Trouble Times Two

[Chrome Barracuda]

I have quite a few updates.

 

Wife:

 

She is determined to make this as ugly as possible but I understand. She gutted our bank accounts, kicked me out of the house, told me I had to take the dog and refuses to allow me to come to the house to wash my clothes. She cut off our credit cards and tried to leave me in a bad spot. She even offered to sell me the furniture in our house that I have already paid for. I guess since I caused all of this I should try to accept it but it is hard to see someone so sweet turn so mean.

 

OW:

 

She has been stringing me along with glimpses of what things could be but is scared to leave her husband. I have told her that I am not comfortable with the way things are and that I could not do it. I tried not to pressure her but I have caused so much pain at my own house that I can not stand to continue the affair like this. She has her own set of problems and I think I will let her sort them out before continuing any contact.

 

The only other thing that I can add is that this has not affected my job and I will be receiving a bonus check soon along with a promotion in the very near future. With that promotion will be a moving incentive of some kind.

 

 

Even after all of this you continue to talk to the OW????

 

Why should your wife let you come home? You keep making things worse!!!

 

If you want her meaning your wife to forgive you you must give up the OW! You are addicted to this woman who doesnt give a damn about you. You thrown away your marriage over someone who's garbage!

 

I dont understand.

 

You could have just left your wife for yourself not for someone else.

 

Do you grasp the level of betrayal you have unearthed on your wife and family. Anhd you continue to do it! unbelievable!

 

Leave the OW alone!

Edited January 19, 2008 by Chrome Barracuda

[GreenEyedLady]

Get an attorney and your bank statements...Don't go this alone...

[RCCDMA]

Chrome

 

No offense but you need to read this thread more carefully. I do not want my wife to take me back. I am not asking for forgiveness. I am simply trying to cope. I know I have made mistakes and that my marriage is over. I also know that it is wrong to pursue a MW so I am trying to take steps away from that. This has never been about reconciliation with my wife. It is about survival. I have previously stated that my marriage was over regardless of the MW or not. We were not happy together from the beginning. I came here for support and thank you for your responses but please read the entire thread before making such generalized statements.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Chrome

 

No offense but you need to read this thread more carefully. I do not want my wife to take me back. I am not asking for forgiveness. I am simply trying to cope. I know I have made mistakes and that my marriage is over. I also know that it is wrong to pursue a MW so I am trying to take steps away from that. This has never been about reconciliation with my wife. It is about survival. I have previously stated that my marriage was over regardless of the MW or not. We were not happy together from the beginning. I came here for support and thank you for your responses but please read the entire thread before making such generalized statements.

 

 

Generalized?, buddy, I highlighted your own words!

 

Ok fine you want out of your marriage. Havin an exit affair is a sleazy way of doing that man! If you know you are wrong to pursue a MW, why are you still doing this?, what gives you the right to continue and say it's okay?

 

WTF???

 

And you keep saying, we were not happy, WE were not happy, Huh?

 

I think you were not happy! your wife was apparently, that's why she's acting this way, your destroying something that she loves and you dont seem to give a damn!

 

You say you are attempting to move away from the OW, what movements have you made, you keep talking to her and havent gone NC. What's it gonna take the husband showing up at the job waiting for you as you leave? Him confronting you about his wife?

 

I mean what's it gonna take, is it gonna take letters and pictures showing up at your house and your wife putting a face to the OW???

 

The husband could be following you right now? You think a woman scorned is bad? Shoot you havent even seen have the stuff I have.

 

You sound like a real stand up guy, I really salute you man. Just walking away from the marriage.

 

Why wont you stand up!

[JamesM]

This has never been about reconciliation with my wife. It is about survival. I have previously stated that my marriage was over regardless of the MW or not. We were not happy together from the beginning. I came here for support and thank you for your responses but please read the entire thread before making such generalized statements.

 

The one thing that concerns me is that you may "wake up" and realize that your marriage was not so bad after all. Based on what I have read here and in plenty of life stories, the OW in affairs does not usually turn out to be as special as once thought. And the wife who was not so wonderful suddenly regains her status after the man leaves his marriage and/or is divorced.

 

While you may think this have never been about reconciliation (and you may be correct), let me give you another perspective. It could simply be that your life was not as you wanted, the OW offered what seemed to be a perfect fantasy life, and suddenly "freedom" seemed to be the best option.

 

I do not expect you to agree with me now, but remember some of this advice a few months down th road and decide if life now was as bad as you had thought it was. Having been to the point of breaking up my family, I understand what your thinking is. Having gotten past it and "fixed" my marriage to a degree, I understand how this is not always correct thinking.

 

Please keep us updated. We all learn from other's experiences.

[OWoman]

the OW in affairs does not usually turn out to be as special as once thought.

 

:eek: James! I'm plenty special! :p:p

 

But your more general point is valid - one down that road, it's difficult or even impossible to backtrack, so hard sober judgment is called for at the point of decision making. RC seems pretty clear on where he stands on that, from what he's telling us, and the bitter consequences of that are becoming all too clear to him.

 

RC I know it seems unlikely at this stage that your OW will be leaving her H, but if she does and you do decide to get together, I'd also recommend some counselling at that point. Hey, some counselling at ANY point in these things is not a bad idea. But it does help clarify what belongs where, and helps prevent learned behaviour from one dysfunctional situation being dragged into another situation and rendering that dysfunctional too.

[RCCDMA]

I can only say this one more time. My wife and I have seperated multiple times. She has left me and I have left her - we always reconciled. The difference is this time I am tired and so is she. I expected her to be mad. I expected her to be hostile. I half expected that the MW would not leave her husband and that is fine. I have leveled some expectations for my future with the MW and told her that I can not continue like this and that contact needed to be cutoff until we both collected ourselves.

 

My future will be what I make of it. She will get half of everything if not more and I will still be secure. We have little to no debt and enough money invested that we should both be secure. For awhile anyway. She left the house so that I could come by and get some things. I have rented another home and will enlist the help of some folks to get moved in this week. This is not what I had pictured when I got married but it is the reality that I have created. I am not a bad person and will not feel as such because I left an unhappy relationship.

 

Chrome you are right about her husband and that thought has crossed my mind a time or two. That is exactly the reason that I will stop seeing her if she does not make up her mind.

[JamesM]

:eek: James! I'm plenty special! :p:p

 

 

Yipes! I slipped up.

 

I guess I should have said that the MM many times views the OW as less special than she appeared to be when he first viewed her while married.

 

I in no way want to diminish the OW in all of this. She has her own feelings with which to struggle, and she has much to which I can be sympathetic.

Edited January 20, 2008 by JamesM

[Chrome Barracuda]

I can only say this one more time. My wife and I have seperated multiple times. She has left me and I have left her - we always reconciled. The difference is this time I am tired and so is she. I expected her to be mad. I expected her to be hostile. I half expected that the MW would not leave her husband and that is fine. I have leveled some expectations for my future with the MW and told her that I can not continue like this and that contact needed to be cutoff until we both collected ourselves.

 

My future will be what I make of it. She will get half of everything if not more and I will still be secure. We have little to no debt and enough money invested that we should both be secure. For awhile anyway. She left the house so that I could come by and get some things. I have rented another home and will enlist the help of some folks to get moved in this week. This is not what I had pictured when I got married but it is the reality that I have created. I am not a bad person and will not feel as such because I left an unhappy relationship.

 

Chrome you are right about her husband and that thought has crossed my mind a time or two. That is exactly the reason that I will stop seeing her if she does not make up her mind.

 

 

You should stop seeing her husband or no husband period!!!!

 

You already caused enough damage!!!

 

What more do you need to prove??? What more damage can you do to your already fractured family and children by acting like an imebecile. This OW doesnt care about, never has cared about you!!!

 

Your just a piece on the side to her , a tool that makes her feel special let's be real about it!

 

Move on with your life, treat your wife with dignity and respect and date until after the divorce is final have some self respect for yourself!

[RCCDMA]

Today was another rough one. I had to meet with the lawyers. I feel like everything has gotten away from me. I have to remind myself to smile atleast once a day. I have decided to forgo the counseling as I am not that kind of person. I don't need someone to tell me that everything will be ok. The OW is having some family problems and I don't mean with her husband. We have barely spoken in days but I suppose that was my request. My wife is doing better than I am but she was always the strong one. Go figure???? Trouble times one now from what it looks like.

[whichwayisup]

Let me ask you something..If you could go back, to when you and your wife were happier, before the job and all your business travels got in the way of the marriage, that made you two kind of grow apart...Could you see yourself wanting an affair or divorcing back then?

I just hope you aren't regretting all this now. I get the feeling you still do love your wife..

 

Don't slam the door on the counselling. You should try atleast for afew maybe even 3 sessions. If it doesn't work, then quit, but you never know how helpful it could be to you unless you go..

 

Good luck.

[RCCDMA]

The other woman is now just another woman. I can't talk to her and have nobody nut myself. I will worry about me for now and not anyone else. Yes I still love my wife but will never find happiness with her.

[Chrome Barracuda]

The other woman is now just another woman. I can't talk to her and have nobody nut myself. I will worry about me for now and not anyone else. Yes I still love my wife but will never find happiness with her.

 

Let's be clear. That sounded like you are blaiming your wife for where you at in life right now emotionally.

 

She hasnt abused you, cheated on you, gave you an STD or hurt you in anyway and you want to blame her for you not finding happiness???

 

Dont you see.

 

It isnt her fault!!!

 

It's yours!!!

 

For the last and final time: Happiness comes from within!

 

The affair was about your happiness, it was about your needs, it was about your ego and your profession of love?

 

It wasnt about We, And our marriage.

 

It was all about you.

 

I think that in the long run your wife is gonna find someone stronger, nicer, better looking and treat her better. And you wanna know what, your gonna be jealous about it. Your gonna be stooling in your own self loathing juices rethinking everything you've done. IT's gonna hurt to see her face.

 

When she moves on, and find's someone else. Dont be mad at her.

 

Be mad at yourself.

[RCCDMA]

I meant to use the word "but" in my last post. I am having so much trouble that I can't even spell check properly. On the bright side of things another day of this is in the rear-view mirror. To be perfectly honest I miss the OW something fierce. I know that nobody wants to hear that but I can't help it. We were very close and I talked to her about everything. I was so sure that she would be with me but it looks like I was wrong. My wife has a lawyer, I have a lawyer but that is about all that has happened so far. They require way to much info to get the ball rolling on these things. W-2's, tax returns, pay stubs, property info, home info, vehicle info, bills etc etc..... It should be as difficult for people to get married and maybe the rate of divorces would be lower. People would give up before they got started!!!!

[norajane]

The other woman is now just another woman. I can't talk to her and have nobody nut myself. I will worry about me for now and not anyone else. Yes I still love my wife but will never find happiness with her.

 

If you're confident you've done the right thing, then hold on to the knowledge that the hard work now is necessary to get you to the next chapter of your life. The divorce rate shows that you are not alone. You might read some threads in the Divorce section here to see how others are handling the difficulty divorce process. There are probably other sites out there specifically for people going through divorces.

[RCCDMA]

First off Chrome you don't know me. I am not only nice but I would also say that I am very generous. I am not eagatistical but I would say my looks are above average. I am extremely fit and as has been previously stated I have a job that will more than pay the bills. Quite honestly I know I have made mistakes but due to the fact that you do not know me I doubt very seriously that you are qualified to make most of those statements regarding me. Now that I have gotten past that I would like to say that I hope my wife finds someone exactly as you described. She deserves a life of happiness and one day she will find it. I am not blaming my wife, she is a good woman and was a good wife. Thanks for the post though, I can count one person out of her search for the perfect guy.

 

Another day goes by and after a 19 hour work day I don't know why I am not asleep. I was able to get my finances straight today and have found what I think will be a good house to rent. My lawyer sure is a busy bee, she has found an additional 6 things that she would like me to gather for her. Thank heavan I will have some time this weekend to get some things straight. Oh well that is all for now.

[OpenBook]

It should be as difficult for people to get married and maybe the rate of divorces would be lower. People would give up before they got started!!!!

 

Amen to that! My daughter is reaching the age where getting married is an option, and it greatly worries me. If she asks, I will urge her to get a prenup. It's not much, but it's something!!

[OWoman]

Amen to that! My daughter is reaching the age where getting married is an option, and it greatly worries me. If she asks, I will urge her to get a prenup. It's not much, but it's something!!

 

Luckily my kids share my views on marriage - though that's no guarantee! I had my same views and still landed up making that mistake. At least if MM and I do marry, we'll do it openly with our fingers crossed and have it annulled as soon as the visas are through, so that we can live together out of choice, not out of obligation.

[Chrome Barracuda]

First off Chrome you don't know me. I am not only nice but I would also say that I am very generous. I am not eagatistical but I would say my looks are above average. I am extremely fit and as has been previously stated I have a job that will more than pay the bills. Quite honestly I know I have made mistakes but due to the fact that you do not know me I doubt very seriously that you are qualified to make most of those statements regarding me. Now that I have gotten past that I would like to say that I hope my wife finds someone exactly as you described. She deserves a life of happiness and one day she will find it. I am not blaming my wife, she is a good woman and was a good wife. Thanks for the post though, I can count one person out of her search for the perfect guy.

 

Another day goes by and after a 19 hour work day I don't know why I am not asleep. I was able to get my finances straight today and have found what I think will be a good house to rent. My lawyer sure is a busy bee, she has found an additional 6 things that she would like me to gather for her. Thank heavan I will have some time this weekend to get some things straight. Oh well that is all for now.

 

 

The first thing out of a man who's defensive is, You dont know me...

 

lol.

 

So what?

 

You screwed up, and til this day is still screwed up. I aint going hard at you for no reason. I aint picking on you I'm telling you how it is.

 

Deal with it.

 

You seem to be running away from your problems that can easily be fixed. Let's be real the real reason you want out of your marriage is not because you fell out of love with your wife. Or you cant give her your heart.

 

You want out because you want to screw other people subconsciously. You know how many people I have heard say, it's not you, it's me. or I love you but in love with you.

 

Bottom line your searching for something new, hopping from bed to bed to get it.

 

It is what it is. I aint gonn sugar coat it for you.

 

The quicker you admit it to yourself the better. All my purpose here is to give you food for thought. For your selfish affair ruined and destroyed both marriages and lives. Yeah your gonna say the marriage was already dead, blah blah blah, but who gave YOU the right to put the final bullet in the carcass eh?

[Chrome Barracuda]

Luckily my kids share my views on marriage - though that's no guarantee! I had my same views and still landed up making that mistake. At least if MM and I do marry, we'll do it openly with our fingers crossed and have it annulled as soon as the visas are through, so that we can live together out of choice, not out of obligation.

 

 

Huh???

 

Really if you already gonna go into the marriage with that mindset what's the point of getting married anyway's???

 

You dont trust him?

[Owl]

I can't blame Owoman in any fashion for going into a marriage with her MM with a prenup.

 

Its an insurance policy...and given how MM's last marriage will have to have ended before Owoman and he can be married...its a smart bet too.

[OWoman]

Huh???

 

Really if you already gonna go into the marriage with that mindset what's the point of getting married anyway's???

 

You dont trust him?

 

CB I don't "believe" in marriage. I would feel a hypocrit if I embraced it now that I've fallen in love with someone. Principles are not a matter of convenience to me.

 

That said, why marry at all? Well... MM and I are different nationalities. For him to get a long term residence and work permit in my country, or me to get one in his, we need visas. And the only efficient way of getting those is by getting married - as it is, we'd need to wait the requisite time for all the divorce paperwork (which takes ages in his country - it's instant in mine!) and the prospect of waiting a further several years beyond that to be able to be together is mind-boggling. So yes, we'd likely get married, get the visas and other paperwork done, and then quietly have the marriage dissolved so that we can be together on our own terms, not those determined by the state or the church or "society" or whatever.

 

Owl - no, no prenup - it's not necessary in my country, and it's not worth the paper it's written on in his. In my country the default is "accrual" - each partner keeps what they brought into the marriage, but assets accrued during the marriage are split equally. This of course excludes any child or spousal support awarded during the hearing if such is requested. So you can guess that my country is where we'd want to marry, given our motives...

 

Sorry for the t/j OP...

[CraigAllen]

 

The quicker you admit it to yourself the better. All my purpose here is to give you food for thought. For your selfish affair ruined and destroyed both marriages and lives. Yeah your gonna say the marriage was already dead, blah blah blah, but who gave YOU the right to put the final bullet in the carcass eh?

 

Somebody had to fire the final shot, right? I don't see him wanting his wife back. You're wasting your breath on this one CB.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Somebody had to fire the final shot, right? I don't see him wanting his wife back. You're wasting your breath on this one CB.

 

 

I know and I tried. But some people just dont care.

[CraigAllen]

I know and I tried. But some people just dont care.

 

I really meant that sometimes the marriage is over and that the hurt is already there. I don't think you can convince him he screwed up, because in his mind it really didn't matter. He just didn't care any more.