Things to consider when moving out?

[4givrnt4gtr]

So....ive just about had it!!!

 

There has come a point....RIGHT NOW when i have decided i NEED to change me and my life....

 

I NEED to stand up for myself adn what i want and need. And its just now that im realizing how I literally FEAR to assert myself. I HATE confrontations and would do anything to avoid them..

 

One of the major things i need to change is living at home. Im about to turn 24, and for some ungodly reason....actually...many reasons, I decided a few months ago to move back home with my mother.

 

However, the major reasons why i moved back besides money, was because i would constantly get guilt tripped by my mom about how lonely she was adn how she knew she had become a burden that nobody wanted. Then she would continue with how we would never get ahead as a family unless we would stop trying to all live in separate places instead of putting our money together and get a place of our own. (we're all grown up, Im the youngest, the next one is my brother who is 30 and has a kid and a wife....)

On top of that I hit a rough patch where i was dumped and fired on the same day. I panicked, and moved back.

 

Now im regreting that decision. I got a job about a week after i was fired, but continued living at home. For a while it was easy...I got home cooked meals, and generally get along great with my mom. I also found comfort knowing i was helping her financially and emotionally by beingg here.

 

But recently, Ive started feeling I NEED to get out. I need to find my own place, and my own life. Away from the drama of my family (too long to write), where i wont be looked down upon because I decided to stay over at my bfs house ("Arent you embarrased? he must think you're easy!"), or literally told not to go out or worse, being guilt tripped for wanting to see my friends. ("what! you're going out AGAIN??? didnt you go out a few nights ago? ohh i see, you just dont like to be home huh")

 

I need to get out! However I still feel guilty for wanting to leave my mom and afraid that I may not be able to make it on my own again. I have a good job, but it only pays 36k and I have debts i gotta pay (car, student loans, credit card etc).

 

I know I will move out...but now i feel I need to do it sooner than I thought. i wanted to pay off some debt first then move...maybe in may or so.

 

Should I just wait it out? or should I go on and get out?

 

Ive been trying to fix my issues with assertiveness, and one of the things I read is that I should live my life how I want to live it and not how other think i should live it. I want to go now...but im thinking maybe it;ll be better to wait til May, when my brother comes back and takes my mom with him. (btw my mom is just 56...but she doesnt drive, or speaks English so this limits her a lot...)

 

I dont know what to do....help!!!

[Angelina Nisse]

You've got a HUGE problem that is going to continue to impact you, the rest of your life, unless you set boundaries, NOW.

Your Mother is only 56 years old, and she doesn't even drive?

She doesn't speak English?

She has set herself up to be completely and totally dependent on someone else.

 

This should not be acceptable to you.

 

Your Mother needs to learn English, and she needs to learn TO DRIVE, instead of planning to take over her children's LIVES. Unbelievable.

 

But to answer your question; I think as soon as you are financially able, you should get out of there. You and your siblings need to talk about Mother and come to some sort of plan; she needs to be told that she needs to learn English and learn to drive.......unless, of course, some of you are happy to take care of her for the next few decades!!!

[Ronni_W]

...I should live my life how I want to live it and not how other think i should live it. I want to go now...but im thinking maybe it;ll be better to wait til May, when my brother comes back and takes my mom with him. (btw my mom is just 56...but she doesnt drive, or speaks English so this limits her a lot...)

 

Five months is an excellent time-frame to plan your move properly AND help your mom become more independent in the meantime.

OTOH, just waiting until May so you can fob off this problem on your brother is a step AWAY from becoming assertive and independent.

 

I would tell your mom your plan. You do not have to give reasons like paying off debt as why you're staying until May -- that could just end up making her feel hurt and resentful cos it is just "using" her for the financial benefit.

If she asks, you can say that you are feeling stifled and judged in this environment, and for your personal growth you need to create for yourself a positive and uplifting place where you can be free to find out and express who you truly are.

 

Find ESL (English as 2nd language) classes in the area, help her to register, support and encourage her, offer to help her practice or with her homework. If there are no local classes, gift her with some audio lessons (you may be able to get downloadable lessons that aren't too expensive.)

EDITED TO ADD: Same thing for driving lessons -- help, support, encourage! -- she needs your help now to get her out there...then it'll stop and you won't have to worry 'bout it for the rest of your life.

 

It is only five (5) months -- it is a great chance for you to start learning assertiveness within familiar surroundings -- by helping your mom be better able to communicate with others, you alleviate some of that guilt -- use the time wisely and pay down those bills...even if it does mean temporarily giving up some experiences and material "stuff" -- It is only five (5) months.

 

Let your goals for emotional and financial independence, and assertiveness, and freedom from guilt motivate you to let EVERY day of the 5 months be really pleasurable and exciting. Best of luck.

 

SECOND EDIT: As a reason for waiting until May, also say that you want to make sure she'll be great when you leave (therefore the language & driving lessons.) But, if she chooses not to upgrade her skills, you will STILL be leaving in May -- she is responsible for how she uses the time, same as you are taking responsibility for how you use the time for your improvement.

Edited January 6, 2008 by Ronni_W

[4givrnt4gtr]

You've got a HUGE problem that is going to continue to impact you, the rest of your life, unless you set boundaries, NOW.

Your Mother is only 56 years old, and she doesn't even drive?

She doesn't speak English?

She has set herself up to be completely and totally dependent on someone else.

 

This should not be acceptable to you.

 

Your Mother needs to learn English, and she needs to learn TO DRIVE, instead of planning to take over her children's LIVES. Unbelievable.

 

But to answer your question; I think as soon as you are financially able, you should get out of there. You and your siblings need to talk about Mother and come to some sort of plan; she needs to be told that she needs to learn English and learn to drive.......unless, of course, some of you are happy to take care of her for the next few decades!!!

 

we all know she needs to learn english, specially her. She literally sits HOURS at a time, studying and listening to english classes. She's been to schools, she's done most everything I can think of to learn but she still not able to communicate at all. Its so frustrating for her as well as for all of us. I tried talking to her in english, but she looks at me blankly or guesses what im trying to say without even thinking fo the words Im saying. I feel so guilty but its SOOOO irritating.

She is constantly expressing anguish and saying how stupid she is and how she must have some type of retardation since she hasnt been able to to learn to speak in 12 years.

It kills me to hear her say that, but i really dont know how to help her. I feel that the only way she is going to speak is by literally risking it and speaking, even if its random lose words here adn there. I tell her this but she doesnt do it. Other times she asks me how to say the most elemental things like how to ask "what" or "why"....I just dont get it.

The driving thing is about the same. She tried driving once, but she is extremely nervous and crashed the car against a wall. After that she never touched a car. She also works at night, getting out at 10pm, so when her friend who gives her rides isnt around she either has to take the bus (which we highly discourage) or one of us have to pick her up. My sister went off in one of her rampages a few months ago where she told my mom that she was sick of having to take care of her (although she doesnt live with her) so now im the only one making sure she gets home safe.

 

Im not sure I can help her overcome her not speaking english, or her lack of driving...Ive tried...but honestly, I have given up, since nothing i do seems to help anyway.

[4givrnt4gtr]

Five months is an excellent time-frame to plan your move properly AND help your mom become more independent in the meantime.

OTOH, just waiting until May so you can fob off this problem on your brother is a step AWAY from becoming assertive and independent.

 

.

 

She knows im leaving, since I am starting grad school this year....my thing is that I feel like i have to go NOW...but i feel so guilty (and fearful, economically) doing it....

 

Thats why I wanted to see what were the major things that people should consider in general before moving on their own...

 

In regard to my mom...i just odnt know what to do anymore. Other than accepting that I am less than the perfect daughter who would do anything to help her mother....

 

I just dont know

[Ronni_W]

In regard to my mom...i just odnt know what to do anymore. Other than accepting that I am less than the perfect daughter who would do anything to help her mother....

It is a very challenging process, for a child to really break free from the "emotional umbilical cord" (from both mom and dad.)

 

Setting healthy boundaries for yourself is normal, healthy and age-appropriate...it is the opposite of acting "imperfectly" but that is exactly what is so difficult in the process because of our ingrained, misguided belief that it is our job to ensure our parents' happiness and peace of mind. (It is NOT the child's job to do that.)

 

Your desire to be independent and free in every aspect of your life is normal and healthy.

If your mom is making her children responsible for any aspect of her life, that is HER dysfunctional thinking.

 

It is difficult to get to this realization, and even more difficult to live it.

 

You are allowing your mom to use her lack of English skills and driver's license to control and manipulate you. You are doing it because of your ingrained belief that doing everything when and how your parent needs is what a "good" child does.

 

That belief has been passed down from generation to generation, all over the world (although the specific behaviours are, of course, different in each case.) It is a misguided and inaccurate belief that ALL children must revise, if they want to live their own lives free of guilt and resentment.

 

It takes a lot of work to re-engineer beliefs about the parent-child relationship (and all other ingrained beliefs, too) but that is the real job ahead of you, if you really do want to live your own life without guilt and resentment.

Edited January 7, 2008 by Ronni_W
grammar

[StareIntoTheSun]

Away from the drama of my family (too long to write), where i wont be looked down upon because I decided to stay over at my bfs house ("Arent you embarrased? he must think you're easy!"), or literally told not to go out or worse, being guilt tripped for wanting to see my friends. ("what! you're going out AGAIN??? didnt you go out a few nights ago? ohh i see, you just dont like to be home huh")

 

This sounds all too familiar to me. I moved out of my father's house because he used to make me feel guilty for going out all the time. And if I was going to be coming home after midnight, he'd want me to call him. At 23, I think that was a little much. He also wouldn't want ANY of my friends in the house after midnight (even on weekends when he didn't have work, even if it was just 1 of my female friends). I realized I needed to move out when he would start yelling at me for staying out until 3am with my boyfriend (who, at that time, didn't get out of work until midnight on most nights).

 

I've also realized that I have a MUCH better relationship with my father now that I have moved out. It's been almost a year since I've been on my own, and since I left me and my dad have been going to dinner once a week, and I'll go over to his house and watch a movie with him or something. I talk to him a lot more now, too. REAL conversations. It really improved our relationship, I feel.

 

There is one thing every parent needs to realize and come to terms with on their own, and that's the fact that their child is going to eventually grow up, move out, and live their own life. Maybe your mother needs to feel like someone needs her. Maybe she thinks once you're gone, you don't need her anymore and that she's just expendable to you. That's how I think my father felt when I first moved out, and I just don't get it. We will always need our parents. Not for the same reasons as before, but you should remind your mom that you will always be there for her and you still need her to be a big part of your life. That is, if you think that's how she feels about you leaving.

[Nevermind]

It kills me to hear her say that, but i really dont know how to help her. I feel that the only way she is going to speak is by literally risking it and speaking, even if its random lose words here adn there

What is your mother's native language? There are special issues for some language pairs that might hinder her progress, if it isn't adressed properly.

 

Do not just insert random words, they will not stick. The brain doesn't work very well like that, especially in older age.

Cancel the tv channels that are not in English or move them to a different place. Get a newspaper in English. Make her use the computer and find internet pages she's interested in.

Does she have friends who do not speak her own language? Change this! Try italki for online communication partners and your neighbourhood for real life exchange. Church meetings, pottery classes...whatever.

Don't just pressure her, make it fun, too. Take your mom to the cinema once, she'll love that you want to spend time with her and it's a great exercise.

 

Plus (since I am guessing that she knows more English passively than she wants you to know) make sure you tell her that you're not gonna step out of her life when she's able to get along on her own.

[4givrnt4gtr]

Make her use the computer and find internet pages she's interested in.

Does she have friends who do not speak her own language? Change this! Try italki for online communication partners and your neighbourhood for real life exchange. Church meetings, pottery classes...whatever.

 

WEll, she refuses to use the computer too. She is afraid she will "break it". Ive tried teaching her how to use it, taught her how to check her bank account online, and the lotto numbers she buys every week. However she still insists that i do it for her and when I say "no, you can do it" she just gives me this passive-aggressive "fine, thats ok, i'll just tell someone else to do it since you're too busy"

 

Its so infuriating!!!!

 

She also doesnt have many friends, just the ones we knew since we first immigrated, other than that she doesnt know anyone around our neighboorhood. Ive told her several times that she should get into some type of class or something so she can be more social. She usually responds with "why? thats for young people, im too old to do those things, Im just waiting to die anyway" (Keep in mind..she's only 56!!!)

 

Im seriously getting to the end of my rope already.

 

Its getting to a point where silly things irritate me. Just this morning as i was getting ready for work she comes in and asks me if i want tea or cereal for breakfast. I was already late for work so i said "tea is fine" so she says "Why?!? the cereal would be better for you!" i told her i was already late and she just asked "so what?!?" I told her that i would be easier and faster to just drink the tea.

Well, i come out and she has cereal in the table for me.

I got really upset! I know its stupid, but, as it is i have a hard time asking for what i want (in general).Ive been working on being more assertive but the more i look to see where my passiveness comes from I see it has a lot to do with my family not respecting my decisions (even if it is me wanting tea and not cereal!!!)

Ugh its just irritating and stupid which makes it even more irritating!

Suffice to say I told her I had said I didnt want it and I would not eat it, and made myself tea.

I felt guilty for leaving her food on the table, but at the same time I felt disrespected and belittled. Im not 10 to be told what I should or shouldnt eat, and much less to have my decisions over something so trivial overridden like that.

 

I really dont know what i should do anymore.