Trialbyfire Posted January 9, 2008 Share Posted January 9, 2008 Well I dont know your story, sorry. If I said something differently before it it must have been based on something you said that tipped me off to say that, I can't recall. I think what I said was that if you had patience in getting to understand your man maybe he wouldn't have ended up in the arms of another woman. At any rate why don't you stop beating around the bush and just say what he did, was it a fling just for sex or was it a full on love affair then? Are you capable of making a post that does not involve a put down or sarcasm? Just curious... I will only say that you need to read up on NPD, before passing judgement on what should or should not have happened. Btw, pot, kettle, black, sarme... Did you personally know him? No, but I did and so did the therapist who diagnosed him, at his own acknowledgement. Link to post Share on other sites
sarme Posted January 9, 2008 Share Posted January 9, 2008 To ask these questions is to dig for something...anything...any little thing that may have caused someone to cheat. Everyone is going to have some tiny little flaw...and flaws of such don't need to be fixed just to keep someone from cheating. And yes, some cheaters just simply aren't satisified with how good they have it. Its called selfishness. I'm not saying that cheaters don't have other main reasons to try to excuse away their cheating...but some cheaters do cheat no matter how good they have it. Some cheaters just can't handle being with the same person and forsaking all others for the rest of their lives. Its called being fickle. To ask these questions is to gain knowledge of a new situation. I agree people cheat for all those reasons, and sometimes they also cheate because they want out. Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted January 9, 2008 Share Posted January 9, 2008 Ok, if that's the case then she is better off without someone like that why would anyone especially someone with airs as high as hers want to be with a jerk like that? I am surprised it took him cheating for her to realise what a peice of work he was? On the other hand I suppose my b/f's ex could be saying the same thing about him yet that hasn't been my experience of him. But then again, to all of you my b/f is a lying scumbag degenerate and I don't fall far from the tree in your eyes either, but my reality is different. It's all relative isn't it? Isn't that true... It's like, once the guy cheats, all his qualities are down the drain... only the 'cheating' counts... he is still the great guy he always was... and like you say.. the only reality that matters is YOURS... really... I feel the same way too... who cares if others think he's a scumbag.. I know he's a great father and a good man, and an amazing lover... Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted January 9, 2008 Share Posted January 9, 2008 I will only say that you need to read up on NPD, before passing judgement on what should or should not have happened. Btw, pot, kettle, black, sarme... No, but I did and so did the therapist who diagnosed him, at his own acknowledgement. Oh yeah... so therapists are gods... I don't think so... I have known a lot of therapists during my depression... and I've learned that just about anyone can be a therapist... it only takes a course.. it was soooo pathetic.. really... one even attempted suicide while I was seeing him... and one came to visit me at the hospital... I said something to him along those lines.. he just left... what a loser... he didn't know what to say... Link to post Share on other sites
sarme Posted January 9, 2008 Share Posted January 9, 2008 I will only say that you need to read up on NPD, before passing judgement on what should or should not have happened. Btw, pot, kettle, black, sarme... No, but I did and so did the therapist who diagnosed him, at his own acknowledgement. You know what TriabByFire, you just wanna argue you have no interest in exchanging ideas or actually learning or teaching anyone anything useful from this discussion so I am done this tug of war with you. I tried but sometimes you have to walk away and since I don't really care about you in a "loving sense" I have no use in trying to win you over with a reasonable approach. This is getting me personally nowhere you just need a punching bag to let out your frustrations on and I won't be that to you. Seek therapy for your unresolved issues. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted January 9, 2008 Share Posted January 9, 2008 Oh yeah... so therapists are gods... I don't think so... I have known a lot of therapists during my depression... and I've learned that just about anyone can be a therapist... it only takes a course.. it was soooo pathetic.. really... one even attempted suicide while I was seeing him... and one came to visit me at the hospital... I said something to him along those lines.. he just left... what a loser... he didn't know what to say... Therapists can only help you if you want to be helped and can learn to use the tools they help you to create. There's no miracle cure for mental illness. Link to post Share on other sites
marlena Posted January 9, 2008 Share Posted January 9, 2008 Oh yeah... so therapists are gods... It seems that in the good ol' U.S.A, they are a panacea! and I've learned that just about anyone can be a therapist... it only takes a course.. Yup! I've known people to come out wrse off than they were while in "therapy". It's a stupid trend! Link to post Share on other sites
marlena Posted January 9, 2008 Share Posted January 9, 2008 If you want to stay healthy, drink, laugh and be merry! Get lots of sunshine! And stay away from therapists! JMO Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted January 9, 2008 Share Posted January 9, 2008 So marlena, are you disputing there are good therapists and bad therapists, just like there are good doctors and bad doctors, and how you as a patient, apply that therapy? Let's use an example of hip surgery. A surgeon does a marvelous job doing a hip replacement. There are certain physio-type exercises and cautionaries, people need to practice after surgery. Most that do this diligently, recover. The ones that don't, need more surgery. Apply that to therapy. Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted January 9, 2008 Share Posted January 9, 2008 If you want to stay healthy, drink, laugh and be merry! Get lots of sunshine! And stay away from therapists! JMO Well said.. I actually learned it the hard way... Link to post Share on other sites
sarme Posted January 9, 2008 Share Posted January 9, 2008 Therapists can only help you if you want to be helped and can learn to use the tools they help you to create. There's no miracle cure for mental illness. So she admits she was going out with a mentally ill person and yet she harps on an on about morality and OW and how lowly men are who cheat and women who go with them are. For someone with such high standards when looking for a man you would think she would have chosen a mentally stable man. Now THAT seems like common sense to me. But I suppose it's at the bottom of your laundry list? Weren't you the one claiming that if I were "balanced" I should have picked a man who is not high risk? hmmmm interesting! But a mental case is a balanced choice LOL Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted January 9, 2008 Share Posted January 9, 2008 So she admits she was going out with a mentally ill person and yet she harps on an on about morality and OW and how lowly men are who cheat and women who go with them are. For someone with such high standards when looking for a man you would think she would have chosen a mentally stable man. Now THAT seems like common sense to me. But I suppose it's at the bottom of your laundry list? Weren't you the one claiming that if I were "balanced" I should have picked a man who is not high risk? hmmmm interesting! But a mental case is a balanced choice LOL I know, how horrible is that. It's like marrying someone who's got terminal cancer, who's unaware of it. How horrible is it to want to take on the burden of taking care of someone who's got this type of disease, unbeknownst to you but then, hell, you should have known better, right? Link to post Share on other sites
marlena Posted January 9, 2008 Share Posted January 9, 2008 TBF, I think therapy is a sham! Way overrated in the States! Personally, I don't believe in it! Like I said, everybody just needs to lighten up, roll with the punches, have a c'est la vie attitude...and drink, laugh and be merry under the sun! A simplistic philosophy, I know bit there it is! I've never been in therapy not even through my darkest hours. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted January 9, 2008 Share Posted January 9, 2008 TBF, I think therapy is a sham! Way overrated in the States! Personally, I don't believe in it! Like I said, everybody just needs to lighten up, roll with the punches, have a c'est la vie attitude...and drink, laugh and be merry under the sun! A simplistic philosophy, I know bit there it is! I've never been in therapy not even through my darkest hours. I highly recommend therapy to people who want to learn and apply the tools from therapy. If you don't want to heal, therapy is not recommended. Link to post Share on other sites
JackJack Posted January 9, 2008 Share Posted January 9, 2008 Well, in my personal experience, I have encountered some really helpful thearpists. I have not had one problem with them. Sure, there are some out there who are quacks just like any other doctor, lawyer, etc. But there are some who are good too, and actually care about whatever is going on in another persons life. A thearpist can only do but so much anyway. They are there to lend a ear, support, give advice etc, they CAN NOT do the work for you. That has to come for you. If you're not willing to do what is suggested or at least try it, then its not real fair to put it off on thearpists and say they are ALL pretty much whacko. Link to post Share on other sites
sarme Posted January 9, 2008 Share Posted January 9, 2008 I know, how horrible is that. It's like marrying someone who's got terminal cancer, who's unaware of it. How horrible is it to want to take on the burden of taking care of someone who's got this type of disease, unbeknownst to you but then, hell, you should have known better, right? Oh so now you were trying to take care of him and he wouldn't let you! interesting... so you had no idea you married a mental case, you just wanted to help him? Me thinks we can spin it as we want and the fault will always be his 100%. See you can "spin" stuff too. Aaaanyway, you know best. The important thing is that you are aboslutely perfect and your MR Perfect REAL MAN is out there waiting for you because you are the only two perfect people on earth and you deserve to be together. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted January 9, 2008 Share Posted January 9, 2008 Oh so now you were trying to take care of him and he wouldn't let you! interesting... so you had no idea you married a mental case, you just wanted to help him? Me thinks we can spin it as we want and the fault will always be his 100%. See you can "spin" stuff too. Aaaanyway, you know best. The important thing is that you are aboslutely perfect and your MR Perfect REAL MAN is out there waiting for you because you are the only two perfect people on earth and you deserve to be together. Eh? You make no sense at all sarme. Try to apply some logic to your arguments, instead of simply finding ways to bash. Yes, I do know what's best for me and have chosen the course in life that will give me what I want, in order to be happy. It's called putting some thought to my actions. How about you or is your entire life dictated by the emotion du jour, regardless of impact to anyone else? Link to post Share on other sites
underpants Posted January 9, 2008 Share Posted January 9, 2008 I agree people cheat for all those reasons, and sometimes they also cheate because they want out. Why does this make me think of the saying "polishing a turd". Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted January 9, 2008 Share Posted January 9, 2008 TBF, I think therapy is a sham! Way overrated in the States! Personally, I don't believe in it! Like I said, everybody just needs to lighten up, roll with the punches, have a c'est la vie attitude...and drink, laugh and be merry under the sun! A simplistic philosophy, I know bit there it is! I've never been in therapy not even through my darkest hours. I agree.. it is overrated... I've seen many therapists in my 6-year depression... and in many cases, I felt I was smarter than the therapist... Some are just there for the money.. they don't give a rat's a$$ about you... I also don't believe in therapy anymore... Link to post Share on other sites
nittygritty Posted January 9, 2008 Share Posted January 9, 2008 People who are deceptive and dishonest enough to cheat on their spouse are usually deceptive and dishonest in many aspects of their lives. Such as business, family, friendship, etc. Trust and respect are essential to a healthy relationship. Narcisisstic weak ego'd individuals who lie and cheat there way through life aren't usually comfortable nor capable of intimacy for very long with just one partner. Their weak ego's cannot be satisfied in the same way that a person thats capable of having a healthy relationship with another human being can. The world is full of all types of people and if cheating isn't on your personal list of deal breakers than it won't be an intolerable marital problem. My ex tried to blame his affair on having had a father who cheats on his mom and if any part of that is true I was fortunate enough to have had parents that have not nor would they ever cheat on each other. Personally, I believe adults make their own life choices for themselves regardless of what their childhood experiences were. I'm certainly not perfect but I can't think of any circumstance that would make cheating on your spouse an excusable, acceptable behavior. For me anyway. My opinion is that the majority of men don't cheat on their wives or SO's but its the men that do cheat that skew the statistics by cheating on multiple women throughout their lives. The same goes for the women that cheat. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted January 9, 2008 Share Posted January 9, 2008 I agree.. it is overrated... I've seen many therapists in my 6-year depression... and in many cases, I felt I was smarter than the therapist... Some are just there for the money.. they don't give a rat's a$$ about you... I also don't believe in therapy anymore... It's sad that you don't believe in therapy, don't believe in the ability for goodness in men beyond immediate use, don't believe in so much. Perhaps your life has been one big disappointment but in reality, you've always had the opportunity to be in control of your life and yourself. You still have that opportunity, instead of relying on men using you, to offset your spending needs. It's no surprise why you're so cynical, considering your life and lifestyle. Link to post Share on other sites
jj2007 Posted January 9, 2008 Share Posted January 9, 2008 I've posed this question in several threads lately, and it hasn't been answered. I am really curious to know. If the W of a CH put more effort into their lovemaking - wearing lingerie, teasing her H, giving him BJ's, etc. - would it satisfy him enough to where he would stop the cheating? In my situation it didn't. I did all those things. I have always been open to trying new things and spicing up the marriage/keeping the passion alive. But I wouldn't do drugs. I drink occasionally. He found someone who would do both all hours of the day. Link to post Share on other sites
underpants Posted January 9, 2008 Share Posted January 9, 2008 People who are deceptive and dishonest enough to cheat on their spouse are usually deceptive and dishonest in many aspects of their lives. Such as business, family, friendship, etc. Trust and respect are essential to a healthy relationship. Narcisisstic weak ego'd individuals who lie and cheat there way through life aren't usually comfortable nor capable of intimacy for very long with just one partner. Their weak ego's cannot be satisfied in the same way that a person thats capable of having a healthy relationship with another human being can. The world is full of all types of people and if cheating isn't on your personal list of deal breakers than it won't be an intolerable marital problem. My ex tried to blame his affair on having had a father who cheats on his mom and if any part of that is true I was fortunate enough to have had parents that have not nor would they ever cheat on each other. Personally, I believe adults make their own life choices for themselves regardless of what their childhood experiences were. I'm certainly not perfect but I can't think of any circumstance that would make cheating on your spouse an excusable, acceptable behavior. For me anyway. My opinion is that the majority of men don't cheat on their wives or SO's but its the men that do cheat that skew the statistics by cheating on multiple women throughout their lives. The same goes for the women that cheat. Good post. Link to post Share on other sites
JackJack Posted January 9, 2008 Share Posted January 9, 2008 People who are deceptive and dishonest enough to cheat on their spouse are usually deceptive and dishonest in many aspects of their lives. Such as business, family, friendship, etc. Trust and respect are essential to a healthy relationship. Narcisisstic weak ego'd individuals who lie and cheat there way through life aren't usually comfortable nor capable of intimacy for very long with just one partner. Their weak ego's cannot be satisfied in the same way that a person thats capable of having a healthy relationship with another human being can. The world is full of all types of people and if cheating isn't on your personal list of deal breakers than it won't be an intolerable marital problem. My ex tried to blame his affair on having had a father who cheats on his mom and if any part of that is true I was fortunate enough to have had parents that have not nor would they ever cheat on each other. Personally, I believe adults make their own life choices for themselves regardless of what their childhood experiences were. I'm certainly not perfect but I can't think of any circumstance that would make cheating on your spouse an excusable, acceptable behavior. For me anyway. My opinion is that the majority of men don't cheat on their wives or SO's but its the men that do cheat that skew the statistics by cheating on multiple women throughout their lives. The same goes for the women that cheat. I really like this, makes sense. Or it does to me anyway. Link to post Share on other sites
child_of_isis Posted January 9, 2008 Share Posted January 9, 2008 whoa! I think you hit the nail on the head. And really, if you think about it, if an H has these qualities, W is in all probabilities not withdrawing. Nah, what takes real moxy is a man who can handle an equal partner. It takes a whole lotta' balls, confidence and real self-esteem. I know a number of men like this. Just hung out with one the other night. It separates the boys from the men. Edit - I should qualify those comments. Perhaps that's also what stops some men from cheating. Strength and no need for constant validation. Link to post Share on other sites
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