marlena Posted January 6, 2008 Share Posted January 6, 2008 Star, it's over. There's no point in strategizing anymore. Or planning how to respond if he contacts you. You have to look past him now. I suggest you arrange it so that you don't have to associate with him anymore. When I read about your sitting in the car in the rain waiting for him, texting him and getting no answer, I could feel smoke come out of my ears. That's how p*****ed I was. Star, perhaps you were all wrong about this man. Perhaps you did not know him very well after all. Truly I am sorry. Get mad and don't look back! No one should be treated this way. Link to post Share on other sites
Ariadne Posted January 6, 2008 Share Posted January 6, 2008 I spent 2 hours waiting in my car in the rain for him. I called twice and texted to see where he was, and he never responded. He's getting tough. This is going to be sucky for you, you are going to have to man up. Not much you can do at this point, but tell him you miss him and want to see him one more time before he leaves and stuff like that. Yeah, this is getting bad. Hopefully he'll start missing you and arranges to see you again. He is just going with the plan, and probably noticed that the "friends" thing was not working as he thought. Link to post Share on other sites
Touche Posted January 6, 2008 Share Posted January 6, 2008 He's getting tough. This is going to be sucky for you, you are going to have to man up. Not much you can do at this point, but tell him you miss him and want to see him one more time before he leaves and stuff like that. Yeah, this is getting bad. Hopefully he'll start missing you and arranges to see you again. He is just going with the plan, and probably noticed that the "friends" thing was not working as he thought. You've got to be kidding me! After he stood her up? Yeah, she can tell him that if she wants to be even more of a doormat than she is already being. Sorry, SG but you know I don't normally mince words. You're being a doormat. You waited for TWO hours? I would have waited 15 minutes max and then I would have been out of there....for good. Link to post Share on other sites
Ariadne Posted January 6, 2008 Share Posted January 6, 2008 Hey, You've got to be kidding me! After he stood her up? That is probably what he wants, to get her mad so she never wants to see him again. He is pushing her away, not much she can do, just hope to say goodbye is what I meant. Ariadne Link to post Share on other sites
Touche Posted January 6, 2008 Share Posted January 6, 2008 Hey, You've got to be kidding me! After he stood her up? That is probably what he wants, to get her mad so she never wants to see him again. He is pushing her away, not much she can do, just hope to say goodbye is what I meant. Ariadne Yes, I see what you're saying but I don't even see the point of that now. That was an extremely inconsiderate thing to do, not to mention how rude. In order for Star to retain a shred of dignity here, she needs to just cut this off. Why drag it out any more? Link to post Share on other sites
Ariadne Posted January 6, 2008 Share Posted January 6, 2008 Yes, I see what you're saying but I don't even see the point of that now. That was an extremely inconsiderate thing to do, not to mention how rude. In order for Star to retain a shred of dignity here, she needs to just cut this off. Why drag it out any more? Well, If I loved some guy I'd want to say goodbye before he goes to war. Most likely they are going to meet before he goes. And the fact that he is treating her like that is another indication that he has feelings. Otherwise he wouldn't care and keep her as fwb till he goes. Of course, in order to "retain your dignity" there are women that are going to say, if you want to see me again you are going to have to lick my boots. And a bunch of men are going to buy into that. Oh, she's awesome, she's so strong! Without realizing that that is clearly an indication that they are dealing with an idiot. Ariadne Link to post Share on other sites
Touche Posted January 6, 2008 Share Posted January 6, 2008 So you're saying that he stood her up because he CARES? That's a stretch. Link to post Share on other sites
Nemo Posted January 6, 2008 Share Posted January 6, 2008 And the fact that he is treating her like that is another indication that he has feelings. Otherwise he wouldn't care and keep her as fwb till he goes. You have a strange kind of anti-logic that actually makes sense. Link to post Share on other sites
Storyrider Posted January 6, 2008 Share Posted January 6, 2008 He stood her up because he doesn't want to deal with the interpersonal aspect of the "big goodbye." He would rather take the fall, be the *sshole, and skip the responsibility of saying goodbye to her. Basically, he is wussing out. Link to post Share on other sites
marlena Posted January 6, 2008 Share Posted January 6, 2008 You have a strange kind of anti-logic that actually makes sense. Yeah, she does, doesn't she? Ariadne, You really are sui generis! Love it! Link to post Share on other sites
Storyrider Posted January 6, 2008 Share Posted January 6, 2008 You have a strange kind of anti-logic that actually makes sense. Ha ha! Yes. Link to post Share on other sites
Nemo Posted January 6, 2008 Share Posted January 6, 2008 , be the *sshole, Too true. You can either be the arsehole, or do the arsehole. Personally, I believe it is better to give, than to receive. It's just a life philosophy of mine. Link to post Share on other sites
Storyrider Posted January 6, 2008 Share Posted January 6, 2008 Too true. You can either be the arsehole, or do the arsehole. Personally, I believe it is better to give, than to receive. It's just a life philosophy of mine. Very deep. But from a male perspective, do you think if SG is nice and lovey towards him as per Ariadne's suggestion, he will come around? I think he is probably feeling terrible about himself right now, and that would only make him feel worse and more guilty. He wants to feel nothing. Link to post Share on other sites
sb129 Posted January 6, 2008 Share Posted January 6, 2008 Oh man. I go away for two weeks and I can't believe the turn that this situation has taken. I trawled through that 25 page thread to get the update, and Firstly, I am so so so sorry Star. I am sorry that its happened this way, and I am sorry that I turned out to be wrong about your guy. I thought that he would be able to handle your R and all his external sources of stress, but turns out he can't. I am also sorry that I wasn't here , but it sounds like the rest of LS have done a great job at supporting you. I could say many things, but alot of them have already been said, and I am still not 100% clear on all the finer details. At this stage, I am agreeing with Storyrider. I think the guy got let off easy by ending it with you, but because you were so cool about it, he still got his cake afterwards, ate it, and is now wussing out because he simply can't handle the situation he has created any more. I know you say you are in love with him, but I think you deserve much more than to be messed around by someone who can't deal with the stresses that life throws at you AND have a GF at the same time. I am very disappointed in his behaviour, it shows weaknesses in his character that were possible showing through earlier in hindsight, but could possible have been forgiven had his behaviour been more redeeming. You deserve so much more than this SG. Link to post Share on other sites
Ariadne Posted January 6, 2008 Share Posted January 6, 2008 (Well, I just choose to live in fantasy land, is a nice place.) Link to post Share on other sites
sb129 Posted January 6, 2008 Share Posted January 6, 2008 I am very disappointed in his behaviour, it shows weaknesses in his character that were possible showing through earlier in hindsight, but could possible have been forgiven had his behaviour been more redeeming. Bad grammar and spelling corrected below. I am very disappointed in his behaviour, it shows weaknesses in his character that were possibly showing through earlier in hindsight, but could have been forgiven had his behaviour been more redeeming. Link to post Share on other sites
Nemo Posted January 6, 2008 Share Posted January 6, 2008 Firstly, I am so so so sorry Star. I am sorry that its happened this way, and I am sorry that I turned out to be wrong about your guy. I thought that he would be able to handle your R and all his external sources of stress, but turns out he can't. I am also sorry that I wasn't here , You certainly have a lot to be sorry about. I was going to blame you, but I had faith you would eventually take responsibility. I'm proud of you. Link to post Share on other sites
Nemo Posted January 6, 2008 Share Posted January 6, 2008 At this stage, I am agreeing with Storyrider. Me too. But I reserve the right to change positions if she doesn't keep it up. Link to post Share on other sites
Storyrider Posted January 6, 2008 Share Posted January 6, 2008 Me too. But I reserve the right to change positions if she doesn't keep it up. You just like to play both ends. What an opportunist! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Star Gazer Posted January 6, 2008 Author Share Posted January 6, 2008 (edited) This is what happened: He changed our plans last minute so that he could have dinner with a buddy who is a few steps in the employment drama than my now-ex: he too had gotten out of the military, waited forever for a gig to come through, and is now processing through the employment process (application, testing, testing, and more testing) for some law enforcement gigs...one of which is one a-hole is really interested in. This buddy was up from San Francisco for the weekend because he was more testing on Monday, so this particular visit was "convenient" for BF. He wanted to pick the guy's brain and see what he thought about this one particular employer, see if it was worth it to wait and go through the process, etc. Perhaps I should have been p*ssed that he was putting me off and delaying our evening together for someone else, but at the time I didn't mind being delayed for this purpose. I'm also understanding that I'm not the only one he wants to spend time with before he leaves. Anyway, he said he wouldn't be long and that he'd leave the door open for me to his place so that I could make myself comfortable, do some work on my lappie, whatever (we do this occasionally). He said he'd text me when they were about halfway done with their meal so that I'd have an idea of how they were coming along. Great. So I start heading towards his place (20 minutes away). I'm about to get off the freeway when he calls me and says, "Oh sh*t, I totally forgot to leave the door open... I'm about 5 minutes away, do you want me to go back?" I tell him no, it's okay, I have some errands I can and should do in the meantime, and just to text me as planned so I know when to start heading over. We estimated he'd be done-done and on the way home by 9. There was no hesitation in his voice, it was just like any other day where we made plans. At 9, the stores are starting to close, so I head towards his place. I get there around 9:15 and call him, no answer, VM...tell him that I'm there. About 30 minutes pass, and I call again. Another 30 minutes pass, and I call again. I had also texted him twice with the same messages, thinking that he'd be more likely to see and respond to a text at dinner than to check his VM. But still, nothing. At this point, I'm feeling like a psycho for having to call so many times...and I tell him that in my last message. I fill him in that I had been waiting for him for an hour (at that point), reminded him of the storm outside, reminded him of our plans, and told him that he was sending me the clear message that he didn't want to see me. I also told him that if this is how he treats his "friends," that I want no part of it. I waited another 45 minutes while talking with a different ex (who over time is now truly my friend) about the situation. He convinced me that BF was playing with my head, up to no good, and begged me to go home. He further said that BF is probably doing this to be because he knows he can, or at least to test my resolve - BF knows I love him, so he probably thinks I'll put up with anything. I wanted to stay as long as it took to confront him (I wanted him to see the ANGER and hurt on my face), as well as to get all of my ski stuff that's at his place. But he convinced me to leave...so I did, after waiting 2 hours. I don't understand what's happening here. I don't know if he was legitimately avoiding me, or if something happened. He wanted to be in bed my 11 because he was going skiing early this morning, and I left after 11. He checks his MySpace religiously, and he hasn't done that either. He's never even come close to doing something like this. I thought for sure around 9:30 he'd pick up or call back and say he lost track of time, he was on his way, etc., but to not answer at all, to not call back or even TEXT back (2 seconds!) knowing that we had plans and I had driven over there and was waiting for him... I mean, it would take a HUGE A-HOLE to do that. I'm not sure he has it in him to do that, but then again, he could just be avoiding me or something instead of dealing with our upcoming separation. Either way, I'm going to have to see him eventually to get all of my stuff back. Wow, that's going to be horrible. Edited January 6, 2008 by Star Gazer Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted January 6, 2008 Share Posted January 6, 2008 You know, men always want to be seen as the strong, tough, direct, courageous parachute-into-the-line-of-fire heroes. I would think a military man would be chock-full of that kind of hubris. Yet, he sure turned out to be an immature wimpy little conflict avoider. I'm sorry, Star. I can only hope that you are coming to the conclusion that it's not you, it is sooooo very much HIM. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Star Gazer Posted January 6, 2008 Author Share Posted January 6, 2008 But how does a person who knows you're in love with them treat you so horribly? There wasn't anymore conflict...I was going along for the ride, and he knew it. Link to post Share on other sites
tinke Posted January 6, 2008 Share Posted January 6, 2008 ohhh star gazer, reading this brought back memories. i can recall when this happened to me..similar experiences, taking off without a trace, seemingly knowing i would contact him first. after i was "punished" enough (my word, feeling), he would agree agin to meet, etc. never really stating what the problem is. here i am, many years later writing about how he vanished when we were to marry, only to mention he will be wed soon to another!!!! i can only tell you..take heed in the advice given. it shows poor character on his part. i would think if something did happen to prevent him from contacting you...he would be attempting non-stop at this point to explain and apologize. he has shown you the beginning of capabilities to cause hurt, confusion, and unfortunately, possibly the start of future disappearances. anyone who can so calmly do this, surely can do it again. Link to post Share on other sites
sb129 Posted January 6, 2008 Share Posted January 6, 2008 This is the final straw IMO. He doesn't deserve such gracious behaviour as you have been giving him. He obviously DOES have it in him, because he did it. It is really wierd how he has been so good at keeping you informed, then bam- no contact. There aren't many excuses for that kind of behaviour. Are you OK? Link to post Share on other sites
sb129 Posted January 6, 2008 Share Posted January 6, 2008 You know, men always want to be seen as the strong, tough, direct, courageous parachute-into-the-line-of-fire heroes. I would think a military man would be chock-full of that kind of hubris. Yet, he sure turned out to be an immature wimpy little conflict avoider. I'm sorry, Star. I can only hope that you are coming to the conclusion that it's not you, it is sooooo very much HIM. Hear hear. Completely agreed. I was worried that his lack of ability to face conflict without losing his temper would cause problems with you in the future. Better that he starts showing his true colours now Star. Link to post Share on other sites
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