whichwayisup Posted January 7, 2008 Share Posted January 7, 2008 I'm sure if you two split up, you could help her financially. If you have fallen out of love with her and you staying with her is for $$ reasons only, well, that's not a right or fair reason to stay married to her. That's pure pity! Something I'm sure she wouldn't want from you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author RCCDMA Posted January 7, 2008 Author Share Posted January 7, 2008 She would never want pity, she wanted a good husband. I am at a total loss b/c I mentioned our relationship and its growth to the O/MW and she did not respond......at all. She just sat there and went on about her business as usual. I am not looking for support for that relationship but good grief, could I screw anything else up? I guess I need to just keep typing and try to relax for right now. I hate hotels and being on the road... There is nothing to do but think.................................... Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 7, 2008 Share Posted January 7, 2008 Wait a minute, you told her you were having an affair with someone and she didn't react at all? Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted January 7, 2008 Share Posted January 7, 2008 I am currently in a relationship with a woman who has been married for 4 years. I have been married for 10 years. Neither of us have any children and we are both unhappy in our marriage. From the beggining we discussed the consequences if one of us were to become more attached than the other so my question is this...... Should I risk a telling her that I am ready for the next step? We have twice the trouble. I think I would have a serious talk with her before you make any other moves you can regret... Just try to work things out with OW first, then if you both feel you need to be together then start the divorce procedures... But if you feel this is not fair to your wife... then divorce first, and sort things out after... I don't know what you're most comfortable with... but in either case, your wife won't die.. no one dies from a heartbreak... you can't spend the rest of your life in an unhappy marriage. Not fair to you or to her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author RCCDMA Posted January 7, 2008 Author Share Posted January 7, 2008 No I told the O/W of my intentions to expand the relationship and she had no response. I don't have the courage to say anything to my wife right now. We, the O/W and obviously myself, are both married. I guess I expected her to say one of two things. That's great or not going to happen but instead no response. I figured by mentioning to her that I felt the relationship/affair either had to continue to grow or end that it would garner some sort of response. Apparently I was wrong. Link to post Share on other sites
Author RCCDMA Posted January 7, 2008 Author Share Posted January 7, 2008 I orginally thought that this forum was harsh but I see now that there is a ton of support in here. You may not want to hear it but I really appreciate all of the responses I have gotten. There are so many people in here that have been hurt by others. If this forum is taken out of context then it could easily be mistaken for depressing. Truth is there are a bunch of folks on here that understand what this does to people. I have only been on for a few days but have learned quite a bit. Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted January 7, 2008 Share Posted January 7, 2008 No I told the O/W of my intentions to expand the relationship and she had no response. I don't have the courage to say anything to my wife right now. We, the O/W and obviously myself, are both married. I guess I expected her to say one of two things. That's great or not going to happen but instead no response. I figured by mentioning to her that I felt the relationship/affair either had to continue to grow or end that it would garner some sort of response. Apparently I was wrong. Then m y advice to you... back off a little.. let her wonder what you,re thinking.. women like 'independant' men... (men do too) Don't be too clingy or don't open your heart too quickly to her... just let her comes to you... trust me .,. it works every time... Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted January 7, 2008 Share Posted January 7, 2008 No I told the O/W of my intentions to expand the relationship and she had no response. I don't have the courage to say anything to my wife right now. We, the O/W and obviously myself, are both married. I guess I expected her to say one of two things. That's great or not going to happen but instead no response. I figured by mentioning to her that I felt the relationship/affair either had to continue to grow or end that it would garner some sort of response. Apparently I was wrong. That should be a red flag to you, that maybe she isn't feeling the same way you are. Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted January 7, 2008 Share Posted January 7, 2008 I hope that you at least consider that your wife deserves so much more than you are giving her. Even if it financially hard, she does deserve to be truly loved, not place second to another woman Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 7, 2008 Share Posted January 7, 2008 The MW (OW)'s no response, the silence may mean various things, but most of all, she didn't jump into your arms and agree with you, to take things to a higher level. She more than likely is now feeling confused and not sure if she wants to walk away from her husband, the life they created together. Link to post Share on other sites
OWoman Posted January 7, 2008 Share Posted January 7, 2008 The MW (OW)'s no response, the silence may mean various things, but most of all, she didn't jump into your arms and agree with you, to take things to a higher level. She more than likely is now feeling confused and not sure if she wants to walk away from her husband, the life they created together. That is my reading of it too. I'd guess it came out of the blue, that she wasn't expecting it and needs time to consider the implications and what she'd want. Link to post Share on other sites
ICallsEmAsISeesEm Posted January 7, 2008 Share Posted January 7, 2008 RC - you've basically said you'd leave your wife in a NY minute but feel bad for leaving her in a financial lurch. But from all indications, you're claiming you're no longer happy with her. I'm certainly hoping you don't degrade the poor woman even more by staying with her ONLY because your married girlfriend was less than agreeable to moving things to the next level. Like she's "Plan B" or something. THAT would be crappy. Link to post Share on other sites
frannie Posted January 7, 2008 Share Posted January 7, 2008 Well you have a lot to think about, don't you? I am at a total loss b/c I mentioned our relationship and its growth to the O/MW and she did not respond......at all. She just sat there and went on about her business as usual. No I told the O/W of my intentions to expand the relationship and she had no response. I guess I expected her to say one of two things. That's great or not going to happen but instead no response. I figured by mentioning to her that I felt the relationship/affair either had to continue to grow or end that it would garner some sort of response. Apparently I was wrong You say she 'went on about her business as normal', and I'm wondering what the circumstances were when you mentioned about expanding the relationship? What was she doing? Why could she carry on with that and not respond to you? What did you say to her? If you have something really important to say to someone, then you don't just drop it out of the blue, do you..? You wait til you have her full attention, and lead up to it. That way she can't just 'get on with her business'. Communication doesn't seem to be very good between you... or did you not really explain yourself, or what do you think went wrong? I feel that my marriage is broken but I also have an obligation to support my wife financially. If we separate she will be in a bad spot. I can not stand the thought of my wife suffering for these mistakes. Fact is she is a good woman, nuturing, intelligent, loyal and most importantly she has always been there for me. I know to well the horrors of what I have done b/c my father did the same thing to my mother. She suffered greatly for the mistake that my father made. My decisions have not been good ones but I am torn between staying in a bad marriage to save my wife further pain and hurting my wife more than I already have to make myself happy. I have already proven to be selfish but to what degree has not been decided. Has it? I don't have the courage to say anything to my wife right now. You feel that your marriage is broken. Do you have any desire at all to fix it? Or is that dependent on what OW does or doesn't want? I'm not picking on you, just trying to get to the bottom of your feelings here. What if OW says she has no intention of ending her marriage, would that mean you stayed married to your W out of a sense of duty? And resigned yourself to unhappiness? You talk about not wanting to hurt your W, and that is commendable, but... you can't live your life in misery and longing just because of your fear of hurting your W. Not in my opinion. I think you are thinking too much of how hurt your mother was... You're coming across as trying to be 'unselfish' and sacrificing and that really does no one any good, imho. Link to post Share on other sites
Author RCCDMA Posted January 11, 2008 Author Share Posted January 11, 2008 She responded the day following my last post. The response was exactly what I would have expected it to be. Now we both have to do the right thing for a change and see ourselves out of our marriages. I have done a bunch of soul searching to try to explain my actions but when it comes down to it my wife and I were just not meant to be. You never go into a relationship with the intention of hurting someone and least of all not someone that has never done anything to hurt you. I have decided not to tell my wife about the other woman but I have decided to leave. In the long run she will find someone that can make her happy and maybe one day she will thank me for leaving. Through all of this I failed to mention that my wife and I have separated 4 times in the last 3 years and tried unsuccessfully to make it work on each of those occassions. I am not writing this to make myself feel better but some of you have given your honest thoughts regarding the situation that I created and I would like to thank you. I hope each of you finds the person that you were meant to be with forever. Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted January 11, 2008 Share Posted January 11, 2008 She responded the day following my last post. The response was exactly what I would have expected it to be. Now we both have to do the right thing for a change and see ourselves out of our marriages. I have done a bunch of soul searching to try to explain my actions but when it comes down to it my wife and I were just not meant to be. You never go into a relationship with the intention of hurting someone and least of all not someone that has never done anything to hurt you. I have decided not to tell my wife about the other woman but I have decided to leave. In the long run she will find someone that can make her happy and maybe one day she will thank me for leaving. Through all of this I failed to mention that my wife and I have separated 4 times in the last 3 years and tried unsuccessfully to make it work on each of those occassions. I am not writing this to make myself feel better but some of you have given your honest thoughts regarding the situation that I created and I would like to thank you. I hope each of you finds the person that you were meant to be with forever. The least you owe your wife is the truth. You don't have to give her the ow's name, but you should end on a note of honesty. She does deserve to have someone love her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author RCCDMA Posted January 11, 2008 Author Share Posted January 11, 2008 My wife is a good person and I will do nothing to further her pain. All that mentioning another woman will do is bring on feelings of being inadequate that she should not have to suffer. I know I made a mistake but I will not make another by kicking dirt in her face. Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted January 11, 2008 Share Posted January 11, 2008 My wife is a good person and I will do nothing to further her pain. All that mentioning another woman will do is bring on feelings of being inadequate that she should not have to suffer. I know I made a mistake but I will not make another by kicking dirt in her face. And you think lying isn't kicking dirt in her face? When she finds out from someone else she is going to be hurt and angry that you had the opportunity to tell her and you chose not to. How much do you think that is going to hurt? Or is it more about you getting out as unscathed as possible? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 11, 2008 Share Posted January 11, 2008 My wife is a good person and I will do nothing to further her pain. All that mentioning another woman will do is bring on feelings of being inadequate that she should not have to suffer. I know I made a mistake but I will not make another by kicking dirt in her face You need to tell her the truth. I mean, if there was no other woman in your life right now, would you be leaving right now? It is better for HER to know why you're leaving, for another woman, because that is the situation. I just hope for your sake once you leave, it's for good and if the MW decides to balk and not leave her husband, you are okay with being on your own and you don't regret leaving and think that you may have made a mistake. Be at peace for leaving because you want out of your marriage for YOU, not for the OW. Link to post Share on other sites
Author RCCDMA Posted January 12, 2008 Author Share Posted January 12, 2008 True I would like to get out without having to admit to my infidelity however I am trying to think of my wife as well. I have been trying to weigh the effects of the choices that I have and will be making and feel that I need to do something very soon. I think that my marriage is over no matter what the OW decides to do. I only weigh 170 pounds at 5'10" now and when this thing started I was around 195 so atleast I lost some weight. Stress can kill a person. I am generally a happy person but the employees who work for me can see that there is some sort of duress in my life right now. I can not breath without feeling this unbearable weight. How do people ever get married 3, 4 or 5 times? To me it is inconceivable to put your heart through that kind of punishment. I find myself typing right now just to have somebody to talk to. This is pitiful. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 12, 2008 Share Posted January 12, 2008 R, the sooner you talk to your wife, the sooner you can move on with your life. Maybe get some counselling to help you cope with all this too, especially since (and I could be wrong) I think if the OW wasn't in the picture you might be wanting to fix your marriage and try with your wife to make your marriage better. Link to post Share on other sites
Author RCCDMA Posted January 12, 2008 Author Share Posted January 12, 2008 Life is never simple. People make decisions to further complicate life. I make tough choices everyday at work. It is a burden to fire someone who is just not making goal, to care for someone that does not care for you, to turn the other cheek etc etc... You are probably right, I need to talk to someone about this. I have never had any type of counseling but this thread is making me realize that I may need some. I can not imagine how people deal with this sort of thing when they have other problems as well.(Pregnancy, children, money issues, family or personal health issues) This is the type of thing that causes people to make extreme or rash decisions based on emotional highs and lows. Some of those decisions are life altering and I suppose that they are sometimes, unfortunately, life ending as well. I am prone to being a happy person but can not fathom how someone who is suffering from depression or just a negative spin on life can cope. Link to post Share on other sites
indianlover Posted January 12, 2008 Share Posted January 12, 2008 Maybe I'm playing devil's advocate - But I would argue as long as your leaving I don't see a need to tell your wife about the affair. I'm a OW and was a BS. From a BS standpoint, I'm glad he told me because it gave me the choice whether or not to leave him (he was not going to leave me). HOWEVER if you TRUELY have intentions to leave, there is no need to hurt her emotionally by telling her. At least I would have liked to be spared the pain of losing him and realizing our relationship was a shame all in one go. Doesn't anyone else agree? Link to post Share on other sites
OpenBook Posted January 12, 2008 Share Posted January 12, 2008 if you TRUELY have intentions to leave, there is no need to hurt her emotionally by telling her. At least I would have liked to be spared the pain of losing him and realizing our relationship was a shame all in one go. Doesn't anyone else agree? Well, if the concern is really about the BS's feelings, it must be considered that she might find out about it later, through others. How would she feel then? Link to post Share on other sites
indianlover Posted January 12, 2008 Share Posted January 12, 2008 Well, if the concern is really about the BS's feelings, it must be considered that she might find out about it later, through others. How would she feel then? Plausible deniability - I know, I was in denial for a long time and the signs were there. Plus, after the pain of the breakup subsides and there is closure I would argue finding out about an A then would be more like a nail in the coffin instead of a devastating blow during the breakup. I think he should be honest, but I would argue at a later date would be better. Link to post Share on other sites
Author RCCDMA Posted January 12, 2008 Author Share Posted January 12, 2008 I am sure that she would be mortified to think that I was having an affair however she would not have confirmation that it actually began before our marriage ended. As it stands now she knows nothing of the OW. If she knows that I am with someone else later she can only wonder if it began before or after we separated. I have made up my mind that she will not find out from me. There is also no guarantee that the MW in this A will leave her husband. I can be selfish and hope that she does but either way I believe that my marriage has run its course. What would be the difference if she was with a different man after we separate. How would I know that she hadn't been involved before? Link to post Share on other sites
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