Trouble Times Two

[RCCDMA]

I am currently in a relationship with a woman who has been married for 4 years. I have been married for 10 years. Neither of us have any children and we are both unhappy in our marriage. From the beggining we discussed the consequences if one of us were to become more attached than the other so my question is this...... Should I risk a telling her that I am ready for the next step? We have twice the trouble.

[bentnotbroken]

Divorce your spouses and let them find someone who will love and respect them. You two deserve to be together.

[Mino]

I agree 100 % , not fair to keep your spouses unhappy while you two find your happiness with each other. Be kind, and get a divorce, you are wasting their life away..... not fair

[JamesM]

I think the question that needs to be answered first is...will you choose each other if you are free to choose?

 

Based on the stories of many here and statistics, this is a real concern. Many who become divorced choose not to stay with the OW/OM. So, while you can answer this for yourself, do you really think both of you will be happy with each other knowing that both cheated on their spouse to be with each other?

[HenryII]

what about commitment? Did u get married in a church.

Does everyone think if u are a little unhappy I'll just go get another one?

Marriage is a lot of work. U have to help each oyher out an d not throw in te towel at the first sign of trouble.

In my first marriage I fell in and out of love with my spouse several times aand loved her for different reasons.

The love u have after going though good times and bad times , because u will have both,gets really strong. U get very attached over time . If u just keep changing spouses all the time u will never experience that.

I think u need to quit the extramatital affair and start working on what u have. There must have been somthing there to make u marry in the first place. WORK on it.

[whichwayisup]

Tell your spouses that you want to get divorced and then pursue a relationship. What you both are doing now is so wrong and cruel.

[RCCDMA]

Good grief, of course we know it is wrong. I had no idea that this forum was so hate filled. Was I married in a church???? What kind of response is that?? Judge not lest ye be judged folks.....

[whichwayisup]

What kind of response do you want? To be told that it's okay to pursue someone else and take it to the next level? Is that fair to your wife? To her husband? Maybe think about the other innocent people who will be affected by the affair.

 

Sorry if my or other responses has been harsh, but maybe you need to end your marriage reguardless of what happens with the OW. I mean, if you and the OW end, would you still stay married?

[whichwayisup]

Noone's post reply's are filled with hate. Harsh, yes. Maybe because some have been cheated upon, or some are trying to get out of an affair and want to open your eyes, or maybe some just generally feel affairs are wrong and if one is unhappy inside a marriage, one has a choice to either fix it, or end. Not to cheat and betray their spouse.

[RCCDMA]

The fact is I made a mistake. I became involved with someone because something was missing. When I married my wife I thought it would be forever. I suppose that possibility is still there. The right thing to do is to tell the truth on both sides. Thanks for clearing things up for me. If only it were that simple.

[whichwayisup]

Did you and your wife ever seek marriage counselling? Does your wife know how unhappy you are? What if you had said to your wife (pre-affair) "I am unhappy and am THIS close to cheating on you because I'm miserable..." Do you think that would have woken her up, so both of you could learn how to communicate again, reconnect and maybe just try to give your marriage a chance to be saved?

 

Bringing someone else into your marriage in hopes that it will patch the problem or make the marriage better somehow will never work as it's selfish lust/love on the expense of one's spouse.

 

What do you want? Have you thought things through? Maybe you need to end things with the MW for a while and talk to your wife. Or end the A and separate from your wife so you can be completely alone to decide what you want.

[bentnotbroken]

The fact is I made a mistake. I became involved with someone because something was missing. When I married my wife I thought it would be forever. I suppose that possibility is still there. The right thing to do is to tell the truth on both sides. Thanks for clearing things up for me. If only it were that simple.

 

 

 

The truth is always simple. It just takes courage to speak it. You made a choice knowing you and the op were married, that's not a mistake. It is fulfilling what you felt was more important than honesty and integrity. You can change that by leaving and giving your spouses the oppertunity to be loved fully and completely by some one else.

[RCCDMA]

Fact is that everything was fine between my wife and I until I took a promotion. The long nights and constant travel deteriorated our relationship and we found ourselves with different interests. We did not have common ground. I know that what I did was wrong but the OW is an employee of the same company and we just had similar problems. I am not making excuses for my actions, nor the actions of the O/W. We were both looking for something and apparently found it. I am sooo confused. I guess I should be fair to everyone and just walk away from them both. My wife will never except it and I can't say that I would expect her to. The O/W may not want to separate from her husband. One day I will get this right.

[Lyssa]

Fact is that everything was fine between my wife and I until I took a promotion. The long nights and constant travel deteriorated our relationship and we found ourselves with different interests. We did not have common ground. I know that what I did was wrong but the OW is an employee of the same company and we just had similar problems. I am not making excuses for my actions, nor the actions of the O/W. We were both looking for something and apparently found it. I am sooo confused. I guess I should be fair to everyone and just walk away from them both. My wife will never except it and I can't say that I would expect her to. The O/W may not want to separate from her husband. One day I will get this right.

 

Hi RCCDMA,

 

It would be a good idea to sort things out on your own without any of them around you but if you want to save the M then talking and working it out with your W would be nice.

 

You said that the OW may not want to leave her H, knowing that would you still want to leave your W?

[bentnotbroken]

Fact is that everything was fine between my wife and I until I took a promotion. The long nights and constant travel deteriorated our relationship and we found ourselves with different interests. We did not have common ground. I know that what I did was wrong but the OW is an employee of the same company and we just had similar problems. I am not making excuses for my actions, nor the actions of the O/W. We were both looking for something and apparently found it. I am sooo confused. I guess I should be fair to everyone and just walk away from them both. My wife will never except it and I can't say that I would expect her to. The O/W may not want to separate from her husband. One day I will get this right.

 

 

If you both found what you want, let your spouses find what they deserve. Confusion only comes when you know what is right and do everything but that. You have helped to create a situation that did not exist before you chose to cheat. Your problem was that you and your spouse were having problems due changes in your marriage. Those could have been worked on and resolved with help and patience, but you added some extra mess. Now you find yourself here on a site with strangers looking for a way to clean it up without hurting yourself too much. Hmmm life sucks some times don't it?

[RCCDMA]

Yes bent sometimes life does suck

 

Lyssa that is a question that I asked myself already. It would seem that the only thing I have come up with is another question? Can I fix things with my wife if I don't tell her? If I tell her would she leave? I am pretty sure the answers are no and yes respectively. What happens with OW? Would she accept an end? Do I want one? And last but not least...... What the hell am I doing?

[melbar68]

RCCDMA: do what ever makes you happy if telling her is what will make your life happier you only live once and if you think you will be happier with that person do it you will regret it if you dont....you look back ten years from now and wish you had if you didnt...do it, go for it

[RCCDMA]

Thanks for the response Melbar. I definitley have some choices to make. Has anyone else on here been in a similar dilemma?

[melbar68]

Dont listen to anyone, yes what you are doing is worng so what life goes on no one is perfect, we all make mistakes and we lear from them, if you cheated you were looking for something you found in this other person, dont be hard on yourself you wont be the first, nor the last go for it be happy

[bentnotbroken]

Dont listen to anyone, yes what you are doing is worng so what life goes on no one is perfect, we all make mistakes and we lear from them, if you cheated you were looking for something you found in this other person, dont be hard on yourself you wont be the first, nor the last go for it be happy

 

 

I think that is what has been said by the majority of the people responding. He should leave and let his wife find someone who can treat her with respect and honesty. You are right, he isn't the first and won't be the last to cheat, but just because others are doing it doesn't make it right. There are people murdering others, and there will always be murders, should he join in that too if it makes him happy?

 

Yes I know that cheating and murder are on two different levels, apples and oranges as it were. But cheating murders the faith and trust that spouses have in each other. It murders an already ill relationship. It murders self esteem, families and honesty.

 

So yes he should leave and do what makes him happy. Thank God no children are involved in this mess and it gives all parties the oppertunity to find happiness with people they truly deserve.

[Lyssa]

Lyssa that is a question that I asked myself already. It would seem that the only thing I have come up with is another question? Can I fix things with my wife if I don't tell her? If I tell her would she leave? I am pretty sure the answers are no and yes respectively. What happens with OW? Would she accept an end? Do I want one? And last but not least...... What the hell am I doing?

 

LOL - I know so well what you mean. When MM was still married to his W, I asked one Q and ended up with another Q.

 

Most people here would tell you that what you're doing is wrong and yes, it is wrong but it's your life - you're the one who is living and going through this.

 

Thanks for the response Melbar. I definitley have some choices to make. Has anyone else on here been in a similar dilemma?

 

You're not the only one in this dilemma. There is quite a few here and also out there who is going through the same thing. MM's M hasn't been the same over the last few years before he met me and they tried to work things out. Divorce came into arguments a couple of times and they got a divorce in 2007.

 

I am not married, never have been so it wasn't hard for me to make a choice. In between the first few months of our R, we had gone NC but not for long. I really think you should give yourself some time alone to figure out what you want.

[White Flower]

Hi RCCDMA,

I think this says it all:

"we found ourselves with different interests. We did not have common ground"

I've been in counseling and when these same words fell out of my mouth my counselor said my H and I are simply two different kinds of people and it was never going to work. Most people who know us say they can't believe I tried to make it work for over 25 years. My bad I guess. I was taught to never give up but I think I should have gotten out a long time ago. If I did, I would still have a retirement plan, a business of my own, and I would be able to keep my house after a divorce. Now that he's gambled it all away I have to start over in my 40s.

 

Anyway, you have no kids and neither does OW. You can try the MC route with your W but if you really believe what you said in bold just end it now and let her find the love of her life as well. Are you now wondering if OW is truly willing to leaver her H?

 

Ask yourself this: If she isn't willing to leave her H for you are you going to stay with your W? If so, will you be completely fulfilled in life with your her? If you answer an honest NO, then you know what to do.

 

The following links are questions and answers regarding reasons people usually divorce. Check them out and good luck.

 

http://coaches.aol.com/love-and-sex/feature/_a/the-nine-symptoms-of-divorce/20061109094709990001

 

http://coaches.aol.com/love-and-sex/wendy-jaffe/staying-married

[LadyDi]

I agree with White Flower. Are you better off with your wife, or without? Are you thinking of staying (if the OW doesn't want to leave her M) just to keep from being alone or lonely? Gotta ask the hard questions!

 

I have been involved in an A, and I don't think I'd mind at all if the MM asked me if I was ready or willing to go to the next step. After all, you have to find out someway. Just ask her. If the MM asked me I would appreciate his frankness and then you can go from there. Just ask her!

[frannie]

Hello there. We don't get many MM posting on this forum

 

I am currently in a relationship with a woman who has been married for 4 years. I have been married for 10 years. Neither of us have any children and we are both unhappy in our marriage. From the beggining we discussed the consequences if one of us were to become more attached than the other so my question is this...... Should I risk a telling her that I am ready for the next step? We have twice the trouble.

 

 

What was said when you discussed the 'consequences' of becoming more attached? What were those consequences said to be? Did either of you say you would be ready to leave your current marriages? In other words, what is this 'risk'..?

 

I mean, is the 'risk' that she'd end the affair, or what..?

 

Not all MW/MOW want to leave their marriages. We really need to know what indications she's given of where she thinks this is likely to go.

 

Also, how long have the two of your been involved?

 

And what is the state of your own marriage? You say you're 'unhappy'... but does that mean there's no way the marriage can work?

 

Anyway, welcome to the forum

Edited January 6, 2008 by frannie
adding

[RCCDMA]

I feel that my marriage is broken but I also have an obligation to support my wife financially. If we separate she will be in a bad spot. I can not stand the thought of my wife suffering for these mistakes. Fact is she is a good woman, nuturing, intelligent, loyal and most importantly she has always been there for me. I know to well the horrors of what I have done b/c my father did the same thing to my mother. She suffered greatly for the mistake that my father made. She remained single, except for me, for 12 years. Eventually my mother married again. She was involved with my stepdad for a year and he was married. He has been a good dad to me and a good husband to my mother for over 20 years. My decisions have not been good ones but I am torn between staying in a bad marriage to save my wife further pain and hurting my wife more than I already have to make myself happy. I have already proven to be selfish but to what degree has not been decided. Has it?