I told him I can't be his friend

[Chiquita27]

My ex-bf and I were together for over a year. During that year we had a lot of ups and downs, basically it was because he is majorly afraid of commitment. Which I never really understood because I never even mentioned anything about marriage or getting engaged or anything of that sort. All I wanted was a stable relationship, but apparently he wasn't ready for that.

Basically he would always meet new people (girls) and hang out with them and whenever he thought he might like them as more than friends he would come to me and tell me he needed space, or someone different, or he was confused and blah blah. I would give him space, I would just do the friendship thing or just dissappear for a while and he would always come back to me in a few weeks telling me that he missed me and that he loved me and all that jazz.

The last time we broke up (about a month ago) he told me the same thing again, he's confused, he wants something different, he wanted to just be friends and see what happens. I didn't say much because the holidays were coming up and didn't want to be having drama over Christmas, so during christmas time we got together, we hung out as friends, we exchanged presents, and just had good times.......however, I can't deny my feelings for him, I do have very strong feelings and being around him, and hearing stories about his "new" friends, really hurt me. As much as I tried to not let it bother me....it did hurt me.

Before new year's eve, I told him I didn't have anybody to spend it with, I told him that my friends were doing their own thing away from the city and that I was going to be stuck at home doing nothing. He didn't even offer to share his plans with me, and the day after I told him it had hurt me that he didn't even bother to invite me in his plans. He told me he had plans with his new girlfriends and that it was complicated to bring me. I got upset and he knew I was upset and told me that he wanted to stop hurting me.

On new year's day I drove to his place and spent some time with him, when I decided to go home I told him I couldn't be his friend for now, that I needed time away from him and that I wasn't sure I was going to come back to his life. He said that's not what he wanted but that he was going to respect my decision. He was a bit pissed because I was doing that, he said I'm one of his best friends, and I told him I wished I could look at him and not feel anything, but that wasn't the case and that time and space will help me heal. He made me feel a bit guilty but at the same time I think he was relieved that he doesn't have to deal with me anymore.

Right now I'm feeling guilt sometimes......I'm thinking of him a lot.............and I would like to know if I made the right decision. My love for him right now had turned very painful....and he knows it. All I can do is stay away until it ends..........I don't think he'll miss me...and that makes me sad too.

[Jordane]

You definitely made the right decision! You did what was right to you...something he's been doing this whole time, what's right for him. I think he enjoys your presence when he needs it there and enjoys your flexibility when he doesn't want you around.

 

He has been selfish this entire time and now it's time for you to take control back of yourself and get a real perspective on what you want.

[Da_1_n_OnlyN3na]

u made the right decicion....time will help you heal and clear your head and it will also help him to realise what he lost with you. you will be ok just try to make your self busy with other things so you wont think about him...your very brave to let go just before you get more hurt...

[Lee725]

On new year's day I drove to his place and spent some time with him, when I decided to go home I told him I couldn't be his friend for now, that I needed time away from him and that I wasn't sure I was going to come back to his life. He said that's not what he wanted but that he was going to respect my decision. He was a bit pissed because I was doing that, he said I'm one of his best friends, and I told him I wished I could look at him and not feel anything, but that wasn't the case and that time and space will help me heal.

 

This is the best thing that you could have done.

He has been using you and keeping you as a back up for some time now, Of course he was pissed, his back up was disappearing, i dont believe he was pissed because he was going to loose you. (i am sorry if that sounded mean - i dont mean to be).

If you were one of his best friends he would have picked up on the fact he was hurting you the way he was a long time ago.

 

He made me feel a bit guilty but at the same time I think he was relieved that he doesn't have to deal with me anymore.

Right now I'm feeling guilt sometimes......I'm thinking of him a lot.............and I would like to know if I made the right decision. My love for him right now had turned very painful....and he knows it. All I can do is stay away until it ends..........I don't think he'll miss me...and that makes me sad too.

 

You should not feel guilt in any sense of the word, you have done what is right for you after giving him so many chances and taking him back after you know he was out with other women.

He probably put on a "face", to say he was relieved, i would say he wasnt, i would think as i said before he was annoyed because his back-up was going.

 

You have made the right decision. He would not commit to you, that in itself hurts, but the fact that he was seeing other people (irrespective of whether he was sleeping with them - which if he was - get tested).

 

You will pain for him, that is normal. You loved him in a way that he could not love you, (i know this pain all to well unfortunately), You are grieving his loss and your sense of an incorrect decision and guilt are normal processes (how clinical does that sound?)

 

You must stay as strong as you can and go NC with him.

Some men react differently to how they really feel when things like this happen, sometimes it takes a period of time for their real feelings to surface and for them to be able to convey those feelings in the right words.

 

If you go NC for a while (a couple of months mayb - weeks wont do it cause he has already had that amount of time in the past), it will give him ample time to work out what he wants, and whether he is ready for a long term relationship with you.

 

Dont contact him tho even after this period. Move on with your life and hopefully you will meet someone who will love you the way you do them.

You will never be able to trust this man, even if he is with you physically where will his mind be? - thinking of the next place he can meet some single girls?

 

LS is a great place to come when you feel you need to get it out and especially when you get the urge to contact them.

Good luck Hun, keep us posted.

Edited January 4, 2008 by Lee725

[Chiquita27]

The weekend is hardest because we used to spend it together. Many thoughts come to my mind and all I can do is picture him having fun with his new girl(s).......I haven't heard from him at all. In a way I wonder if he even misses me, but somehow I'm relieved that I don't have to second guess myself if a call was to come in.

I wanted to share a poem with everybody....I gave him this and I think some people here might appreciate it more than he ever did. I don't think he thought much of it.....but these were my feelings at the time.

 

To Love you is not the best thing, I’m clear on that

There are less traumatizing things to do

Like trying to find shapes on the clouds, go to the movies, or just not do anything.

To Love you is not the best thing, But I like it,

Maybe I’m just being a masochist.

I should just watch some soccer or go on the internet like everybody else.

To Love you is not the best thing, But is Perfect

to find some sense to this routine of being simply one more citizen of this world.

To Love you makes me suffer, which is a blessing,

it reminds me of my existence, it reminds me I can feel emotions.

It gives me something to think about at night.

To Love you is like venom that gives life,

it’s like a torch that turns on if it goes off.

It’s sublime and irrational at the same time, it’s what I feel and nobody cares.

To love you is just my truth, is the best of the worst.

Is the Russian roulette for a kiss, is improvising at times.

To love you is a mistake, most people think, even you.

To love you is an embassy of an instant in my brain,

It’s also having hated you a few times.

To love you is absurd and we know it and that’s how it’s going to be while it lasts.

You might be left without me, but at least I will be left

with the incurable syndrome of loving you this much.

[your star]

Hi Chiquita,

 

I recently told my ex that I could not be his friend right now. It was starting to be too much for me. I felt like I was only torturing myself by forcing myself to be his friend when I had more feelings for him. Being that we were together for almost 7 years I thought I would at least remain his friend. But I was always more sad after we talked or saw one another...It's not fair to put ourselves through that and be in contact with them on their terms. I put my cards on the table, and if he wants to come after me, he has that choice. I know it's hard but this is something that YOU have control of. I struggle a lot but it's a lot better than suffering from being in contact. We both deserve to have someone who wants to be there in our life. and we shouldn't have to chase after it.. Hang in there

[Chiquita27]

This is so true:

"It's not fair to put ourselves through that and be in contact with them on their terms."

 

In our last conversation he said that we were going to be friends until we knew in what terms we were...I don't need to stick around to know MY terms, I already know what I want...but he just can't give it to me. So what's the point of me being around him for now. That will just cause me more pain. He made it sound like I didn't know what I wanted...when he clearly knows that I do. That bothered me......

Weekends are so hard for me....we used to spend at least one day together on the weekend......and now NOTHING.....I can't stop thinking about him...........but I really hope time and distance makes me feel better.

 

I hope you are doing well Star

[Ashbash11]

It's eerie how similar your situation is to mine. I also went out with my ex for a little over a year and we were "friends" for about 2 years, even though I still have feelings for him. The friendship was completely on his terms, as well. When he'd start dating other girls, he would push me away OR, he would ask me for advice.. It was horrible but I couldn't break away because my feelings for him were so strong that I was willing to hang around.

 

Three weeks ago I also told him that I cannot be friends anymore. I told him that our friendship was unhealthy for me and it was hurting me. I had been pushed to my limit... Like your ex, he got angry and didn't want to stop talking. Our "friendship" arrangement was perfect for him, you know? His best female friend, always there when he needs her and always available in case things with other girls don't work out. It's been about a month of NC now and it's been extremely hard because I think about him a lot and I miss him, but I keep reminding myself that this is the best thing I can do for myself. I am glad that you realized the same thing. You need to look out for yourself, especially when you have feelings for your ex and he doesn't have the same feelings towards you. It's really the only way you can effectively move on. Stay strong and good luck!

[NickP]

chiquita, firstly, the poem u wrote is beautiful. It resurfaces a lot of things that I've felt b4. I too told my ex 2 months ago that I cant speak with her anymore because she didn't know what she wanted. I was going to give her a chance to earn back my trust after a mistake she made, but she couldnt give me a firm decision if she was in the relationship for sure or not.

 

2 months after, I know that I made the right decision. I see things clearer now. I know what I want, and I don't want to compromise what I expect from the one that I love. Part of me wanted to be her friend still, but I knew that if I did, I'd be harbouring feelings for her that will just run me down so badly because I know she could never love me the way I wanted her to. This is going to sound harsh, but you deserve a chance to get away from the pain of loving some1 who doesn't love u back. You need to realise that you can be loved back, if not by him then definitely by some1 who can see you for the good person that you know you are. You're doing good.. It's impt that you distract urself a lot, esp on the weekends. Don't let ur mind wander and find some friends to be with whever u feel lonely. Hang in there chiquita:)..

[Chiquita27]

I really appreciate your feedback Nick...

 

It's nice to hear a guy's perspective as well.

 

I think the weak moments will only teach me to be stronger.

[Chiquita27]

So today I was having a good day....being busy at work and doing my own thing. I am starting a new language class today and I'm quite excited about it.

Then all of a sudden I started thinking about him...and for some reason I pictured him having a great relationship with this new girl he's dating and I know this is extreme but I pictured him having babies with her and all that. And Oh man......that truly hurt.........Is this normal????

He will make a family at some point and I have to understand that....I think I just picture that in my head but I forget to picture a nice future for me as well. One with a good man that loves me and wants to have a family with me as well.

 

It truly hurts to think he will give himself the chance with someone else and never even tried with me. I think that's why those thoughts hurt so much

[Chiquita27]

[sIZE=2]Ok.....A while ago I had sent him a birthday card because his bday is this sunday.....since I knew we wouldn't be seeing eachother or talking to eachother I decided the card was the best way to go....in it I told him what a great guy I think he is and how much he should be thankful for his life and all the great things life has given him. And at the end I also told him that I missed him because I knew I was going to be missing him by the time he read the card.

 

He got it on tuesday and he sent me a text message saying thanks for the card, and also saying that he missed me more than I knew. Then I replied saying I was happy he got it and that it has been quite hard to stay away from him. Then he replied saying he knew what I meant. Then I was weak and called him......he took a while to pick up and honestly I think it bothered him that I had called. We didn't talk for long, he just told me about his work and how he is really stressed and about to quit. Then he told me he has been really depressed and that he had 2 nervous breakdowns the past week where he sat down on his couch and just cried for hours..he said that he pulled out the poems and any writings I had given him and that his parents had given him and just read them and cried........I felt like my heart was being poked because I felt soooo guilty I had left him alone all this time...............he also said he had promised himself he wasn't going to call me anymore and I guess by me calling that promise had been broken. I told him if he ever needed to talk to someone he knew where to find me, but he didn't say anything, I also told him if he wanted to get together we could do it too. He said he thinks a lot about me, I told him that being away from him was hard for me too. I told him that I thought he was doing better with his depression issues and that I never thought he would be having any breakdowns....he said that's what he thought too. I felt like he was talking to me against his will so I just told him I was going to let him go.

 

Then we hung up. But I sent him a message telling him to cheer up and telling him to be happy this weekend because his bday was coming and he was going to have a blast. He just replied thanks.....and then I replied saying not to treat me like a stranger because I knew him better than anybody and I knew he was disturbed and I wished I could do something to cheer him up......he replied "all in due time....goodnite...xo".....

But then stupid me goes to bed and starts analyzing every bit of the conversation and concluded he's really hating my guts for having closed the doors of my life to him.......I honestly feel like he resents me sooo much for having done that.....yesterday I woke up and texted him saying "I really feel like you are disliking me a lot right now, I'm sorry if my call bothered you the other night, I just feel sad without you"....and he never replied.......I regreted sending that message the moment I pressed send.........but what was done was done..........now the fact that he didn't reply makes me feel even sadder.

On top of that...his new friends that he's hanging out with who are females may I add sent me a message through facebook telling me about a party they are organizing for him...and I feel so ****ty that I can't even go because I know he will feel uncomfortable with me there.....

 

I hate this...........I hate it!

[/sIZE]

[NickP]

hey chiquita hw's things been goingg?