The heavy page

[scottster007]

It's day four of being alone after kicking my stbx wife out of the house. A bit about my story for anyone that's interested. Close to about two years ago I discovered that my wife was having an affair. Same story you all have heard over and over again, but the special twist in mine is that she cheated on me with somewhat of a local celebrity in Atlanta. Meaning I get to see this guy on the news often. We tried to pull our marriage back together and seemed to be making excellent progress. We communicated better, did more stuff together, it truly seemed like we were going to make it. To make a long story short, a year and a half later, I discovered a video on her computer while attempting to clean a trojan virus off her laptop. The video ended up being a porn movie that she made with him on our bed while I was at work. I knew it was recent because the new duvet cover was present. Ouch! Obviously we separated. Amazingly enough the sting of the second betrayal was less painful. I'm happy that I get to finally move on; no more looking over my shoulder. It's over and I'm ready to see what the future holds for me. The trouble is that I already burdened my friends and family with my woes the first time and now, although my support structure is still there, I find myself not wanting to burden them again with all of this. So I have been kinda sitting here in this empty house alone working on projects to keep myself busy. So what am I saying? I'm not sure.. I guess I'm just here to reach out for new friends that are going through similar situations. I feel that I want to channel my energy in helping others through these difficult times and on the same hand be helped by others. The now being alone factor is hitting me hard. Ive never lived on my own before.

 

Hello eveyone! I'm new here!

[marlena]

Hello there and welcome to LS.

 

You will find lots of nice and sympathetic people here to help you cope with your problems. Some will see you step by step through the various stages of emotional turmoil that you will inevitably go through. They will help you process and understand your feelings and hopefully make changes in the right direction.

 

I will try to do my best.. as meager as that may be.

 

Personally, I believe there are some things that are forgivable and others that are simply unforgivable in any relationship. Making a porn video with another man would have automatically signalled the end of my marriage. It is not only deceit, it is vulgar and makes a very loud statement regarding the quality of your wife as a person.

 

As hard as living alone is at the beginning, it does get much better. In fact, it can can get wonderful. it is what you make of it. Think of it as a new beginning, a chance to rediscover yourself and forge a new and better life for the one person you should care about most - yourself. Becoming a martyr to "love" is never a good idea.

I'm happy that I get to finally move on; no more looking over my shoulder. It's over and I'm ready to see what the future holds for me.

 

You sound determined and very optimistic. Please, stay this way. Whenever you have setbacks, for surely you will, post on here. You are not burden to us.

 

Marlena

[scottster007]

Thanks Marlena. Truly some kind words and thanks for the welcome to the community. I have always been a strong man, but this time I fear I have run out Kleenex. I'm not afraid to admit that crying helps.

 

I wanted to share a quote that I found that gave me some perspective.

 

"Sometimes choices are made in the name of forgiveness while what is occurring isn't forgiveness at all. It is important not to confuse being forgiving with denying your own feelings, needs, and desires. Forgiving doesn't mean being passive and staying in a job or a relationship that clearly doesn't work for you or is abusive. It is important that you are clear about your boundaries. What is acceptable for you? If you are willing to allow unacceptable behavior again and again in the name of 'forgiveness,' you are more than likely using 'forgiveness' as an excuse not to take responsibility for taking care of yourself or as a way to avoid making changes."

 

 

Robin Casarjian - Forgiveness: A Bold Choice For A Peaceful Heart

[THE THRONE]

We live in a cruel world. In any event, welcome to the board and feel free to let it all out. If you had to cry so what? Crying is natural, and if I were in that situation I would probably have cried....at her funeral....

[Ronni_W]

"...It is important not to confuse being forgiving with denying your own feelings, needs, and desires....likely using 'forgiveness' as an excuse not to take responsibility..."

Hey Scottster!

Thanks for posting that quote -- I'll soon be off to find out more about the author

 

Speaking of which, you'll also find that some here at LS haven't quite mastered the art of forgiveness -- "they know not what they do" and channel their not-knowingness weirdly -- I guess MORE forgiveness needed, with those types.

 

Have a happy day!

[scottster007]

As hard as living alone is at the beginning, it does get much better. In fact, it can can get wonderful. it is what you make of it.

Marlena

 

Keep telling me this! I could do well to hear this over and over and over again.

 

I had a friend of mine come over today to jam. It's funny, we made such a mess in the main den! Guitar amps, cables, recording equipment just all over the place. I even moved the couches back. For a few minutes there I was thinking; my god, when the wife comes home she's going to fire lasers from her eyes and burn two holes in my face when she sees this mess. Then just as soon as that, I realized she's not coming home! It's all so very weird. I miss her already yet I know I could never live with her again. I just wanna install one of those "easy" buttons and just keep pressing it. Anyone got one I can borrow??

 

Oh and Ronnie, your right about the forgiveness. It's the only way to move on. I'm still working on it. I want to forgive her and him as well. I know it will help me move on and hopefully make me feel better. Negative thoughts are just going to bring me down. Whats done is done and I cant change it. And the most important thing is to remember that I can't change her. Karma will decide her fate.

[sumdude]

HI and welcome.... it's a good place to share. My ex wife moved out suddenly a year ago. I have a roomate in the house but he hasn't really been here for over 6 months.. always at his girl's house. So basically it's the first time I've ever lived alone in 39 years.

 

There are two words, two sides to the same coin. It can be lonliness or it's solitude. There are times now that I actually relish my solitude. Part of has to do with healing from everything that's happened. I was injured emotionally and psychologically by the separation and divorce.... So like an injured animal I retreat into my cave and lick my wounds.. LOL but it's true. Or you can look at it like being a monk for awhile, seaching yourself, recreating yourself with the time you have without distraction.

 

Funny thing about men and women... women often prefer to cry in company... men almost always prefer to cry alone yet share with freind talking.

I went a few months mostly alone at home a lot then went through a phase of wanting to be out and about, around people and never home. Now I know I can choose whether to be alone or not. And yeah, I can jam in the basement any hour of the day and not have to worry about it!

Edited January 6, 2008 by sumdude

[Lee725]

Hi scottster, welcome to LS.

I have lived alone by choice for a long time now (10 year total with a 2.5yr break - live in ex boyfriend - now gone).

 

Living alone can be hard, there is no doubting it. Some days are great, some days are long and isolating.

 

I am sorry about what you have been through, my EX brought a woman thru our home and sletp with her on our bed. Dealing with the thought of that still sends a chill down my spine, let alone seeing it on a video, OOUUCH that would have been a nasty blow.

 

Good luck with your journey, we all look forward to chatting with you.

[marlena]

See, Scott, you didn't have to worry about the wife coming home and shooting laser beams into your eyeballs! Just a small example of how it does get better, bit by bit, day by day, month by month.

[scottster007]

Yeah Lee, the video was an extra special twist. Like Marlena said, it signaled the end of our marriage alright. Guess what, I told her she can keep the bed. Every time I look at it I feel like I'm staring at the Amityville house.

 

I took it up a level today and redecorated the den and I gotta say I was right! It does look better my way. lol. I got all her junk all piled neatly in the dining room, so it will be easier for her to come get it out when she finally does.

 

Weird Stuff:

 

- What am I gonna do with all this closet space!?! I didn't even know we had carpet in there after she cleared out all her shoes.

 

- The garage is huge now.

 

- The cats hate me they always did. I swear they wait until just after I clean the cat box to have some sort of ultimate fighting challenge match in there. I like cats, but I think I'm gonna let her have these two meatballs.

 

- Apparently I never brought any kitchen appliances to the table. I think she left me with a wire whisk and a can opener. Oh, and a cutting board.

 

- I did laundry today. It took half the time to accomplish! This is good!

 

- The house stays so much cleaner now that she's gone. hmm! Go figure!

 

 

Sorry to ramble. Thanks for all the replies btw. It'll be neat to come back here maybe a year from now and read this. I'm sure Ill get a kick out of it one way or another.

[Ronni_W]

...one of those "easy" buttons ... Anyone got one I can borrow??

 

What works even better is the 'delete' button on your keyboard -- use it on unwanted thoughts, mental images and whatever else you want to erase.

No keyboard handy? -- no problem. Just visualize it and keep on pressing .

 

- I did laundry today. It took half the time to accomplish!

<nag on> Well, that's cos you didn't do it PROP-per-ly!!! You probably didn't sort the bright whites from the regular whites. And you probably put the purples to soak with the greens? WHAAT? You didn't soak AT ALL??? And what cycle did you use for your delicates??? Ga-awd!!! <nag off>

 

Wishing you continued 'positivity' -- I can totally vouch for what Marlena said...IT DOES GET EASIER AND BETTER.

[scottster007]

You probably didn't sort the bright whites from the regular whites. And you probably put the purples to soak with the greens? WHAAT? You didn't soak AT ALL??? And what cycle did you use for your delicates???

 

ROFL. No seriously. soak? whats that? Dude I have like three piles. Dark, not so dark and white. And they all get washed with cold water. I thought I was doing good just cleaning the lint collector; and I only do this because I get some sort of strange satisfaction when I can pull it off in one piece. soak? lol

[scottster007]

Is there a pill out there that will make one stop having dreams? I cant wait until my sub conscience brain catches up with my conscience self! ugghh!

[marlena]

What am I gonna do with all this closet space!?! I didn't even know we had carpet in there after she cleared out all her shoes.

 

 

Have a wrinkle - free wardrobe?

 

- The garage is huge now.

 

 

I like cats, but I think I'm gonna let her have these two meatballs.

 

No more shedding, yeah!

 

Apparently I never brought any kitchen appliances to the table. I think she left me with a wire whisk and a can opener. Oh, and a cutting board

 

 

Some fun shopping to look forward to! And a nice meal at the shopping mall!

 

- I did laundry today. It took half the time to accomplish! This is good!

 

 

More time to have fun!

 

- The house stays so much cleaner now that she's gone. hmm! Go figure!

 

A dinner party, perhaps?

 

 

Ah, the joys of being single!!

 

As for the dreams, be patient! In time, they too will pass!

 

Marlena

[Chrome Barracuda]

Did you ever tell her you have the sex video???

 

You know if the video got into the wrong hands it could be damaging to alot of people involved.

 

I mean did she know she was being videotaped? What was her explanation for it?

 

I'm glad you kicked her out.

 

It's time for you to get some new coochie! lol.

[scottster007]

Yeah. She knows i have it. I set up a new bank account and am planning on putting a copy of it in a safety deposit box. My lawyer also has a copy. I would never let it get out not matter how ugly things get. I'm just not that kind of person.

 

They video taped it together. Then they must have sat down together and put some music to it, all done up nice and all. It hurts, but she died to me that very minute. There is no love left in me for her at all so I see no point getting all worked up about it. i just want to move on and maybe find someone worth getting to know one day.

 

Her excuse was. I F'd up! Um yeah!

[Chrome Barracuda]

I would annoymously post the video somewhere, and put her on blast. Or use the video to get what I wanted.

 

But maybe that's just me. lol.

 

I wonder what her family said to you, do they know about the infidelity, sex tape.

 

How have y'all familes been handling the divorce mess?

 

I think that's why she left is because her marriage is severely broken and now that you had hardcore proof she cant negotiate. Female waywards always tend to rape the men in court, but you got the trump card and she cant do jack!

[scottster007]

I really don't know about her family knowing or not. Don't care really. She keeps messaging me on my phone asking how I'm doing. if I'm eating or sleeping ok. I respond in kind but nothing else.

 

The divorce is uncontested. Tuesday we take all the paperwork to the lawyer. Then hopefully, 30 days after that I can wash my hands clean.

 

i did everything i could to try to save the marriage after she cheated on me the first time. I can still look at myself in the mirror. I have nothing to regret.

 

As far as the video goes, once the divorce is finalized, I will destroy it. Nobody else needs to get hurt.

[THE THRONE]

I really don't know about her family knowing or not. Don't care really. She keeps messaging me on my phone asking how I'm doing. if I'm eating or sleeping ok. I respond in kind but nothing else.

 

The divorce is uncontested. Tuesday we take all the paperwork to the lawyer. Then hopefully, 30 days after that I can wash my hands clean.

 

i did everything i could to try to save the marriage after she cheated on me the first time. I can still look at myself in the mirror. I have nothing to regret.

 

As far as the video goes, once the divorce is finalized, I will destroy it. Nobody else needs to get hurt.

 

Keep ALL evidence just in case something pops up in the future.

[stampdaddy]

and dont forget to share the video with your new pals here at LS....:lmao:

 

Just kiddin my friend.. 6 years ago, maybe 7, was living in a 1 bdrm apartment with my clothes in milk crates. Sad, dismal and depressing "box" of a "house"...

Now I have a 4 bdrm "HOME" and all is well... Seems like forever ago. My point is, live day to day and you will be looking back in no time at all of the years that have past, and quite honestly now for ME, I want that time to slow the hell down....

 

Chin up!!

[D-Lish]

Ugh, What a horrible thing for someone to do to someone they claim to love and respect.

 

Been through a divorce myself- after almost a decade together he knocked up a waitress on a business trip...and I found myself in the same situation as you.

 

It's okay to hold onto some anger for a little bit. I lingered in sadness and despair for quite some time and then the anger hit me and that is when I started getting better.

 

I think it's really important to deal with the heartbreak and not push it aside. If you internalize it, it will only come back to bite you in the a** at some point. I never used to let anyone see me cry...I had a habit of locking myself in the bathroom, drawing a bath and letting the tears go in private.

 

What hope can I offer? It does get better. It's hard to believe it when you feel so down--- but at some point you will look back and view this break up as just a distant chapter in your life. It's been 4 years for me and so much has changed, and the memory of being married to my ex is just a distant memory.

 

It's important to begin the process of figuring out who you are as an individual. When you've been part of a couple for so long- your identity becomes synonymous with your spouse. Re-disovering your independance can actually be a really positive experience.

 

Have you considered moving from your current surroundings?

That is something that helped me with a new beginning. When you share a space with someone- it's inevitable that you'll be reminded of their presence.

 

It gets better. The pain goes away.... it just happens in gradual stages.

 

And Hey- if you have a support system available to you- use it. No one is thinking "I told you so"...they are thinking your ex is an a**-hole. You are a forgiving person- you gave your ex a second chance and she blew it. There is no shame in the fact that you forgave her initially. I think your friends and family understand this and can still be a great source of comfort.

 

Vent away Scotty-pants....

It truly helps to talk it out.

xo

D

[scottster007]

D-Lish, thanks for the words. To your question: Its a nice house. I think I'm going to keep it, but everything has to change. I've already started redecorating. Well, Ive started looking at some paint colors at the Home Depot... Who knows, maybe I'll get lucky and spill some paint on the carpet. Friggin baby blue carpet!

 

Oh and I took "that" bed down today. Got it all packed up for her to take away. Got a new bed, with no cooties on it! yuck! To think she let me sleep on that thing for a month! I know those sheets didn't get washed! (I'm cringing)

 

PS. We were together for 13 years, married for 10. No children.

Edited January 8, 2008 by scottster007

[Lee725]

Hey Scottster, you are sounding so much better already just from your first post!

YYYAAAyyy...

Dont knock baby blue carpet! thats what i have.

I love the colour blue, got the lounge, carpet, walls (in alternate shades) and a few other things.

 

The funniest thing my EX said to me after he left was "I am never going to have anything blue in my life again", reckoned he had nightmares over it - D**k***D

 

Cooties LOL... I used that term the other day on a friend & they had no idea what i was talking about!

 

I am so glad that your sounding positive, i hope it gets better & better for you (in fact i am sure that it will).

[scottster007]

HAHA Lee. The baby blue carpet is not so bad! Just hard to clean the hairballs off. Hopefully the cats will be gone soon. Ill miss them but I wont miss the catbox and all the other fun stuff that goes along with cats.

 

Sleeping on the new bed was heavenly! My neck was killing me from sleeping on the couch! Hehehe. No cooties! I slept all night!

[marlena]

Scott,

 

I did the very same things! I literally tore down a wall, making my living room and kitchen into one huge unit I could sail through unencumbered (literally and metaphorically). I redid my bathroom,threw out anything that reminded me of my ex -husband, purchased new furniture, painted my walls in explosive colours, you name it I did it!!! th

 

These rennovations were symbolic of the new,emerging me, my new life and my aspirations for the future.

 

You are on the right track my dear friend and I commend you on your strength and determnation to start afresh. Only good things will come of it!

 

And like D- lish said, coming out of a long term partnership is redefining your identity and that, my friend, is an exciting challenge! Yourself will astound you!

 

Marlena