Would extra effort in the bedroom stop the cheating?

[Kasan]

It wouldn't have mattered in my case. I considered my sex life more than adequate. Just my two cents. For some it probably would, just not for me.

 

So what was the reason that you cheated if it wasn't for lack of sex?

[Trialbyfire]

It wouldn't have mattered in my case. I considered my sex life more than adequate. Just my two cents. For some it probably would, just not for me.

Ba da bing. Someone who chooses to be honest about why they wanted to cheat.

[Cobra_X30]

You ignoring all the evidence to the contrary on this board. Other than that great point

 

I don't get how a woman can read what men have posted here and not get that the #1 issue that tempts a guy towards an affair is that self-righteous crossing of the legs after marriage. Spin it any way you want, try and complicated it beyond recognition, but the fact is ridiculously simple:

 

Let your man walk out of the house horny and ignored every day and you may as well buy yourself a lifetime membership to LS, the Dr. Phil and Oprah boxed DVD set (you go girl!), and a litter of cats - because another woman will gladly be taking up the slack.

 

It's really not that hard to understand.

 

LOL... that's pretty much what I said earlier.

 

Fact is that if a W puts out the effort... that reduces the overall probability that her H will go astray.

 

So far the debate has been in absolutes... but I dont think that is how it works.

[sarme]

I think it boils down to putting out emotionally too, not just sexually. Some relationships are deprived of emotional intimacy. While it is a two way street, typically speaking it is the man who is more "proned" to stray because the guys are the ones who pursue sex with the idea that sex is just sex and who also claim they need variety. Some affairs start off like that but then end up getting emotionally tied too.

 

I know I will get bashed for this but I think the woman should be the ones trying a bit harder when the power struggle starts because it is more imporant to keep a happy man at home than it is to be a an "equal" to your man. A woman needs to know when to submit.

Edited January 7, 2008 by sarme

[Mustang Sally]

I know I will get bashed for this but I think the woman should be the ones trying a bit harder when the power struggle starts because it is more imporant to keep a happy man at home than it is to be a an "equal" to your man. A woman needs to know when to submit.

Sweet Jeebuz!

<slapping forehead>

You got moxy, sarme!

 

Hmmm.

Think I'll pop some popcorn for this one....

[michaelk]

I am one who thinks the notion that men and women are not supposed to be monogamous is untrue. We are not like other animals. We are the most evolved species there is. We can reason. We have a sense of right and wrong. We are capable of moral judgment.

 

...

 

To say that people aren't meant to be monogamous because they're driven by instinctual animal urges is to say we have never evolved in our thinking and sense of right and wrong, and lack the ability to create values and exercise moral judgment.

 

You equate monogamy here to being 'right' or 'moral' or 'having values'. Who says so? Society does. Does that make it the best or most natural state for people to live in? Not necessarily. Society asks people to live in all sorts of unnatural and unhealthy ways. That does not make them right.

 

I'm not against monogamy, but I think we should have a more open mind about what are the 'right' and 'wrong' ways for people to live.

[Lizzie60]

I know I will get bashed for this but I think the woman should be the ones trying a bit harder when the power struggle starts because it is more imporant to keep a happy man at home than it is to be a an "equal" to your man. A woman needs to know when to submit.

 

Ouch...ouch....... hey...stop it... ouch!!!

 

I will NEVER submit to a man.... no way...

 

I know I am smarter or just as smart as them...so if they can't deal with it... tough.. I will never struggle for 'equality' in a couple... it just HAVE to be that way... no question about it.

[michaelk]

Actually, this thread explains so much about what is going on in the world today. Since so many here seem to think that we are no better than animals, it's no wonder our planet is in such danger. It truly scares me that humans can think this way.

 

I don't think anyone here said that people are 'no better than animals'. We have simply been debating the role that our base natures play when men cheat.

 

And the world is not in danger because some of us see and point out this animal-like nature. It is in danger because of the animal-like nature itself!

[Trialbyfire]

Sweet Jeebuz!

<slapping forehead>

You got moxy, sarme!

 

Hmmm.

Think I'll pop some popcorn for this one....

Nah, what takes real moxy is a man who can handle an equal partner.

 

It takes a whole lotta' balls, confidence and real self-esteem. I know a number of men like this. Just hung out with one the other night. It separates the boys from the men.

 

Edit - I should qualify those comments. Perhaps that's also what stops some men from cheating. Strength and no need for constant validation.

[Cobra_X30]

I know I will get bashed for this but I think the woman should be the ones trying a bit harder when the power struggle starts because it is more imporant to keep a happy man at home than it is to be a an "equal" to your man. A woman needs to know when to submit.

 

Many men have a need to feel powerful. When your powerful all day at work... then come home and get a demotion... you won't be happy.

[Mustang Sally]

Nah, what takes real moxy is a man who can handle an equal partner.

 

It takes a whole lotta' balls, confidence and real self-esteem.

 

It separates the boys from the men.

Of course, TBF, I would be agreeing heartily with you on this.

 

(Not that I would be the kind of woman that would have her own actual opinion on anything in a relationship or anything......)

 

back at you!

[Cobra_X30]

Nah, what takes real moxy is a man who can handle an equal partner.

 

It takes a whole lotta' balls, confidence and real self-esteem. I know a number of men like this. Just hung out with one the other night. It separates the boys from the men.

 

Then the most important thing is that you make sure that you both agree on what equal is.

 

I've run into some women who's definition of equal... wasnt equal at all.

 

Remember that the stronger and more confidant the man... the less he will tolerate disrespect. Watch your words in a disagreement.

 

Of course, TBF, I would be agreeing heartily with you on this.

 

(Not that I would be the kind of woman that would have her own actual opinion on anything in a relationship or anything......)

 

back at you!

 

Yeah... I'm not sure any of this particular topic applies to you.

[OpenBook]

To all the BS's who've posted here, saying theirs was a great M, they did everything they could to keep him happy, there was plenty of sex and closeness, and he STILL cheated on you, I'd like to ask you this -- are you saying there was NOTHING YOU COULD HAVE DONE to prevent the cheating from happening?

[OpenBook]

It takes a whole lotta' balls, confidence and real self-esteem.

 

Argh, back to the family jewels again...

[Mustang Sally]

Yeah... I'm not sure any of this particular topic applies to you.

And what topic, exactly, would that be, hon?

Cheating?

Extra effort in the bedroom?

Or a woman who respects (and EXpects) an equal partner in a relationship (bedroom AND boardroom)?

 

OP - It seems to me after 113 plus posts that there are many different opnions on whether extra effort in the bedroom has any discernable effect on the likelihood of cheating/ending an extramarital affair.

 

But, it I had to make a sweeping generalization, I would bet that more affairs start because of an emotional (or intermixed emotional/physical) "need," if you will, than a purely physical one. Just my guess.

[sarme]

Argh, back to the family jewels again...

 

Seriously!

 

Anyway my comment was that woman should learn or in the least know how to submit to a man every once in a while. In today's world so many women are consumed with trying to be "equal" and the fact of the matter is we are different, men and women are different not equal but different. So rather than obsessing with the feminatzi attitude of I have to be exactly like him, why not learn to pick your battles with a man you love and yes even submit once in a while, it goes a long way rather than fighting to be equal in a situation where you will never reach any common groung if you are trying to outdo each other.

 

It takes a lot more selfconfidence to bow down than it does to always struggle to be at par and when it comes to love, who cares about winning a power struggle if it means you losing the overall battle.

 

Personally when I choose a man I want a man who is going to ADD to my life not equal it. The man who choses me would also want the same thing in return. And it is a whole lot of give and take to get to a better place. That's what growth is.

 

Equal is for stagnation and enhancement promotes growth.

[OpenBook]

Mustang, if it IS based on emotional need, then I believe it's this one:

 

I know I will get bashed for this but I think the woman should be the ones trying a bit harder when the power struggle starts because it is more imporant to keep a happy man at home than it is to be a an "equal" to your man. A woman needs to know when to submit.

 

Many men have a need to feel powerful. When your powerful all day at work... then come home and get a demotion... you won't be happy.

 

This is the very essence of what scares me to death about men. They want to be King of the Castle. And if you don't let them be that, they will cheat.

[Mustang Sally]

So rather than obsessing with the feminatzi attitude of I have to be exactly like him, why not learn to pick your battles with a man you love and yes even submit once in a while, it goes a long way rather than fighting to be equal in a situation where you will never reach any common groung if you are trying to outdo each other.

Oh, honey.

I don't think any of the (strong) women here are suggesting that they want or can be absolutely equal to men in every way, shape and form.

 

No, no, no. In fact, most of us love and admire men for what makes them amazing and different individuals from us...

I know that I, for one, love for men to be MEN and I can certainly defer to a man (that I respect) when appropriate.

 

You might want to read more background on some posters because I think maybe you have gotten a false impression....

[Mustang Sally]

This is the very essence of what scares me to death about men. They want to be King of the Castle. And if you don't let them be that, they will cheat.

My dear.

 

It seems you have been exposed to some very UNmanly (in my opinion) men, if this is what your experience has led you to believe.

 

Certainly, there are individuals in both genders that have power issues and for whom it all comes down to score-keeping, etc. I doubt it is only males who are capable of this type of behavior, wouldn't you agree?

 

Keep looking. There are still some good ones out there - you just need to have your bar set at the appropriate height, so as to avoid this wheat stubble that you have been exposed to. Trust me. You can do (and deserve) much better than that kind of attitude.

[michaelk]

This is the very essence of what scares me to death about men. They want to be King of the Castle. And if you don't let them be that, they will cheat.

 

This stems from a generalization that isn't always true. Not all men want to be king of the castle, just as not all women want to be taken care of (another sweeping generalization). Neither will all men cheat. So much of the debate that goes on here on LS involves people making overly general statements and debating between black-and-white views of others' behavior. The fact is we are all different.

 

If you want a man who doesn't insist on being 'king of the castle', then go out and find him! I assure you, he's out there. The only question is whether or not you're willing to put in the effort to find him. In fact, if you look hard enough, I'm certain you could even find men who are willing to let you be king of the castle! It takes all kinds...

[Trialbyfire]

Then the most important thing is that you make sure that you both agree on what equal is.

 

I've run into some women who's definition of equal... wasnt equal at all.

 

Remember that the stronger and more confidant the man... the less he will tolerate disrespect. Watch your words in a disagreement.

Once again, we differ in perspective. What you describe isn't a real man in my opinion, this is someone who requires external validation. Real confidence doesn't require their ego stroked, on a consistent basis. As for respect, it's two-fold. Give it and get it.

 

Perhaps that's once again, the difference between the ones who will cheat and others who won't. Validation and ego-stroking.

[OpenBook]

My dear.

 

It seems you have been exposed to some very UNmanly (in my opinion) men, if this is what your experience has led you to believe.

 

Certainly, there are individuals in both genders that have power issues and for whom it all comes down to score-keeping, etc. I doubt it is only males who are capable of this type of behavior, wouldn't you agree?

 

Keep looking. There are still some good ones out there - you just need to have your bar set at the appropriate height, so as to avoid this wheat stubble that you have been exposed to. Trust me. You can do (and deserve) much better than that kind of attitude.

 

So you DON'T agree that men -- the "manly men" we're talking about here... the ones who make our knees weak -- want to be King of the Castle?

[Mustang Sally]

So you DON'T agree that men -- the "manly men" we're talking about here... the ones who make our knees weak -- want to be King of the Castle?

That attitude is not necessarily what makes a man manly, in my opinion.

 

YMMV, I suppose.

[sarme]

Oh, honey.

I don't think any of the (strong) women here are suggesting that they want or can be absolutely equal to men in every way, shape and form.

 

No, no, no. In fact, most of us love and admire men for what makes them amazing and different individuals from us...

I know that I, for one, love for men to be MEN and I can certainly defer to a man (that I respect) when appropriate.

 

You might want to read more background on some posters because I think maybe you have gotten a false impression....

 

Well I appreciate your suggestion to read up on everyone but honestly I don't have the energy to do that. If we are having a discussion here what is being exchanged here should be enough. I said that women should learn to submit to a man, in particular when the power stuggle for equality starts and all hell practically breaks lose. So I think that pretty much speak for itself rgarldess of people's past posts.

 

I look at all the posts in several parts of the marriage or relationship forum and all I keep seeing is the same power struggle happening over and over and in a relationship it gets you know where to sit on your pedestal waiting for your partner to make the big move so that you can start giving again. It doesn't work that way and this is why so many relationships drift apart as they do, so if all it takes is swallowing your pride and making a big effort to win your honey back before it gets to the point of him cheating on you why not start now?

 

 

God only knows more than one BS is willing to swallow their pride AFTER the affair in order to recover from it so why not start a step early and see if you can avoid the affair altogether by swallowing your pride and submitting to win him back and closing the gap?

 

The only positive thing I have gained from being the OW was to see what is is that helps to push the man even more when he is already pretty much freefalling. I have a better understanding of this now. But what often happens is the BS tries to win back the WS when they are knee deep in the affair, well of course the BS will feel like they gave everything and he shut them out, at that point he is already with his mind and everything else preoccupied with someone else so it won't matter how hard you try at that point.

 

The fact of the matter is everyone has it in them to cheat, some will some won't, some have will power others don't. Some do it for personal reasons others because they feel negelcted or lacking in needs in the relationship. So assuming that when things are bad you could be throwing your partner into the mouth of the lion's den, why not prevent that all together with a little giving in on one's part?

 

Why can't it be the betrayed partner's or the potential betrayed partner's responsibility to bring back a wayward partner when he/she loses their way, isn't that what loving people should do for each other rather than sitting on the throne waiting for the tiara to arrive?

[Trialbyfire]

That attitude is not necessarily what makes a man manly, in my opinion.

 

YMMV, I suppose.

Agreed. What makes me weak at the knees is someone who knows himself. No b/s, can peel me back when I'm being unreasonable but can also take being peeled back when they are experiencing twisted panty moments. No whining or butt-hurt feelings, over a clash of words.