My Wife Thinks She may have fallen out of love with me & may want to separate - !

[nyc1975]

My wife & I have been married for a little less than 2 years, but have been together for just over 7 years total. She came to me last week and told me that she thinks she has fallen out of love with me and thinks we may need to get separated. She says she loves me so much but feels like we have become more of best friends than lovers. We both admit that the passion has faded over the last few years but since everything else was so great that we both put those feelings aside. It wasn't like we were not having sex. We were having sex still at least a few times a week, but it had gotten stale. Same thing pretty much everytime. It was always good but not great. Our relationship started with a lot of passion. I thik we both just got comfortable and complacent and neither one of us wanted to rock the boat. Looking back that was definitely a mistake. We both always thought that our relationship was great. So much in common. Loved to do almost everything together. Same friends, familes get along, both very successful in our careers and doing better than expected financially. On paper we were and are perfect. I noticed she had been distracted for a few months and had been pulling away. In June we were waiting to close on a new home. This is the home where we would start a family. She had been wanting me to get her pregnant in early '07 but I wanted to wait for the new home so we would have space. It wasn't an argument, we agreed to wait until this fall to try to get pregnant. Things were still great and she was so excited for the new home, spending our summer at the beach partying with friends and then get started on trying to start a family. That's when she left for a 3 week business trip. She came back and seemed very independent and a little distant. This happened with her once a few years earlier after a business trip of 3 weeks. She's a very independant woman and I think this is somewhat natural. When your away, your away from real life, no bills, expense accounts, no one to answer to. I get it, I feel the same way sometimes. But this time was different. As a few weeks passed things with us were not getting better and I felt her pulling away more. I questioned her about an affair but she promissed me that it was just her getting adjusted again. Fast-forward to September, our preconstruction condo was delayed again and not going to be ready to close until December. We had a lot of fun this fall, as always, hanging with friends, going to football games and just being best friends. But she was still very distant when we were alone and intimate. I finally broke into her verizon account and found a ton of calls to one number. I called it and it was a guy from work who she met on her trip, who btw is married with 2 kids. She admitted that she had been talking to him a lot and that she has developed an "Emotional Connection" with this d-bag. She swears to me that nothing physical has happened between them but she feels this emotional connection with him that she doesn't feel with me anymore. I'm a man and I feel this emotional connection is a load of BS, especially when your talking about a married father of 2. He wants obviously wants to bang her. I believe that nothing physically has happened because I did a lot of survellance, through a 3rd party and researched her cell phone bills and saw that they were never in the same city. --- Anyway, she has cut him off and has not had any contact with him for 2 months. We have been going to counselling but it has not helped. We closed on our new place and both thought it would be a great thing for us. This was our dream home and the place we both pictured having children and starting our family. When we went into contract on this place about 9 months ago, she says that she never felt closer to me and could not picture her life without me... She has done a complete 180. Moving into the place actually has made her miserable! She does not understand why this is happening to her and why she can't snap out of this funk she is in. She says that this place represented everything she ever wanted out of life and should be happier than a pig in sh#!, but instead she feels sick in the place and like she doesn't belong. She admits that she is still thinking about the other guy and does not know why but can't help it. She knows she loves me but feels that if she was really IN LOVE with me than she would never think about someone else, especially about someone she has never been with physically. She thinks she needs to move out for a month or longer to think and see if she can get that feeling back for me that she had so strongly only 4-5 months ago. She thinks maybe being apart will help her realize what she may be giving up. I am against her moving out, but am at a loss. A little background for you - she cames from a divorced family and has always had a problem with commitment. She sees how badly the divorce effected her younger siblings and swore that she would never do that to her children. She freaked out a little bit in '04 when we were about to get engaged but then realized that I was what she wanted. The fact that she questioned our relationship in '04 and is now going through this again, she is terrified that it will happen again 5-10-15 years down the road and we will then have children in the mix. Our therapyst as well as her mom really thinks that is a big reason she is going through this situational depression, but she refuses to believe she may have a depression and that she is finally realizing what is important to her and that there has been something missing from our relationship. She feels that the passion problem is a major issue and may not be able to be fixed. She feels like she is not attracted to me anymore but doesn't know why. I am the same person she fell in love with, have always treated her better than she has ever been treated in her life and physically am still in very good shape, probably even better than when we met. Sorry for the long rant - but i haven't talked with anyone about this and had to get it out. I hope someone is able to get through this long story and please give me some feedback. I love her with all of my heart and really beleive that she was happy and we can live out our dreams together if she would only give us the chance to rekindle our passion. Please help me out.. Thanks..

[Jordane]

So...I'm definitely not one to give advice to a married man (college student here, haha) BUT since nobody else has so far...why not?

 

In a recent sociology class we were talking about love, romance, marriage, and what not and we had a LONG discussion about passion. About how passion comes and goes at intervals but people freak out when it's down because they feel they have lost that "connection." Your wife will never have crazy passion (constantly) with ANYONE and she cannot run away from you any time she is not head-over-heels in love with you.

[Mr. Lucky]

You'll get more responses if you format your post into paragraphs. It's very difficult to read as is.

 

Why are you so quick to assume, after a 3-week trip and a ton of calls, that she's not having a PA? It would explain a lot of things...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Cobra_X30]

Dude... what can you say? Your wife sucks... I'd start looking for a good divorce lawyer! There are too many good women out there to waste your life with a crappy one.

 

Oh... an emotional affiar is cheating. If a momentary lack of passion is what causes her to stray... well what kind of person is she?

 

Sorry this happened to you. Best of luck!

[hidee79]

As a woman, I can assure you that an emotional affair is as destructive, if not MORE destructive, than a physical affair.

 

I have ended relationships because of an EA (although I've never been married, so I don't know if it's really an EA). But, the EA happened because I was already in the "escape" state of mind.

 

Right now, nothing you say or do can change her mind. If anything, you will repel her if you try to win her back. Instead, agree to the separation, and distance yourself. Don't be mean. Be polite, but distant. Start having your own life. Date other women. I mean, maybe your wife is doing you a favor - do you want to spend your life with a woman who isn't committed to you as you are to her?

[MissMaris]

An emotional affair can be just as devastating to a relationship as a physical one. Sounds like your wife hit a big wall, from an emotional standpoint, and now she has to make up her mind.

 

If I were you, I'd let her move out and get a taste of reality. Let her experience what living without you is REALLY like.

 

I'd create some distance between the two of you, both emotionally and physically. She needs to realize that she stands a very good chance of losing you. Pull back. Start doing for YOU.

 

Here's what will happen. She will either realize that love is imperfect and relationships are difficult, but that you are the person she wants to be with. OR...she'll realize that's she's happier out of the marriage.

 

Sorry to hear you're going through this. It's really hell, isn't it?

[Rooster_DAR]

She says she loves me so much but feels like we have become more of best friends than lovers.

 

If I got a nickel for every time I heard this line I'd be a rich fellow.

 

My EX did the same thing to me, and the first time I found her in an emotional relationship with a co-worker. I was able to intervene with counseling and get us back on track again and she was happier until.... 1 year later she was doing the same thing again and I found out she was actually in another emotional affair with a different guy at work.

 

Hope for the best, prepare for the worst.

[nyc1975]

Thanks for the feedback everyone. I know what I have to do. I know I have to have the strength to let her go and if it is meant to be she will come back. The thing that kills me is that she was so happy just a few months ago, talking about how she could not picture her life without me and how she could not wait to start a family this fall. It's amazing how a 3 week business trip can alter your whole life. I just have to hope that she realizes what real love is all about and gets her head out of her ass before I can't wait anymore. I know I'll be fine in the long run either way, it's just a tough pill to swallow when it comes out of nowhere like this did. She will see that any man that is willing to run out on his wife & 2 kids under 3 years old for the first good looking piece of ass that comes his way is no man at all. Nowhere near the man that I am.

[torranceshipman]

Too right, you sound like a good guy and the best thing is to close the door FOR her, so suddenly it isnt her decision anymore - she loses you....she then has to go it alone and gets the chance to see if the 'grass is greener'....aka either experience life without you by her side supporting her, or with the dbag who I am sure will make her miserable and she'll realise what she lost....I think in the long run it might be a great thing for you as I have a feeling she'd miss you terribly and will realise what she's thrown away and will try hard to get you back....maybe some hard times for you to go through in the meantime tho...stay strong and hell maybe the grass really is greener for you if she does go, who knows!

[Tomcat33]

Let her go, it is the best thing you can do for yourself. If you let her go there is a real chance she can regain what she is missing away from you, it won't happen if she feels forced to stay by your side. You will only sink your marriage deeper into despair. Let her go and it will also let you think with a cooler head, who knows you might decide you just don't want her back. It won't be easy but it is the best thing you can do for both of you if you want her back 100% and on her free will. If you want a walking zombie then insist you stay together.

[jmargel]

There are two things here that I need to point out to you. First is that I believe she might be in a depression, the line that is drawn between fantasy and reality is a blur to her as well. Her depression will have a major impact on your relationship.

 

Second you have become a pussy. You lack confidence. You roll over and piddle on yourself. You tolerate her disrespect towards you which makes her devalue the relationship even more. Women LOVE confidence, this is what this other man is showing. Her warped mentality is she is seeing this in this other man. We both know it won't work between those two, however you are just letting it unfold. By you tolerating this you are giving her the green light. 'Sure honey, go ahead and leave for a few months. Meet this guy, **** him, do everything you do with me, and when you are ready you can come back'.

 

Is this what you really want? I mean, come on already. You are not going to get this marriage to work because she doesn't 'want' to. The reason why she doesn't want to is that she has no value in you or the marriage. The reason why she has no value in it, is because you are lacking confidence and tolerating her behavior. The reason why her behavior is like this is because of her immaturity and the way she was brought up. This last sentence is the root of your problem.

 

IMO you need to use tough love. Get the book 'Love must be tough'. Not only show confidence, live it! Pull that safety net away, start making decisions for yourself and your future. Stop waiting for her. Today, let her know that you will no longer be treated like this, you will no longer be dragged through the mud. Tell her you are opening this cage door as far as possible and letting her fly away. Let her know that she is then *not* welcomed back under any condition. Tell her she has this choice to make, and to make it now. Let her know that if she decides to stay it's with the understanding that she gets the help she needs.

 

If she decides to leave, then don't call her back. She has to make decisions for herself. However by you doing what you are doing right now it's just making the problems worse. Continue this track and you will lose her. Though the advice I give is hard to take, I believe it is something you must do in order to make her think about what she is doing.

 

Don't lecture her, don't try to convince her to stay. Make is short and sweet. Be distant towards her, don't be the first to say I love you. Don't be around all the time. Make her aware of the consequences she needs to face for what she is doing. She is cheating. Emotional cheating is worse than physical. Don't worry about this other guy, he owes you nothing. If it wasn't going to be him, it would be someone else. The problem lies with her.

[Haner]

You have no kids, you are both financially secure... walk away. Don't let her make you the "safety man" (you know, like the safety school). If you don't walk away, don't be surprised if she really cheats on you 5-10 years from now. And I get the feeling she has already. A woman just doesn't develop an "emotional affair" with a married man of 2 unless she's been sucking his wanker.

 

Don't be angry at her when you talk to her, just clearly let her know her options.

Edited January 15, 2008 by Haner

[AmyY]

Thanks for the feedback everyone. I know what I have to do. I know I have to have the strength to let her go and if it is meant to be she will come back. The thing that kills me is that she was so happy just a few months ago, talking about how she could not picture her life without me and how she could not wait to start a family this fall. It's amazing how a 3 week business trip can alter your whole life. I just have to hope that she realizes what real love is all about and gets her head out of her ass before I can't wait anymore. I know I'll be fine in the long run either way, it's just a tough pill to swallow when it comes out of nowhere like this did. She will see that any man that is willing to run out on his wife & 2 kids under 3 years old for the first good looking piece of ass that comes his way is no man at all. Nowhere near the man that I am.

 

You seem to be very invested in making things look right- the whole house, kids, perfect marriage thing. Have you considered that maybe she thought she wanted the '10 year plan' and now that she's getting it she finds it is lackluster and unfulfilling? Maybe you need to sit down and figure out what the two of you can et excited about in the future- and that may mean letting go of the dream and facing the reality of what you and she really want. And if you want the house and kid scenario and she really doesn't- then that might be a deal breaker. Just a thought. I wish you the best- you sound like a wonderful guy. Your wife just sounds like she is very unfulfilled and looking to fill some sort of emptiness she is feeling...

 

A.

[wanttoknow]

I wanted to chime in here and just say that I believe she is coping out on you! to fall out of love is such a trendy catch phrase these days and honestly it is going to continue to happen to her over and over again. If you want to be happy and for her to be happy because you love her then I think she needs to learn how to work with you first. The two of you have something very special and she is just choosing to do this right now.

 

There is not a loss here, but an opportunity for the two of you to do what is right for your relationship. Of course you can not force her to do anything, but to say that she can't find the same good relationship with you again is rediculous. My wife and I are in a similar matter - and after a time like this we both realized that what we have in our own home is special and it does not change the problems in relationships just to somehow start a new one.

 

She has an opportunity to choose to love you again - patience and prayer and hard work - coping out would be a real shame for her because it will not change her life, only mask it until the next time it gets stale!

[Trecherized]

I know what I have to do. I know I have to have the strength to let her go and if it is meant to be she will come back. The thing that kills me is that she was so happy just a few months ago, talking about how she could not picture her life without me and how she could not wait to start a family...

 

Though I was never married, We were together for almost nine years and she asked for a break twice too. 6 months ago she told me the same thing about not being without me and family. I never really thought that there are other people out there that are going through what I am right now. Well, in my case I did let her go. I'm still getting over the lies and betrayal but I guess it's better than staying up all night waiting for the garage door to open.

[nyc1975]

Thanks everyone who chimed in. I actually took a lot of your advice to heart. I have never been on a board like this before but going through this really makes you reach out.

 

I basically told her that I will not be disrespected like this anymore and don't come back until you figure out your s***! I have always been an extremely confident person and I let her take away my self-respect and have been actiing like a complete p**sy. I have never had any problem meeting women and know that it won't be a problem if it comes to that. I just thought I was done with all that BS. Again the thing that kills me is that she always told me how happy and in love she was and it wasn't just what she said it was her actions too. I was and still maybe would be, if she straightens her head out, ready to have children with her. I know that things will never work out for her and this married D-bag if she does try to pursue that angle. Like someone said she is only walking into a much bigger mess if she chooses that route and it will only end bad for her.

 

The hardest thing for me is to stay strong and not call/text her to see what she's up to. I just stay awake at night wondering if she's seeing him and I'm having a hard time getting that out of my head. If this other guy was not involved I know it would be much easier for me to let her go and take her space to figure this out, but there is no way I am going to wait around while she goes out and bangs some other dude. I still believe that she's not seeing him but I also know she wants to, so either way it sucks...

 

Thanks again.

[HisLove]

Um yep. Call her bluff and don't be her safety net any more. And if it was me, I'd be printing out those emails/phone records and letting married scumbag's wife know what her husband has been up to.

 

Nothing ruins an affair quicker than the reality of dealing with a pissed off spouse.