Should I settle for the sake of kids and commitment if marriage is lame or get help?

[bentnotbroken]

Owl your post is right on the money. This is a human being who refuses to except responsibility for his crap. He excepts his penis slid into another woman, but he doesn't except it was his choice and only his. There are no good reasons for using two women to satisfy what is missing within you. The ow is this all powerful,controlling, seductress, who hypnotized him into betraying his family. He had no control what so ever. Sad but true.

 

And on behalf of all the do gooders with flame throwers, thank you.

[sally4sara]

While I appreciate some of the advice here, so many of you are (previously jilted?) flamers who just simply judge based on face value and not knowing all the facts and circumstances and complexities..

 

I cannot blame you, all you know is that which I tell....

 

Regardless, it is a good sounding board. I appreciate it. This is good advice...

 

I am 100 percent focused on fixing things with my wife.. I realize my mistake, I am not proud, but it does take two to get there. If I betrayed a happy marriage, she would divorce me. We know what we have to do.

 

I will squelch the feeling with the OW, and steer clear as much as possible. She loves me and is going to be there and feel for me regardless. Since I work with her it makes it very difficult.

 

Maybe you think I'm trying to flame you here; I'm not. I am trying to point out that you might be killing your chances of success in reconciling with your wife with the way you are handling this. Maybe you don't realize it because part of you wants to leave.

 

Can you answer these questions:

Does your wife know who the OW is and/or that you will continue to see her daily at work?

Does your wife know that you consider the OW to be your soul mate?

Does your wife know that you feel you might even be better in a few ways with the OW?

Does your wife know that the OW is willing to wait in the wings for you to return?

Did you point out to her that she will not be as well financially if things don't work out and that you do not feel obligated to compensate her for breaking your vows?

Have you expressed to her how YOU plan to change how you treat her in an earnest effort to re-build intimacy with her?

 

And my last point is, if you were seduced and therefore less responsible for your part in the affair, will you bring such a thoughtless seductress around your children whose home she set out to disrupt?

[maritallyconfused]

Good points everyone, especially OWL .. I see what you are saying...

 

Sally4Sara,

 

I see some of your points, but who says I would not compensate her? I am a good man. If we ended up divorced. I would give my time and pay my child support. I am not a deadbeat. In my state that would be about $900 per month. I would also cover healthcare for them. That is more than ample compensation.

 

She would not be entitled to alimony or support, as she has a degree and has been working her adult life. She is capable. She would not get my pension, because I am not vested yet. We would sell our house and each get half of the $160K in equity.

 

But that is neither here nor there, but to say I would not compensate her is ludicrous. I will ask myself the other questions, which by the way are logical, and consider them. That money question is a throwaway.

[maritallyconfused]

Points.

 

Does your wife know who the OW is and/or that you will continue to see her daily at work? ..........Yes, and yes...

 

Does your wife know that you consider the OW to be your soul mate?

.....No, and although I feel this could be the case I am not totally sure.

 

Does your wife know that you feel you might even be better in a few ways with the OW? ..........YES

 

Does your wife know that the OW is willing to wait in the wings for you to return?........I believe she has deduced that

Did you point out to her that she will not be as well financially if things don't work out and that you do not feel obligated to compensate her for breaking your vows? ...voided question, in the event of divorce she would be taken care of through settlement and fairness per my previous above comments...

 

Have you expressed to her how YOU plan to change how you treat her in an earnest effort to re-build intimacy with her?.l.... I have and we are taking steps. I am not contacting OW outside of our professional relationship..

 

And my last point is, if you were seduced and therefore less responsible for your part in the affair, will you bring such a thoughtless seductress around your children whose home she set out to disrupt?.....everyone has jumped on me for this.. I am to blame as much as the OW. She is not an evil dirty woman... She and I felt a strong bond from the beginning and we messed up. She is great with kids and very loving and compassionate.

[maritallyconfused]

There is nothing new in this world... I have heard statistics that up to 70 percent of all marriages over 20 years have had bouts of infidelity by either spouse- whether they got caught or not.

 

In fact my father had left my mother at one point for nearly a year and lived with another woman. He came home, my parents worked it out after being separated and they are celebrating their 34th anniversary this year. They are like two high schoolers in love.

 

It is how you recover from this that sets the stage.. There is the old saying that there are two types of "cheaters"

 

Those that do it, and those that get caught. I know many men AND women who have cheated and not gotten caught. I know that does not justify or make it right, but its very common. There are those who cheat regularly in happy marriages.... This was my first.. I was not just sticking my wanker randomly anywhere... I am sorry.

Edited January 16, 2008 by maritallyconfused

[torranceshipman]

Oh for Gods sake man, grow up. What are you, 16? That seduction line is laughable.

 

You're married, you went out and got some action from a hot girl, now you feel bad - nothin too unusual there...so spare us the 'she seduced me' line! Jeez!

 

And seeing the OW for an hour a day is hardly the world's greatest challenge is it...maybe you just need a hobby or something. Or if this is a mid life crisis maybe just a shiny new car would do the trick. Or a toupee, or a gym membership.

 

Sorry but I just can't help myself, lol...you're just asking for trouble with that 'she seduced me' line! Poor poor man seduced by the evil hot girl. Lol...I am laughing quite a bit about that one!

[StillSame]

 

Those that do it, and those that get caught. I know many men AND women who have cheated and not gotten caught. I know that does not justify or make it right, but its very common. There are those who cheat regularly in happy marriages.... This was my first.. I was not just sticking my wanker randomly anywhere... I am sorry.

 

 

No, you're not sorry. You're just sorry you got caught. All you have wrote above is to justify your actions, that's not the behavior of someone who's sorry. You're a classic wayward spouse, even though you think you're "special" because you have this "special" connection to this "special" whorx. You're constantly defending her is disguisting and that's another classic wayward spouse's response as well.

 

Let me ask your some questions:

 

1) how would you feel if it was your wife who cheated (they did it at his partment) and she continue seeing this other man on a regular basis at work? (after all, she's not that happy in he marriage either, is she, but did she cheat?)

 

2) do you really have to deal with her daily? Can't someone take that part of her duty...or yours?

 

Going back to question number one. Step into the shoes of you wife for 5 minutes. She was pregnant and can't barely move, but her husband was at some girl's house doing what he shouldn't have ever done. Now, whenver you're not home on time or whenever you're not home, her heart aches a little because there is a possibility that you're at her place again or having a remantic/emotional connection or conversation with her at work. Now replace the OW with Other Man and your wife is doing that to you. Spend 5 minutes thinking how you would feel. Can you even go there or are you too wayward to do that?

[maritallyconfused]

All I am saying is that I did not seek it out. I work with her, she came at me... strongly and I succombed, and got caught..

 

Also, I only sayd she seduced me one time I believe. I suppose it does sound funny but what can I say...lol (sigh)

[maritallyconfused]

Message for Same... I am not sorry I got caught. I am glad because it is going to make or break a troubled marriage one way or another.

 

No, I cannot get away from her at work. We are partners. We are police officers for a town here in Colorado. We work on the same shift. Thank god we are not partners. I am not leaving my job and neither is she.

 

And honestly, I would be angry and hurt if she betrayed me, but she is understanding and is remarkable and I would be the same due to our mutual reasons for letting our marriage get to this point.

 

Its gonna work, you will see.

[Owl]

So here's my suggestions, since you plan on reconciling:

 

1. Get into marriage counseling...now. Make sure that the counselor is one who understands the impacts of infidelity, and knows how to help a marriage recover from it. Ask him/her his 'plan' for marital recovery in your first session with you...if he can't give you one, or seems to be blowing smoke...get another counselor. Don't waste time getting a good one.

 

2. Go to your local library and look for a couple of books. "Surviving an Affair", "His Needs/Her Needs...", and "20 (Surprsingly Simple) Rules and Tools for a Great Marriage!". Read them, and ask your betrayed wife to read them. Read that last one together...its short, and you can easily do a chapter a night.

 

3. Go cold turkey NC with OW. Send her a letter explaining that you're working on your marriage, and that's impossible if you remain in contact with her. Let your wife read it and approve it before you send it, and make sure that part of that message is that you're working WITH your wife on this new marriage.

 

4. Once you've read those books, all of my advice will make a lot more sense to you. You'll begin to recognize what you're going to have to do to rebuild things with your wife. Start making that happen. It should include learning how to rebuild her trust in you by DEMONSTRATING your new trustworthiness (realize that you're NOT trustworthy now...you wife would be a fool to trust you at the moment). It should include learning to understand the pain you've caused your wife, and learning how to help her deal with it. It should include learning how to affair proof your marriage to prevent this from happening again.

 

Hopefully you get the idea. Here's the bottom line. You need to STOP any kind of blame shifting/dodging/etc... You need to take ownership of the fact that YOU CHOSE TO CHEAT ON YOUR WIFE...and now you need to realize that YOU ARE THE ONE WHO WILL HAVE TO BEAR THE BRUNT OF FIXING THE DAMAGE TO YOUR MARRIAGE AS A RESULT OF THAT CHOICE.

 

Make sense?

[maritallyconfused]

Great advice Owl. I will do that.

 

Now, I still have the issue with working near her. That is not going away. She will not and does not have hard feelings. Although she is in practically in love and is not going away. I need to let her down slowly and nicely.

 

Any thoughts.

[Owl]

Again, you're not going to like my advice. Its not going to be what you want to hear.

 

There is NO WAY your marriage will recover for as long as you work with OW. PERIOD.

 

Your wife will never trust that you're not cheating as long as you remain in any kind of proximity or contact with OW. That's how it is...

 

The bottom line is that if you want to recover your marriage, you are going to HAVE TO find a new job or a way to completely break off contact with OW. PERIOD...its not a gray area. It really is black and white.

 

You need to consider how to manage this.

 

You might consider (though you're going to hate the thought of it) talking with your boss, telling him what's gone on, and ask for assistance in establishing NC with OW.

 

Your other option is to start looking for a position elsewhere...RIGHT now.

 

There you go.

[Owl]

One more thought.

 

You do NOT have to let her down slow and easy.

 

GET THAT INTO YOUR MIND NOW!!!!!

 

You do NOT owe her anything....PERIOD.

 

The only person you "OWE" anything to here is the wife you betrayed.

 

You gave up the rights to worry about OW as a "friend" or any other capacity when you crossed the line into an affair. You need to back off and let her HUSBAND take care of her needs now. Her needs are NOT your concern...stop letting yourself find excuses to keep things going.

[StillSame]

Great advice Owl. I will do that.

 

Now, I still have the issue with working near her. That is not going away. She will not and does not have hard feelings. Although she is in practically in love and is not going away. I need to let her down slowly and nicely.

 

Any thoughts.

 

Why slowly and nicely? When you're being nice to her, you're indirectly destroying your marriage even if you don't see it that way. No contact and no chit chat other than necessary work related stuff.

 

You still didn't answer my quesiton....how would you feel if it was your wife who cheated. Would you handle it better than she did?

[maritallyconfused]

Owl..

 

That is going to represent a huge problem. I cannot leave my job. I work for a good police department. One that is prestigous. It is hard to get a new job. I cannot talk to the Chief. Unfortunately, it could end up in termination or god knows... There is no way they are going to know about it. I just need to tell OW to back off. She is a good person and would not tell anyone or mess things up.

 

I agree to get away would be much better, but it is just not happening. I have come a long road to get where I am at and leaving is not an option- even if it costs me my marriage. I think I can still back off.

 

Stillsame.. I did indicate that I would be devastated but would understand due to the circumstances.

[Owl]

MC-

 

You need to recognize that this is all fallout of your choice to have an affair.

 

You're CHOOSING not to make that happen. It CAN happen...you're refusing to do so. There's a difference.

 

Its not that it can't happen...its that you don't want it to happen.

 

What prevents you from considering a position in another police department, even if it is less prestigious?

 

So...you've made it clear that you value your job more than you value your marriage. I'd suggest that you scrap your plan to reconcile and file for divorce. Your marriage will NOT be recoverable with that mindset.

[bentnotbroken]

Message for Same... I am not sorry I got caught. I am glad because it is going to make or break a troubled marriage one way or another.

 

No, I cannot get away from her at work. We are partners. We are police officers for a town here in Colorado. We work on the same shift. Thank god we are not partners. I am not leaving my job and neither is she.

 

And honestly, I would be angry and hurt if she betrayed me, but she is understanding and is remarkable and I would be the same due to our mutual reasons for letting our marriage get to this point.

 

Its gonna work, you will see.

 

 

 

 

I am a little confused here. In one of your previous post, you said that you had a beautiful home in the suburbs of Dallas, yet you say you are a police officer in Colorado? How does your wife ignore your needs, by the email or snail mail?

[Owl]

That does raise a good question...how do you reconcile:

 

I have loved her and we have a beautiful home in the Dallas suburbs and great children and family.

 

with...

 

We are police officers for a town here in Colorado.

 

Just a little confusing...

[stillafool]

MC-

So...you've made it clear that you value your job more than you value your marriage. I'd suggest that you scrap your plan to reconcile and file for divorce. Your marriage will NOT be recoverable with that mindset.

 

Exactly! OP sounds like he is just staying with his wife for appearance sake. Do not forget he said he was in love with this other woman and feels like she is his soulmate. His W deserves to move on.

[whichwayisup]

We work on the same shift

 

That can easily be changed. You don't have to leave your job as you're a Cop, but you CAN and SHOULD be on the opposite shift from the OW. There is NO good reason why you cannot do this. My H and I know afew Cops quite well, and it IS possible.

[sally4sara]

No, I cannot get away from her at work. We are partners. We are police officers for a town here in Colorado. We work on the same shift. Thank god we are not partners.

 

"We are partners"......then, in the same paragraph...."Thank God we are not partners"

 

I'm leaving this one alone; doesn't add up and here I am without the benefit of an interrogation room

[bentnotbroken]

I guess the inconsistencies can't be explained other than, hmmmm, maybe troll.

[Frances]

I guess the inconsistencies can't be explained other than, hmmmm, maybe troll.

 

 

After a few of his posts I thought he sounded like a troll.

[maritallyconfused]

Not a troll.. Nevermind the details on location. The scenario is the same. Just keeping anonymous,thats all.

[Owl]

Right.

 

I've offered you the best advice I can. Good luck to you.