Trouble Times Two

[Owl]

I agree with Owoman on this one...really depends on where he's at more than anything else.

 

As far as whether or not RC owes his wife any more information...well, that kind of depends. If he's going ahead with the divorce, and still has no intentions of ever reconciling any kind of relationship (marital or friendship or whatever), then there's nothing left to say.

 

If he wants to remain 'friends' or have any kind of amicable contact with his wife in the future, then he's going to have to be honest about what's gone on.

 

Not surprised that his wife 'doubled back' on her reaction to the news that there's someone else. Standard script. It hit her out of the blue, and she had no idea how to react to the news at first. Later, she started processing her emotions and actually started to feel. She's likely to keep going back ond forth on how she feels about everything for several months at least.

[OWoman]

I agree with Owoman on this one...

 

Owl we're going to have to stop this! I've agreed with you, and you've agreed with me, far too often of late! BOTH our credibility is going to be shot! :p:p

 

Sorry OP for the t/j... As you were!

[RCCDMA]

Today has been a day for the books. My wife embarrased me in a public place. Enough said on that. She was totally unapproachable and demanded the impossible of me financially. I knew that this was going to be tough but I had no idea that someone so sweet could turn so quickly. I know, I know..... I had it coming and that I created the situation.

 

On a completely different note the MW has all but told me that she is not going to leave her husband but that she loves me, needs me, and so forth and so on...... One little problem... I have no one to talk to about this situation. I have admittedly been in the wrong b/c if I did not have my wife to talk to I always had the MW. Now I have no wife to talk to and the MW is not available while at home or with her husband. Before you waste the time typing it I know I have been selfish and that I am getting my just deserves but I still don't like it. At first this started as a way to get things off my chest but it has somehow turned into a journal of what is happening minus a few details for anonymity.

[bentnotbroken]

Today has been a day for the books. My wife embarrased me in a public place. Enough said on that. She was totally unapproachable and demanded the impossible of me financially. I knew that this was going to be tough but I had no idea that someone so sweet could turn so quickly. I know, I know..... I had it coming and that I created the situation.

 

On a completely different note the MW has all but told me that she is not going to leave her husband but that she loves me, needs me, and so forth and so on...... One little problem... I have no one to talk to about this situation. I have admittedly been in the wrong b/c if I did not have my wife to talk to I always had the MW. Now I have no wife to talk to and the MW is not available while at home or with her husband. Before you waste the time typing it I know I have been selfish and that I am getting my just deserves but I still don't like it. At first this started as a way to get things off my chest but it has somehow turned into a journal of what is happening minus a few details for anonymity.

 

 

Uh huh.

[whichwayisup]

You need to move out then and stay with a friend or someone in your family.

 

I won't pour salt into your wounds as I'm sure you know what I think...But, I will suggest that you seek one on one counselling to help you cope because the ride you're about to go on isn't going to be fun at all.

 

As for the MW, well, I'm sure she will keep you at arms length, yet still want the affair to go on, but now it will be on HER terms, when she feels like it. Are you prepared for that or are you walking away from her completely?

 

One thing just to think about, if your wife finds out who the MW is, there's a pretty good chance she could tell the MW's husband about the affair.

[RCCDMA]

I don't know if I had alluded to this or not but neither of us know anyone where we currently live. My job pulls us around the country without concern for family. The MW and myself have been very discreet regarding this affair. A P.I. could probably get to the bottom of it with relative ease but aside from that I would be amazed. I have no idea how I will handle myself regarding the MW. She has definitely been taken back by what I have done and I could just about see the brakes being applied. Her husband can not be that bad or she would not have married him to begin with. I will have plenty of time on my hands to try to figure it out. As for the counseling I have to wonder if I will do it or not.

 

1. I am a very happy and upbeat person naturally.

2. This can only last so long.

3. My job keeps me occupied approx. 18 hours per day

 

WWIU/BNB

To be perfectly honest I couldn't stand you the first time I posted here but the fact that you responded at all has been helpful. I am sure that I was one of the last that you wanted to help but thanks anyway.

[Chrome Barracuda]

I don't know if I had alluded to this or not but neither of us know anyone where we currently live. My job pulls us around the country without concern for family. The MW and myself have been very discreet regarding this affair. A P.I. could probably get to the bottom of it with relative ease but aside from that I would be amazed. I have no idea how I will handle myself regarding the MW. She has definitely been taken back by what I have done and I could just about see the brakes being applied. Her husband can not be that bad or she would not have married him to begin with. I will have plenty of time on my hands to try to figure it out. As for the counseling I have to wonder if I will do it or not.

 

1. I am a very happy and upbeat person naturally.

2. This can only last so long.

3. My job keeps me occupied approx. 18 hours per day

 

WWIU/BNB

To be perfectly honest I couldn't stand you the first time I posted here but the fact that you responded at all has been helpful. I am sure that I was one of the last that you wanted to help but thanks anyway.

 

 

Dont worry. Soon your wife will know the truth.

 

She might have gotten a smart P.I. already tailing you. Getting your phone records. Taking pictures.

 

I mean why wont you just tell her. You might make it worse, that's a 50/50 gamble. But in all respect's she will respect you more if you man up and tell the truth!!!

 

Why cant you tell the truth!!!!:mad:

[whichwayisup]

WWIU/BNB

To be perfectly honest I couldn't stand you the first time I posted here but the fact that you responded at all has been helpful. I am sure that I was one of the last that you wanted to help but thanks anyway.

 

Because I was harsh? I will continue to reply to your posts to help you but if you don't want me to, I won't and no offense taken. You have the right to hate to me if it makes you feel better.

 

My suggestion of the counselling was just in the sense you have someone to talk to if things get difficult and you can't handle it on your own.

 

Good luck.

[RCCDMA]

Chrome

 

My wife is a very smart person and I suppose you are right. She probably could find out. The thing is I have already told her that there is someone else. Must I go into details; I think not. She knows everything that I will tell her. If she chooses to find out more on her own then that is up to her.

 

WWIU

I was just not prepared for the truth. I still can't say that I like it but a different view seems to help.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Chrome

 

My wife is a very smart person and I suppose you are right. She probably could find out. The thing is I have already told her that there is someone else. Must I go into details; I think not. She knows everything that I will tell her. If she chooses to find out more on her own then that is up to her.

 

WWIU

I was just not prepared for the truth. I still can't say that I like it but a different view seems to help.

 

Look man,

 

You say must I go into details? Why not? I mean you already commited the crime why not just own up to it. Why increase her level of parenoia? Why torture by keeping the OW facelss?

 

Must I go into details, I think not?

 

WTF?

 

Why not just tell the whole truth and be done with it. You have kids right , supposedly the OW or someone else who's willing to cheat with you will be in your life in some capacity right?

 

Then why continue to hide things, your attempt at controlling the outcome is basically pitiful.

 

When the OWH comes knocking on your door, then how are you gonna circumvent that confrontation?

 

What you do in the dark, will come to the light!

 

Why hide what your doing anymore? Why prolong your spouses pain?

[whichwayisup]

Sometimes the truth is hard to take in...And harsher advice sinks in more later...

 

You are scared that she finds out who the MW is? If she outright asks you WHO the OW is, and you don't tell her, it's just going to make things worse for you. Honestly, I would do everything to make the peace, don't make waves, things are bad enough for you so pissing your wife off will only make things more difficult for you in the long run (and short term as well)..

[OWoman]

I will have plenty of time on my hands to try to figure it out. As for the counseling I have to wonder if I will do it or not.

 

1. I am a very happy and upbeat person naturally.

2. This can only last so long.

3. My job keeps me occupied approx. 18 hours per day

 

RC, counselling can help for exactly those reasons. You're basically happy, but going through a rough situation. You will have lots of time for reflection. Your job keeps you occupied most of your day. This suggests you don't have much time or opportunity to confide in a friend - even if you had someone to talk to - and so whatever conclusions your reflections lead you to, you'd have nowhere to test them, sound them out, listen to what they sound like aloud - aside from here, where you have to anonymise things and only provide headlines, so the picture you present is far from the full story. A counsellor could help with all of that, getting you through this as constructively as possible.

 

I'm sorry things have taken a nasty turn with your W - but I expect that it's exactly because of her "sweetness". She's seeing how years of sweetness got her face rubbed in the dirt, so why would sweetness work for her now? She's hurting badly and is unlikely to shift her behaviour until she's sure you're also hurting badly.

 

As for the MW - yes, you've changed the dynamic irretrievably. It can never go back to what it was. This isn't what she wants, you're forcing her to make a choice she wasn't ready to make and it looks like it's not going to be in your favour. If her H finds out, and breaks with her and she DOES land up with you, it will still be her second choice and there will be anger and resentment, so I can't seem much of a good outcome there.

 

I hope it gets easier for you, but I think that's still a long way off.

[bentnotbroken]

WWIU/BNB

To be perfectly honest I couldn't stand you the first time I posted here but the fact that you responded at all has been helpful. I am sure that I was one of the last that you wanted to help but thanks anyway.

 

 

 

 

I am sorry if the truth offends, but that's all I know to do. We all offer a different side to the same situation. And in rare occasions (Owl/Owoman) we agree.

[Tripper]

I will have plenty of time on my hands to try to figure it out. As for the counseling I have to wonder if I will do it or not.

 

1. I am a very happy and upbeat person naturally.

2. This can only last so long.

3. My job keeps me occupied approx. 18 hours per day

 

 

 

Hello R.. this thread resonates with me as I went through a very similar situation in my own marriage, so I understand the emotional roller coaster that you are riding.

From my own experience I can tell you that had I known the repercussions of an EMA, I would have sooner have put the effort into repairing my M. However hindsight is always 20-20 and there is no brass ring to grab at the end of the EMA.

 

I suggest that you find the time to do some serious work on yourself. Find a good psychotherapist that can help you work on bringing clarity and resolution to the crapola that has accumulated from all of this.

I spent 2 years in therapy and over the past decade reinvented myself as a man and a human being.

 

Tho' you acted poorly in entering into an EMA, you did recognize the need to be honest with your W and end your marriage. Also, I'm not surprised the OW won't leave her marriage. She's obviously thought about all she stands to lose, not just financially, but emotionally and from all the fallout as family and friends learn of what happened.

 

You can't unring the bell. What's done is done. BUT how you choose to move forward and how you will live your life is sort of like a blank piece of paper at this stage. You have the choice of what you write or draw. I hope you can choose wisely. Good Luck.

[frannie]

RCCDMA, for what it's worth, I think you beat yourself up far too much. Yes, you cheated. But you have told your W about it, and are proceeding to divorce. What else could you do that would have been 'better' than that, once the cheating had started?

 

I think counselling would be good for you, because you NEED to see that you are not any more selfish than the next person, and you do NOT need to be punished for falling in love, or cheating, or wanting out of a marriage that was, from what you say, a disaster.

 

Take care of yourself.

[RCCDMA]

Allow me to restate some facts for those who have not been following along.

 

1. I (MM) of ten years was involved with her (MW) of 4 years.

 

2. No kids involved on either side but marriages were supposedly bad.

 

3. We (MW and I) work together so I see her on a regular basis.

 

4. I told my wife the truth minus exact details. Divorce proceedings will follow.

 

5. MW has chosen to stay at home (and just today suggested less contact may be better).

 

6. We know no one in this town as my job keeps us moving. Neither my wife nor I have any kind of support staff.

 

7. I work all of the time and have been trying to pull something positive out of this to no avail.

 

8. I screwed up big time.................................

[Owl]

Don't think you're going to like my advice, but will throw it out there anyway.

 

1. Make a choice on what you are going to do, and stick to it. That means you decide to stay married, or you decide to divorce. Pick one, and work towards it. Drifting isn't a plan. Being with MW isn't part of a choice to stay married. Accept that part too.

 

2. Start actively searching for a job that doesn't require all that travel. Also seek one that puts you and your wife near some kind of family support. (If you have any intent of reconciliation at least. If you're going to D and that's it, then disregard.)

 

3. Honor MW's request for less contact. It sounds like she's trying to reconcile her marriage at least. That's her choice, and one you should uphold, whether or not you agree with it.

 

4. The only positive you're likely to find out of all this is a chance to 'move on' in your and your wife's lives. If you decide to reconcile, the other positive might be a chance to rebuild you marriage on better foundations. Other than that, there aren't any "positives" about cheating...stop looking for the unicorn.

 

5. If your choice is to reconcile, I have other ideas for you. If not, then that's an area I don't know much about.

[Tripper]

7. I work all of the time and have been trying to pull something positive out of this to no avail.

 

8. I screwed up big time.................................

 

What's positive our of this is that you've recognized your fallibility as a human being ie: you screwed up.

 

Now, what are you going to do to move forward and become a better man?? This becomes the real issue and challenge.

[serial muse]

RC, counselling can help for exactly those reasons. You're basically happy, but going through a rough situation. You will have lots of time for reflection. Your job keeps you occupied most of your day. This suggests you don't have much time or opportunity to confide in a friend - even if you had someone to talk to - and so whatever conclusions your reflections lead you to, you'd have nowhere to test them, sound them out, listen to what they sound like aloud - aside from here, where you have to anonymise things and only provide headlines, so the picture you present is far from the full story. A counsellor could help with all of that, getting you through this as constructively as possible.

 

I'm sorry things have taken a nasty turn with your W - but I expect that it's exactly because of her "sweetness". She's seeing how years of sweetness got her face rubbed in the dirt, so why would sweetness work for her now? She's hurting badly and is unlikely to shift her behaviour until she's sure you're also hurting badly.

 

As for the MW - yes, you've changed the dynamic irretrievably. It can never go back to what it was. This isn't what she wants, you're forcing her to make a choice she wasn't ready to make and it looks like it's not going to be in your favour. If her H finds out, and breaks with her and she DOES land up with you, it will still be her second choice and there will be anger and resentment, so I can't seem much of a good outcome there.

 

I hope it gets easier for you, but I think that's still a long way off.

 

Hi RCCDMA,

 

OWoman's post here contains a lot of wisdom. Particularly the bit about why your W's behavior has changed. It's not surprising that she'd respond by rejecting her previous "sweet" behavior - which, in her present turmoil, she may think helped cause this situation, or at least didn't prevent it. Perhaps she resents her own gullibility as much as she resents you.

 

Think about it this way - you've had years to go through the rollercoaster of emotions about leaving your marriage and being with someone else, but she's had only days. It's going to take a long, long time before she can really absorb this, and she'll probably change her mind a billion times about how to be with you, whether she wants your marriage to end, whether she wants more that you grovel or reconcile...she's got an awful lot of "processing" about the true state of your marriage to catch up on, and you've had a BIG head start.

 

That, by the way, is why you may want to consider full disclosure - at least, if she asks. Even though you are filing for divorce, I do believe that you're remorseful and don't want to cause her even more pain. But trust me, a lot of the pain comes from feeling snowed, feeling on the outside, wondering just how much of your life with another person was a lie. She may have such questions, needing to know specifics so that she can process how she feels about things and how she wants to move forward. She may ask them in a harsh way. But will you answer them?

 

And please do consider counseling. It helps a lot to talk to someone. LS is great, but nothing compares to pouring out your heart in person and getting calm, sage advice. If you truly have no one else, counseling may be incredibly helpful.

[child_of_isis]

That was my thought also.

 

I am also thinking that he is not going to leave one unless he is "sure" he has one to fall back on.

 

Typical of a man who is not strong enough to stand on his own. He needs a woman to prop him up......It doesn't really matter which woman. If the bottom falls out of one R, he'll just take the other.

 

It reminds me when Matty said..."If my W would have kicked me out, I wouldn't have had a choice but to go to OW."

RC - you've basically said you'd leave your wife in a NY minute but feel bad for leaving her in a financial lurch. But from all indications, you're claiming you're no longer happy with her.

 

I'm certainly hoping you don't degrade the poor woman even more by staying with her ONLY because your married girlfriend was less than agreeable to moving things to the next level. Like she's "Plan B" or something.

 

THAT would be crappy.

[RCCDMA]

First of all I am not wavering from my decision to split from my wife. Our relationship is such that it would not be healthy for either of us to stay in it. She would not want to reconcile regardless of whether or not I did. I can not change jobs. I have too many years invested with this company and what I percieve to be a very bright future. As an update:

 

The MW and I met briefely yesterday and I informed her that I did not want to be responsible for her marriage ending. I also told her that mine had nothing to do with her but that it was inevitable considering the history I have with my wife.

[Frances]

wrong post

Edited January 17, 2008 by Frances

[RCCDMA]

I have quite a few updates.

 

Wife:

 

She is determined to make this as ugly as possible but I understand. She gutted our bank accounts, kicked me out of the house, told me I had to take the dog and refuses to allow me to come to the house to wash my clothes. She cut off our credit cards and tried to leave me in a bad spot. She even offered to sell me the furniture in our house that I have already paid for. I guess since I caused all of this I should try to accept it but it is hard to see someone so sweet turn so mean.

 

OW:

 

She has been stringing me along with glimpses of what things could be but is scared to leave her husband. I have told her that I am not comfortable with the way things are and that I could not do it. I tried not to pressure her but I have caused so much pain at my own house that I can not stand to continue the affair like this. She has her own set of problems and I think I will let her sort them out before continuing any contact.

 

The only other thing that I can add is that this has not affected my job and I will be receiving a bonus check soon along with a promotion in the very near future. With that promotion will be a moving incentive of some kind.

[whichwayisup]

I guess since I caused all of this I should try to accept it but it is hard to see someone so sweet turn so mean.

 

Yes and I hope you understand her feelings of betrayal by you, that's why she's reacting this way, raw emotion, pain and shock. She's angry as heck so just stay out of her way, maybe once the angry diffuses, she'll speak to you abit more calmly.

[norajane]

I've read through this whole thread, and this has stuck with me from the beginning:

 

Fact is that everything was fine between my wife and I until I took a promotion. The long nights and constant travel deteriorated our relationship

I hope your job is satisfying enough that relationships don't matter anymore, because that's all you are leaving yourself with. Things worked with MW because you two worked together. If either you or MW had left the job and still tried to be together, it would have ended up the same way...the relationship would have eventually deteriorated.

 

I know you've decided to leave your wife, but I can't help wondering if you would have ever drifted so far apart if you had not been gone so much of the time with travel and long hours. Like, maybe you aren't so different from who you were when you were in love and got married, but it's just that you've lost all the intimacy because you're never around each other anymore. Like, maybe you could even reconcile and find the love that you had when you married because the only reason you lost it in the first place was the kind of workstyle you signed up for.

 

Anyway, my primary point is that your workaholic lifestyle and love relationships don't mix well at all. I worked in the consulting industry for many years and have watched the marriages of many of my friends fail because the couples don't spend any time together. And I've watched other marriages stay "fine", although with cheating by the partner doing all the traveling as long as the cheating was only one night stands and short term relationships with little emotional attachment - those BS's never knew about the cheating since it was all done out of town.

 

One thing to consider for your next chapter is that it will be difficult to sustain a healthy, emotional connection with a woman if you plan to continue your lifestyle. You might want to consider what is most important to you, and someday consider changing your job in some way so that you can actually be present within a relationship.

 

Good luck to you.