Platoface Posted June 15, 2003 Share Posted June 15, 2003 Background information: I have been married for 3 1/2 years to a woman I met at a Deli and we dated for 1 month before she moved in w/ me and we were married 6 months after that. We both had full time jobs that took much of our time but we managed to find time for each other. After about 1 year I went on a diet and lost 30 lbs. and never felt or looked better and this temporarily went to my head. Apparently my ego needed the attention of more women and I subsequently met a couple of women online and chatted with them in semi-erotic ways. My wife found the chats and almost divorced me but she did not and I changed my ways about other women. 3 years later she still holds it over my head and now that I have been layed off and am back in school I feel powerless while she goes out once a week and dances in her miniskirt... very mini... and does not want me around while doing that. Our sex life crumbled after the chat incident and I turned to porn on the internet to satisfy myself, after all I have needs also... nothing twisted, just your run of the mill lesbian and man-women porn. I take care of her son who is 10 who was almost flunking out of 2nd and 3rd grade until he now lives with us 6 out of 7 days now (his father gets him 1 day a week, sunday) and he now has made the A-B honor roll in 4th grade and is really proud of himself as he should be. My wife is never around to help him as she is GM of the restaurant she works at. Lately she has been going out after work and not telling me where she is going, no phone call, and she calls it commeradery (sp?)... I calll it taking time away from me, our marriage is crap and this his her way of fixing it I guess. I am soo lonely and tired of being second fiddle. i erred in the past but it is behind me, she printed out all the chats I had with the other women from 3 years ago and still keeps them to this day. She will not forgive me for them but how much do I have to suffer over this. My heart aches so much and I cannot concentrate and I feel all alone. i am a recovering alcoholic who has been clean and sober for over 5 years now and maybe I am not as strong emotionally as I thought I could be. I just hurt so badly. Any advice would be appreciated. To me divorce is not an option although she has threatened it numerous times. Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted June 15, 2003 Share Posted June 15, 2003 And why isn't divorce an option? This woman doesn't love you, she doesn't care for you, she enjoys hurting you and she isn't much of a wife to you at all. She is vengeful and just plain mean. I am assuming you have talked to her with no results. She has taken one transgression and used it to grab you by the cojones and throw it in your face forever. I do understand that she would be angry but her anger is disproportionate to the offence. The real test would be to ask her to go to counselling with you. If she agrees to go, there is a little interest on her part to heal the marriage. If she refuses, file the divorce papers. You made a mistake, forgive yourself and move on. You aren't a child and you don't need somebody around who's going to throw crap in your face ever day of your life. What she is doing now is totally wrong and you don't need to be a part of it. If you are unwilling to divorce her, since you say that's not an option, then God have mercy on your soul as you suffer the fool that will be your wife for many years. My guess is that once she has gotten what she considers a suffucient amount of revenge, she will divorce you. She certainly has no desire to be married to you, which is proven by her treatment of you. Link to post Share on other sites
zoecharlene Posted June 17, 2003 Share Posted June 17, 2003 If you can get her to sit down and listen to you....try this. Tell her you want to let all that internet cheating go. It's in the past and you don't want anything to do with it anymore. Explain to her how you are hurting. Tell her how you don't appreciate how she is going out without you and you want her to stop, and by her doing this you will NEVER cheat on her again. Internet or not, it's cheating. Suggest that she burn the printed email love affairs with you there. Tell her you want to rid of all the bad and try to start working towards a better future. She will never forget those emails, but sometimes it takes burning, shredding, or whatever to something that has hurt the woman to try to forget. She could be reading them on a regular basis, which is making her go shake her ass for other men. This may make her feel good because she feels she's getting revenge, but in reality it's only making things worse. She could be doing this and only feeling a temporary relief, which will come back and kick her in the ass later on. I'm sure she's very aware of how you feel towards marriage and you're willing to work on your relationship, so ask her for the same respect. If she doesn't show you any sign of trying to work with you on this, then make a decision to leave. I hate how everyone thinks divorce is the answer to all problems. That's why so many kids/people are screwed these days. Growing up thinking "giving up" is the way to go. Link to post Share on other sites
NEONINK Posted June 17, 2003 Share Posted June 17, 2003 At least pat yourself on the back for what you have accomplished. Start with a positive affirmation everyday and go up from there. You have been sober for 5 years dammit! That's everything! That's cool. That's something to trumpet! Shave, shower, and whatever else, and go out and start pounding the pavement for another job. We work for our self-esteem as well as a paycheck. You stopped the internet chat crap! That's progress that you are ready to start having an adult consensual loving relationship. Now, find out if she want the same with you! If she does, it's time she started behaving like it. Otherwise, shine up your shoes and find someone else. Living on sex over the internet is a poor excuse. Trying loving with the actual person. Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted June 17, 2003 Share Posted June 17, 2003 I don't know, Zoe, it sounds like his wife is using his past indiscretion as HER right to play dirty now. Being upset and not forgetting about his mistakes are one thing, throwing it in his face and getting even with him is another. getting out of a relationship (marriage or otherwise) that's cancerous to the parties involved is not necessarily "giving up," it's a healthy, if painful, step. I've seen people act like divorce is the latest prize in a Happy Meal, but I've also seen people stay together for the wrong reasons, thus totally screwing up their kids' minds. In order for a healthy relationship to survive, there has to be give and take and room to grow. If one person in the equation is playing by a different set of rules, the relationship suffers, which sounds like Plato's case. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Platoface Posted June 17, 2003 Author Share Posted June 17, 2003 I have been trying to get a part time job, but with a college class in the morning till 10 and then having the responsibility for a 10 yo after 3 there are not many place willing to hire me. I thought I had a job for sure at Sams club but apparently kids scare off any employer. She is half heartedly attemptimg to go to a therapist on her own but I keep having to remind her that she needs to make an appt. At least she sees that there is a problem on her side and it is not all me. We went to one right after the chat thing but the marriage counselor wanted to see her w/o me and that scared her off. She is a perfectionist who was in the army for 7 years so she is no stranger to the mind of men. She never knew her father growing up so I know there are some father issues there as well. I feel like that when we met she idealized me as some perfect partner and when I showed her I was fallible to an extent she saw me something less than perfect and now in her mind I will never be "that" person again therefore negating that "perfect" future she possibly envisioned. She also thinks that she is --possibly-- punishing me still for my past transgression. Things seem to get better for a while and then lately she has been going out dancing with coworkers and I am definitely NOT invited and that pisses me off to no end. I ask her how she would feel if the shoe was on the other foot and I get no response. Do I feel she is punishing me sometimes... yes, but I am willing to stick it out and see if gets better and hopefully solve these problems and salvage our marriage. Thanks again everybody for your thoughts. Link to post Share on other sites
NEONINK Posted June 18, 2003 Share Posted June 18, 2003 It's time for forgiveness for each of you. You need to forgive yourself and her. She needs to forgive you and her father and everybody else in her life that has ever screwed her over. Forgiveness is taught in Christianity. That's one of it's best aspects. The whole Christian faith is built on the premise that God's son died for FORGIVENESS. Forgiveness releases the person doing the forgiving! It releases them of resent, anger, hurt, bitterness, and all the other bad stuff that people can harbor. It is nothing less than a wonderful gift to give yourself. When I say, "I forgive you". Hell, I'm doing that for me, not you. I'm releasing the crap that has built up that is poisoning me. Print this out and remember it, give it to her, whatever it takes. It seems stupid that you two have a good relationship, care for a son, and support each other, but cling on the past sh*t. Mistakes are tools of learning. You make a mistake and learn not to do that again. Hello? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Platoface Posted June 18, 2003 Author Share Posted June 18, 2003 I asked her kindly if we could burn those printed chats together and wipr the slate clean but she still refuses to get rid of them on "my timetable"... she says she will be the one todecide when to rid herself of these letters. It is awfully hurtful and makes me feel angry at myself even though I have forgiven myself but it still makes me hurt deep inside and then I get angry at myself and my blood pressure rises and I have to get away from her so I can regain my composure before she sees that I have almost lost it. To make things worse one of her coworkers is pregnant and her husband is a POS who wants nothing to do w/ the baby so my wife has been going to the doctor with her which takes up even MORE of our little time together and I see this aspect as only getting worse. I told her we need to fix our relationship before she goes off and plays surrogate father for this girl. My mood swings like a friggin metronome lately and it is hard to concentrate on much anything anymore but posting here seems to be helping me see things in a brighter light. Thanks again. Link to post Share on other sites
NEONINK Posted June 18, 2003 Share Posted June 18, 2003 I understand. The key might be to surround yourself with positive things and people. Join some things for yourself, perhaps a hiking club or gym or camera club or whatever your fancy is. Stay out of the chat rooms, that only exacerbates the problems with your marriage. You don't need anymore people in your marriage. Get busy with YOUR OWN LIFE. She'll see you have a life without her as well. You cannot change her, you can only change yourself. Read some books by Marianne Williamson that talk about getting in touch with yourself and your spirituality. You sound poised for relationship growth, so grow. If she's there when you are done growing, great! If not, then you'll be better prepared to decide your own future. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Platoface Posted June 18, 2003 Author Share Posted June 18, 2003 Thanks. I will do what I can to make it work but I believe in my meart AND mind that she will forgive me soon. I see her wheels turning in her head and that is a positive sign... Thanks again for the replies. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Platoface Posted June 20, 2003 Author Share Posted June 20, 2003 She has great female employee who is transferring to a store that is 70 miles away. She baked her a cake and now she tells me that she is going to a going away dinner for her employee in the this city (that is 70 miles away). Not even a hint if I was invited to this function and my blood pressure has skyrocketed and I feel helpless as usual. My night will be spent grouting the new tile I laid in our masterbath. She says she will for sure be home that night but I am highly doubting that since I am sure she will be drinking and she will have a lame excuse why she did not come home but I am not supposed to question what or how she does her extra curricular activities... I think I am babbling now and just feeling very hurt as she always finds time for her employees but not for patching up our marriage. I need some words of encouragement from some forum members her to get me thru this bump in the road. Thaks for the support. Link to post Share on other sites
RogueK Posted June 22, 2003 Share Posted June 22, 2003 I've read your thread and i don't have much to say but hang in there. If your wife genuinely seems like she'll eventually want to make the marriage happy and work then press on and fight the good fight. You don't think there's any infidelity going on is there? NOTHING is worth going through that pain. It seems you really need to ask her if she wants this or not..for you're saninty at least. I truely hope it works out in your favor however. I hope everything goes straight again and you can get your wife back. I am here pulling for you. Link to post Share on other sites
blossom Posted June 22, 2003 Share Posted June 22, 2003 I'm curious as to whether she wants a husband or a built in babysitter. You are taking care of the child when she is going out and about right? Maybe she has too much freedom to do as she pleases right now. Holding those chats and emails over your head and making you feel continually guilty is a pretty dirty way for her to control you. I would detach from her and no longer let her blackmail get to me. Its hard to do but if she sees she can no longer make you feel bad by throwing that up in your face the only thing she can do is stop that behavior. I feel for you because you seem to sincerely want to work this out with her. She needs to realize that you too have rights and a say in this relationship. Don't let her continue to walk all over you, you deserve better. Blossom Link to post Share on other sites
Author Platoface Posted July 23, 2006 Author Share Posted July 23, 2006 Well it is a few years later and our marriage, although not pefect, is on steady ground. She values me as a husband and I value her for all she has done for us while I have been in school. I graduate in one week and will be getting a job soon there after. We moved b/c she is now a district manager and we have grown closer to each other. She trashed the old chat sessions and has let my transgressions go. As I have hers. I believe in marriage and will not back away from the hard times. I know when to throw in the towel and this was not the case, thank goodness. Thanks for your support in my times of need. God bless you all. Link to post Share on other sites
Anonymous Posted July 24, 2006 Share Posted July 24, 2006 Umm hello? I might still be upset too. I love my husband so much, I could see that hurting for years. That is adultery, you know! Porn?! I would be pissed if I were her too. Nowadays everyone tries to convince themselves porn isn't adultery, but it is. Link to post Share on other sites
stacym75 Posted July 24, 2006 Share Posted July 24, 2006 I wouldn't be pi*sed off if my husband watched porn ,its a natural thing .At least he wasn't out doing it,and he sounded very sorry for the chat stuff.And he said his marriage is better so why be so hard on him .He stuck in there and made it better. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted July 26, 2006 Share Posted July 26, 2006 I wouldn't be pi*sed off if my husband watched porn ,its a natural thing .At least he wasn't out doing it,and he sounded very sorry for the chat stuff.And he said his marriage is better so why be so hard on him .He stuck in there and made it better. I am a fundamentalist Christian, so obviously I think that porn is a sin. He asked for an opinion... I gave it. Obviously his wife is still pissed... he should try to be more inderstanding of that... However, if he apologized and she accepted, she should forgive and forget... not hold a record of wrongs. If we are merciful of others, our Father in Heaven will be merciful on us. I do agree that he is a good man for sticking in there and trying his best to work it out. Link to post Share on other sites
kitkat826 Posted July 26, 2006 Share Posted July 26, 2006 Thanks for this update! Im glad to see things are better. I wish you all the best of luck. Link to post Share on other sites
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