hardtobeastepmom Posted January 6, 2008 Share Posted January 6, 2008 I wonder if anyone here have been shared custody with the ex, please tell me about that. I don't have any knowledges or experiences. Time and where to pick up the child is depend on the judge, isn't it? One person (mom or dad) has to drop the child off and the other one (mom or dad) has to pick up the child or only one person (mom or dad) has to drop off and pick up all the time? Please help me. Link to post Share on other sites
sally4sara Posted January 6, 2008 Share Posted January 6, 2008 These tasks are usually a constantly changing situation. Things like schedules and any activities the kids might become involved in change the timing and who the responsibility falls on or where the change over occurs. The only time the judge wil make these decisions is when there are extreme circumstances. Like one spouse use to beat the other and the beaten spouse is scared to be around the other. Or no agreement to these issues can be resolved in the initial mediation of the custody suit can be achieved. In my case, my son's father lives a few states away. I have full custody, but his dad has visitation rights. He was given the option to take a deduction off his support payments if he assumed responsibility of the burden of travel. This was great for me because my job requires me to work a lot of overtime around holidays and he would use this as a way to screw with me by giving me two weeks notice on wanting to see our son in his state and thereby forcing me to have to travel and risk my job or risk being held in contempt of visitation conditions if I didn't comply. If the two parents have shared custody, it is likely that they feel they can amicably come to an agreement when addressing these issues and because of that, do not request a set in stone schedule for it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hardtobeastepmom Posted January 7, 2008 Author Share Posted January 7, 2008 Thank you for your sharing but I am still confused because my husband's case is different. My husband has a daughter who lives 50 miles aways and comes to us every weekend. Usually, we pick her up and also drop her off at her mom home. Can we asked for sharing in picking up and dropping off? Is there any law about that? Link to post Share on other sites
centered Posted January 7, 2008 Share Posted January 7, 2008 My husband has a daughter who lives 50 miles aways and comes to us every weekend. Usually, we pick her up and also drop her off at her mom home. Can we asked for sharing in picking up and dropping off? Is there any law about that? There's no law, but a custody agreement will often include the details (if they are important to you) about who picks up and who drops off. I think it's completely unreasonable that the bio-mom can't make the effort to do some chauffering. Even if she doesn't like her ex anymore, she's still obligated to make sure her daughter gets time with him. She needs to step up to the plate and put some effort into being a parent. Yes, 50 miles is a lot. But she either works, or gets child support, so one way or the other she has some money she is *supposed* to use toward getting her kid to see her dad (or picking up from). My fiance was still caving about this same issue with his ex. What it came down to was me and my car were so convenient, and his ex refuses to learn to drive a car, and the ex's boyfriend refuses to play chauffer for a kid that isn't his. So I told my fiance he was going to start paying for any of the gas he uses, car maintenance, etc. No more free ride for his ex. Boy was that a wake up call! With gas well over $3/gallon! It adds up fast. Suddenly he's pushing back to the ex for her to ride the bus or take a cab to get the kid, and she's starting to step up to the plate now. Boundaries. They are fence building. And good fences make good neighbors. Build some clear, fair boundaries with his dead-beat ex wife and I bet things will improve. But *he* has to work it out with his ex -- don't get caught in the middle or they will both turn on you. I like that scene in My Big Fat Greek Wedding.... The mom explains to the daughter that the father is the Head of the household. But she is the Neck! And the Neck can turn the head anywhere she likes.... Be the neck. Or, another anology, be like a rudder on a boat, steer from the rear, let your guy take charge with you quietly planted ideas, and get your garden weeded as the new fences are built. (Sorry about all those metaphors! I was on a roll!) So even with no laws, you can still be the voice of reason and help sort out this mess. If you don't nip this in the bud now, then it will snowball into bigger expectations that you and your guy will be asked to manage. Link to post Share on other sites
Trimmer Posted January 7, 2008 Share Posted January 7, 2008 Thank you for your sharing but I am still confused because my husband's case is different. My husband has a daughter who lives 50 miles aways and comes to us every weekend. Usually, we pick her up and also drop her off at her mom home. Can we asked for sharing in picking up and dropping off? Is there any law about that? I'm no lawyer, and my only experience is in my own state, but here, there are no laws that dictate the logistics of child care in these ways. What happens here is that the parents, when divorcing, have to generate a parenting plan that spells out in some detail all the logistics of the schedule, what happens on holidays, how transportation is handled, etc. What the court prefers is that the parents act like adults and figure it all out in some reasonable way that serves the best interests of the kids. Then the court can just review and approve the plan the parents come up with, as long as they both agree. If there are disputes and the parents cannot agree, that's the time when a court will step in, order them to mediation, arbitration, or have hearings, etc... So here's the question: were these parents married, and are they now divorced? If so, there should have been custody agreements (what my state now calls a parenting plan) as a part of that divorce. That is the controlling factor here. If that exists, then it's not about "asking for" anything - all the "asking" and negotiation should have been put into that document. If it is not detailed enough to resolve this kind of issue (or it doesn't exist, like if they were never married...) then there isn't likely to be a law that you will be able to refer to that says "the mother has to pay for this much travel, and the father for this much..." The father will have to stand up and work that out with the mother, whether by amicable negotiation, mediation, or by taking it to family court... So were they married when they had the daughter? Are they now divorced? What does the parenting plan say? Link to post Share on other sites
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