all of a sudden he lights into me

[lostaussie]

Hi there,

 

have posted here before but have not had any luck with any replies, so if you could help me out on this one it would be very much appreciated. Soooooo here is my story.

 

I was in love with this guy, and had a "friends with benefits" thing going (though at the time, I actually thought it was more). I honestly thought that he felt the same as me etc, and we got quite close to each other. Anyhow, he found someone else. took myself off to recuperate which I did, and I then met someone else (who coincidently happened to be quite good mates with the first guy - not that I knew this until later.... they are not in contact anymore thank god)

 

Anyway, around christmas, guy no. 1 starts calling again, ostensibly to "talk" about his relationship - he had asked this other girl to marry three weeks after they met, and now she was playing games with his head, or so he says..... Anyway, I was trying to be the mature adult and all, and I continued to talk to him (it was mainly a phone buddy friendship, as he never wanted to meet or anything) he and his girl broke up, then he started calling me everyday. Often we would fight, because at times he can be very manipulative (he keeps turning things around as if it is my fault - he gets me soooo frustrated at times that I become almost incoherent). but He continues to call.

 

At the same time, he starts to insinuate that my guy is only doing the "friends with benefits" thing, which because of what happened with guy 1, eats away at my insecurities, so now I start having problems with guy number 2.... Any how, after a long time apart, he has got back with his ex fiance, even though he has been calling her a psycho bitch from hell. He rings me to tell me about it.

 

THen all of a sudden he lights into me, accusing me of having a hidden agenda for getting back with him, and that everything is my fault and that there appear to be "rules" in being friends with me (I expect to be treated with respect and common courtesy, and as I do a lot of stuff for those that I consider my friend, ok maybe I expect the same in return, but is that a lot too ask for?)

 

as for having a hidden agenda, I dont. I am in love with my new guy, and I am hoping that we will work out our problems.

 

This is confusing, it is for me, I have a headache just thinking about it. Maybe, I should just wipe him, but I dont have that many friends here where I live, and too lose one would be very hard. please help

[Tony T]

He is NOT your friend. Maybe you don't have many friends because you don't know what a friend is. Get some help in finding out because friends are jewels. Meanwhile, tell this guy not to call you ever again.

 

You will find that when you stop putting up with crap off of people, you won't get anymore. Don't put up with it from friends, associates or anybody. You don't need to deal with it. You only live once.

[midori]

This guy is, at best, a very confused and immature person. Regardless of his age. He is not a friend by any stretch of the imagination.

 

There are men and women in the world who need to have constant supportive contact with members of the opposite sex. It's a weird and unfillable insecurity. I have a female friend who collects "boyfriends" -- men she sometimes gets romantically involved with, and sometimes she just keeps them hanging around thinking that maybe there's a chance they'll be romantically involved at some point. It's never entirely clear in her mind whether or not she would develop a romance with any of these men, and if she's in a dry spell or a low point, she will start up with one or two of them ... but then drop them and blame them for it. She's a rather troubled soul. I have an ex boyfriend who used to (and I'm sure still does) similar things.

 

It sounds like this guy has difficulty with boundaries in his relationships. He accuses you of having an agenda perhaps because in HIS mind it's not clear whether or not you're just a friend. It's his own emotions that are confusing him. Don't take that as a sign that he wants to get back together with you, and even if he does I would hope that you see what an emotional basket-case he is.

 

I've also found that such people like to set you up to voice bad things about their boyfriend/girlfriend or work or whatever, things that they're kind of thinking themselves but don't want to admit. Then, once you voice the bad thing, they can attack it and you -- accusing you of having an agenda or being mean or stupid. They externalize the idea and attach it to you, which allows them to dismiss it altogether.

 

For example, you said that he as described his (ex) fiancee as a psycho bitch ... so perhaps when he announced that they were back together you, as his friend, said "oh but what about her tendency to ___ and the fact that she's always ___" -- things he had complained about before. Maybe these are things he's worried about himself on some level, but he's not able to deal with it. So when you bring them up, you get attacked for having an agenda. It allows him to sweep such concerns aside as nonsense that comes from someone who has an agenda.

 

But the worst thing in what you've described is how he has tried to inject doubt into your relationship with your current boyfriend. How dare he? Who's the one with the agenda ...?

 

Who needs that crap? He's not a friend, he's not supportive of you. Find other friends. A dog would be a much better and more loyal friend than this guy. Don't take his calls, don't return his emails. Don't tell him you're cutting him off; just do it. If he's at all like my female friend or my ex boyfriend, he probably thrives on emotional turmoil -- for one thing it keeps him from having to deal with the things he wants to avoid. And he probably gets a rush from it. But really, his antics are meaningless, tiresome, and boring when you think about it. Emotionally he's still in junior high school. Would you want to have a 14-year-old for a friend?

[escol]

I have a similar problem; the only difference is all involved have so many mutual friends. My current boyfriend had a previous "friends with benefits" situation. He ended that before we got together and she has since "moved on" and has a boyfriend. When we first started dating, I told him to spend one night a week with her because I knew they spent so much time together before and would get upset that I stole all of his time. The problem is she has since told him how much she still likes him and her public jealousy makes it uncomfortable for us a couple to hang out with her . I have told him how much this upsets me but I don't force the issue since I don't want to tell him what to do. The question is should I be upset that they still hang out now or am I just being irrational?