Should I settle for the sake of kids and commitment if marriage is lame or get help?

[nellstar]

Oh the flaming is funny. You just wait in the bushes like you have all the answers.. Its quite humorous. Its not so cut and dried.. Thanks for trying though.

 

Yes, tell me about it!

 

You should do what you know is best for you, family and OW. If that means getting divorced, so be it. If it means letting go off the OW, you have to let go.

 

People who are not in an A just don't see it your way... they just don't. To you, it's not cut and dry or there is a shade of gray etc.. for them it's all cut and dry or whatever it is to them. You can't expect people to understand your situation if they haven't been in it. And yes, I can see the responses coming already and frankly speaking, I don't care.

[bentnotbroken]

Yes, tell me about it!

 

You should do what you know is best for you, family and OW. If that means getting divorced, so be it. If it means letting go off the OW, you have to let go.

 

People who are not in an A just don't see it your way... they just don't. To you, it's not cut and dry or there is a shade of gray etc.. for them it's all cut and dry or whatever it is to them. You can't expect people to understand your situation if they haven't been in it. And yes, I can see the responses coming already and frankly speaking, I don't care.

 

That's quite obvious, Life is only gray when you make it gray. Any shade of gray there is, you chose.

[maritallyconfused]

Update......

 

Well as you all know the wife knows. She has known for a month. She has really really been struggling but we are WELL on the way to recovery because of our love and our history.. I have realized many things as a result of the affair, and really am recommitted to her, to us, to the family. I think I had a midlife crisis that went full blown cradle to grave in 3 months. We have attacked every thing that has driven us apart over the last few years, and have many laughs and tears over how easy it was and that we did not recognize the problems. It is a shame our problems manifested in me betraying her. It was the perfect storm of circumstances and a horny young and hot lady getting to me at the right time. My statements of boredom and nonsense was just my ploy to justify my actions and talk myself out of my marriage.. What the hell was I thinking!?!? I have the greatest wife, she gives me time and space. She is attractive and a great mother and homemaker.. Once we (and for now we have) fixed the positive feedback loop of emotional togetherness and physical closesness and repair our friendship, we are going to STRONGER than ever. I have to say and believe we are going to turn this into a huge positive.

 

I have established no contact with the OW. However, we still work together at the police department. (This is where it gets interesting)

 

My boss pulled me aside the other day and said there is a perception that we have something going on. He essentially put me on notice that I am being watched, and to basically stay away from her. To not even really look at her, flirt (we never did, but I suppose people pick up vibes) and to really have NC at work. He does not care about my personal life, or if we did, are, or were doing anything. He just said to change the perception. He assured me it will go away, just make sure to not really associate with her at all. I was shocked but am glad, because it is an easy problem to fix, and guarantees that there will be absolutely NC with her from her side. Then I wil not have temptation. As I said, I am also very much committed to my wife and re-establishing the love and trust.

 

They do not KNOW anything has ever happened. It is only perception. I know perception can be reality, but they have no hard facts. So its just observations and hearsay. It means nothing right now. I obviously do not want to lose my job, I have dreamt of being a cop for a long time, so I am going to absolutely debunk their "false" thoughts by totally avoiding her in a friendly way and just be professional. Their thoughts will quickly subside.

 

 

I know I have been somewhat of a troll and a prick to many of you, and I apologize for that. Everything you have all said has come true. I have such guilt and pain and of course my wife has more. I hurt the OW too, even though she knew better. Nobody wins....Tremendous pain and suffering and stress. Its not wortth it. I knew that, and have used you guys as a sounding board. Even though I was stubborn, I did listen and came to reason. I am actually glad I got caught by my wife because I likely would have fallen in love and likely messed my life up with that huge decision. I would have lost the best things in my life. My wonderful wife, kids, and a great home. I am also glad there is a perception of a relationship at work, because that is easy to fix and assures good behaviour by all parties..

 

So in my case, it will work out, but not without a few gray hairs and a ton of stress and a not so fulfiling work environment for a while. That is a small price to pay for one of the biggest mistakes of my life.

 

Thank you.

Edited February 23, 2008 by maritallyconfused

[Laptop2008]

You have lied alot on this board. What about all those other flings you had before that's not linked to your job? Can you fix those too? Are you coming clean about those too with your wife? Guess not.

[maritallyconfused]

Those were all just manifestations of our huge problems. She does not need to know.. YOu are likely a woman, so go ahead and rip me. That is all in the past. We are moving forward.

 

You can rip on me, but the only reason i cheated is because we grew apart, for a long time. We did not take care of each other emotionally or physically, but love each other very much. I am still under 40. We are going to fix this. Divorce was never an option.

[whichwayisup]

That's fantastic news! I do hope you work very hard on making your marriage better, happier and less boring. It takes two to make it exciting, so adore your wife, make her feel special and loved. You also need to make sure you are an openbook too, ANY questions she has about the OW, answer her, don't lie or hide the truth. Be honest always, even if it hurts her, better to hurt out of honesty than another betrayal or a lie.

 

As for the OW, do NC in your head as well. DO not allow yourself to think of her, fantasize about her, worry about her, care about her, nothing. She isn't part of your life anymore.

 

Question, are you and your wife going to seek marriage counselling?

[maritallyconfused]

Thank you for the kind words.... We have been to counselling a few times recently. We have made great strides.

 

This has now caused another problem.. My coworkers have suspected things, and I have had to confess to my Seargent. The Police Chief is also aware (their might be something) andn I am deciding (along with my Seargent) if this is something we should bring up to him.

 

I hope to god this does not cost me my job. I saved alot of face by coming clean to my boss. They knew, not because we were caught, but apparently love was in the air or something. I am very worried as this would be devastating. I have been exempliary aside from all this..

[capri]

The OW as you guys call it, is a quality person.

A 'quality person' does not sleep with another woman's husband, or hurt a woman and her children, or tear marriages apart.

[maritallyconfused]

I understand. I am over it and we are doing ripping on me and her..

[Laptop2008]

A 'quality person' does not sleep with another woman's husband, or hurt a woman and her children, or tear marriages apart.

 

The "quality" of the MM getting involved is even worse, especially if he had numerous affairs before.

[whichwayisup]

This has now caused another problem.. My coworkers have suspected things, and I have had to confess to my Seargent. The Police Chief is also aware (their might be something) andn I am deciding (along with my Seargent) if this is something we should bring up to him.

 

Maybe one or both of you will be transferred..

 

I hope to god this does not cost me my job. I saved alot of face by coming clean to my boss. They knew, not because we were caught, but apparently love was in the air or something. I am very worried as this would be devastating. I have been exempliary aside from all this..

 

I take it there is a policy at work that co-workers aren't supposed to be involved, have affairs? But if two are involved they could easily put them on opposite shifts. (say a regular couple dating no affair)

 

Sadly though that was a chance you and the OW took by getting involved, I'm sure you both knew the consquences were high at work if the bosses and others knew what was going on..

[maritallyconfused]

Well there was only a perception. Perception is not reality without hard evidence.. There was no evidence. I am hoping that by my coming clean and being a man, that will be respected and that mercy will be granted. There is actually no hard and fast policy on paper, but of course they can do what they want with that info.. It was discussed off the record and my boss is very understanding. As long as morale and the team aspect of our shift is not impacted for too long, I have been assured it will blow over.

 

We are moving forward.

Edited February 24, 2008 by maritallyconfused

[Aoife]

Are you sure you're not fooling yourself?? I've just read this thread and it's been barely 2 months that you were in the middle of a full blown affair, yet now you are moving so fast, feeling positive that your marriage will work...these things take time!! I just would worry you get your hopes up that things will run smoothly only to really struggle!! And your wife too!!! Please just be real (rich coming from me I know) and very, very best of luck!!

xx

[maritallyconfused]

Full blown affair of starry eyed lust and hot sex. That is it... I have come to my damn senses.. As I saw my comfortable life with my loving family possibly slipping away. I know what is best for me and my family. My wife and I are working it out.

[stillafool]

Full blown affair of starry eyed lust and hot sex. That is it... I have come to my damn senses.. As I saw my comfortable life with my loving family possibly slipping away. I know what is best for me and my family. My wife and I are working it out.

 

 

How nice for your wife that you are staying with her because you are comfortable. I'm sure she would like some "starry eyed lust and hot sex" too. It's so nice to be needed to cook, clean, take care of your kids and listen to your b-ll****. Why didn't you leave her and free the poor woman so she can finally have some fun too.

[whichwayisup]

I do hope you and your wife can find that passion again. Obviously you loved her enough to marry and have children.

 

Go on date nights, spice up your sex life, make her feel loved, secure and sexy. When two people try to recapture that passion it CAN work.

[Tomcat33]

How nice for your wife that you are staying with her because you are comfortable. Why didn't you leave her and free the poor woman so she can finally have some fun too.

 

 

Because when it comes to cheating men, who will repeat the offence once they are free from speculation and who's emotions change every time the wind blows, comfort takes precedence over love and individual happiness (his and his W's).

[Aoife]

I still think this isn't going to run smoothly despite your confidence.

[maritallyconfused]

It will run smoothly. There is no doubt. We love each other. I had a midlife crisis.. We are tending to each other, and I came to the realization I could lose her and the kids and how great she is. We will tend to each other and do what is necessary. We have a very normal life, great families and a beautiful home. Everything will be fine and we will be stronger for it. I owe her alot and will move mountains for her.

 

To which way is up.. thank you for your kind words and encouragement. We fully intend on doing those things to help the full emotional/physical feedback loop.

[Owl]

So, one question for you, MC.

 

What prevents you from doing this AGAIN the next time communication starts to flag in your marriage?

 

It will...it does. Its cyclical in the vast majority of marriages...mine included.

 

The difference here is that you've cheated...at least a couple of times.

 

You've always gotten away with it.

 

What will prevent you from doing it again in the future?

 

Had you confessed...if your wife knew the truth, she could help you 'safegaurd' your marriage by holding you accountable...which from your situation it appears to me that you sorely need.

 

But there aren't any, and your conscience hasn't been able to stop you up to this point...so what's your plan to avoid it going forward?

[OWoman]

It will run smoothly. There is no doubt. We love each other. I had a midlife crisis.. We are tending to each other, and I came to the realization I could lose her and the kids and how great she is. We will tend to each other and do what is necessary. We have a very normal life, great families and a beautiful home. Everything will be fine and we will be stronger for it. I owe her alot and will move mountains for her.

 

MC I really really really don't want to agree with Owl (again ) but I'm concerned about the pat way in which you say this. It's completely devoid of doubt, of nuance, complexity. It's as if you've done a complete 180 degree turn and the earlier part of your thread just didn't happen. If it really WAS a midlife crisis you'll be aware that those don't go away overnight - they require lots of work, soul searching and the confrontation of issues, rather than the simple denial of them or wishing them away.

 

I'm glad you've made a decision and I wish you well with it, but I do hope you continue to reflect and question and grapple with the issues you clearly had, and I suspect still have, so that any progress forward is really and solid and not simply papering over the cracks which will then fracture the next time - and there WILL be a next time - things start to show strain and stresses.

[carhill]

.....pay special attention to the "boxes". Humorous, but contains an important message

[maritallyconfused]

Owl, it is becase I realized over the stress of these few months of this that I have a wonderful wife and I do not have it that bad. I have been selfish and lucky. My luck ran out and I realize I could have lost the best thing that has happened to me... My wife. I want to be a family with my family.

[Owl]

That explains your choice to stop cheating this time.

 

That doesn't outline a plan to prevent you from cheating again in the future when things are on a downsweep. They WILL be...it goes in cycles.

 

You've got a history of multiple affairs.

 

What are you doing to PREVENT MORE?????

 

Not telling your wife is the BEST way to leave that door open for future affairs. MY plan would be to tell her and enlist her help in rebuilding our marriage to make it even better and to have her help me to stay accountable. That's MY plan...you don't like it, so I'm asking what's YOUR plan?