Author RCCDMA Posted January 26, 2008 Author Share Posted January 26, 2008 I understand that I had no right to "Fire the final bullet". I also know that I was not happy and I chose to go elsewhere to try to find happiness. Life is about choices, good or bad, and I can not commit to whether or not my choices have been either. My wife may find someone that makes her happy (Good). I may find someone that makes me happy (Good). I may have ruined it for both of us ( Bad). I am sorry that I allowed things to get to where they are. I should have tried harder in my marriage but I didn't. I wish that the MW and I had met under different circumstances but we didn't. I wish that I could have expressed myself more clearly 6 months ago. Today was just another day. Work all day on less than optimal sleep while trying to suppress feelings of anxiety. On the bright side I have found a small house with a great view that I will be able to get in by the end of the week. I was able to focus at work today for the first time in about a month and it looks like the promotion is going to go through. I had the first reasonable conversation with my soon to be ex-wife today and we were able to agree to certain terms regarding the divorce. The OW is not really part of the picture anymore because she can not decide on what she wants. When I do see her she always cries and says that she misses me and loves me. It is unavoidable to see her as we work together. Link to post Share on other sites
OWoman Posted January 26, 2008 Share Posted January 26, 2008 I understand that I had no right to "Fire the final bullet". OK this part I don't get. When I decided my M was over, it was over and I left. I didn't require, or seek, anyone's permission to do so. To me, a M requires full commitment from both partners and if one has checked out, it's over. Are you suggesting something should be kept on life support long after it's dead? Why? Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted January 26, 2008 Share Posted January 26, 2008 I understand that I had no right to "Fire the final bullet". I also know that I was not happy and I chose to go elsewhere to try to find happiness. Life is about choices, good or bad, and I can not commit to whether or not my choices have been either. My wife may find someone that makes her happy (Good). I may find someone that makes me happy (Good). I may have ruined it for both of us ( Bad). I am sorry that I allowed things to get to where they are. I should have tried harder in my marriage but I didn't. I wish that the MW and I had met under different circumstances but we didn't. I wish that I could have expressed myself more clearly 6 months ago. Today was just another day. Work all day on less than optimal sleep while trying to suppress feelings of anxiety. On the bright side I have found a small house with a great view that I will be able to get in by the end of the week. I was able to focus at work today for the first time in about a month and it looks like the promotion is going to go through. I had the first reasonable conversation with my soon to be ex-wife today and we were able to agree to certain terms regarding the divorce. The OW is not really part of the picture anymore because she can not decide on what she wants. When I do see her she always cries and says that she misses me and loves me. It is unavoidable to see her as we work together. It appears as if you have a firm grip on your responsibility. I know that she contributed to the demise of your marriage, but you do take responsibility for your affair. Owning our own s**t is part of learning from our choices. We all make bad ones. But only some of us learn from them. It appears you have learned a valuable lesson that you will take into new relationships. Link to post Share on other sites
Author RCCDMA Posted January 28, 2008 Author Share Posted January 28, 2008 Believe me I don't want to wallow but I do feel guilty about the fact that my marriage ended under these circumstances. Looking back I can honestly say that we were not happy but I should not have killed her trust by cheating. I know that I will be happier and I think she will also. On a brighter note I will be in my new house this week. I am going by the other house this week to get a few items. You know bed, couch, TV. Trust me there will be very little extra in the house for me. My wife has made it clear that she will give only the bare minimum. The Couch may be pushing it. The conversations with my wife are all over the place. One minute we are fine and then bang!!!! I understand she is mad and I don't blame her. The OW called me today and says she can not continue without me. Says she is working on the courage to leave her DH. I told her to call me when she actually puts her bags in the car. I am not trying to be cruel but I need her all of the time; not just when she needs me. This is a hard thing to go through unless you have a very good support staff. My family has been fairly supportive of both of us. Hers will not talk to me. Anyway another day in the books. Link to post Share on other sites
Author RCCDMA Posted January 28, 2008 Author Share Posted January 28, 2008 I have not been completely honest with myself. I have repeatedly said that I could go on alone but I lied. I miss the MW so much. I am absolutley miserable without her. I said before that I needed her to make a decision but I have not really let her know that. I have hinted about it but I have not told her. I know I should walk away and let her decide about her marriage but I just can't think of anything but her. How folks can do this for years is beyond me. My marriage was over anyway but I have not been alone for so long that I have honestly forgotten how. What do you say to someone that you have fallen in love with if you want them to be with just you? My separation is legal. Divorce is not. The fact that I left my wife should not have anything to do with the MW. I have told myself that it was over regardless. It was over long ago, we just couldn't see it. People can't help who they fall in love with can they? This is the single worst thing I have ever experienced in my life and I have just gotten started. I can only imagine how someone who has been through this more than once feels. Good grief!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted January 28, 2008 Share Posted January 28, 2008 People can't help who they fall in love with can they? Absolutely they can! I find myself 'attracted' to someone every couple of years. But by acknowledging that attraction to myself, and then putting up personal barriers to ensure that it goes no further, I've never once cheated on my wife in 20 years of marriage. You'd be amazed at how many times I've seen that exact phrase/question in the years on these boards. Its the battle cry of the MM/MW. BTW...you can't know that your marriage was over before you met MW. Because your entire perspective on your marriage has changed as a result of your affair. Its called "re-writing marital history". Take a look over at the materials on marriagebuilders.com...you'll see what I'm talking about. Why don't you try this...try breaking off complete contact with BOTH women for 60 days...the whole "find yourself" first thing....and THEN see where you want to be? If its true love, she'll be there for you, yes? Link to post Share on other sites
luvmy2ns Posted January 28, 2008 Share Posted January 28, 2008 Early on in this thread, the OP blamed the decline of his marriage on his promotion which resulted in trips and lots of time away. He said they had a good marriage prior to that promotion. Ahhh, money and the trouble it brings when you pursue more of it, right? Were you financially stable prior to the promotion? Did you have any clue what this might do to your home life prior to your accepting the promotion? And would you be willing to take a step down to a lesser job to get back to where the two of you were prior to the marriage going to hell? These problems you've encountered within your marriage were, in your own words, caused by your job. What makes you think you won't have similar problems with a different partner? The trips and long hours will still be there. Link to post Share on other sites
Chrome Barracuda Posted January 29, 2008 Share Posted January 29, 2008 She'll cheat on him ,the minute she get's tired of him, Mark my words. IT'll happen. Then he's gonna feel stupid. Link to post Share on other sites
jaslene2009 Posted February 1, 2008 Share Posted February 1, 2008 What is the problem? You don't have children which seems to be the big reason miserable couples stay together (at least that is what they say). Do you have any financial investments together? If so just sit down and let your spouse know what you are feeling and the split could be amicable. Now, you must make sure your MF is feeling the same way you are. Neverthless, you shouldn't need your MF to end your marriage. If you are that miserable, you should be able to address your feelings and thoughts to your W and move on. Good Luck! I am currently in a relationship with a woman who has been married for 4 years. I have been married for 10 years. Neither of us have any children and we are both unhappy in our marriage. From the beggining we discussed the consequences if one of us were to become more attached than the other so my question is this...... Should I risk a telling her that I am ready for the next step? We have twice the trouble. Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted February 1, 2008 Share Posted February 1, 2008 What is the problem? You don't have children which seems to be the big reason miserable couples stay together (at least that is what they say). Do you have any financial investments together? If so just sit down and let your spouse know what you are feeling and the split could be amicable. Now, you must make sure your MF is feeling the same way you are. Neverthless, you shouldn't need your MF to end your marriage. If you are that miserable, you should be able to address your feelings and thoughts to your W and move on. Good Luck! He did leave. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts