Author OpenBook Posted January 9, 2008 Author Share Posted January 9, 2008 When you understand that a weakness in someone's character has the capacity to selfishly hurt others with no regard. Then it might be time to no longer invest trust in that person. The exact same thing could be said of a BS who neglects and ignores her H's needs, to where he is desperate enough to break his lifelong vows in order to get them met. And yes, I believe that "desperate" is the appropriate word to use there. I have been around too many miserable MM in my life who practically reek with that sense of desperation. It's a haunted hollowness around the eyes, like they're starving. Link to post Share on other sites
sarme Posted January 9, 2008 Share Posted January 9, 2008 sarme, since I've dated a couple of these guys in the past, pre-marriage, I do know the relationship dynamics. Also, my g/fs and I are very close and open about love and life. It's very cool to see great marriages that continue to be love stories. I wasn't aware that once I had a relationship with someone, I had to mate for life. Sarme, I'm not interested in making anyone anything. They are who they are. If they're of the quality that I seek, that's great, we have a connection. If not, we don't. If you have a relationship where you continue to try to jam a square peg into a round hole, sooner or later, it's going to blow up in your face. While I do believe in taking charge of my life and making my own luck, poaching isn't my style. No you don't actually, what you do know is the dynamic your friends and their husbands have together, you have no idea what your romantic relationship would be like with those men until you are with them. You are not in the day to day intimacy of what goes on with your gf and their husbands so really you have an idea. You can imagine but really don't know what YOUR dynamic with these men would be like. Poaching is not my "style" either, I wa pursued he saught me out because he wanted out. I didn't steal a thing. I met a man who wanted out of a marriage and he needed that bout of confidence to make the leap towards the unknwon he is not from this country and came here with her, all his family and close friends are back home (where we were both born we are of the same cultural backgound) he did something that he had been contemplating for years but was afraid to act on because his whole world had been turned upside down to move here with this woman which was exciting at first but very soon realised how hugely different they were cultrually speaking. He had a million opportunities to cheat in the past and never did because it wasn't about cheating, we met when things when things were in their last legs as far as their marriage goes and we ended up felling in love and he left and D so now we are together. The rest is still to be determined. It's "wrong" it's bad it is the lowest of the low, I get it, I've hear it a million times before. But I can assure you he is a lot happier now than he had been in many years, and his W will be too because now she has a chance at being happy with someone who actually enjoys being put in the corner of silence when her needs aren't being met, whatever the heck they are. Well one of them was shopping she would make the poor guy go shopping with her and he HATES shopping / malls all of it. But she nagged and nagged wanting him to accompany her clothing shopping. I bought tickets to a game and told him meet a friend because I am going shopping, and get ready for when you get home because I want to try everything I bought on for you in our own little private fashion show for two. I have girfriends to go shopping with why would I nag my nag my man to do something he does not want to do? Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted January 9, 2008 Share Posted January 9, 2008 No you don't actually, what you do know is the dynamic your friends and their husbands have together, you have no idea what your romantic relationship would be like with those men until you are with them. You are not in the day to day intimacy of what goes on with your gf and their husbands so really you have an idea. You can imagine but really don't know what YOUR dynamic with these men would be like.Is the dynamic the question or is the fact that they're "real" men, more the original subject? Poaching is not my "style" either, I wa pursued he saught me out because he wanted out. I didn't steal a thing. I met a man who wanted out of a marriage and he needed that bout of confidence to make the leap towards the unknwon he is not from this country and came here with her, all his family and close friends are back home (where we were both born we are of the same cultural backgound) he did something that he had been contemplating for years but was afraid to act on because his whole world had been turned upside down to move here with this woman which was exciting at first but very soon realised how hugely different they were cultrually speaking. He had a million opportunities to cheat in the past and never did because it wasn't about cheating, we met when things when things were in their last legs as far as their marriage goes and we ended up felling in love and he left and D so now we are together. The rest is still to be determined. It's "wrong" it's bad it is the lowest of the low, I get it, I've hear it a million times before. But I can assure you he is a lot happier now than he had been in many years, and his W will be too because now she has a chance at being happy with someone who actually enjoys being put in the corner of silence when her needs aren't being met, whatever the heck they are. Well one of them was shopping she would make the poor guy go shopping with her and he HATES shopping / malls all of it. But she nagged and nagged wanting him to accompany her clothing shopping. I bought tickets to a game and told him meet a friend because I am going shopping, and get ready for when you get home because I want to try everything I bought on for you in our own little private fashion show for two. I have girfriends to go shopping with why would I nag my nag my man to do something he does not want to do? sarme, nothing in the world that you could say to me, would convince me that poaching is acceptable. No man in the world, is worth giving up honour, integrity and self-respect for. All you had to do was to shut it down. It's that simple. Link to post Share on other sites
underpants Posted January 9, 2008 Share Posted January 9, 2008 The exact same thing could be said of a BS who neglects and ignores her H's needs, to where he is desperate enough to break his lifelong vows in order to get them met. And yes, I believe that "desperate" is the appropriate word to use there. I have been around too many miserable MM in my life who practically reek with that sense of desperation. It's a haunted hollowness around the eyes, like they're starving. I hear you. I have seen a few married people that suffer some really terrible struggles and are too scared to step up and address them. Too often they just want to complain and complain but never take action to fix the issues or leave the situation. Too often an affair partner is just a band aid or an escape from something that should be dealt with. Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted January 9, 2008 Share Posted January 9, 2008 I agree... It makes me smile when I hear things like 'my friends have great marriage, they're happy'.. how can someone be 100% sure... it doesn't make sense. No one knows what's going on behind closed doors... they won't fight in front of their friends. lol I've met one MM once in a parking lot.. he was looking for a mistress... he said he was the perfect husband, friend, had 2 perfect young children.. he was a lawyer... etc... NO ONE would ever doubt he was having an affair... he said that was his 'secret garden'... not even his 'best friend' would doubt him. I know couples like that.. in front of others, they are the 'perfect couple'... ha-hem.. except that one of them is cheating... Link to post Share on other sites
sarme Posted January 9, 2008 Share Posted January 9, 2008 All you had to do was to shut it down. It's that simple. Huney beleive me I have shut down all sorts of opportunities ranging from married men to friends making inapropriate passes at me, to married guys at work to married guys at bars. NO problem. I fell in love with this man after getting to know him for many months and once we established we had real feelings for one another and once I saw the state of his marriage and how obvious it was without even as much as a kiss having happened I did not want to shut it down. It was that simple. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted January 9, 2008 Share Posted January 9, 2008 I agree... It makes me smile when I hear things like 'my friends have great marriage, they're happy'.. how can someone be 100% sure... it doesn't make sense. No one knows what's going on behind closed doors... they won't fight in front of their friends. lol I've met one MM once in a parking lot.. he was looking for a mistress... he said he was the perfect husband, friend, had 2 perfect young children.. he was a lawyer... etc... NO ONE would ever doubt he was having an affair... he said that was his 'secret garden'... not even his 'best friend' would doubt him. I know couples like that.. in front of others, they are the 'perfect couple'... ha-hem.. except that one of them is cheating... Lizzie, you really know some nasty people. No wonder you're so cynical about men and marriage. If I had to live in your environment, I would exit it. Link to post Share on other sites
underpants Posted January 9, 2008 Share Posted January 9, 2008 I know couples like that.. in front of others, they are the 'perfect couple'... ha-hem.. except that one of them is cheating... I know a couple like that. It's funny that they have no idea that I know. What to do, what to do??? Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted January 9, 2008 Share Posted January 9, 2008 Huney beleive me I have shut down all sorts of opportunities ranging from married men to friends making inapropriate passes at me, to married guys at work to married guys at bars. NO problem. I fell in love with this man after getting to know him for many months and once we established we had real feelings for one another and once I saw the state of his marriage and how obvious it was without even as much as a kiss having happened I did not want to shut it down. It was that simple. So have I and it's been pretty easy. You have to take an active role in shutting down those wayward feelings, before falling in love. The earlier you do it, the cleaner the cut. Link to post Share on other sites
sarme Posted January 9, 2008 Share Posted January 9, 2008 Lizzie, you really know some nasty people. No wonder you're so cynical about men and marriage. If I had to live in your environment, I would exit it. Yes we know we know you are pefect and are a superior being and you deserve a REAL MAN who is at your level of perfection. It's really sad that your man skipped out on your marriage and even more so that he did it with some cheap lay that he didn't even have feelings for, it is really a shame that some men will trade in something good and have no intentions of leaving that something good for a meaningless lay. But putting down OW is not going to change what that man did to you. But therapy might help you deal with it? I highly recommend therapy. Link to post Share on other sites
sarme Posted January 9, 2008 Share Posted January 9, 2008 So have I and it's been pretty easy. You have to take an active role in shutting down those wayward feelings, before falling in love. The earlier you do it, the cleaner the cut. What part of, in this instance I DID NOT WANT TO , did you not understand? There is no "clean break" I love this man I wanna be with him he wants to be with me that's what we are doing. we are being with each other...well not right now he is on a business trip, but will be in a few days :-( Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted January 9, 2008 Share Posted January 9, 2008 Yes we know we know you are pefect and are a superior being and you deserve a REAL MAN who is at your level of perfection. It's really sad that your man skipped out on your marriage and even more so that he did it with some cheap lay that he didn't even have feelings for, it is really a shame that some men will trade in something good and have no intentions of leaving that something good for a meaningless lay. But putting down OW is not going to change what that man did to you. But therapy might help you deal with it? I highly recommend therapy. sarme, I never once said that I was a superior being. What I am is someone who's never cheated and will never cheat. If this requires therapy, then your sense of morality is completely skewed. As for my ex-H, he's responsible for his own actions and continues crying into his wheaties. Oh well... Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted January 9, 2008 Share Posted January 9, 2008 What part of, in this instance, did you not understand? There is no "clean break" I love this man I wanna be with him he wants to be with me that's what we are doing. we are being with each other...well not right now he is on a business trip, but will be in a few days :-( That's your choice to indulge. It doesn't change the fact that you allowed yourself to fall in love with a MM and entered into an affair with him as an OW. It's completely your choice in life. Own it. Link to post Share on other sites
sarme Posted January 9, 2008 Share Posted January 9, 2008 So have I and it's been pretty easy. You have to take an active role in shutting down those wayward feelings, before falling in love. The earlier you do it, the cleaner the cut. Maybe the next time it happens go with it, who knows you might find a REAL MAN in the end. LOL Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted January 9, 2008 Share Posted January 9, 2008 Maybe the next time it happens go with it, who knows you might find a REAL MAN in the end. LOL I would never even consider a relationship with a weak man like a cheater. Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted January 9, 2008 Share Posted January 9, 2008 Lizzie, you really know some nasty people. No wonder you're so cynical about men and marriage. If I had to live in your environment, I would exit it. No.. I'm not cynical... I'm just realistic... You seem to live in a world that you fantasize as being 'perfect'... like you have the 'perfect' friends, perfect family... you only date real men who would NEVER cheat... You need to smell the Java my dear.. You cannot say for sure (100%) that your married friends or anyone is your family have NO affairs... I will never buy that... no one can say that... sooooorrrry I once, would have sworn that my brother (who was perfect in my eyes) was faithful... guess what .. he had an affair. Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted January 9, 2008 Share Posted January 9, 2008 Maybe the next time it happens go with it, who knows you might find a REAL MAN in the end. LOL I agree... Sarme, if that's you in your avatar... you are amazingly beautiful... Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted January 9, 2008 Share Posted January 9, 2008 No.. I'm not cynical... I'm just realistic... You seem to live in a world that you fantasize as being 'perfect'... like you have the 'perfect' friends, perfect family... you only date real men who would NEVER cheat... You need to smell the Java my dear.. You cannot say for sure (100%) that your married friends or anyone is your family have NO affairs... I will never buy that... no one can say that... sooooorrrry I once, would have sworn that my brother (who was perfect in my eyes) was faithful... guess what .. he had an affair. Eh? Since when are good people a fantasy or perfect? They are great people that I have the pleasure to have in my life. I tend to eject people who aren't good people, from my life. It greatly simplifies my life. Link to post Share on other sites
sarme Posted January 9, 2008 Share Posted January 9, 2008 . It doesn't change the fact that you allowed yourself to fall in love with a MM and entered into an affair with him as an OW. . This is getting a little ridiculous TrialByFire, huney I never denied that I allowed it to happen, if you read what I have been posting I have said I did not want to stop it, which means I allowed it. I agree with you. I am well aware of what I did. No you need therapy to deal with the unresolved issues of your husaband's betrayal not to make you be a cheater, good god woman as if I would suggest that! Maybe that's where this REAL MAN complex of yours stems from, your Hs betrayal. Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted January 9, 2008 Share Posted January 9, 2008 Eh? Since when are good people a fantasy or perfect? They are great people that I have the pleasure to have in my life. I tend to eject people who aren't good people, from my life. It greatly simplifies my life. Oh well.. good for you... Link to post Share on other sites
underpants Posted January 9, 2008 Share Posted January 9, 2008 Eh? Since when are good people a fantasy or perfect? They are great people that I have the pleasure to have in my life. I tend to eject people who aren't good people, from my life. It greatly simplifies my life. I totally agree. My close friends are those I know I can trust and in turn they know I have their back. With the small exception that I tend to grow very cold towards those that show that one weakness. That however is the predator in me. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted January 9, 2008 Share Posted January 9, 2008 This is getting a little ridiculous TrialByFire, huney I never denied that I allowed it to happen, if you read what I have been posting I have said I did not want to stop it, which means I allowed it. I agree with you. I am well aware of what I did. No you need therapy to deal with the unresolved issues of your husaband's betrayal not to make you be a cheater, good god woman as if I would suggest that! Maybe that's where this REAL MAN complex of yours stems from, your Hs betrayal. If that's what you want to believe and it makes you happy believing it, go for it. It's sad that you've never had any exposure to "real" men. Perhaps that's why you poached a weak man. A cheater. Link to post Share on other sites
Phateless Posted January 9, 2008 Share Posted January 9, 2008 3-way girlfight... I hit the jackpot!!! I'm tempted to mediate but I would really rather see it escalate. Link to post Share on other sites
sarme Posted January 9, 2008 Share Posted January 9, 2008 I agree... Sarme, if that's you in your avatar... you are amazingly beautiful... Yup that's little ol'me! Thank you..now where is that little blushing face avi when you need one :-) Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted January 9, 2008 Share Posted January 9, 2008 I totally agree. My close friends are those I know I can trust and in turn they know I have their back. With the small exception that I tend to grow very cold towards those that show that one weakness. That however is the predator in me. We appear to be spiritual sisters. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts