Would extra effort in the bedroom stop the cheating?

[OpenBook]

Real confidence doesn't require their ego stroked, on a consistent basis. As for respect, it's two-fold. Give it and get it.

 

Perhaps that's once again, the difference between the ones who will cheat and others who won't. Validation and ego-stroking.

 

Show me a man who DOESN'T require this, and I'll show you a plastic blowup doll. This has just NOT been my experience. Every male I know has a consistent need for ego-stroking and validation... SOME outlet in their life (whether it's at home with the W, or on the football field/basketball court, or in the corner office at work... or, yes, with the OW) that provides them with this. I honestly do not know of any exceptions to this rule.

[Trialbyfire]

Show me a man who DOESN'T require this, and I'll show you a plastic blowup doll. This has just NOT been my experience. Every male I know has a consistent need for ego-stroking and validation... SOME outlet in their life (whether it's at home with the W, or on the football field/basketball court, or in the corner office at work... or, yes, with the OW) that provides them with this. I honestly do not know of any exceptions to this rule.

I know quite a few of them. Perhaps it's environment?

[Mustang Sally]

Agreed. What makes me weak at the knees is someone who knows himself. No b/s, can peel me back when I'm being unreasonable but can also take being peeled back when they are experiencing twisted panty moments. No whining or butt-hurt feelings, over a clash of words.

TBF...

I'm swooning at the thought of such a man!

 

Also, who is not afraid of his emotions. Or of mine.

 

I emphatically agree with your "dish it out to me as well as take it on occasion" sentiment. I certainly don't mind being put in my place, when deserved (spankings, anyone? Just kidding...).

 

And, of course, who is just hot to f*ck like bunnies with me.

(But I digress...)

 

Whew.

<fanning self>

 

Anyway, I think sarme makes some valid points in her most recent posts on BS's reactions to affairs. I guess I didn't see how the "submit" comment was intended in her original post on that topic.

 

(I need to learn to multiquote, too.)

[sarme]

Show me a man who DOESN'T require this, and I'll show you a plastic blowup doll. .

 

I know!! We all need our egos stroked, who doesn't like or want that.

[sarme]

No b/s, can peel me back when I'm being unreasonable but can also take being peeled back when they are experiencing twisted panty moments. No whining or butt-hurt feelings, over a clash of words.

 

 

That's not a real man that's a robot. I am sure you can buy a computer man to program just as you wish...

 

I love how I keep reading women say I want "A REAL MAN" and people proceed to spell this description of a Richard Gere in Pretty Woman type character as if THAT is what a "real man" is.

 

 

Ladies get a reality check will you? A real man is a man who is filled with flaws as you are. He is a man who has his secure moments and insecure ones, it is one who feels at ease with himself and knows himself inside out one moment and surprises himself of his own virtues and capabilitles and weaknesses the next and one who needs to be babied sometimes and looked up to and doted after in other moments. THAT'S what a REAL man is.

 

you might as well get used to that idea or else you will always be in the search of something that completely does not exist.

[OpenBook]

This stems from a generalization that isn't always true. Not all men want to be king of the castle, just as not all women want to be taken care of (another sweeping generalization). Neither will all men cheat. So much of the debate that goes on here on LS involves people making overly general statements and debating between black-and-white views of others' behavior. The fact is we are all different.

 

You are quite right, of course. But the basis of my premise is the fact that the overwhelming majority of cheating MM who are posting here on LS, say the reason for the cheating is because they're not getting enough attention/affection at home. SEXUAL attention/affection. And also because this is one of the primary reasons why men cheat, in every article I have ever read about cheating.

 

I'm simply going with the majority here.

 

If you want a man who doesn't insist on being 'king of the castle', then go out and find him! I assure you, he's out there. The only question is whether or not you're willing to put in the effort to find him. In fact, if you look hard enough, I'm certain you could even find men who are willing to let you be king of the castle! It takes all kinds...

 

The only kind of men I've found who would let me be "King" are the ones who also expect me to do all the work. No thanks, hoss! Look, I appreciate your encouragement to "look." But right now I'm just happy being a "voyeur" of other people's relationships. Truth be told, I'm enjoying the break (from being in a R) a little TOO much.

[Cobra_X30]

And what topic, exactly, would that be, hon?

Cheating?

Extra effort in the bedroom?

Or a woman who respects (and EXpects) an equal partner in a relationship (bedroom AND boardroom)?

 

OP - It seems to me after 113 plus posts that there are many different opnions on whether extra effort in the bedroom has any discernable effect on the likelihood of cheating/ending an extramarital affair.

 

But, it I had to make a sweeping generalization, I would bet that more affairs start because of an emotional (or intermixed emotional/physical) "need," if you will, than a purely physical one. Just my guess.

 

None of the above... I just don't think your H is the type of guy that needs a submissive wife. Need bieng the key word there.

 

Ah... with men its often difficult to seperate the emotional and the physical... in a marriage at least.

[Mustang Sally]

None of the above... I just don't think your H is the type of guy that needs a submissive wife. Need bieng the key word there.

Well, I'm sure there is a biting bit of sarcasm aimed at me somewhere in there (), but you are right. He does not need a submissive wife, or he obviously wouldn't have married me. I haven't changed that much over the years....

 

As to what a real man is or isn't, in my opinion?

I have never stated that I expect a MAN to have no flaws.

 

Certainly not.

But whatever.

Carry on, and peace to ya.

[OpenBook]

Ah... with men its often difficult to seperate the emotional and the physical... in a marriage at least.

 

In a recent thread, someone posted that men are pretty basic creatures - all they need is sex, food, sports, and more sex. I have also read for men, sex = feeling loved. Would you say this is true (generally)?

[sarme]

Ohoh I'd like to add to that question too, sorry OpenBook hope you don't mind, those are great questions for the guys.

 

so Cobra or any other guys reading out there I'd like to know also

 

I read somewhere that the number one reason men start to feel the disconnection in a relationship is when they feel like they no longer make their woman happy. I read that for a man the number one reason for his wellbeing and personal happiness in a relationship is to know that he is making his woman happy because this makes him feel needed and often appreciated. Is this true?

[OpenBook]

Ohoh I'd like to add to that question too, sorry OpenBook hope you don't mind, those are great questions for the guys.

 

so Cobra or any other guys reading out there I'd like to know also

 

I read somewhere that the number one reason men start to feel the disconnection in a relationship is when they feel like they no longer make their woman happy. I read that for a man the number one reason for his wellbeing and personal happiness in a relationship is to know that he is making his woman happy because this makes him feel needed and often appreciated. Is this true?

 

Absolutely not, be my guest! I'd like to know too...

[Cobra_X30]

Well, I'm sure there is a biting bit of sarcasm aimed at me somewhere in there (), but you are right. He does not need a submissive wife, or he obviously wouldn't have married me. I haven't changed that much over the years....

 

As to what a real man is or isn't, in my opinion?

I have never stated that I expect a MAN to have no flaws.

 

Certainly not.

But whatever.

Carry on, and peace to ya.

 

Nope... not biting sarcasm either. Sarcasm is in my opinion the lowest form of wit.

 

I just got a pretty good impression of what type of guy your H is... back when you were still starting threads.

[Cobra_X30]

In a recent thread, someone posted that men are pretty basic creatures - all they need is sex, food, sports, and more sex. I have also read for men, sex = feeling loved. Would you say this is true (generally)?

 

Shoot... we are fairly basic in general.

 

I think that sex is pretty complicated for men. Lots of women just think sex is sex... but thats really not the case at all. Different types and they mean different things.

 

So for some guys... yes sex = love. Other's not. Depends on the guy and what he is in need of at the moment.

 

Ohoh I'd like to add to that question too, sorry OpenBook hope you don't mind, those are great questions for the guys.

 

so Cobra or any other guys reading out there I'd like to know also

 

I read somewhere that the number one reason men start to feel the disconnection in a relationship is when they feel like they no longer make their woman happy. I read that for a man the number one reason for his wellbeing and personal happiness in a relationship is to know that he is making his woman happy because this makes him feel needed and often appreciated. Is this true?

 

First... you have a super good point overall in this thread. It's an important skill to know when to pick your battles. Most men are not looking for a doormat type woman... although we tend to be more forgiving if you are, but I'm about as much of a strong independant sucessful guy as your going to meet... and when I hear equal... and at this point it just irritates me. I get tired of a relationship pushing match really quick.... which seems to be what TBF wants.

 

Now I can't say thats the reason men start to get disconnected, but I can say that is something that typically makes us very happy. Nice guys... usually have a natural desire and take great pride in keeping thier wife happy.

[Trialbyfire]

First... you have a super good point overall in this thread. It's an important skill to know when to pick your battles. Most men are not looking for a doormat type woman... although we tend to be more forgiving if you are, but I'm about as much of a strong independant sucessful guy as your going to meet... and when I hear equal... and at this point it just irritates me. I get tired of a relationship pushing match really quick.... which seems to be what TBF wants.

Well said Cobra. Better to know what you need first before getting involved with someone. If you need to be the "dominant" guy, then find a more "subservient" woman.

 

I get annoyed at women who pander to men. The thought of mothering a grown man, just makes me shudder.

[michaelk]

In a recent thread, someone posted that men are pretty basic creatures - all they need is sex, food, sports, and more sex. I have also read for men, sex = feeling loved. Would you say this is true (generally)?

 

I read somewhere that the number one reason men start to feel the disconnection in a relationship is when they feel like they no longer make their woman happy. I read that for a man the number one reason for his wellbeing and personal happiness in a relationship is to know that he is making his woman happy because this makes him feel needed and often appreciated. Is this true?

 

Well, I can only speak for myself.

• I absolutely do need sex, and often!
  
• I love food, too, but I don't look to my W for that. She's not much of a cook.
  
• I don't even follow sports. However, I DO need plenty of time to pursue my personal interests, whatever they may be at the moment.
  
• Sex does NOT = feeling loved. Sex can make me feel desired, and I much prefer it with someone I love, but it does not make me feel loved.
  
• The thing that DOES make me feel loved is being appreciated, accepted and, yes, taken care of.
  
• When I started to feel disconnected from my wife, it might have been in part because she was unhappy, but I DON'T think my wellbeing and happiness come from hers. Rather, her unhappiness was just one more thing that made the relationship unpleasant.

So I guess I fall outside of that particular male stereotype.

[bish]

I know I will get bashed for this but I think the woman should be the ones trying a bit harder when the power struggle starts because it is more imporant to keep a happy man at home than it is to be a an "equal" to your man. A woman needs to know when to submit.

 

If a woman has to do what you just said..then she doesn't have a man that is worth a crap.

 

I don't want my woman to fullfill my needs because she is scared I'll cheat if she doesn't....I want her to do so because she wants to. I want a relationship...what you described above is nothing of the sort.

[LakesideDream]

Gluttony is not a natural human instinct, it is an illness or a biproduct of another problem, it is is NOT a natural human tendency by any stretch.

 

It's like saying everyone has a natural tendency to smoke, how come some do and some don't? Ahhh because smoking is not a natural human tendency.

 

 

Smarme, Actually you are not correct in this case. The human body is equipped with an organ called a gall bladder. The only function of this organ is to produce extra acid "upstream" of the stomach to aid in digestion specificly when a person gorges in times of plenty.

 

Primative humans often were forced to hunt for an kill larger animals than they could eat in one or two sittings. As there was no way to preserve food in Spring/Summer/Fall a tribe ate all they could before the meal spoiled.

 

Modern humans in industrialized nations can usually buy what they need, easily. With refridgeration, it's not hard to preserve food for at least a reasonable period of time. For those people, a gall bladder is vestigial (un-needed) On the other hand, people in more remote non electrified area's cannot go to the Super Wal-mart, or plop the leftovers at the fridge. A gall bladder is a life saver, literally in those locations. A person could actually eat enough without elimination to become toxic. Additionally in some of those area's wild game is often a major staple of a persons diet, again a reason for a healthy gall bladder.

[sarme]

thanks Cobra and Michael for the response, very interesting.

 

I don't believe in this "equals" nonsense. you want an equal? go get a clone

 

 

 

Smarme, Actually you are not correct in this case. The human body is equipped with an organ called a gall bladder. The only function of this organ is to produce extra acid "upstream" of the stomach to aid in digestion specificly when a person gorges in times of plenty.

 

Primative humans often were forced to hunt for an kill larger animals than they could eat in one or two sittings. As there was no way to preserve food in Spring/Summer/Fall a tribe ate all they could before the meal spoiled.

 

Modern humans in industrialized nations can usually buy what they need, easily. With refridgeration, it's not hard to preserve food for at least a reasonable period of time. For those people, a gall bladder is vestigial (un-needed) On the other hand, people in more remote non electrified area's cannot go to the Super Wal-mart, or plop the leftovers at the fridge. A gall bladder is a life saver, literally in those locations. A person could actually eat enough without elimination to become toxic. Additionally in some of those area's wild game is often a major staple of a persons diet, again a reason for a healthy gall bladder.

 

So we have a gall bladder for when humans gorge on food!?!? And it a human can survive without a gall bladder (my mother is perfect example of that) and gorging is a natural instinct of us humans how can that be, would it not be vital to our existence? I suppose with that logic you will also tell me we are all alcoholics by nature but because we are equipt with a liver we can process excess alcohol intake for when we, alcoholics, act on our "natural instincts"?!?

 

 

what's your point? how does that equal that by instinct we all gorge?

 

Gluttony is not a natural instinct if you can prove to me that it is then I think you have a lot of explaining to do to all those nutritionists that are fighting against obesity. So obese people are people who's bladders don't break down the food fast enough? since according to your logic we are all naturally proned to gorge on food why does obesity happen? Obesity would not be an illness or condition it should be the norm since our bodies were built to overindulge in food and drink intake.

 

 

Lastly you proved my point that primitive people sat down to eat one big animal in one sitting because they knew they were going to have to fast until the next killing, so of course they had to overindulge, but that doesn't mean we are instinctually built to overindulge it means we are instinctually built to "survive".

 

Very different thing.

 

And the name is SARME.

[sarme]

If a woman has to do what you just said..then she doesn't have a man that is worth a crap.

 

I don't want my woman to fullfill my needs because she is scared I'll cheat if she doesn't....I want her to do so because she wants to. I want a relationship...what you described above is nothing of the sort.

 

My man is worth the world, and bcause of that I intend to do everything in my power to make sure I don't fall back in my duties to him as a friend, as a lover as a companion and a confidant. Not so that he won't cheat on me.

If you place value on your partner you are placing value in yourself.

[sarme]

One last thing

 

And if gorging is a natural instinct and primitive people sat down to eat one big animal in one sitting because they knew they were going to have to fast until the next killing, and the gall baladder is not needed for humans living in industialized parts of the world then we can also conclude that FASTING is a natural human instinct.

[Mr. Lucky]

I think that the motivation for most cheating is based on self-esteem. Since it's primarily based on our own perceptions, it's very hard for another - even a spouse - to alter our course with their actions. If I have a comprimised view of my own self-worth, even the most ardent attempts by my W (sexual or otherwise) to change that POV won't work. And it often seems like the next step, regardless of the home situation, is an attempt to seek validation elsewhere.

 

If you want a mate that won't cheat, look for someone comfortable in their own skin. They'll "want" you, but they don't "need" you. There's a big difference...

 

Mr. Lucky

[sarme]

I think that the motivation for most cheating is based on self-esteem. Since it's primarily based on our own perceptions, it's very hard for another - even a spouse - to alter our course with their actions. If I have a comprimised view of my own self-worth, even the most ardent attempts by my W (sexual or otherwise) to change that POV won't work. And it often seems like the next step, regardless of the home situation, is an attempt to seek validation elsewhere.

 

If you want a mate that won't cheat, look for someone comfortable in their own skin. They'll "want" you, but they don't "need" you. There's a big difference...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

 

 

That's an excellent post Mr. Lucky can't argue with any of that!

 

 

It's valid to note though that the dynamic that happens in "some" relationships just eats away at our self esteem, even if it was really healthy going into it.

[Woggle]

I do believe that a relationship should be equal as in both parties have equal status and their opinions hold equal value but too many women fail to realize that marriage is a team effort and both parties should be on the same side even if there are sometimes disagreements. Many women treat it as if she is over and her husband is over there and they are both enemies. The man in your life is not the enemy and if he is that bad then dump him. Some stuff is just not worth arguing about. I don't want to be king of my castle but I want my home to be a place of peace and an escape from the drama of a seriously effed up world. If I am just going home to fight more battles it is not worth it.

[Cobra_X30]

I do believe that a relationship should be equal as in both parties have equal status and their opinions hold equal value but too many women fail to realize that marriage is a team effort and both parties should be on the same side even if there are sometimes disagreements. Many women treat it as if she is over and her husband is over there and they are both enemies. The man in your life is not the enemy and if he is that bad then dump him. Some stuff is just not worth arguing about. I don't want to be king of my castle but I want my home to be a place of peace and an escape from the drama of a seriously effed up world. If I am just going home to fight more battles it is not worth it.

 

Woggle... those women think they are trying to be equal. That's the problem. Equal sometimes means that you bend to the other person, lots of women don't get that.

[Florida]

My man is worth the world, and bcause of that I intend to do everything in my power to make sure I don't fall back in my duties to him as a friend, as a lover as a companion and a confidant. Not so that he won't cheat on me.

If you place value on your partner you are placing value in yourself.

 

Sarme I read your posts with much interest. You don't say the hallmark moment, but sound very truthful and realistic.

 

Can you give examples of how you do the above? Does it involve cooking every night, packing lunch, wearing lingerie? Or something else?

 

And when you say the part about knowing when to pick battles, and when to bend-can you give some day to day examples?

 

Because if we are talking toothpaste cap arguments, or arguing about drunken binge all nighters that hubby needs to do (for example) , they are very different issues, and I like examples to understand. Also, examples are helpful because people may be interpreting things through their own filters, and maybe everyone actually agrees if examples are given.

 

Thanks Sarme.