I Am In Love With A Married Man, I Am The Ow

[Missy27]

Who are you to be saying anyone's selfish?

 

Why is breaking some ladies heart and destroying the life that she knows considered unselfish?

 

And no one should have to change jobs unless they want to...

 

Save your judgment for someone who cares...

 

GEL ~ StillSame is the same person as BestAdvisor and is now also registered under the name Computers. She's done this on another forum aswell ~ I dont know if you've had any previous dealings with BestAdvisor ~ but if I were you I would ignore this member

[Owl]

Why is breaking some ladies heart and destroying the life that she knows considered unselfish?

 

Sorry...she did this as a result of her choice to have an affair with this woman's husband. Her choice to "break some ladies heart" occurred when the affair started...NOT as a result of telling her.

 

Telling her just lets this woman know the full truth of the circumstances that have impacted her life during the affair. It lets her make an INFORMED decision in how to move forward with her life. It shouldn't be done vindictively, or with any expectations...just with the intent to allow this woman to know the full truth of what's gone on.

 

CHEATING breaks people's hearts...not honesty.

[GreenEyedLady]

Sorry...she did this as a result of her choice to have an affair with this woman's husband. Her choice to "break some ladies heart" occurred when the affair started...NOT as a result of telling her.

 

Telling her just lets this woman know the full truth of the circumstances that have impacted her life during the affair. It lets her make an INFORMED decision in how to move forward with her life. It shouldn't be done vindictively, or with any expectations...just with the intent to allow this woman to know the full truth of what's gone on.

 

CHEATING breaks people's hearts...not honesty.

 

Respectfully, I disagree...Some people really don't want to know and are willing to overlook it if it's not blatant...Once it's public knowledge, it has to be dealt with and some people aren't ready to do that...

 

If you tell, it can never be untold...All the memories that were made will be tainted for that person for as long as they live...Why hurt someone else when it's over?

[Owl]

Then we'll agree to disagree, m'lady.

[frannie]

Sorry...she did this as a result of her choice to have an affair with this woman's husband. Her choice to "break some ladies heart" occurred when the affair started...NOT as a result of telling her.

 

Telling her just lets this woman know the full truth of the circumstances that have impacted her life during the affair. It lets her make an INFORMED decision in how to move forward with her life. It shouldn't be done vindictively, or with any expectations...just with the intent to allow this woman to know the full truth of what's gone on.

 

CHEATING breaks people's hearts...not honesty.

 

Hmm... But if she doesn't know, how can her heart be broken?

 

I mean, if it really is OVER. Then it's over, and the danger has passed, has it not? I'm saying, IF the OW has decided there is no future whatever with the MM, does not want one, and has walked away..?

[melbar68]

sorry ladies went back with him, i missed him alot, but this time we were together i realized it was lust and not love therfor i will only see him when i want to.

 

Also i would never tell the wife and she were to ever call me and ask i would deny it anyway, i promised him from the begining that she would never find out through me or by me and i meant it.

 

another thing is i never said we work together, far from that we even live far from eachother which works out pretty good.

 

i know what i am doing might be worng, but oh well maybe i am selfish, but oh well, you only live once and i want to have fun and i want to be happy. i have never asked him to leave his wife for me, nor would i do that.

 

i hate being the other woman because i have been the wife who was cheated on, but as long s she doesnt know it will never hurt and if she does ever find out it will not be by me.

[melbar68]

Yes i realized i was not in love the last time i was him and that it was lust instead and the weight that was lifted off my shoulder was great.

 

i dont know what happened we spent the entire day at a hotel, we were suppose to be working but we were playing hooky and something just snapped in my head and i realized it was lust and that i am not in love.

 

we only see eachother to have sex we dont spend fun times together like going to the movies or walks like we use to, it's always the hotel and on those rare occassions that we just meet up for a short while to talk.

 

although i know i have feeling for him and i miss him when i dont hear from him and i miss his touch, his smell and his kisses, i also know that should i never see him again life will go on just fine.

 

i will see him only when i want to and not when he wants to and he knows this. at times i wonder what if we really did get together in the end, oh well i will cross that bridge when i get ther, but for now i am going to do me, no matter what anyone says and nope i will never tell his wife and i will do everything so that his wife doesnt find out such as tell him what excuses to use and how to be careful, i know what he has to look out for i know what wives look for and i will do my best to make sure i am happy in the long run and not another woman, wife or not

[whichwayisup]

You're setting yourself for a big fall. You say you're in lust, not in love...I'm not too sure about that. If you don't love him then walking away should be quite easy. Sorry, but I think you're trying to make yourself believe something different and that whole 'what she doesn't know won't hurt her' referring to his wife - Well, that doesn't justify you helping him cheat on his wife.

 

For all the sneaking around, lying, betraying, having to hide HIM from your life, friends and family, the drama is still there..Me thinks that's the part you're also addicted to, as well as him and the sex. One day you're going to want MORE than that and he can never offer you more..

 

Staying with him will hold you back and keep you in this holding pattern. You're settling and if you're OK with that, then accept you're JUST the OW, nothing more, nothing less. No expectations, no hurt feelings. Put yourself first, make time for him when YOU feel like it.

 

Anyway, good luck. I wish though you'd just end it completely already and try to get over him..You deserve better and more. Unfortunately, it won't ever be from him.

[Jordane]

I agree with whichwayisup, it sounds to be like you are in a great deal of denial and making justifications for things you know are not right.

[melbar68]

I Dont Feel I Am In Denial Of Anything Atleast That Is How I Feel. I Do Know Its Lust And Not Love Because Although Yes At Times I Want More Than Just The Sex That Is All I Enjoy With Him Right Now. We Met Up This Weekend And Although We Could Have Gone To A Hotel We Just Sat In My Car Talking, Laughing, Holding Eachother And I Enjoyed That. Sure I Wish We Could Go To The Movies, Bowling, Skating, Eating Out Like We Use To When We First Met, But Right Now We Cant, But I Am Sure Eventually We Will Again Some Day. I Do Believe He Has Fallen In Love With Me And Maybe Not He Says He Is And Thats All I Can Go By, Besides I'm Happy With The Way Things Are I Cant See Him That Often Anyway And In A Way I Dont Really Care About Spending Too Much Time Together.

[Owl]

Well then...it sounds like you've got a great thing going then.

 

Until he's caught, and his wife tells him to end it with you or end it with her, and he's forced to make up his mind.

 

I'd suggest that you already have a plan in mind for how you're going to deal with that eventuality...

 

"Pray for the best, but plan for the worst."

[flavender]

You need to find you someone that is not married. Of all the people in the world; why did you have to get involved with a married person. You should have had enough discipline to say, "You're married and I think that this would be a bad move for you to try to involve yourself in another relationship right now". Once a married person is out of the marriage officially, then you can make the decision if you want to go ahead with a relationship. But not until then. What if the shoe was on the other foot. Just remember what goes around, comes around.

[hippyvic]

I'm sorry and no offense is intended but you say you don't want to hurt anyone or break up a family. Don't you think it's a bit late to be thinking that? YOu should of thought about that BEFORE you got together with this man, knowing he was married.

[jaslene2009]

I am in the same position except I am married too. I met my friend on line. He posted a very detailed message about his home life and how he wanted to meet someone for more than just sex. Well, we have been seeing each other for 3 months. We do some of the same things you guys have done. We both tell each other that we love one another, but I am starting to want things to end and I will tell you why. He already told me that he would never leave her because he has two small children. I really don't want him to leave her because I am married as well and I think that if my marriage ended I would like to be single for a while. Also, I don' t want to deal with the emotional and financial issues that follow a divorce. If we are not together, I want it to end but as soon as I see him I tell my self I love him to death. I really want out but is so hard. I have talk to him about this and he just tells me that if I decide not to see him anymore he undestands. I really don't know how you love someone but can let go so easily? I am trying to focus on what matters in my life and bleep him out. Because I am tired of hurting. I am not sure what you need to do but I will tell you this: Look Out For You! He doesn't need you to leave. No body needs someone to force them out. If he loves you like he says that he does than he should make up his mind and settle it. Men always claim they are staying for the chidren. What is the real issue? Okay, because if you can not get along with her or the love isn't there what are you showing the kids. Again, Look Out For You! I am going to do the same.

I am 40 years

old

and have been involved with a

mm

for about 6 months now. We didnt start sleeping together until we were seeing eachother for three months. the first three months we went to the movies, the park, the beach, just for walks or we would meet somewhere to talk and laugh, however of course eventually we started going to hotels. I have since fallen deeply in love with this man. I actually started falling for him before we slept together and according to him he did too. I also live with someone for 10 years, but had a sexless relationship for about 5 years this is why i went looking for someone else to have on the side, but had never done this before. The

MM

claims he was also looking for someone else because sexually his wife does not turn him on anymore ect... We clicked on the first date and i didnt expect to since i never gave anyone a chance. However we do not talk about me leaving or him leaving our

SO

as i am afraid to even ask then lose him and maybe he feels the same. We talk to eachother all day while at work Mon.-Fri 9-5 and sometimes on the weekends when he has time, as i have no relationship with my

SO

, we dont even sleep in the same room we dont talk and just share the bills nothing else, however i know his wife loves him and he has two small children 7 & 8 years

old

. They have been together for 10 years he is 42 and she is 34, however she does look much older than me and is very much over weight, i look much younger and just a bit overweight, not much and my girls are pretty much grown up 22 and 14

so

i have alot of time to go out, but it bothers me that he barely has time and we have to sneak around. His wife got suspicious about him having an affair about two months ago thats when we couldnt see eachother weekly like we were doing and according to him she is doing everything to make things better between them such a clean what according to him she never did and cook and be physicaly closer to him. It hurts

so

much when we meet and its not always for sex sometimes we just spend time holding hands and hugging eachother, talking, it hurts when he walks away and goes into his car and i drive away because he is going home to her, but he text me messages all day telling me he loves me and misses me and is crazy about me and wants to hold me. i dont know how much longer i can take this because my heart tells me one thing and my head tells me another. I do at times feels guilty, but i am

so

happy when i am with him. we call out sick once a month to spend the whole day together and see eachother once every two weeks or once a week which ever he can get out to do, because i have all the time in the world once i get off of work. we do live a bit far from eachother about half an hour away. he tells me everyday that he wishes i worked closer or lived closer

so

that he come by to see me everyday. I dont know i am

so

confused and i fall more and more in love with him everytime i see him. we talk about everything, atleast i do i dont lie to him about anything as i have nothing to hide, i dont think he does either but i dont know if he is telling me what i want to hear or can he love two women. We have eachothers addresses, home numbers, job numbers ect. as i dont feel threatened by him or him by me. Please someone help me i want to stay in this relationship even if i am miserable only because

im

happy when i am with him. As for my

SO

i think he knows what is going on, but at this point we dont care about eachother and we dont have children together. I am

so

in love and confused and i dont want to break up a family or hurt anyone.

 

[jaslene2009]

First of all : We need not judge you................

 

I understand where you are coming from Melbar 68. It is a tuff road to travel down. I will say this in defense to people who do stray, it is never right but we do need to be real clear about our position in realtionships. I stated before that I am in a similar situation. Melbar68, just get yourself busy, change phone numbers, find a new pace to live, trade jobs if you will. Neverthless, we got to move on. I agree with everyone here that the man only wants his cake and eat it too. You are smart, beautiful, and sensual. You need to internalize that dear heart and believe in yourself. You are more than a conqueor and you don't need your SO or the MM to justify who you are. I agree too, that you could find someone that is single with no strings attached to date. But truely, you have got to get tired. It is all up to you. We can just give words of advice. However, the strength to move on must be in you to do so. I told you, I felt like I loved the MM I was seeing. The truth is, I just wanted someone to appreciate me. Just plain ole me and not put so many demands on me. He showed up and was doing just that at first. After a while, he would say things about his wife to me that made me wonder why I was even seeing him. If his wife is all that and then some, he needs to stay home with her. If is not your fault or mines that they are unhappy. Niether is it their fault that we are feeling just the same. Internalize your own self worth. I know you can do it! We are here to support not to judge.

 

Frannie: I am going to do just that i am going to see him next week and although i thought about writing him a note i wont i will tell him in person because i know i can and i will do just like you say i am going to ask him to not contact me until or unless i contact him and see how long i can take it.

 

I am i woman to and i have been betrayed and i know that feeling when someoen cheats on you and yes it does hurt like hell and it leaves you sad inside. Although it has been many many years ago since that happened i can still remember the sadness and hurt i had inside. I know his wife has done nothing to me,

so

hurting her is not something i would ever do as in telling her about the affair i could never do that.

 

She has an idea she heard a conversation him and i had once a few months ago when his phone accidently dialed her, but according to him she has gotten closer and has been doing everything around the house she never did before. She has been going every where with him and doesnt allow him to go alone unless its with her or the kids, thats what he says i dont know how true that is.

 

i have grown attached to this man and i think i am in love with him, but it wont be the first time i had my heart broken,

so

i know life will go on.

 

maybe i was confused because of the things he tells me and how he compliments me. when i call him every morning he calls me sexy or beautiful and when i am with him thats all he tells me is that i am beautiful and he cant believe i am with him. He does everything right in bed out of bed he just does them the way i like it and i guess that is what i have gotten attached to.

 

As for my

SO

he will be out really soon, he knows how i feel for him i have told him i dont love him and have not for a very long tim and i have told him that he repulses me and that i am seeing another man therfor he had to leave, but i dont know what is taking him

so

long. I even told him to start dating

so

that he can maybe meet someone and go, however he looks horrible and has let himself go in everyway i dont think any woman would look at him at this point and i couldnt care i just want him out.

 

Years back when he would cheat all the time i would tell him one day i am going to wake up and not care about you anymore and i will do to you what you did to me except i will do it smarter because you wont even know, but i didnt mean it however i did. i didnt get into this affair to get my

SO

back it was just something that happend and i wasnt ready for it.

 

i wasnt looking for anyone else although i wished and prayed everyday that someone would come my way i didnt think it would be a married man, until this day i wished he wasnt married.

 

And he has mentioned leaving his wife or his wife leaving, but i have made it very clear to him that i could never trust him or would never trust him eventhough he questions that and asked why if the affair was with me and not another girl, come on that was this time what about the next time. He says he could never cheat on me because i am smart and beautiful and everything he ever wanted,

so

i ask him what did he see in his wife and he says just that, but she has gained to much weight and is stuck in a par time job going no where.

 

Now he can do that to me one day also if i gain weight and get stuck in a job that isnt going anywhere, but he just says no because i am different how different i dont know, but thank you everyone i will post again when i cross my bridge and let him know i will no longewr see him again.

 

[jaslene2009]

Now the healing can begin:) Time heals all wounds and it really does have to hurt before it gets better. I am proud of you and I hope that you begin to love yourself enough to know that you are worthy of having a true love!

 

Because Like Teddy Pendergrass states: It does feel good loving somebody, when somebody loves you back!

 

i broke it off its over for good i dont know how the next few days are going to feel but i will be fine

 

 

[melbar68]

Oh god ladies i love all your responces and make me think but i have tried to get away from my MM, but for some reason i just cant i want to then i see him and i cant i know im not in love thats for sure but the lust is crazy and i have some feelings i dont know what to do

[twice_shy]

I am so in love and confused and i dont want to break up a family or hurt anyone.

 

Then don't.

 

So you are in love with a man that cheats on his wife. you don't think that he could do the same to you after a few years of being together if he ever leaves her?

 

I think I'm gonna become a cheater. Looks like they got their s##t together!

[Jordane]

Why bother asking for advice if you have no desire to listen to it?