Should I settle for the sake of kids and commitment if marriage is lame or get help?

[maritallyconfused]

Hello everyone, I have a classic affair for you.

 

First off, I never thought I would be in this situation. I have been with my wife for 18 years, been married for 9.

 

The unfortunate thing is that we have grown apart. I love her dearly. She is a great hommaker, great person, great wife and more importantly mother for our kids. Everyone loves her. But she is so simple and I am not and we have a disconnect. With that said, she and I have grown apart. There is no spark. We have sex maybe once a month and are only 36. I am a very sensual, touch feely (not overbearing). She does not like to be intimate, to kiss, to do much. Her life is family and the home. Its not all bad. We get along but its more cordial like friends. We really do not fight or anything, but it is just not doing it for me. I feel like I am 60 in my relationship. I do not know what to do, and have felt this way for a long time. I do love her.

 

Now, about six months ago, comes a hot, smart, funny, spunky, fun attractive 25 year old into my life. We had sparks right away. You could feel it. I would NEVER hit on her of course. So about a month ago she comes out and tells me she cannot deny the sparks and basically wants to be with me. I felt the same way.

 

I made the trip to her house and we had tremendous sex. Sex 4 times in a night. We did this a few times and our relationship has blossomed, and we have spent tons of time together and talking. We are crazy in lust already and this could go places if I am not careful. She is basically my girlfriend now. She knows my status, she is fine with it. She is scared and we have discussed everything, all the possibilities including breaking it off and or us dating to see if I can improve my marriage and maybe making a change.

 

I just do not know what to do. Should I settle for the sake of kids and commitment if my marriage is lame. Or should I try to get help in my marriage and see if I/we can improve things and go from there and maybe make a change down the road if it does not get better. I feel awful and selfish but I deserve more. My wife is great but something is just not right obviously.

 

Thanks for your input. Just know I am a decent human being, and good provider, husband and father. I want to be happy and minimize pain and risk.

[whichwayisup]

You need to tell your wife how miserable you are in the marriage and come clean about your affair. Inlust or not, you are married and now allowing feelings and a relationship to grow with another woman. You are betraying your wife and your kids by being selfish. I mean, maybe your wife would like to have a choice in this too! By either letting you go, so SHE can find a man who won't run away and cheat on her, a man who will do everything possible to make her happy. Or maybe you two can talk about an open marriage so she can have another man just like you have another woman.

 

WHEN your wife figures out you're cheating on her, your whole world as you know it will change, as will hers. Any real love, respect and faith she feels for you will disappear instantly and you will NEVER get that back completely.

 

I want to be happy and minimize pain and risk.

 

Translation: I want to stay married, continue to have an affair, and not get caught by my wife.

 

You may be a decent human being but right now your choices are proving otherwise. You are a husband, a father - who is cheating on his WHOLE family by having sex with another woman. You also are allowing the affair feelings ruin your relationship with your wife, so any love and care you may have felt for her is going to disappear further and be buried. The other woman in your life right now may say she's fine with how things are, but eventually SHE will want more from you, want you to leave your wife and kids for her. Are you prepared to do that? Take a look at some threads in this section about what the OW go through...Maybe you will see how selfish you're being by having your cake and eating it too.

 

Sorry to sound harsh but you need a huge wake up call and kick in the butt!!

 

FIX YOUR MARRIAGE or END IT before falling for another woman. GO to marriage counselling, allow you and your wife to re-connect again, or atleast give it your best for your kids sake!

 

If you put the same energy into your marriage that you are putting into your affair maybe you'd be happier and get more results.

[OldEurope]

Hi MConfused...

 

All right. I am going to be one of the first to jump in here. Be forewarned, that on this particular page of the site you find bothe "Other Women" ex and current and as well "Betrayed Spouses" ...and of course the voyeurs..

You will get responses sympathetic and enraged and everything in between...

 

I will go with sympathetic. What you describe is a familiar story and there are examples of people leaving "stale" marriages and finding happiness, and those who regret their actions, finding that a little (or a lot) of effort could have saved the day, the marriage.

 

No one is saying that you should lead a sexless life feeling like you are 60 and living with a roomate. That said, have you talked to your wife and told her in no vague terms that you and she will not last as a couple unless there is more attention paid on her part to your needs?

 

And envisioning what her response might be, do you think that she is so "overwhelmed" with motherhood (as might be the case) that she has unfortunately relegated sex to the back burner (or completely off the stove---sorry, lame metaphor...)? OR, is it her "simpleness", the basic, fundamental incompatibility you feel towards her that is the core of the problem? If it is this latter, then your couplehood is in trouble because couples need like-levels of interests, intellectual and otherwise, to survive. They just do.

 

I would recommend that you take a break from your girlfriend if possible, tell her that you must have time to yourself to think through the future of your marriage. I hope you were up front with the other girl about your marriage, of course, and made no false promises. Please do avoid the drama that you will see on these threads.

 

With maturity, clarity and honesty will all parties involved you will get to the root of your problem and resolve it. But detach for a while--and recover your perspective.

 

PS I must ask: Are the children very young?

 

xo

OE

[Tripper]

Well, MC, the bottom line is you are still married with kids, so you have a responsibility to your children, if not your wife.

I can understand the feelings of excitement with your young lover, but it's not real life; it's stolen moments where the nitty gritty details of life don't intrude.

You may think you can make a go of it with the gf for a long term relationship, but you have some stuff to work out first.

Are you going to stay in your marriage?? If you genuinely feel that there is incompatibility with your wife and it can't be fixed, then what's the point of being miserable for next 25 years. File for divorce and work out the financial aspects of looking after the children and your access to them.

If you want to try to make the marriage work, then you need to tell your wife about your affair so she can make an informed decision and if she wants to stay I think you need to go to MC and get this stuff out.

The bottom line is you really have to give some thought to how you will handle the impact on the kids. It's not fair to screw them up even tho' your marriage is falling apart.

I would also give some thought to being with someone who doesn't have any issues with you being a married man.

[bentnotbroken]

A decent human being doesn't make selfish choices. You should man up and tell your wife. She shouldn't be used just as your maid and nanny, while you have a concubine on the side.

 

If you put the effort into your marriage that you are putting into hiding your affair, who's to say that you can't have amazing sex, four times a night with her. You said that most things about your marriage was good(let's say 80%) are you willing to throw that away for what was missing(20%).

 

Why don't you go to counseling and discuss your feelings with your wife instead of getting your rocks of with a side dish.

[ICallsEmAsISeesEm]

LOL..she's your 'girlfriend?' No she's not - she's your side action. Married people don't have "girlfriends" and "boyfriends." Please.

 

Hitting on the young ones, are you? I guess that makes you feel young and virile and oh so macho. Good for you. Gotta satisfy that ego at all costs, don't we?

 

Yup, it's a shame when women devote themselves totally to the well-being of their children and families. Why, your wife should be shot at DAWN for such a sin.

 

Sorry, my give-a-dam*n's broken for ya, pal.

[bentnotbroken]

Sorry, my give-a-dam*n's broken for ya, pal.

 

 

:laugh:That is too funny :laugh:

[whichwayisup]

Another thought..

 

Reverse the situation and imagine how you would feel if you found out your wife was cheating on you. Imagine your pain, the feelings of betrayal, loss of respect, trust for your wife...

 

Go read in the infidelity section so you can see the otherside of this. The pain a betrayed spouse goes through.

 

Here's a thread you should read:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t127083/?highlight=DazednConfused

 

That's the updated thread.

 

Here's his original thread: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t40398/

 

Maybe you should know that after 2 years of trying to fix the marriage, after finding out his wife cheated on him, had an affair, the marriage is now over.

 

Just something for you to consider before you get in any deeper.

You said that most things about your marriage was good(let's say 80%) are you willing to throw that away for what was missing(20%).

 

I hope this makes sense to you.

 

Ask yourself if throwing away 18 years of history, 9 years of marriage, with kids, family's entwined, friends, relatives, all that you've worked hard for, IS worth throwing away because you found some hot sex with a younger woman who has woken you up sexually.

[bentnotbroken]

Another thought..

 

Reverse the situation and imagine how you would feel if you found out your wife was cheating on you. Imagine your pain, the feelings of betrayal, loss of respect, trust for your wife...

 

Go read in the infidelity section so you can see the otherside of this. The pain a betrayed spouse goes through.

 

Here's a thread you should read:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t127083/?highlight=DazednConfused

 

That's the updated thread.

 

Here's his original thread: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t40398/

 

Maybe you should know that after 2 years of trying to fix the marriage, after finding out his wife cheated on him, had an affair, the marriage is now over.

 

Just something for you to consider before you get in any deeper.

 

 

I hope this makes sense to you.

 

Ask yourself if throwing away 18 years of history, 9 years of marriage, with kids, family's entwined, friends, relatives, all that you've worked hard for, IS worth throwing away because you found some hot sex with a younger woman who has woken you up sexually.

 

 

Perfect post.

[serial muse]

Hello everyone, I have a classic affair for you.

 

First off, I never thought I would be in this situation. I have been with my wife for 18 years, been married for 9.

 

The unfortunate thing is that we have grown apart. I love her dearly. She is a great hommaker, great person, great wife and more importantly mother for our kids. Everyone loves her. But she is so simple and I am not and we have a disconnect. With that said, she and I have grown apart. There is no spark. We have sex maybe once a month and are only 36. I am a very sensual, touch feely (not overbearing). She does not like to be intimate, to kiss, to do much. Her life is family and the home. Its not all bad. We get along but its more cordial like friends. We really do not fight or anything, but it is just not doing it for me. I feel like I am 60 in my relationship. I do not know what to do, and have felt this way for a long time. I do love her.

 

Now, about six months ago, comes a hot, smart, funny, spunky, fun attractive 25 year old into my life. We had sparks right away. You could feel it. I would NEVER hit on her of course. So about a month ago she comes out and tells me she cannot deny the sparks and basically wants to be with me. I felt the same way.

 

I made the trip to her house and we had tremendous sex. Sex 4 times in a night. We did this a few times and our relationship has blossomed, and we have spent tons of time together and talking. We are crazy in lust already and this could go places if I am not careful. She is basically my girlfriend now. She knows my status, she is fine with it. She is scared and we have discussed everything, all the possibilities including breaking it off and or us dating to see if I can improve my marriage and maybe making a change.

 

I just do not know what to do. Should I settle for the sake of kids and commitment if my marriage is lame. Or should I try to get help in my marriage and see if I/we can improve things and go from there and maybe make a change down the road if it does not get better. I feel awful and selfish but I deserve more. My wife is great but something is just not right obviously.

 

Thanks for your input. Just know I am a decent human being, and good provider, husband and father. I want to be happy and minimize pain and risk.

 

MC, I don't see anywhere in your post that you've tried to talk to your wife about this. Instead, you complain that your marriage is "lame", she's too "simple" (whatever that means?! - I suspect it simply means that you've stopped communicating with each other on a deeper emotional/intellectual level, if you ever did), and she doesn't like intimacy. It may well be that you are not well suited for each other, that she's a cold fish and you've been trying and trying to make your marriage better by understanding her needs and discussing, openly and calmly, your own.

 

But I just don't see anything that suggests that, or that you've had the courage to bring up your concerns - in a DIRECT way - to your wife. You need to discuss your issues with not feeling physically loved by her, and, perhaps more importantly, your sense that there's a disconnect between her "simplicity" (again, what?!) and your complexity (I guess). You've been together 18 years. You need to hear from her the reasons why that might not be the case, above and beyond "I'm not in the mood." Is she exhausted from the kids? Does she feel like you try to show her your love in a way that makes her feel loved (not just you)? Have you really made an effort to listen to her and understand her, instead of focusing on why you're unhappy? If you do, you might find that she's not so "simple" as you think. But for God's sake, have a talk with her about this stuff already!

 

Also, you say the OW knows your status and "is fine with it." And yet she's also "scared"? She's not fine. Please read some of the threads in this forum to see the pain and uncertainty OW/OM go through, let alone what BS go through! Nobody's fine here but you. The way things stand right now, you are maximizing pain and suffering. Perhaps you are a decent human being, deep down, but it's still possible to cause a lot of people a lot of unnecessary pain through selfishness and cowardice.

 

It doesn't sound like you're ready to leave your wife. For one thing, you haven't really given her a chance to respond to your issues, and it sounds like you know it. You say you love her. But you also want hot sex. Fair enough. So give your wife the chance to understand what's at stake, and how important this is to you, before you go blaming her for not meeting all your needs. Let her speak about what's going on, on her side, so that you can see if there are things you both need to do, to improve your sex life. Decide who you love, and if it's truly your wife, then be good enough to respect her, care for her feelings and give her a fair opportunity to be good to you, too. Otherwise, you'll never leave this quagmire.

Edited January 5, 2008 by serial muse

[Meaplus3]

Hello everyone, I have a classic affair for you.

 

First off, I never thought I would be in this situation. I have been with my wife for 18 years, been married for 9.

 

The unfortunate thing is that we have grown apart. I love her dearly. She is a great hommaker, great person, great wife and more importantly mother for our kids. Everyone loves her. But she is so simple and I am not and we have a disconnect. With that said, she and I have grown apart. There is no spark. We have sex maybe once a month and are only 36. I am a very sensual, touch feely (not overbearing). She does not like to be intimate, to kiss, to do much. Her life is family and the home. Its not all bad. We get along but its more cordial like friends. We really do not fight or anything, but it is just not doing it for me. I feel like I am 60 in my relationship. I do not know what to do, and have felt this way for a long time. I do love her.

 

Now, about six months ago, comes a hot, smart, funny, spunky, fun attractive 25 year old into my life. We had sparks right away. You could feel it. I would NEVER hit on her of course. So about a month ago she comes out and tells me she cannot deny the sparks and basically wants to be with me. I felt the same way.

 

I made the trip to her house and we had tremendous sex. Sex 4 times in a night. We did this a few times and our relationship has blossomed, and we have spent tons of time together and talking. We are crazy in lust already and this could go places if I am not careful. She is basically my girlfriend now. She knows my status, she is fine with it. She is scared and we have discussed everything, all the possibilities including breaking it off and or us dating to see if I can improve my marriage and maybe making a change.

 

I just do not know what to do. Should I settle for the sake of kids and commitment if my marriage is lame. Or should I try to get help in my marriage and see if I/we can improve things and go from there and maybe make a change down the road if it does not get better. I feel awful and selfish but I deserve more. My wife is great but something is just not right obviously.

 

Thanks for your input. Just know I am a decent human being, and good provider, husband and father. I want to be happy and minimize pain and risk.

 

Hi, Well IMOP you owe it to your wife to try and make your marriage work. You need to talk to your wife and tell her how your feeling. There's MC, IC that you can alway's try. Please by all mean's think of you children here as well. Good luck.

 

AP:)

[KnownTruth]

First off you should never just settle for anything in life. It's not fair to your

wife, kids and yourself.

Have you told your wife you are unhappy in the marriage? Maybe she is feeling the same way. You won't know till you ask.

Is this young OW just a fling or do you really want a relationship with her? Maybe it is just something new and exciting to you but will grow old quickly and you will head back to your wife. Maybe it's not and you have found someone you feel the way you want to with.

You need to decide what it is you want and come clean to your wife either way. She may decide to boot you out the door, but that is a chance you will have to take.

[maritallyconfused]

Wow, Thank you for all the responses. I went to the movies with my family today and came back and there were 11 responses since I posted.

 

I did not get flamed nearly as bad as I thought. I do realize on the surface, this is probably classic male jerkiness in most people's eyes. In no way can anyone really truly justify and affair. I did not ask for, or seek this out.

 

The OW as you guys call it, is a quality person. She understands all my feelings and and I am really surpised she wants any part of it. She knows I will make an effort with my wife and perhaps will be there in the long run if need be. What started as a scandalous tryst (which I Did NOT start, because I do not chase women) has grown into so much more. I do not know what it is and where it will go. It has only been a few weeks and everything is above board- except toward my wife. The OW really has nothing to do with my wife, regarding how I feel.

 

I will be talking to my wife and letting her know all of the things that I feel. She will be floored. She probably feels everything is perfect in our 60 year old way. (which is the whole damn problem, and I dont think having small kids is an excuse) I will not be letting her know about this affair. Although, depending on her reaction and any progress, I will be putting the OW on hold. It has to be that way. My marriage has no intimacy, very little sex, and no common interests, other than the kids. Having kids is simply not enough to stay happily married. I cannot get in that rut. I have been in it most of my marriage. Divorce is not an automatic devastation of families. I am not a wife beater, jerk, substance abuser or anything like that. I would support my kids and be very active in their life whether I am married or not should things end up that way.

 

We have never taken a trip more than a weekend. We rarely go out. We rarely kiss, cuddle, watch tv, have sex. It is awful. Yes she is pretty and nice to everyone, and goes to church and our house is suburban with white picket fences, but is that enough for most I ask? What are we then? What is normal. I have no idea. I dont think I am supposed to feel the way I have for most of our 9 years. I am more complicated than that. I am not a simple enough person to work my little cube job and go home to a very very stale marriage. Some people that will work for, but not me. My wife is a great great woman, I will give her a chance. I will give her a chance to tell me what I can fix. She is a good woman. This is nobody's fault, it is quite possible we just need to snap out of it with a good conscious effort, or perhaps we are just not right for each other. We shall see.

Edited January 5, 2008 by maritallyconfused

[PLAYBRAT]

I won't flame you...but I agree with the others that your W may not know the full extent of your unhappiness. Maybe your wife is sick your "dull" sex life as well.Maybe she wonders what it would be like to be with a man

who rocks her world in bed.

 

I know part of what makes an affair exciting is that you know you aren't supposed to be doing it. If you could see this OW everyday of the week, but never knew when you would ever see your W again, how would you feel? Would it scare you or relieve you?

 

You sound like you know the rights and wrongs of this situation, the

question is..what are you going to do about it?

[whichwayisup]

You have to say goodbye to the OW, not let her wait in the wings to see what happens in your marriage. That means if your marriage doesn't work you're going to run back to her, let alone know she's waiting for you so you won't be alone if your marriage doesn't work. Go read stampdaddy's thread. BIG reality check there, I mean, do you want to put that pain on the OW as well?

 

You really are being selfish, picking and choosing what you're going to tell your wife. Have you thought though, what if someone knows about your affair? Has seen you and the OW? Or, what if the OW gets upset enough and decides to tell your wife?

 

It takes two to tango, so don't put all this on OW. Yes, she knew you were married and went after you, YOU could have said no, I am married. But, you didn't. You chose to cheat on your wife, so that choice was yours and yours alone. The OW doesn't really owe your wife anything, obviously! If she did, she wouldn't have let anything happen between the two of you.

 

It shocks me that NOW you want to work this out with your wife. Just wish you had the talk to your wife before choosing to cheat on her.

 

Please go read the other threads I've suggested for you to read.

[StillSame]

This is nobody's fault.

 

Wrong! Any quality woman will not go after a married man, especially when he has kids. It's definately her (OW's) fault and your fault. Don't deny it.

 

With the OW in the picture, your marriage to this what you described as a great woman, has NO chance.

[bentnotbroken]

Wow, Thank you for all the responses. I went to the movies with my family today and came back and there were 11 responses since I posted.

 

I did not get flamed nearly as bad as I thought. I do realize on the surface, this is probably classic male jerkiness in most people's eyes. In no way can anyone really truly justify and affair. I did not ask for, or seek this out.

 

The OW as you guys call it, is a quality person. She understands all my feelings and and I am really surpised she wants any part of it. She knows I will make an effort with my wife and perhaps will be there in the long run if need be. What started as a scandalous tryst (which I Did NOT start, because I do not chase women) has grown into so much more. I do not know what it is and where it will go. It has only been a few weeks and everything is above board- except toward my wife. The OW really has nothing to do with my wife, regarding how I feel.

 

I will be talking to my wife and letting her know all of the things that I feel. She will be floored. She probably feels everything is perfect in our 60 year old way. (which is the whole damn problem, and I dont think having small kids is an excuse) I will not be letting her know about this affair. Although, depending on her reaction and any progress, I will be putting the OW on hold. It has to be that way. My marriage has no intimacy, very little sex, and no common interests, other than the kids. Having kids is simply not enough to stay happily married. I cannot get in that rut. I have been in it most of my marriage. Divorce is not an automatic devastation of families. I am not a wife beater, jerk, substance abuser or anything like that. I would support my kids and be very active in their life whether I am married or not should things end up that way.

 

We have never taken a trip more than a weekend. We rarely go out. We rarely kiss, cuddle, watch tv, have sex. It is awful. Yes she is pretty and nice to everyone, and goes to church and our house is suburban with white picket fences, but is that enough for most I ask? What are we then? What is normal. I have no idea. I dont think I am supposed to feel the way I have for most of our 9 years. I am more complicated than that. I am not a simple enough person to work my little cube job and go home to a very very stale marriage. Some people that will work for, but not me. My wife is a great great woman, I will give her a chance. I will give her a chance to tell me what I can fix. She is a good woman. This is nobody's fault, it is quite possible we just need to snap out of it with a good conscious effort, or perhaps we are just not right for each other. We shall see.

 

 

 

O.k. I kept my blow torch sheaved until this post. Now I am going to give my opinion on this post. You say your wife is a good woman, yet she doesn't deserve the respect of knowing all that is going on with her marriage so that she can make an informed opinion about her life. YOU made the decision not to do everything that you could(including counseling)to work on your marriage. YOU chose to seek and have sex with another woman(having your cake). Whether she is a quality woman or not is a matter of opinion(maybe you should ask your wife if she thinks she is a quality woman:confused:). YOU have chosen to not tell your wife what you have done(did you at least use protection to protect your wife?), while she has been the good wife and mother(your words)

 

You seem to be the one with the problem. At first you talked about what was missing in your marriage, in the post you talk about you're not simple enough(whatever the F that is) to enjoy your blessings of a loving wife and healthy family. Things that so many would be more than willing to have. You speak about not being happy in your life for nine years...years of wanting more. Your problems have little to do with the sex or lack of in your marriage. It is more about you not being happy from within. You are just using sex as an excuse to screw around.

 

 

You say that you are too complicated to work your "little cube job" and go home to a "stale marriage". That sounds like you aren't happy with any aspect of your life. Those are issues you can't put on your wife and you shouldn't use another woman to fix. It sounds like you need more IC than you do MC.

 

And as far giving your wife another chance to fix something. What is she supposed to fix if she doesn't know what needs fixing? How can she fix you? That isn't her job. By your own admission she is a great lady who is good to you and your family. The only thing that she could work on in your marriage is why you screwed around and you won't even tell her about that. You should tell her so that she can decide if you deserve another chance.

[whichwayisup]

I do not know what it is and where it will go. It has only been a few weeks and everything is above board- except toward my wife. The OW really has nothing to do with my wife, regarding how I feel.

 

You do what it is and you do know where it will go...Though, you have the power to change things NOW. To end it and focus on your marriage. You cannot have an OW on the side and stay married, in hopes to keep your family together under one roof. Sorry, but life doesn't work that way.

 

So the A has only been going on for afew weeks? MORE REASON to end it NOW.

[bentnotbroken]

O.k. I kept my blow torch sheaved until this post. Now I am going to give my opinion on this post. You say your wife is a good woman, yet she doesn't deserve the respect of knowing all that is going on with her marriage so that she can make an informed opinion about her life. YOU made the decision not to do everything that you could(including counseling)to work on your marriage. YOU chose to seek and have sex with another woman(having your cake). Whether she is a quality woman or not is a matter of opinion(maybe you should ask your wife if she thinks she is a quality woman:confused:). YOU have chosen to not tell your wife what you have done(did you at least use protection to protect your wife?), while she has been the good wife and mother(your words)

 

You seem to be the one with the problem. At first you talked about what was missing in your marriage, in the post you talk about you're not simple enough(whatever the F that is) to enjoy your blessings of a loving wife and healthy family. Things that so many would be more than willing to have. You speak about not being happy in your life for nine years...years of wanting more. Your problems have little to do with the sex or lack of in your marriage. It is more about you not being happy from within. You are just using sex as an excuse to screw around.

 

 

You say that you are too complicated to work your "little cube job" and go home to a "stale marriage". That sounds like you aren't happy with any aspect of your life. Those are issues you can't put on your wife and you shouldn't use another woman to fix. It sounds like you need more IC than you do MC.

 

And as far giving your wife another chance to fix something. What is she supposed to fix if she doesn't know what needs fixing? How can she fix you? That isn't her job. By your own admission she is a great lady who is good to you and your family. The only thing that she could work on in your marriage is why you screwed around and you won't even tell her about that. You should tell her so that she can decide if you deserve another chance.

 

Oh yeah you said you aren't a jerk, that too is a matter of opinion.

[whichwayisup]

(did you at least use protection to protect your wife?),

 

IF you did NOT use protection and you trusted that the OW was on the Pill, you OWE your wife the truth because godforbid you catch an STD from the OW (you don't know her that well, let alone know if she's slept with other MM, or what her past sex life is/was like before you came along) so GO to the Dr and get tested!!!!!! I hope for your sake, as well as your wife's sake, you didn't catch anything. Imagine then having to tell your wife not only did you cheat on her, but you gave her a STD!

[Meaplus3]

Wow, Thank you for all the responses. I went to the movies with my family today and came back and there were 11 responses since I posted.

 

I did not get flamed nearly as bad as I thought. I do realize on the surface, this is probably classic male jerkiness in most people's eyes. In no way can anyone really truly justify and affair. I did not ask for, or seek this out.

 

The OW as you guys call it, is a quality person. She understands all my feelings and and I am really surpised she wants any part of it. She knows I will make an effort with my wife and perhaps will be there in the long run if need be. What started as a scandalous tryst (which I Did NOT start, because I do not chase women) has grown into so much more. I do not know what it is and where it will go. It has only been a few weeks and everything is above board- except toward my wife. The OW really has nothing to do with my wife, regarding how I feel.

 

I will be talking to my wife and letting her know all of the things that I feel. She will be floored. She probably feels everything is perfect in our 60 year old way. (which is the whole damn problem, and I dont think having small kids is an excuse) I will not be letting her know about this affair. Although, depending on her reaction and any progress, I will be putting the OW on hold. It has to be that way. My marriage has no intimacy, very little sex, and no common interests, other than the kids. Having kids is simply not enough to stay happily married. I cannot get in that rut. I have been in it most of my marriage. Divorce is not an automatic devastation of families. I am not a wife beater, jerk, substance abuser or anything like that. I would support my kids and be very active in their life whether I am married or not should things end up that way.

 

We have never taken a trip more than a weekend. We rarely go out. We rarely kiss, cuddle, watch tv, have sex. It is awful. Yes she is pretty and nice to everyone, and goes to church and our house is suburban with white picket fences, but is that enough for most I ask? What are we then? What is normal. I have no idea. I dont think I am supposed to feel the way I have for most of our 9 years. I am more complicated than that. I am not a simple enough person to work my little cube job and go home to a very very stale marriage. Some people that will work for, but not me. My wife is a great great woman, I will give her a chance. I will give her a chance to tell me what I can fix. She is a good woman. This is nobody's fault, it is quite possible we just need to snap out of it with a good conscious effort, or perhaps we are just not right for each other. We shall see.

 

You know it really sound's to me like you are very caught up right now in the "Fantasy", lust feeling's that an affair can create. Think about all you have had over the year's with your wife. How do you know this 25 year old woman is going to be the woamn that you want to sleep next to every night? You say you would like to tell your W about how your are feeling. Well do tell her but you must let this OW go or you will never be able to have a fair shot at fixing your Marriage. You need to end this affair now!!

 

AP:)

[StillSame]

Even with protection, catching many different types of STD is still possible.

[maritallyconfused]

It's easy to judge and no doubt everyone has a valuable opinion and is correct in there own way. There is the x factor, though which says nobody lives under my boring roof.

 

I am going to make a very honorable attempt to fix things. If that does not work, I would not stay married to stay married.

 

Divorce does not have to be awful, horrible and devastating. Sometimes people just grow apart. I do hope it works.

 

The OW is a catalyst for feelings and how it "could be". But they really are two separate things. I am old enough and mature enough to realize what it is at the moment will not always be. I just need to take time to see if I can fix things to a desireable extent, make improvements where I need to and settle for the rest. It cannot go on as is.. with or without OW. She just helped me open my eyes and will strive for change.

[bentnotbroken]

Neither woman is the reason you cheated. What is not working, is not working in you. And you are right divorce can be a great thing for both parties, especially one is living a lie because they trust and believe in a spouse who isn't who they thought they were. Your wife might actually find someone to love her kindness and honesty more than you do, and you can get that complicated sex you're looking for with someone who isn't so simple.

[PLAYBRAT]

I know you are getting a lot of harsh replies ...but there is a lot of validity in what is being said here. Many of these posters have lived through the

devastation of an A, and many are still involved in one and trying to free themselves of it.

 

Don;t be shocked if you find yourself here months from now...still embroiled in this situation. An A is NOT easy to break away from...especially once emotions are thrown into the mix. You still have a relatively good chance of ending things and making a real go at your M...but the longer you hold off and the longer you keep the OW in the "wings"...the more devastation it is going to cause everyone.

 

End it now. You deserve it, the OW deserves it....and more importantly your MARRIAGE deserves it.