bentnotbroken Posted January 12, 2008 Share Posted January 12, 2008 And there you have it, she won't find out from him. Making sure that he is held in as little bad light as possible, with the excuse it's for her benefit. You are divorcing her, why not tell the truth? But if you can stand to look at yourself, why should what anyone else say matter? It's all about you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author RCCDMA Posted January 12, 2008 Author Share Posted January 12, 2008 Yes that's right, it's all about me. Thank you for your enlightening comment. It has changed everything. I think I will run home from work right now and tell her. I do not want to hurt her anymore than necessary. I suppose you have told everyone, everything that you have ever done that could have been interpreted as hurtful. It must feel good to be perfect. Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted January 12, 2008 Share Posted January 12, 2008 Perfection has nothing to do with honesty. And your assumption that I don't own up to what I have done and will do wrong, is only your projecting your inability to do so. No one is perfect, not now, not ever. But does that negate your responsibility to even try to do what is right. I won't even try cause I'm not perfect. Come on it's a cope out and you know it. Your concern for the hurt and pain you might cause her has that added side benefit of not owning what you did to her. You know the "what they don't know, want hurt them mentality" It's o.k. she will find out, it just would have been better coming from someone who says that they at one time loved her, instead of someone who doesn't give a damn about her emotions and just want to see her reaction to something. "Girl, I thought you knew" with a smirk and a smile. Link to post Share on other sites
indianlover Posted January 12, 2008 Share Posted January 12, 2008 BNB, I know where you are coming from and I do believe in most situations honesty is the best answer. But I can't even begin to tell you how much pain the truth in this situation will cause her AND it won't change anything (he'll still leave)! If he is really leaving her - sparing her that pain is the right thing to do. I would have been equally devestated if a friend or my ex had told me he was cheating on me - same act, same pain. If he decides to stay with her then I believe he must tell her the truth and allow her to decide whether or not to stay. Otherwise, spare her that pain and psychological damage, really. Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted January 12, 2008 Share Posted January 12, 2008 We respectfully disagree. I as a former BS, believe that he owes her honesty and the chance at a good life with someone who will really love her. She needs to know that he wasn't as committed to her as she believes and with honesty at least he will gain a measur of self respect, as small as that may be. But he won't tell so there is no reason for us to debate it. Link to post Share on other sites
GreenEyedLady Posted January 12, 2008 Share Posted January 12, 2008 Yes that's right, it's all about me. Thank you for your enlightening comment. It has changed everything. I think I will run home from work right now and tell her. I do not want to hurt her anymore than necessary. I suppose you have told everyone, everything that you have ever done that could have been interpreted as hurtful. It must feel good to be perfect. I hope that you are getting the support you need... I haven't chimed in, because I'm not sure I have any advice and I'm not really sure the best way to support you... I just want to welcome you here and let you know there are those here who will encourage you and support you without making you feel bad, uncomfortable etc...(This is not meant for anyone in particular.) The thing with LS is that there are many outspoken people against OP's/MM/MW...But there are also plenty of people who will help... GEL Link to post Share on other sites
Author RCCDMA Posted January 13, 2008 Author Share Posted January 13, 2008 I understand these topics bring out alot of emotion in people. I am not trying to be short with my responses but I can not breath. The burdens of my actions are weighing heavily on my ability to do just about everything. I am not a bad person, just a person who made some choices. The OW has not really been able to talk to me for about 24 hours. With both of us ending our marriages it is going to be extremely hard. I have decided that I can not tell my wife about the OW and she has decided the same with her husband. We are both going to walk away and see where it leads. I honestly feel that no matter what would have happened with the OW, I would have separated from my wife. I guess you make your bed you have to sleep in it. Soon I will find out just how thin this mattress is. Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted January 13, 2008 Share Posted January 13, 2008 I understand these topics bring out alot of emotion in people. I am not trying to be short with my responses but I can not breath. The burdens of my actions are weighing heavily on my ability to do just about everything. I am not a bad person, just a person who made some choices. The OW has not really been able to talk to me for about 24 hours. With both of us ending our marriages it is going to be extremely hard. I have decided that I can not tell my wife about the OW and she has decided the same with her husband. We are both going to walk away and see where it leads. I honestly feel that no matter what would have happened with the OW, I would have separated from my wife. I guess you make your bed you have to sleep in it. Soon I will find out just how thin this mattress is. Or if you have a mattress at all. Link to post Share on other sites
Author RCCDMA Posted January 13, 2008 Author Share Posted January 13, 2008 I will manage. Neither of us will have financial problems. Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted January 14, 2008 Share Posted January 14, 2008 I will manage. Neither of us will have financial problems. Speaking figuratively, not literally. Finances is only one aspect of living with your decisions. Link to post Share on other sites
sally4sara Posted January 14, 2008 Share Posted January 14, 2008 If the OP has solidly decided to leave even with knowing he will not be with the OW or not, I don't think it is necessary to tell his wife. It would be one thing if his wife thought all was rosy in the marriage, but OP said they've separated numerous times. I'm sure she knows odds are they won't be together till death do they part. Since these problems have surfaced and resurfaced, she won't need the pain of knowing someone else was stepping in and her spouse found more pleasure in someone else's company. I'd only tell her if it she ends up needing more reason to move on. But if you change your mind and decide to stay, you will need to confess. Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted January 14, 2008 Share Posted January 14, 2008 Sorry, I know I am in the minority. So be it, but the truth is always the right thing to do, even after we have screwed up, it isn't always the easiest thing to do, but it is always the right thing in such life changing situations. I think it is clear that these two people shouldn't be together, but to leave her with questions is unfair and cowardly. Link to post Share on other sites
sally4sara Posted January 14, 2008 Share Posted January 14, 2008 Sorry, I know I am in the minority. So be it, but the truth is always the right thing to do, even after we have screwed up, it isn't always the easiest thing to do, but it is always the right thing in such life changing situations. I think it is clear that these two people shouldn't be together, but to leave her with questions is unfair and cowardly. I totally agree with you for the most part. And yes, any questions she puts to him should be answered honestly, even the question of fidelity. But if things end and she doesn't ask........it could be that she doesn't want to know some things on her way out or that she feels the issues she is aware of are enough of a reason. Link to post Share on other sites
Author RCCDMA Posted January 14, 2008 Author Share Posted January 14, 2008 I can not live a lie. I suppose that I should have known it would come up but I was still not ready. I told my wife I was leaving and she did not take it near as hard as I would have thought. She asked if there was someone else and I think my face told the truth before I could open my mouth. We both knew that there would be an end in the near future; I hate the fact that it did not work. I looked elsewhere and whether the MW leaves her husband I think I made the right decision. I have never been married or divorced other than this and I now see why. I told the MW that I did not expect her to make a choice based on what I have done. I told her that if she wants to be with her husband than to be with him. I did not tell her that if she wants to be with me she will need to leave him. I can not be the OM. I guess I am selfish but I just can't do it. I have ended my marriage b/c it was the right thing to do for me. She knows the truth (even though I didn't want to tell her) and I will have to learn to be on my own. I have a feeling that the OW is not going to leave her husband. I hope happiness for me in the future is being thankful for what I have instead of lying in the search for what I want. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 14, 2008 Share Posted January 14, 2008 I'm glad that you talked to your wife. Be alone, sort out your feelings, the loss of the marriage and your wife. Even though you ended it, you'll still have some sadness and miss her, let alone the life you two built together. Forget the MW for a while. Chances are she isn't going to leave her husband and now that you're 'free', that's a real threat to her as the affair isn't fantasy fun anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
Author RCCDMA Posted January 14, 2008 Author Share Posted January 14, 2008 I think you are right about being alone and sorting things out. Regardless of the support that I get from other people I will have to work through things on my own. As for the OW, my actions alone have probably scared her. I don't want to be the cause of her marriage ending. If she is truely unhappy then she will have to decide for herself. Based on what I know her husband does not respect her. I want her to have a better life whether it is with me or not. You are also right about giving myself space from her. For now I guess a bunch of strangers on this thread will be my only outlet. Link to post Share on other sites
Chrome Barracuda Posted January 14, 2008 Share Posted January 14, 2008 (edited) I think you are right about being alone and sorting things out. Regardless of the support that I get from other people I will have to work through things on my own. As for the OW, my actions alone have probably scared her. I don't want to be the cause of her marriage ending. If she is truely unhappy then she will have to decide for herself. Based on what I know her husband does not respect her. I want her to have a better life whether it is with me or not. You are also right about giving myself space from her. For now I guess a bunch of strangers on this thread will be my only outlet. If her betrayed husband cant respect her for neccessarily cheating and lying, How as a man could you??? Why couldnt you tell your wife the whole truth? Will you tell your wife the whole truth? Do yu know that it's all your fault, I mean they say happiness comes from within, It has to come from within not from laying on your back with someone else. But hey it's your life. Edited January 14, 2008 by Chrome Barracuda Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted January 14, 2008 Share Posted January 14, 2008 I can not live a lie. I suppose that I should have known it would come up but I was still not ready. I told my wife I was leaving and she did not take it near as hard as I would have thought. She asked if there was someone else and I think my face told the truth before I could open my mouth. We both knew that there would be an end in the near future; I hate the fact that it did not work. I looked elsewhere and whether the MW leaves her husband I think I made the right decision. I have never been married or divorced other than this and I now see why. I told the MW that I did not expect her to make a choice based on what I have done. I told her that if she wants to be with her husband than to be with him. I did not tell her that if she wants to be with me she will need to leave him. I can not be the OM. I guess I am selfish but I just can't do it. I have ended my marriage b/c it was the right thing to do for me. She knows the truth (even though I didn't want to tell her) and I will have to learn to be on my own. I have a feeling that the OW is not going to leave her husband. I hope happiness for me in the future is being thankful for what I have instead of lying in the search for what I want. So you told her that you cheated? Link to post Share on other sites
Author RCCDMA Posted January 15, 2008 Author Share Posted January 15, 2008 I told her there was someone else. I did not want to but I don't think the look on my face was hiding it very well. She doesn't need to know more than that. I suppose it will make everyone happy to know that she informed me that most of what I owned would now be hers and that I could leave. I did not expect it to be easy but it is done. I will never be able to face her again. Last night I did not think that her reaction was that bad but today she has clarified her thoughts about me. I guess I have it coming. As for the vampire thing that is a little weird. You can hitch a ride with me to counseling, I think we both need it. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 15, 2008 Share Posted January 15, 2008 She doesn't need to know more than that. Fact now she knows you cheated, it's not up to you anymore what she does or doesn't need to know. When she asks you questions about your affair, I hope you answer everything she needs to know. I guess you'll be paying the price for your choice of cheating on her. Definately do the counselling, good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Chrome Barracuda Posted January 15, 2008 Share Posted January 15, 2008 I told her there was someone else. I did not want to but I don't think the look on my face was hiding it very well. She doesn't need to know more than that. I suppose it will make everyone happy to know that she informed me that most of what I owned would now be hers and that I could leave. I did not expect it to be easy but it is done. I will never be able to face her again. Last night I did not think that her reaction was that bad but today she has clarified her thoughts about me. I guess I have it coming. As for the vampire thing that is a little weird. You can hitch a ride with me to counseling, I think we both need it. You should defintely man the F up. Seriously you was man enough to cheat, be man enough to own up to it. What is up with your cowardice. Either she finds out from you, her family members, your family members, friends, someone will tell her, and she'll put it all together. You already stabbed her deeply, you might as well twist it too and finish the job. Cheating isnt right but hey, it's what your doing. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 15, 2008 Share Posted January 15, 2008 she informed me that most of what I owned would now be hers and that I could leave The sad thing is, I'm trying to feel sympathy for you but you created this outcome all by yourself by cheating. If you hadn't and just told her you wanted out, moved out and separated/divorced, then she wouldn't be so pissed at you, feeling betrayed and taking most of what you own. Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted January 15, 2008 Share Posted January 15, 2008 At least she knows the truth about how you really felt about her. Whatever happens now means you are reaping what you have sown. You need counseling and you should be prepared for her anger to take over. Link to post Share on other sites
malaclypse Posted January 15, 2008 Share Posted January 15, 2008 I suppose it will make everyone happy to know that she informed me that most of what I owned would now be hers and that I could leave. I did not expect it to be easy but it is done. This is bull****. Fight for a fair divorce... just because you feel guilty doesn't mean you have to give up all your material possessions. I read your posts and I think even though 'of course' the cheating was wrong, you have tried to do the right thing afterwards, and tried to minimize the pain for everyone involved. Life is hard, and requires tough decisions sometimes... Oh, and I brought a fire-proof vest for the flaming I will get for this post... Link to post Share on other sites
OWoman Posted January 15, 2008 Share Posted January 15, 2008 This is bull****. Fight for a fair divorce... just because you feel guilty doesn't mean you have to give up all your material possessions. Depends on where the OP lives. Some countries' divorce laws are punitive, others more modern. Some focus on blame, others focus on what's going to be best for children (not that that's an issue here) or on fairness. Link to post Share on other sites
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