couldnt even tell her what happened which is even worse.

 

I know inside I did the most stupid thing which I will never do again, Im taking control of myself much more and not allowing that to happen again. What should I do? Can I deal with my guilt on my own?

 

Male, 22

 

So far you've cheated on this girl twice. I think you should talk a long hard look at yourself and why you allow yourself to do this. YOU control your own actions, there's never an excuse. There might be reasons, but not excuses.

 

As for the technicalities... if the situation was reversed how would you feel? Would you consider that cheating? Would you want her to tell you?

[Trialbyfire]

If he loved his GF and wanted to continue a serious relationship he would not have cheated multiple times.

Werd...

 

So far you've cheated on this girl twice. I think you should talk a long hard look at yourself and why you allow yourself to do this. YOU control your own actions, there's never an excuse. There might be reasons, but not excuses.

 

As for the technicalities... if the situation was reversed how would you feel? Would you consider that cheating? Would you want her to tell you?

More good advice. While people might feel that not telling will cover it up, it's not worth it in the long run. Also, this is a friend of yours and she might end up saying something to someone else. Imagine how devastated your g/f will be, to find out from someone else you've done it again.

 

Telling her is a huge risk in losing her. Not telling her, has an irrepairable risk, if she finds out.

[Trimmer]

I don't think it's worth trying to slice it just right and decide whether it meets some absolute definition of "cheating" or not. That's just a black/white copout, as if you can parse it and slice and dice it and cook it just right and convince yourself that it "wasn't cheating" and everything is OK.

 

You know damn well that if your GF knew what you know about what happened she would not be at all OK with it. Nor would you be, if the situation were reversed, and she was drunk in bed with some guy's hand up her top - all of her own free will. You don't need to define whether it was "cheating" or not.

 

I think you should talk a long hard look at yourself and why you allow yourself to do this. YOU control your own actions, there's never an excuse. There might be reasons, but not excuses.

And in that look at yourself, don't ask yourself the question: "Did I stop soon enough?" You need to ask yourself the question: "How and why did I get started?"

[Phateless]

And in that look at yourself, don't ask yourself the question: "Did I stop soon enough?" You need to ask yourself the question: "How and why did I get started?"

 

Bingo! You need to ask yourself why you put yourself in that position in the first place.

[mental_traveller]

Yes, you cheated. Yes you should tell.

[mental_traveller]

Oh no no no. Whatever you do, do NOT tell your gf that you cheated. There is no point in creating more drama and more grief for the both of you. You are not going to see the gal you cheated on her with again, move on. We're only human, we give into temptation and make mistakes. If you love your gf and want to continue your serious relationship, continue it and do not mention this. Move on.

 

The reason he should tell her is because cheating and then being honest is better than cheating and then deceiving his gf. If he doesn't confess, then the rest of their relationship (assuming it lasts) will be built on a monstrous lie. It is completely unfair to her to string her along under false pretences - she thinks her bf is faithful, she is effectively being conned into staying with him without knowing the truth.

 

How can it be right to con and deceive an innocent person? You are looking at it only from the point of view of the cheater. What about the right of the innocent person in the relationship to know the truth? Don't you have any concern for them?

 

Also, think of the corrosive effects on the cheater, of adding lies and multiple deceptions to his already extensive wrongdoing. How can it be good for someone to base their whole life around lies to the one they supposedly love. What sort of person lies every single day to someone, and at the same time claims to love them?

[mental_traveller]

Agreed 100%.

 

As long as you are sure you will never do such a thing again, telling your girlfirend does nothing except to burdern/hurt her in a cheap effort to make you feel better.

 

That's simply incorrect. Telling her does several other things:

 

1) it lets her know that her boyfriend has cheated.

2) it lets her know the truth about the relationship.

3) it stops her being a dupe.

3) it lets her make a decision based on these facts, rather than having her bf make the decision for her without her knowledge.

[Trialbyfire]

That's simply incorrect. Telling her does several other things:

 

1) it lets her know that her boyfriend has cheated.

2) it lets her know the truth about the relationship.

3) it stops her being a dupe.

3) it lets her make a decision based on these facts, rather than having her bf make the decision for her without her knowledge.

Bang on. When you cheat, you risk all. If you want to do the right thing, instead of solely looking at personal selfish need, it's your responsibility to tell. Own it.

[BlueEyedSarah]

Yes what you did is cheating, your right drink is no excuse, you know full well what you did and you know full well it was wrong, your whole intention in the back of your mind is cheating even though YOU know full well it will destroy your relationship - She needs to know the full story so she can decide wether or not your hurtful actions is worth staying in a relationship - I very much doubt she will stay with you, if she does stay I would be very suprised and make sure you do not screw it up by cheating again. If she doesnt stay take her choice in good hands and let her move on to be happy with a guy who will not cheat on her.

[MerryMelodie]

I've been in a similar situation. I only ever cheated on someone once and yes I was drunk too. I normally don't drink and I was so trashed I could barely walk. The guy was all over me even after I said no multiple times. It's no excuse but at that time my man and I were having issues. I actually thought my man was cheating on me cause I found a cigarette in an ashtray at my house and it looked like it had lipstick on it that was not from me. My man was not coming onto me at all so I really started to think he was sleeping with someone else. Anyway I honestly had no intention to do anything with this guy, it was actually a guy from work I ran into at the bar and he asked for a ride home, by time we left the bar I was wrecked and he had to drive. I only went in his house to sober up to drive home. Then he was just hanging all over me but after saying no he was still all over me and I started to think about that cigarette and just got so angry in a stupid drunken state I fooled around with him but I'm glad I stopped it before it went to far. So out of hurt and anger I made a dumb mistake. I would never do that again. We all make mistakes! I learned my lesson. I always hated cheaters and never would want to hurt anyone. Now that I did I hate it even more, it still bothers me but I don't drink unless I'm with people I can trust. Whether I'm drunk or sober I don't try to get with guys. You made one mistake and if you are sure it will never happen again then I don't think you should tell her. Being drunk is not an excuse but we all know people do really stupid **** they would not do sober!! Don't hang out alone with other women either. Just don't put yourself in that situation again.