Would extra effort in the bedroom stop the cheating?

[Trialbyfire]

Ah... I failed to add that it needs to be done in the open, with disclosure and honesty.

 

And while I find it pushes the boundaries of acceptability... I do treat this as something different... because it is.

If someone is so unhappy in their marriage, get out before cheating. People cheat for all kinds of reasons. Whether you're calculating enough to be able to reel them in, to leave their marriage, is reliant on the OW/OM.

[Cobra_X30]

Cobra,

Here is where it does matter and I whole heartedly agree.

I do respect you. However, I would contend that someone 'fresh' out of a marriage or especially stuggling within one is a poor investment in emotion.

If you compound issues of infidelity then that is just well...not healthy.

Not the foundation I would want to build. I don't want to build on semantics, but on truths and convictions.

Do they make people like this anymore?

 

Naw, getting involved with someone like this is just a higher risk. You know as well as I that everybody represents an infidelity risk. Some are 100%, some 50%, some 0%. Taking that risk is your choice. There is no moral culpability involved... so long as this fits the aforementioned situation.

[Cobra_X30]

If someone is so unhappy in their marriage, get out before cheating. People cheat for all kinds of reasons. Whether you're calculating enough to be able to reel them in, to leave their marriage, is reliant on the OW/OM.

 

I think this is proven false here dailey.

 

MM who leave... planned to leave. OM/OW only make that process easier.

[Trialbyfire]

I think this is proven false here dailey.

 

MM who leave... planned to leave. OM/OW only make that process easier.

Wanting to reel them in and being able to reel them in, are two different things.

 

So now, you believe that OM/OW are a necessary exit strategy for weak men and women?

[JosieMcCoy]

I think this is proven false here dailey.

 

MM who leave... planned to leave. OM/OW only make that process easier.

 

You sound like you lived through it! Have you ever been / are you married?

[Woggle]

I am 100% against cheating but if a woman refuses to be intimate with her husband she can't expect him to live like a catholics priest. If a man had some balls he would tell a woman that either he gets what he needs or he will find another woman that will provide it. That way he is totally honest and he still gets what he needs.

[underpants]

Whether you're calculating enough to be able to reel them in, to leave their marriage, is reliant on the OW/OM.

 

Oh yes. Those are a treasure, and to be enjoyed.

 

 

Naw, getting involved with someone like this is just a higher risk. You know as well as I that everybody represents an infidelity risk. Some are 100%, some 50%, some 0%. Taking that risk is your choice. There is no moral culpability involved... so long as this fits the aforementioned situation.

 

Have I ever mentioned 'morals' or 'morality' in any post?

 

I don't judge, I just recognize. In a way I think we are alike. We weigh the probabilities and see a person for who they are. You seem to still be gambling. I want a sure thing.

 

Now, blow on my dice.

Edited January 9, 2008 by underpants

[OpenBook]

If someone is so unhappy in their marriage, get out before cheating. People cheat for all kinds of reasons. Whether you're calculating enough to be able to reel them in, to leave their marriage, is reliant on the OW/OM.

 

So ironic, since many BS's here refuse to take any ownership of the meltdown in the M that inspired their H's to cheat on them ("He owns that, 100%, I did nothing to contribute to it")... while at the same time they INSIST that the OP own his/her sh*t about stealing another person's S. Kinda like, "Do as I say, not as I do"... Everybody else EXCEPT THEM is under some kind of moral obligation (deigned by them, of course) to own their sh*t. This attitude (along with the judging and condemning) is why so many OP's here so fervently resist the wisdom in their words.

 

Not to mention that many times, the OP did NOTHING to "reel them in." The CS is moving on his/her own steam, and typically is the aggressor in the OR (Other Relationship).

 

I am 100% against cheating but if a woman refuses to be intimate with her husband she can't expect him to live like a catholics priest. If a man had some balls he would tell a woman that either he gets what he needs or he will find another woman that will provide it. That way he is totally honest and he still gets what he needs.

 

Although I cringe at yet another reference to the family jewels:eek:, I totally agree with this one. As much as it would pain a BS to realize that the world does NOT revolve around her, and that her H is after all someone that she vowed to Love, Honor and Cherish for the rest of her life, and NOT someone who should cater to her every whim while expecting NOTHING in return (or at least, nothing that HE asks for), I think it would do the marriage well for her to WAKE UP AND SMELL THE COFFEE. He is a human being, he loves you and he wants you to be happy... but he wants to be happy too. Why would it be so hard to indulge him in this simple request? I would really like to know the answer to that.

[cj1988]

I agree that the CS is usually the aggressor in the A. I know that my H was the one that called the OW 75% more than she ever called him and she was the one that stopped taking his calls, slowly....after she realized what she had got herself into. My H did the same thing to me over 13 years ago, when he wants something or someone he goes into automatic OCD mode, how sad is that.....worse it was a family member and now it has made the rest of their life uncomfortable. Oh well, not my problem now !

[Mustang Sally]

So ironic, since many BS's here refuse to take any ownership of the meltdown in the M that inspired their H's to cheat on them ("He owns that, 100%, I did nothing to contribute to it")... while at the same time they INSIST that the OP own his/her sh*t about stealing another person's S. Kinda like, "Do as I say, not as I do"... Everybody else EXCEPT THEM is under some kind of moral obligation (deigned by them, of course) to own their sh*t. This attitude (along with the judging and condemning) is why so many OP's here so fervently resist the wisdom in their words.

I would happen to agree with you here, Open. I have seen this quite a lot here on LS.

 

I think much of the time(I have changed that from my previous "always"), there is denial and hiding behind the "sanctity of marriage," in addition to righteous indignation, that keeps some BS's from acknowledging their contribution to the occurrence of an A (via their participation in the degradation of a marriage).

 

I find that understandable, on one level, but ultimately unfortunate. Because it is hard to truly LEARN from one's experiences if one is not open to the TRUTH (no matter how painful) of one's experiences (and thus avoid making the same mistakes over again).

 

Just my opinion.

Skewer away.

[Cobra_X30]

Wanting to reel them in and being able to reel them in, are two different things.

 

So now, you believe that OM/OW are a necessary exit strategy for weak men and women?

 

Not necessary. Imagine it like a chemical reaction. Some molecules are unstable alone... the new bond simply lowers the energy required to break the old one.

 

However, either way it doesnt really matter. The point was that not all situations are the same. Take each person and thier story individually.

 

You sound like you lived through it! Have you ever been / are you married?

 

Kind of. I was pretty involved when my parents split... so my experience is from that of a kid going through this.

 

I've come close to bieng married... but that's it.

 

Have I ever mentioned 'morals' or 'morality' in any post?

 

I don't judge, I just recognize. In a way I think we are alike. We weigh the probabilities and see a person for who they are. You seem to still be gambling. I want a sure thing.

 

I only gamble what I'm not afraid to lose. I suggest you do the same.

[marlena]

Sometimes I just fail to see why someone has to be blamed for the demise of a relationship. People change. Things just happen. People fall in and out of love all the time! It's life.

[Lizzie60]

I'm surprised you didn't put weak in quotation marks. You may have never said you were a superior being, but your posts certainly drip with righteousness.

 

Others have cheated; you never will. You win the prize, you win the prize.

 

 

this is sooo well said.

[nittygritty]

Cheaters don't stop cheating simply because they change partners.

 

The level of deception and dishonesty thats involved with deciding to have sex with someone other than the spouse your married to goes way beyond what "extra effort in the bedroom" could repair.

 

Its doubtful that a deceptive and dishonest person simply stops being the type of person that they are because the affair is discovered or a divorce takes place. Blaming the BS for the character flaws of the cheating spouse is nonsense.

 

Perhaps learning better communication skills beginning with how to be honest rather than acting in a passive aggressive manner might begin to help a person with this type of poor impulse control and problem solving skills. Also, learning the concepts of what honesty and integrity are but there is still no gaurantee that it would fix someone capable of doing such harm to another in the name of love.

 

The excitement of the secret affair usually ends when reality takes the place of fantasy and then the cycle will usually begin again. I know my ex husband still cheats on his wife the difference being that she tolerates it and I did not nor would I ever, again.

[bish]

You ignoring all the evidence to the contrary on this board. Other than that great point

 

I don't get how a woman can read what men have posted here and not get that the #1 issue that tempts a guy towards an affair is that self-righteous crossing of the legs after marriage.

 

that sure is the excuse alot of men will give. but you also have the cheaters, men and women alike, that will cheat no matter how good they have it in bed at home. Some people like the thrill of conquest, the thrill of f####g someone new, or they feel they need to be validated that they are still attractive to people other than their spouse.

 

no matter which stupid excuse a cheater gives....it is still despicable.

[bish]

I know I will get bashed for this but I think the woman should be the ones trying a bit harder when the power struggle starts because it is more imporant to keep a happy man at home than it is to be a an "equal" to your man. A woman needs to know when to submit.

 

Ouch...ouch....... hey...stop it... ouch!!!

 

I will NEVER submit to a man.... no way... .

 

Well guess what...if they are using you for sex...then you are.

 

Sorry.

[bish]

To all the BS's who've posted here, saying theirs was a great M, they did everything they could to keep him happy, there was plenty of sex and closeness, and he STILL cheated on you, I'd like to ask you this -- are you saying there was NOTHING YOU COULD HAVE DONE to prevent the cheating from happening?

 

If they cheat simply for the thrill of it...or they cannot handle only having one person for the rest of their lives....then the answer would be no.

 

And since when do people have to bust their ass at home to keep someone who is suppose to love you from cheating? People should be keeping the home fires lit because of love and wanting to....not to stave off cheating from a worthless spouse.

[sarme]

So ironic, since many BS's here refuse to take any ownership of the meltdown in the M that inspired their H's to cheat on them ("He owns that, 100%, I did nothing to contribute to it")... while at the same time they INSIST that the OP own his/her sh*t about stealing another person's S. Kinda like, "Do as I say, not as I do"... Everybody else EXCEPT THEM is under some kind of moral obligation (deigned by them, of course) to own their sh*t. This attitude (along with the judging and condemning) is why so many OP's here so fervently resist the wisdom in their words.

 

Not to mention that many times, the OP did NOTHING to "reel them in." The CS is moving on his/her own steam, and typically is the aggressor in the OR (Other Relationship).

 

OpenBook that was so well said!!

 

It's so funny to be accused of "taking something" that did not belong to me like I went in to this couple's home in the middle of the night, gagged the defenseless man and held a gun to the W's head and said to them "he's coming with me lady, shut up or I'll blow both your brains out."

 

It was something that was going to happen regardless of my being there or not, yeah ok I gave him that extra incentive to want to get out and perhaps that is the BIG sin I have to face when the "Karma truck" hits me, (I don't live my life in fear of Karma, Karrma hits you daily and it is the direct consecuence of your actions not some imaginary savings account for sins that when you hit the quota you get hit with a big penalty or interest in the form or payback)

 

but if you think about it, if a person is that easily persuaded to leave a home, let's just suppose I made this man leave let's just suppose for a second I used my "vixen powers" on him and blinded him to MAKE him leave because I am "evil like that", if he was that easy to cast a spell on, why would you want a man like that by your side anyway? How could you have hand picked with all your high and mighty demands and understanding of what is a REAL MAN, how could you have picked someone so wishy washy and spineless? Why would you want a man who is in a happy marriage, who you are doing everything for but is so easily "snatched" away by another woman for the simple fact that she was pretty, where all she had to do was bats her eyelashes at him and he left?

 

 

As if. It's not like that and these women know this. Part of all that anger and that black or white attitude I see here and all the demands for a perfect human being and attacking of all the dirtywomen who they imagine wait behind the bush with a balaklava ready to steal the defenseless WS on his way to work, is what makes these women set these unatainable bars for men to have to meet. They are not happy within themselves. They are not comfortable in their own skin and therefore are always looking for an extrenal outlet to blame their own inadequacies on. "ohh I want my daddy and I want my best friend's marriage, why can't I find REAL men like that, those are prefect men and all the women with no morals should just die thanks to Karma because they ruined my perfect marriage and my husband turned out to have no balls and men don't have balls unless they are real men"

 

I mean seriously any woman that is constantly making condescending references about a man's testicles, shows she has little respect for men overall so I can imagine how condescending she must get in a relationship with a man

 

It takes a whole lotta' balls, confidence and real self-esteem. I know a number of men like this. Just hung out with one the other night. It separates the boys from the men

 

or

 

"I want a man who can peel me back when I'm being unreasonable but can also take being peeled back when they are experiencing twisted panty moments. No whining or butt-hurt feelings, over a clash of words."

As for love. I don't give unconditional love. If I give love, I expect to get it in a "real" relationship. Mothering men doesn't give them enough credit, at all. It demeans them, IMO.

 

So maybe, just maybe it is time to look within and examine why these kinds of comments seem healthy to you and that is what you base your ideal of what is a REAL man and a REAL relationship to you. Maybe you had a REAL man in a REAL relationship but you just chipped away at his will to want to give to you by putting him down and you didn't see it.

 

 

 

 

Although I cringe at yet another reference to the family jewels:eek:, I totally agree with this one. As much as it would pain a BS to realize that the world does NOT revolve around her, and that her H is after all someone that she vowed to Love, Honor and Cherish for the rest of her life, and NOT someone who should cater to her every whim while expecting NOTHING in return (or at least, nothing that HE asks for), I think it would do the marriage well for her to WAKE UP AND SMELL THE COFFEE. He is a human being, he loves you and he wants you to be happy... but he wants to be happy too. Why would it be so hard to indulge him in this simple request? I would really like to know the answer to that.

 

 

What I find interesting is that several men have already mentioned that "though they are not for cheating, if their woman doesn't want to have sex with them they should be somewhat used to the idea that he will want to look elsewhere. It's funny to read that because when it comes to sex it appears for men all bets are off, yet it a woman thinks of looking elsewhere in a marriage because her emotional needs are not being met, she is just a worthless whore with no morals. or if a man is not getting his emotional needs and that is why he looks elsewhere he also has no balls. the double standards still amaze me.

 

Lasty Underpants:

 

As per your comment regarding what people whould gamble on and what they should not, while I understand my way of gambling may be too risky for your liking I should remind you that I am out there living my life making choices, and if the pain will be two fold from a bad bet because the risk was too high, I can assure you the pleasure of being with this man is also two fold. I would recommend that insteand of being a silent predator who sits on the sidelines waiting for people to fall from their mistakes, you put some of your fears aside and start taking a little risk or two yourself in your own life because it makes for a happy existence and it is what distinguishes a dead person from a live one.

[bish]

Show me a man who DOESN'T require this, and I'll show you a plastic blowup doll.

 

Well get out that doll....cuz I don't need validation of any kind. And I never cheated on anyone...never will.

 

So does this blow up doll have nice thick red lips??

[bish]

I know!! We all need our egos stroked, who doesn't like or want that.

 

Who doesn't want or need that? People that are confident about themselves. If someone wants to try to stoke my ego...thats all fine and dandy...but I don't need it or ask for it.

[bish]

In a recent thread, someone posted that men are pretty basic creatures - all they need is sex, food, sports, and more sex. I have also read for men, sex = feeling loved. Would you say this is true (generally)?

 

no...........

[bish]

Real men and women cheat, and commit all sorts of mistakes.

 

Wrong...real men and women do not cheat.

 

And if I've said it once, I've said it 1,000 times...cheating is NOT a mistake. It is a conscious decision to gratify oneself.

 

You can call it a stupid, immature choice...but its not a mistake. People cheat because they wanted to.

[bish]

In that case there are many men who don't cheat. But I'll fill you in a secret, men who cheat are very real.

 

Real jerks.

[sarme]

Who doesn't want or need that? People that are confident about themselves. If someone wants to try to stoke my ego...thats all fine and dandy...but I don't need it or ask for it.

 

Bullshet, everyone needs to feel admired and looked up to and appreciated otherwise if you are so emtotionally independant go sit in a cave by yourself since you have enough love for one, that you can sustain a solitary existence on that alone.

[bish]

Bullshet, everyone needs to feel admired and looked up to and appreciated otherwise if you are so emtotionally independant go sit in a cave by yourself since you have enough love for one, that you can sustain a solitary existence on that alone.

 

The only person that matters to me would be my SO...I don't need validation from anyone else.

 

You made it sound like you need it from everyone and their cat.