Completely and utterly .....(Long)

[marriedandsad]

I think I've finally hit the point of no return.

I've been married for 3 years to my college sweetheart. We have a beautiful 2 year old son together whom we both adore. I'm primarily a stay-at-home mom. Things couldn't be better right? WRONG.

 

My husband (call him F) and I don't exactly get along. I'm older than him by 3 years. We argue, yell, name call, accuse each other of not being there for the other....you get the general picture. When we were engaged we were still in college with no responsibilities. That summer I found out I was pregnant. Total mind blow there. We had been together since January of that year. Originally our wedding was set for 2007 or 2008...until we were done college, whichever came first. We ended up getting married that year instead. The week of our wedding I was 12 weeks along, and we found out I had miscarried. 2 days before our wedding I woke up around 4 am hemorrhaging. F had to call 911 and I was rushed to the hospital via ambulance, given a transfusion and had an emergency D&C. We still had the wedding as planned. During this time I was pretty upset obviously. F completely shut me out....that was his way of dealing with it. I would sit on the couch and cry every single night and take a percoset to help numb my mind...and he would be in the other room on the computer, refusing to deal with me. We finally decided to try and have another baby. Several months go by and nothing....I was getting frustrated. Finally in January of the next year I attempted suicide, and I did it in front of him in the car...I overdosed. He rushed me to the ER and I started psychiatric counseling and medications to help me deal with the depression. 2 months later, I find out I'm pregnant again. We were totally excited. At around 8 weeks I begin vomiting and they diagnose me with Hypermesis gravidium...and the OB said it should subside after 12 weeks...wrong. Stayed all 9 months. F started to resent me because I was so ill...I had to leave work and stay in bed, all I did was vomit. I was taking Zofran, but it sometimes took awhile to kick in. Finally our son is born. Everything seemed to be going well....and then when our son turned 7 months, F and I started to quarrel. He had begun bossing me around, getting disgusted with how clean the apartment was, didn't understand why I didn't have the time or energy to keep everything immaculate because I stayed home...so I MUST have tons of time. He also said it wasn't fair because apparently I could take a nap whenever I wanted to. ANYWAYS....we move closer to my family and into a bigger place. Things start to look up and we stop fighting as much. I tell him I want another child....he says NO. No more kids. When we got married we had agreed on 2 or 3 kids. I was shocked to say the least that he had changed his mind and never told me. He doesn't take a daily shower, I have to nag him to do anything, and he has a really short fuse. We decided to go to a marriage counselor. Actually....I decided to go to a counselor..he could come if he wanted. He came to ONE session. He was such a jerk to me that the counselor at one point stopped and asked him if he could even hear himself. Then the topic of children came up. She asked him why he changed his mind. The truth finally came out. "Because she was such a b**ch last time, I don't want to go through that again". My jaw hit the floor. F decided he was never going back to a counselor. He said we were ganging up on him. Fast forward a few months. We got into a heated argument. I think argument is over and I laid down on the bed. Next thing I know he grabs a pillow and smashes it down onto my face so hard it makes my nose bleed. Then he walked out of the room. End of argument. When I had to have my gallbladder out...he was furious with me for waiting so long to get checked. I honestly thought it was a bug or indigestion. When we found out I had to have my gallbladder removed, he got a little more sensitive...but that was short lived. Day of my surgery he knew I was scared to death and in a lot of pain...yet he did nothing to try and comfort me. I was in such hysterics that the doctors had to give me a sedative before they wheeled me into the OR.

 

We separated for a short period this past summer. During that time we did have sex...once. I got pregnant...again. He 100% blamed me. Refused to believe I was indeed pregnant. I had to to go the hospital from work because I had some cramping....they did a blood test...pregnant. I came skipping home and showed him the bloodwork they printed out for me. He just sat there open mouthed. He refused to hug me...nothing. He was "concerned" as he put it. Next day I was in the shower and started bleeding. I miscarried. He gave me a hug...and seemed to be sad too...but I realized he was putting on a mask for me...I don't think he even really cared. He took a few days off this time and stayed home with our son and me. In September he had a week long business trip. Believe it or not I cried the entire time he was gone. Whenever he called I'd be in tears. He came back and things seemed to improve a bit. But that didn't last either. I started getting migraines again, and he doesn't seem to understand how bad they truly are. I would smell something funny then BAM...instant pain. He finally took me to the ER one night because it was so bad I couldn't even see out of one side. I got a shot of Demerol and passed out at last.

 

I finally got up the nerve and asked if we could separate...just for a little while. He got VERY VERY VERY upset and started crying and asking me why I wanted to "run away". I just need some time....to figure stuff out. I know I couldn't file for a divorce...money would be a HUGE issue for me. Plus being a single parent...I don't know if I'm strong enough to do it. F also told me that if I ever filed, that he would go for full custody of our son and bring up my mental health history to back himself up. So that alone has me shaking in my socks. I'm just so unhappy....I cry almost every day now. My mother said I can't go stay with her, my sister said the same thing..their lives are too busy. Plus we're not very close. I refuse to leave my son behind to go stay at a friend's...no way in hell. One day my husband got mad at our son and pushed him...he's TWO!!!! I instantly became mama bear and defended our son.

 

Here is where it gets REALLY bad. Lately I've been drinking a LOT. After our son goes to bed and one of our friends (call him G) comes for the night, we all sit around having a few drinks and watch movies and what not. G and I are like best friends, I adore him. He is one of the sweetest, funniest guys I know. The other night we were TRASHED. My husband fell asleep and went to bed. G and I decide to have a few more drinks and watch another movie. I put my head on his shoulder like I do sometimes, we're pretty close. He put his arm around me and we're watching it. He started to play with my hair and rubbing my arm....didn't really matter...I was enjoying the human contact. Next thing I know...we're kissing. We both pulled away for a moment...and then did it again. I swear, fireworks were going off over my head. I almost started to cry because I was having feelings I haven't had in a long long long time. I got up, and said I needed to go to bed...before things went any farther. I went to bed...completely forgot all about it until the next morning and F was getting pizza. I couldn't remember much from the night before...and all of a sudden it came back like a thunderstorm...flashes and what not. I looked at G and asked if he remembered....he didn't....so I told him, and all of a sudden he did remember. We agree to NEVER tell F. EVER. He leaves with F later on for work and I am completely confused. I call up my best friend and tell her what happened. She is totally shocked....and actually somewhat not surprised. She knows F and I have been having serious issues...she's been there for some of the fights. I asked her if she thought it was just the alcohol acting...she said no. That it wouldn't have happened if neither one of us had some sort of feelings for each other. I never would've guessed G had feelings for me. But the way he touched me...left me wanting so much more. I felt so safe and secure...and wanted. So the past few days I have been crying pretty much non-stop. I want G.....but I also can't walk away from my marriage. G won't even talk to me right now. That alone is breaking my heart. I can't get that bloody kiss out of my head. I am so confused I can't see straight. Last night I took a couple swigs of nyquil just to quiet my thoughts so I could actually get some sleep. I honestly don't know what to do. I feel like a slut and a whore....but I also feel desperate. I want something, and I don't know what it is. Not to mention G is WONDERFUL with my son. I just don't know where I stand in everything. I feel completely, and utterly alone. And I'm depressed....part of me just wants to jump off the local dam...I don't know how to deal with this. I don't think I'm in love with F anymore...I do love him...but not the way a wife loves a husband. I've felt like this for a long time. But I can't hurt him....even thinking about his face if I told him the truth....it makes me ill.

[Ronni_W]

Here is where it gets REALLY bad. Lately I've been drinking a LOT. ...Next thing I know...we're kissing.

I honestly don't know what to do. I feel like a slut and a whore....but I also feel desperate. I want something, and I don't know what it is. ... I feel completely, and utterly alone. And I'm depressed....part of me just wants to jump off the local dam...I don't know how to deal with this.

Hi MaS.

Well, full marks for "truthful advertising" -- that is ONE LONG post. And I'll admit I read only the last paragraph.

 

I am here to let you know that you are not alone -- not at LS, and not in the "real world", either. That feeling of being alone is not fully representative of your bigger reality, is what I mean to say.

 

If the part that feels it would be easier to "just end" things is speaking a bit too loudly for your liking, call a local crisis line immediately or get yourself to hospital emerg. Reach out to people who are trained to properly help and support you though that.

 

Next in importance for you: What are your plans to get your drinking and depression under control? I'd say it is absolutely critical to take care of both those issues, and FAST.

It sounds as if you are at a point that therapy is called for. Visit your family physician, and get a referral. This is important for you and your family.

 

I really don't think that one drunken kiss makes you a "slut and whore" -- others will disagree with me...I urge you to not ever let judgmental idiots add to your suffering.

Thank God you stopped before it went any further than that -- to me it shows strength of character, especially given your (drunken) state and the intense emotional and physical reactions that you experienced. I say, "congratulations" for being able to stop it from progressing.

 

For myself, it was very difficult to not have the words to describe (or understand) what was 'missing' in my inner and outer worlds. I don't know, maybe I was afraid if/when I could properly explain it, my next step would become so much clearer.

 

I eventually realized that having the words would only serve to help with my confusion and depressive state -- it did NOT mean that I HAD to do anything that I didn't want to or wasn't ready to.

 

One of my favourite resources for "finding my words" is this link at marriagebuilders.com: most important emotional needs -- it does a great job of defining emotional needs -- hopefully it will be of some help to you.

 

Best of luck -- I'll be thinking of you, and am sending Love and Light.

[THE THRONE]

I don't know how to deal with this. I don't think I'm in love with F anymore...I do love him...but not the way a wife loves a husband. I've felt like this for a long time. But I can't hurt him....even thinking about his face if I told him the truth....it makes me ill.

 

I'll tell you how to deal with this. You go get yourself a phone book. Most grocery stores have them. Better yet, you have internet access so go to google. Do a search for "DIVORCE LAWYERS" and find one close to your area.

 

You have been mentally, verbally and physically abused. Your child has been abused and subjected to seeing his father abuse you, but you can't hurt him? He has hurt you to the point where you tried to off yourself but you can't hurt him? He has hurt you to the point where you were on meds but you can't hurt him?

 

You stay in this marriage you'll get what's coming to you and thats a closed casket funeral with all your family mourning and sobbing because this guy will eventually kill you.

[marriedandsad]

I'll tell you how to deal with this. You go get yourself a phone book. Most grocery stores have them. Better yet, you have internet access so go to google. Do a search for "DIVORCE LAWYERS" and find one close to your area.

 

You have been mentally, verbally and physically abused. Your child has been abused and subjected to seeing his father abuse you, but you can't hurt him? He has hurt you to the point where you tried to off yourself but you can't hurt him? He has hurt you to the point where you were on meds but you can't hurt him?

 

You stay in this marriage you'll get what's coming to you and thats a closed casket funeral with all your family mourning and sobbing because this guy will eventually kill you.

 

I don't think he would ever kill me or our son, he's not like that at all....he just sometimes doesn't think before he acts or speaks. G has stood up for me before, told F that he needed to relax a little. I'm no saint...trust me. I've said plenty of hurtful things and even kicked him in the shin once when I was to the point of no words.

 

I want to get help...but I know if I do...he'll win in court. Hands down. I can't let him take away our son like that. I'll have that instability on my record forever. Our neighbor was over the other day, and she said I am a completely different person when my husband isn't around...I'm actually cheerful and relaxed...but the moment he's home, the tension builds. He actually started yelling at me in front of her the other day. She didn't say anything or interfere. But she was pretty put off by how he was blaming everything on me. Divorce isn't cut and dry....especially when there is a child involved.

 

I just don't know what to do about G.....half my friends say stay away from him and concentrate on my marriage, then I have some others telling me to talk to G and see how he feels....I don't want to have an affair...but I do. I just couldn't have sex with another man while I am still married...crappy marriage or not. I am legally married and until that changes I can't do it. And I don't just want sex...I want the emotions I had the other night...the feelings. It took my breath away and woke me up.

 

Thank you to the other poster I will go to that link. I am missing something, and I don't know what it is.