Would extra effort in the bedroom stop the cheating?

[sarme]

. I suspect he probably made her watch a sports event or documentary or two that she didn't enjoy...

 

.

 

NO actually this is where you are wrong as a matter of fact I met him at an event she refused to accompany him to because she was simply not into it. Apparently this happened a lot.

 

You bring up the shopping example as if it's something traumatic

 

and for him it is, he hates it so why insist he do this with you? It's not about the experience itself it is about wanting something out of someone that they just don't want to give. But when your spouse refuses to accompany you to social events because she is just not that into people and social gatherings, I think that gets a bit sticky.

 

I know the shopping thing is silly but it is one of many things they clashed on and it was this needy whiny bitch session of "why don't you ever..."

Ahhh because he hates it. That is accepting another human being for who they are, not insisting to get a roses out of an orange tree.

[Cobra_X30]

I'm more than willing to take the risk of never finding the right person. I see no reason to settle for anything less and most definitely, will never settle for a weak partner.

 

Your preferences are your own. You can rely on rigid and inflexible rules to evaluate the potential of a man... just make sure that you know that will not always be the most accurate indicator.

 

Men can be strong in hundreds of ways... and yet still weak in others.

 

Infidelity in the eyes of the law, have no grades. As a CS, you take your risks, when choosing to indulge.

 

Even the law recognizes magnitude as important in punishing offenses. Elsewise all convicted would recieve the same sentence.

[Trialbyfire]

NO actually this is where you are wrong as a matter of fact I met him at an event she refused to accompany him to because she was simply not into it. Apparently this happened a lot.

I wonder what other things happened at home a lot, where he made her do things but didn't realize how traumatic they were for her?

 

and for him it is, he hates it so why insist he do this with you? It's not about the experience itself it is about wanting something out of someone that they just don't want to give. But when your spouse refuses to accompany you to social events because she is just not that into people and social gatherings, I think that gets a bit sticky.

 

I know the shopping thing is silly but it is one of many things they clashed on and it was this needy whiny bitch session of "why don't you ever..."

Ahhh because he hates it. That is accepting another human being for who they are, not insisting to get a roses out of an orange tree.

Same thing goes for the flip side of this. If you believe that people should empower and enable each other's bad behaviours, why wouldn't he continue to pander to her bad behaviours. It appears he's not as accepting, as you apparently are...

[Trialbyfire]

Your preferences are your own. You can rely on rigid and inflexible rules to evaluate the potential of a man... just make sure that you know that will not always be the most accurate indicator.

 

Men can be strong in hundreds of ways... and yet still weak in others.

I agree that men can be strong in some ways and weak in others. This is why it's so important to find a compatible person, instead of settling. Your core values must match.

 

Even the law recognizes magnitude as important in punishing offenses. Elsewise all convicted would recieve the same sentence.

Not for infidelity. For the jurisdictions that do have mechanisms for penalizing the CS, you've either indulged in infidelity or not. There isn't a non-intent to harm penalty v. intent to harm. It's all devastating.

Edited January 9, 2008 by Trialbyfire

[Cobra_X30]

and for him it is, he hates it so why insist he do this with you? It's not about the experience itself it is about wanting something out of someone that they just don't want to give. But when your spouse refuses to accompany you to social events because she is just not that into people and social gatherings, I think that gets a bit sticky.

 

I know the shopping thing is silly but it is one of many things they clashed on and it was this needy whiny bitch session of "why don't you ever..."

Ahhh because he hates it. That is accepting another human being for who they are, not insisting to get a roses out of an orange tree.

 

Do you agree with his handling of the situation?

 

I hope he has changed his attitude because... as two seperate people you both need to make the choice to grow together... not apart.

 

Besides... this is just a symptom of a larger issue.

[sarme]

I wonder what other things happened at home a lot, where he made her do things but didn't realize how traumatic they were for her?

 

 

Same thing goes for the flip side of this. If you believe that people should empower and enable each other's bad behaviours, why wouldn't he continue to pander to her bad behaviours. It appears he's not as accepting, as you apparently are...

 

Look you see it as enabling and babying I see it as accepting people for who they are. If something doesn't sit well with you and you want to bring them over to your side of thinking you need to do it with affection not with more resistence. Compromise is reached through loving acts not resentful ones, and it is hard work.

 

 

I don't know what he was like with her nor do I really even care to be brutally honest, I haven't delved into their relationship much. The tidbits I know, he's offered himself and I don't really ask. Some things come out through experiences we have together. But I'll tell you this: whatever he had with his ex was what he had with her. I don't know what she did right or wrong or what he did right or wrong. All I care about is how he treats me and the people in my life. The day he stops treating me with respect and admiration will be the day I will have to evaluate where we are headed.

 

 

Funny you should say that, one of the first things he wanted to do when we first started dating was to go shopping even after he explained that he hated it. I told him there was no need, that I appreciated the getsure but that's not my idea of a good couple's passtime i prefer something we can bothe enjoy, and so we didn't.

He's is quite accepting actually I don't know what he was like with his ex day to day, but he is very flexible with me.

He makes me feel very feminine and he is extremely giving but then again I make him feel very masculine too. ;-)

[sarme]

Do you agree with his handling of the situation?

 

I hope he has changed his attitude because... as two seperate people you both need to make the choice to grow together... not apart.

 

Besides... this is just a symptom of a larger issue.

 

GOD NO!

 

But the difference is I love social events and I accompany him to all the social events he gets invited to, we are both very social people and we love being out. Who cares if he doesn't like shopping, I can TOTALLY live with that. So there is absolutely not point of contention when it comes to how we spend out free time together we enjoy out time together no matter what.

 

 

I am a firm believer that couples who play together stay together. I was brought up in South America I come from a different mentality of the North American, "seperate vacations, boy's night out, girl's trip to Vegas." call me old fashioned but if you need to do all that alone why get married?

 

I also think a woman should accomany her man to his work or special interest functions no matter how boring or unappealing they are to you, you should always support your man in this manner because it is important for him and his professional development and a lady should be supportive of that.

[Trialbyfire]

Look you see it as enabling and babying I see it as accepting people for who they are. If something doesn't sit well with you and you want to bring them over to your side of thinking you need to do it with affection not with more resistence. Compromise is reached through loving acts not resentful ones, and it is hard work.

Then he should have been more of an accepting person. Perhaps he was at first, enabling her behaviour, then, when resentment built, it blew up in his face. Reap what you sow.

 

 

I don't know what he was like with her nor do I really even care to be brutally honest, I haven't delved into their relationship much. The tidbits I know, he's offered himself and I don't really ask. Some things come out through experiences we have together. But I'll tell you this: whatever he had with his ex was what he had with her. I don't know what she did right or wrong or what he did right or wrong. All I care about is how he treats me and the people in my life. The day he stops treating me with respect and admiration will be the day I will have to evaluate where we are headed.

So, you won't be as accepting of who he is, at that point in time. My, my, things do change.

 

Funny you should say that, one of the first things he wanted to do when we first started dating was to go shopping even after he explained that he hated it. I told him there was no need, that I appreciated the getsure but that's not my idea of a good couple's passtime i prefer something we can bothe enjoy, and so we didn't.

He's is quite accepting actually I don't know what he was like with his ex day to day, but he is very flexible with me.

He makes me feel very feminine and he is extremely giving but then again I make him feel very masculine too. ;-)

So now he's enabling you. Sound familiar?

[Trialbyfire]

GOD NO!

 

But the difference is I love social events and I accompany him to all the social events he gets invited to, we are both very social people and we love being out. Who cares if he doesn't like shopping, I can TOTALLY live with that. So there is absolutely not point of contention when it comes to how we spend out free time together we enjoy out time together no matter what.

 

 

I am a firm believer that couples who play together stay together. I was brought up in South America I come from a different mentality of the North American, "seperate vacations, boy's night out, girl's trip to Vegas." call me old fashioned but if you need to do all that alone why get married?

 

I also think a woman should accomany her man to his work or special interest functions no matter how boring or unappealing they are to you, you should always support your man in this manner because it is important for him and his professional development and a lady should be supportive of that.

With this in mind, why is it wrong for her to expect that he should take her shopping? It's obviously a hobby or great interest for her. Shouldn't he be amenable to making his partner happy?

 

Once again sarme. You can twist and turn all you want but it boils down to how far you're willing to take your justifications by enabling bad behaviours.

[sarme]

Then he should have been more of an accepting person. Perhaps he was at first, enabling her behaviour, then, when resentment built, it blew up in his face. Reap what you sow.

 

 

So, you won't be as accepting of who he is, at that point in time. My, my, things do change.

 

 

So now he's enabling you. Sound familiar?

 

Maybe he didn't want to be an accepting person with her because he wanted out? Speaking of accepting can you accept that?

Maybe in life you shouldn't force things?

 

I think this is the problem with some of you BSs you can't accept your relationship didn't work out. When you do, you will find inner peace again and it will open your eyes AND your heart and it will allow you to also take a long hard look within not because you were to blame for cheating you will never be blamed for that, it is the cheater's doing, but so that you can see where you could have done things better in your relationship. You get so caught up in deflating the flaws of your relationship with the one surfire scapegoat, the infidelity itself, that you neglect to see the root of the problem a problem which if you don't look at will come back to manifest itself again even with MR REAL MAN. Mr Real Man may not cheat but the relationship will fail again.

 

Heck I will never cheat, if anything because I don't want to give a partner who I am in a bad relatioship with the option to deflate our problems with my one bad action. I just won't give that satisfaction to someone. LOL

 

Yes you're right I baby him and he babies me, and it works for us.

Edited January 9, 2008 by sarme

[Trialbyfire]

Maybe he didn't want to be an accepting person with her because he wanted out? Speaking of accepting can you accept that?

Maybe in life you shouldn't force things?

 

I think this is the problem with some of you BSs you can't except your relationship didn't work out. When you do, you will find inner peace again and it will open your eyes AND your heart and it will allow you to also take a long hard look within not because you were to blame for cheating you will never be blamed for that, it is the cheater's doing, but so that you can make see where you could have done things beeter in your relationship. You get so caught up in deflating the flaws of your relationship with the one surfire scapegoat, the infidelity itself, that you neglect to see the root of the problem a problem which if you don't look at will come back to manifest itself again even with MR REAL MAN. Mr Real Man may not cheat but the relationship will fail again.

 

Heck I will never cheat, if anything because I don't want to give a partner who I am in a bad relatioship with the option to deflate our problems with my one bad action. I just won't give that satisfaction to someone. LOL

 

Yes you're right I baby him and he babies me, and it works for us.

Eh? Yup, it's always the fault of the betrayed spouse, through the eyes of the OW or CS. Funny that, ain't it?

 

If you can't see your hypocrisy to justify being an affair partner, there's nothing more you can or will learn, until it blows up in your face as resentment builds, due to enabling and empowering bad behaviours. While this type of treatment certainly helps to reel in the man, it won't last forever. This is a given, in any relationship, even between regular friendships.

[sarme]

Eh? Yup, it's always the fault of the betrayed spouse, through the eyes of the OW or CS. Funny that, ain't it?

 

If you can't see your hypocrisy to justify being an affair partner, there's nothing more you can or will learn, until it blows up in your face as resentment builds, due to enabling and empowering bad behaviours. While this type of treatment certainly helps to reel in the man, it won't last forever. This is a given, in any relationship, even between regular friendships.

 

 

Well yeah hun the fact your marriage didn't work out between you and your husband is your and his fault, no one else had anything to do with it. Unless of course he dies then you can blame death for the end of your relationship.

 

I don't see what I am doing as enabling so why am going to resent him for it!?!? I get what I need from him by doing this so why would I NOT do this!?!?

[Trialbyfire]

Well yeah hun the fact your marriage didn't work out between you and your husband is your and his fault, no one else had anything to do with it. Unless of course he dies then you can blame death for the end of your relationship.

 

I don't see what I am doing as enabling so why am going to resent him for it!?!? I get what I need from him by doing this so why would I NOT do this!?!?

Of course, I'm completely at fault for his disorder. You go girl.

[sarme]

Of course, I'm completely at fault for his disorder. You go girl.

 

You are obviously fixated on blowing off steam because you are not reading what I am saying. When you calm down read what I have been saying and you might have a different take on it.

[Trialbyfire]

You are obviously fixated on blowing off steam because you are not reading what I am saying. When you calm down read what I have been saying and you might have a different take on it.

Oh, okay. I'm 50% at fault for his disorder.

[sarme]

Oh, okay. I'm 50% at fault for his disorder.

 

Ok we are talking AT each other but not with each other so let's try another aproach.

 

Let me ask you this:

 

When the infidelity happend in your marriage, where there problems existing in your relationship and if so what steps had been taken to resolve them?

[Trialbyfire]

Ok we are talking AT each other but not with each other so let's try another aproach.

 

Let me ask you this:

 

When the infidelity happend in your marriage, where there problems existing in your relationship and if so what steps had been taken to resolve them?

We had no problems to resolve, that I was aware of.

[sarme]

We had no problems to resolve, that I was aware of.

 

Really? You had no problems at all? You had a perfectly loving happy union and he just decided to fall in love with someone else because one happy home was not enough?

[Trialbyfire]

Really? You had no problems at all? You had a perfectly loving happy union and he just decided to fall in love with someone else because one happy home was not enough?

Make up your mind sarme. In this exact same thread, you claimed that my ex used the OW. Which guy is he, someone who fell in love with the OW or someone who used her?

[Cobra_X30]

Really? You had no problems at all? You had a perfectly loving happy union and he just decided to fall in love with someone else because one happy home was not enough?

 

I can best explain this by saying... TBF's ex is a special kind of A-hole, who requires constant ego feeding from multiple sources and on multiple levels.

 

It's typically called NPD.

[bish]

Really? You had no problems at all? You had a perfectly loving happy union and he just decided to fall in love with someone else because one happy home was not enough?

 

To ask these questions is to dig for something...anything...any little thing that may have caused someone to cheat. Everyone is going to have some tiny little flaw...and flaws of such don't need to be fixed just to keep someone from cheating.

 

And yes, some cheaters just simply aren't satisified with how good they have it. Its called selfishness.

 

I'm not saying that cheaters don't have other main reasons to try to excuse away their cheating...but some cheaters do cheat no matter how good they have it. Some cheaters just can't handle being with the same person and forsaking all others for the rest of their lives. Its called being fickle.

[bish]

I can best explain this by saying... TBF's ex is a special kind of A-hole, who requires constant ego feeding from multiple sources and on multiple levels.

 

It's typically called NPD.

 

BINGO....well said.

[sarme]

Make up your mind sarme. In this exact same thread, you claimed that my ex used the OW. Which guy is he, someone who fell in love with the OW or someone who used her?

 

Well I dont know your story, sorry. If I said something differently before it it must have been based on something you said that tipped me off to say that, I can't recall. I think what I said was that if you had patience in getting to understand your man maybe he wouldn't have ended up in the arms of another woman.

 

At any rate why don't you stop beating around the bush and just say what he did, was it a fling just for sex or was it a full on love affair then?

 

 

Are you capable of making a post that does not involve a put down or sarcasm? Just curious...

[Lizzie60]

I can best explain this by saying... TBF's ex is a special kind of A-hole, who requires constant ego feeding from multiple sources and on multiple levels.

 

It's typically called NPD.

 

Did you personally know him?

[sarme]

I can best explain this by saying... TBF's ex is a special kind of A-hole, who requires constant ego feeding from multiple sources and on multiple levels.

 

It's typically called NPD.

 

Ok, if that's the case then she is better off without someone like that why would anyone especially someone with airs as high as hers want to be with a jerk like that? I am surprised it took him cheating for her to realise what a peice of work he was?

 

On the other hand I suppose my b/f's ex could be saying the same thing about him yet that hasn't been my experience of him. But then again, to all of you my b/f is a lying scumbag degenerate and I don't fall far from the tree in your eyes either, but my reality is different.

 

It's all relative isn't it?