Should I settle for the sake of kids and commitment if marriage is lame or get help?

[Frances]

It's easy to judge and no doubt everyone has a valuable opinion and is correct in there own way. There is the x factor, though which says nobody lives under my boring roof.

 

I am going to make a very honorable attempt to fix things. If that does not work, I would not stay married to stay married.

 

I would not suggest you stay together for the kids sake but you should work on your marriage for the kids sake, you owe them that. You also owe your wife a bit of respect which I do not see in your post.

 

How old are the children? When did your sex life go to pot?

By the way 60 year olds can still have a good sex life.

[stillafool]

It always amazes me when a man thinks he is the only one bored in a marriage. I'm sure your wife has day dreams about a hard bodied 25 year old making love to her 4 times in one night also but hasn't acted upon it. She is probably unhappy with the sex and bored as hell in your marriage also. I think you should tell her what you've been up to,you just might be surprised by her response.

[sally4sara]

The part about situations like this one where the man felt sexually ignored and has already physically cheated it makes me cringe. I do hope for your sake, OP, that you have made your feelings known about sexual issues to your wife. I have always been amazed at the level of commitment some BS' have when this is a large part of the motivation behind the affair - To be told that the sex just hasn't had that spark or enjoyment as well as not being often enough and so their partner found that spark elsewhere. You're basically being told sex with you is boring and you need to work on it harder for someone who no longer has any right to ask for any effort from you.

 

OP, have you at least lodged a complaint with her prior to your affair and how do you think your wife will react to this?

[OpenBook]

maritallyconfused, if your W put more effort into the lovemaking - wearing lingerie, teasing you, giving you BJ's, etc. - would that make you happy enough to stop receiving it outside your M?

[maritallyconfused]

People, I expected to get flamed a bit here, but let's realize I did not and do not go out searching for affairs. I never imagined I would be here.

 

My marriage has been stale almost from day one.. I am not putting my lovely wife down. I realize whatever problems we have takes two. I am not blaming her. I am going to try to help her make it right, and also to find out what is bugging her if anything..

 

This is nobody's fault. Things happen. People change, people grow apart. I am hoping I can salvage it. Once the baby comes, I am going to get us help because I do not want to put her through undue stress.

[bentnotbroken]

People, I expected to get flamed a bit here, but let's realize I did not and do not go out searching for affairs. I never imagined I would be here.

 

My marriage has been stale almost from day one.. I am not putting my lovely wife down. I realize whatever problems we have takes two. I am not blaming her. I am going to try to help her make it right, and also to find out what is bugging her if anything..

 

This is nobody's fault. Things happen. People change, people grow apart. I am hoping I can salvage it. Once the baby comes, I am going to get us help because I do not want to put her through undue stress.

 

 

If it has been stale from day one, why not leave istead of having children and building a life with a woman so many other men would treasure. " I am going to try to help her make it right", Who is going to help you make it right? "and to find out what is bugging her if anything.." Who is going to find out what it bugging you?

 

And you are wrong this is someone's fault and you are one of the people that is at fault.

 

And did you just say once the baby comes? You are a piece of work. First post, it's just boring sex. Second post, you are not happy with your job or your wife, Third post, your poor wife is pregant and taking care of chilren, including you. God you are a piece of work.

 

You are just a man cheating on his pregnant wife and wants people to think that she is just ignoring your sexual needs, when in fact she is having sex with you and having your babies.

[Mino]

Hi MC, your not going to get flamed, everyone who posted so far is a Bestrayed spouse, they are here to reform you. They are right on one thing, you do need to share your unhappiness with your wife, see if things change. But do not spend half of your life trying to make a marriage work, love shouldn't be that hard.

[Mino]

just wait, by the time they are done with you you will be tripping with guilt. They work together, hoping to save at least one ws, if not their own. Good luck to you

[maritallyconfused]

I hold no blame or grudge or annoyance with anyone's comments here toward me. What did I expect. This is a forum, and I am posting anonymously to see what people think... Know full well most would greatly disagree and not understand all the issues and history.

 

That is to be expected and somewhat encouraging actually. This is a complex matter that has developed over a great deal of time with a woman I love and am trying in my own human way to resolve.

 

This too shall pass.

[StartingOver07]

This is nobody's fault. Things happen. People change, people grow apart. I am hoping I can salvage it. Once the baby comes, I am going to get us help because I do not want to put her through undue stress.

 

Your wife is pregnant?!

 

There are no words for you. By all means, leave your marriage. Your lovely, faithful and "simple" wife can surely do better than you.

[bentnotbroken]

Hi MC, your not going to get flamed, everyone who posted so far is a Bestrayed spouse, they are here to reform you. They are right on one thing, you do need to share your unhappiness with your wife, see if things change. But do not spend half of your life trying to make a marriage work, love shouldn't be that hard.

 

 

Why would you assume I want to reform him. His parents raised him, he chose what kind of man he is and life for him is nothing more than a series of things laid out for his entertainment.

 

All he had to do is be a man and tell her before she invested so many years in a man who never really loved her. Cared for her, maybe. But loved her no. He has been bored with her from the beginning. His post sound as if he believes he is better than she is in so many ways(he's complicated, she's simple, he's exciting, she's boring)

 

She has invested into him, their family and their marriage. She is even having child with him now. Why not tell her before you impregnated her? She deserves to be loved by someone capable of true love. Just leave her and let her find a real man.

[StartingOver07]

Hi MC, your not going to get flamed, everyone who posted so far is a Bestrayed spouse, they are here to reform you. They are right on one thing, you do need to share your unhappiness with your wife, see if things change. But do not spend half of your life trying to make a marriage work, love shouldn't be that hard.

 

I am not a BS. I don't think it takes being a BS to know the difference between right and wrong.

 

That is to be expected and somewhat encouraging actually. This is a complex matter that has developed over a great deal of time with a woman I love and am trying in my own human way to resolve.

 

Oh please. There is nothing complex about your situation. It is a song being sung by millions of married people -- male and female -- every day. "We've grown apart." "We don't share the same interests any more." "I feel so much younger than s/he is." "S/he is content with the 'same ole, same ole' but I am not." "Our sex life is boring/non-existant/etc."

 

Guess what? Marriages ebb and wane. Not every day will feel like the day you first fell in love. Things can get stale, especially if you aren't both working at making them stay fresh.

 

Grow up.

[Mino]

Why would you assume I want to reform him. His parents raised him, he chose what kind of man he is and life for him is nothing more than a series of things laid out for his entertainment.

 

All he had to do is be a man and tell her before she invested so many years in a man who never really loved her. Cared for her, maybe. But loved her no. He has been bored with her from the beginning. His post sound as if he believes he is better than she is in so many ways(he's complicated, she's simple, he's exciting, she's boring)

 

She has invested into him, their family and their marriage. She is even having child with him now. Why not tell her before you impregnated her? She deserves to be loved by someone capable of true love. Just leave her and let her find a real man.

I do agree, Some people are not meant to be married to each other. They both deseave happiness. But the bs on this board seem to think one has to make a marriage work, no matter what. He need to be honest with his wife and give her the respect that she deserves and that is to decide if she even wants to stay with him,

[bentnotbroken]

I do agree, Some people are not meant to be married to each other. They both deseave happiness. But the bs on this board seem to think one has to make a marriage work, no matter what. He need to be honest with his wife and give her the respect that she deserves and that is to decide if she even wants to stay with him,

 

 

Definately. She should have the same options that he has. And in this case I really believe she would be better off without him and he shouldn't be married to anyone.

 

There is no marriage here. There never has been. He admits that he was bored from the beginning which tells me he never gave it his all. He never put a lot of work into it. He just expected her to meet what ever needs he had and to fill what ever empty place he had in him. She can't do that. No spouse can fill what is missing from us, that's an inside job.

 

Maybe she is cold and distant and doesn't want to be overly affectionate, but to tell you the truth, she may be feeling that he has never given her 100% of himself.

 

Thsi is just a sad situation that should not have continued as long as it has, because all he had to do was tell her. Release her from the misery that he has brought to her anyway.

[maritallyconfused]

Again, nobody here knows the complexities. This is a good sounding board, but it is far more complex and far reaching.. I have been nothing but complimentary toward my wife and want it to work. I have loved her and we have a beautiful home in the Dallas suburbs and great children and family.

[Mino]

Again, nobody here knows the complexities. This is a good sounding board, but it is far more complex and far reaching.. I have been nothing but complimentary toward my wife and want it to work. I have loved her and we have a beautiful home in the Dallas suburbs and great children and family.

ok, if its that great, why are you cheating?

[bentnotbroken]

Again, nobody here knows the complexities. This is a good sounding board, but it is far more complex and far reaching.. I have been nothing but complimentary toward my wife and want it to work. I have loved her and we have a beautiful home in the Dallas suburbs and great children and family.

 

 

Then I am confused as to why your penis went on a walk without a leash.

[Mino]

would you mind if your wife got herself a boyfriend? maybe she would like some excitment on the side too? You should come clean with her and tell her you cheated. I would be really pissed if i was told twenty years later " honey, I never really loved you like you should have been loved, ' or Honey, you really never turned my on, but I thought you were a great housewife who cooked really good, and your great with kids, and you kept the house really nice, so that is why I stayed married to you. Oh by the way, I did cheat every so often, and now that the kids are grown I am leaving you, To bad your so old now to start a new life, oh well,...... Please!, man up and give her an opportunitiy to make up her own mind if she wants to stay in the marriage. it not just your choice

[Mino]

Then I am confused as to why your penis went on a walk without a leash.

Oh my god, that is the funniest thing I have ever heard. too funny too cute, A leash !!! heehee , I cant believe it, maybe i buy my mm a leash!!!! hahahah:bunny::bunny:

[bentnotbroken]

would you mind if your wife got herself a boyfriend? maybe she would like some excitment on the side too? You should come clean with her and tell her you cheated. I would be really pissed if i was told twenty years later " honey, I never really loved you like you should have been loved, ' or Honey, you really never turned my on, but I thought you were a great housewife who cooked really good, and your great with kids, and you kept the house really nice, so that is why I stayed married to you. Oh by the way, I did cheat every so often, and now that the kids are grown I am leaving you, To bad your so old now to start a new life, oh well,...... Please!, man up and give her an opportunitiy to make up her own mind if she wants to stay in the marriage. it not just your choice

 

 

 

Bingo. You are keeping her around as a safety net, until you use her up or make her so bitter it will be hard for her to recover and let someone else into her heart who is truly in love with her.

[whichwayisup]

Again, nobody here knows the complexities. This is a good sounding board, but it is far more complex and far reaching.. I have been nothing but complimentary toward my wife and want it to work. I have loved her and we have a beautiful home in the Dallas suburbs and great children and family.

 

If you want it to work, DUMP THE OW and STOP CHEATING ON YOUR PREGNANT WIFE!! My god, she's carrying your child and you have the balls to hook up with a 25 year old hottie because your sex life isn't great right now? Seriously, you need to get to counselling and find out what is broken inside of you. I am sorry that some replies are coming off as harsh, but the reality is, you're acting selfishly and not like a mature and loving husband, let alone a family man. A family man SUCKS IT UP and DEALS with it! A family man talks to his wife, tries to make things better rather than head off for a side dish for afew weeks while his wife is pregnant again.

 

Imagine a man doing this to your own daughter, her husband bailing out on her to screw a hottie while she was pregnant...How would you feel? Bet you'd love to get a shot gun and go after the guy. Well, have some respect for your PREGNANT wife.

 

All I read is how this is noone's fault, that things just changed..Well, having kids changes stuff. Other things get put on the back burner. But usually in time things get better, unfortunately you aren't patient enough to see how things could have turned around.

 

You owe your wife the truth. If she finds out on her own, you're dead meat so speak...

 

Good luck and please, think about the counselling.

[bentnotbroken]

If you want it to work, DUMP THE OW and STOP CHEATING ON YOUR PREGNANT WIFE!! My god, she's carrying your child and you have the balls to hook up with a 25 year old hottie because your sex life isn't great right now? Seriously, you need to get to counselling and find out what is broken inside of you. I am sorry that some replies are coming off as harsh, but the reality is, you're acting selfishly and not like a mature and loving husband, let alone a family man. A family man SUCKS IT UP and DEALS with it! A family man talks to his wife, tries to make things better rather than head off for a side dish for afew weeks while his wife is pregnant again.

 

Imagine a man doing this to your own daughter, her husband bailing out on her to screw a hottie while she was pregnant...How would you feel? Bet you'd love to get a shot gun and go after the guy. Well, have some respect for your PREGNANT wife.

 

All I read is how this is noone's fault, that things just changed..Well, having kids changes stuff. Other things get put on the back burner. But usually in time things get better, unfortunately you aren't patient enough to see how things could have turned around.

 

You owe your wife the truth. If she finds out on her own, you're dead meat so speak...

 

Good luck and please, think about the counselling.

 

 

Yep to everything that you said.

[whichwayisup]

Thanks bent.

 

if marriage is lame

 

This line in your subject title makes me feel ill to my stomach.

 

If your marriage is so lame, why on earth would you and your wife have another baby? I don't understand..

[stbx2007]

Yeah. Counseling. You owe it to your wife to give her a chance. All you need to do is to get her to understand where you're coming from. Maybe she isn't interested in sex because you see her as Supernanny and treat her like that. Can you get all the other stuff from your gf? Its messy. Get help.

Get counseling. Good luck.

[HenryII]

MC, I was in a similar marriage, 18 yrs., 2 great kids but we seemed to drift apartemotionally even though we were very involved with the kids ans a great social lfe. My wife was not "in love" . ,and wanted me to find someone thasat could love me as I loved her.

So, no affairs I know of, we split up .

You can not imagine what I went throiugh when the reality set in that I had lost my family. It is total devistation and ayt least a year of counseling. The life u have will never be the same. U will see everything through different eyes. U will grievr like someone close to u has passed. My daughter had to go to counseling cause she thought she caused it. My son who was older married and moved several states away and don't see each other much. I still suffer from it and it happened 20 years ago!

Are u ready for all this?

Yes , life goes on and there will be somone else in your life, . If u stay with the 25 yr. old , she'l want kids . U ready for that. Then ta. Try to work on what u have.

Try to get connected to your wife again. Try reading marriage builders . google it.