Is she being a tease?

[niceguy27]

So a friend of mine whom Ive been spending loads of time with has been getting more and more physical with me. We are both single (me just 5 months out) and her about a year out. Anyway, Ive known her for a few years but she was seeing a somewhat buddy of mine so I always kept my distance. I told her a month or two back that I would like to take her out on "dates." She responded by saying to the effect of lets see what happens and go with the flow.

 

Recently we have been spending 3-4 days together a week. The weekends we go to the club and hang out. At first we danced like regular friends, flirty but not getting that close. But now we go out and the people we are with think we act like a couple. Slow song comes on, she gets me and its her and I on the dance floor. The faster ones, she takes my hands and puts em in "provactive" places...So, you can see that there is definitely some sexual tension between us. Afterwards we go back to her apartment where I may play with her hair or she lays on my lap.

 

So here is where my dilemna is...Her and I were dancing together with another girl (yes, it was awesome) and the girl pushed us together so my friend and I could share a kiss. As I leaned in, she put her hand in between us! WTH?? She will let me get all physical on the dance floor, let me massage her at home, etc. but wont let me in for a kiss.

 

Is she being a tease or taking things slowly? She doesnt go out with any other guys and spends the majority of her free time with me (after telling people she doesnt have time to date).

[ElvenPriestess]

To be honest with you? I have been that girl. The one who has a close male friend that I can dance with, flirt with, (yes when I am single) and spend quality time with, but I honestly didn't want kissing or anything as it signifies something beyond friendship. I'm not saying that it's the case with her, but from my own experience I think she is extremely comfortable with you and the way things are. I am sorry that this sort of "leading up to the kiss" ended as it did. It's sometimes easy for us as women to not think of these things when we're just letting loose.

[niceguy27]

As far as where to go from this point forward, do you suggest I just back off a bit and lay low for a while?

 

She knows that I am developing feelings for her and she continues to reciprocate things. The second it starts to get brought up in a conversation, she bottles up and doesnt talk about anything. Its like an unspoken thing where we can act on things but not talk about them because neither one of us knows what to say?? That make sense?

 

Im normally a pretty level headed guy and I can tell when a friend is just a friend but I get somewhat confused with her. Every time we go out things go just a little bit further than the last time. She is a very free spirited woman and follows how she feels about everything so sometimes I think I may be the one over analyzing things.

 

As a woman, should I just continue the way things are and let whatever happens, happen? I hear over and over again that when someone pushes the issue, things go sour real quick and the chance for anything goes down the tubes.

[ElvenPriestess]

i don't know that you should let things just continue this way. Since you have feelings for her you may just keep yourself in suspense and confused. I think you should say something. Just tell her flat out you're developing feelings for her and would like to start dating her. If she bottles up again just say "I'd really appreciate your input." It will eat you up unless you really get it out in the open. As a woman I totally say do it. Especially since there are things that can be seen as mixed signals. She may not even realize what's happening to your feelings when she furthers things on your outings, which is why you need to be straight forward with her.

[niceguy27]

Well Ive brought it up twice to her. First time is what I mentioned earlier. Second time was a couple weeks ago...This is what I said: "We have been spending lots of time together and I would like to know if you can see us dating or something more in your future." Her response was: "We talked about this before. You know, just go with the flow." Neither time was as direct as I wanted it to be.

 

This best sums up her and I...I think in absolutes, she thinks the opposite. Me: Direct dialogue, talks, etc. Her: Actions, intentions, feelings, bonds, etc. Haha. probably the fundamental difference with all men and women.

 

So, this is what silly me writes her last night: "I was thinking of you and want to tell you that I have such a good time every time I see you. Last night was no exception. THese past few months hanging with you a lot has been wonderful. Ive gotten to know you a lot more and youre such an amazing person Selena. Smart, beautiful, caring, and so open hearted. I know we dont need to talk to about anything but I wanted to tell you this."

 

EDIT: She responded to that txt from last night while I was typing with "aww..your so sweet. Thank you! Im in class and I will call you later."

 

Thank you so much for giving me your input on this!!!

[Lucky555]

Sounds like she wants control of where everything is heading. Smart woman she is. She likes you but she wants to take it at her pace. Shes feeling you out and seeing what type of guy you are. Just go with the flow if you are fine with that.

 

It also seems like more than friends and shes comfortable around you.

 

Have you asked her out on a date?

[niceguy27]

We have gone out together just the two of us on numerous occasions. I may go over there and watch a movie, dinner, etc. Ive stayed over there a couple times too. On the couch of course. Haha. This past weekend after coming back from the bar she layed down on my lap and I put my arm around her and we both fell asleep.

 

Its funny because she tells people that she doesnt have time to "date" anyone yet her and I spend what little free time we both have (she is in clinicals and I run my own business) we spend together.

[ElvenPriestess]

You're right, as she has time for your friendship she really could make time for dating some one. But I think Lucky is right. Sounds like she wants hand in the relationship as they say. And that's why she's evading the question with a blow off type answer. She's got a full hand but she won't show you what it is. I'm more of a direct person myself, but she may just be being cautious.

[Ronni_W]

Her response was: "We talked about this before. You know, just go with the flow."

...me writes her last night: "I was thinking of you ... youre such an amazing person ... Smart, beautiful, caring, and so open hearted. I know we dont need to talk to about anything but I wanted to tell you this."

EDIT: She responded ... "aww..your so sweet. Thank you! Im in class and I will call you later."

 

It's also possible that she is just seeing your note from last night as part of the "go with the flow" process that you mutually agreed to, two weeks ago.

Given your obviously special and affectionate relationship with each other, her response is quite normal and without guile or coyness if she genuinely believes that you heard her, two weeks ago.

 

Your note was sweet. What else is she supposed to say? She's doing what she can to maintain what is obviously special to her -- in a platonic way.

 

From my perspective, she DID show her hand: "Just go with the flow."

I'd interpret the first part of what she said then as something along the lines of, "Please don't wreck things, please let's not go there again."

 

BTW, I don't think it was at all "silly" of you to send that note last night -- it was genuine and heartfelt. But at the same time, you are ignoring what she wants at this point in time: Just go with the flow.

 

EDITED TO ADD: Well, I guess you are going with YOUR flow...and she probably meant go with HER flow. I guess the 'flows' aren't on the same page, maybe?

Edited January 7, 2008 by Ronni_W

[niceguy27]

Im glad that she has been pretty understanding of the whole thing. She doesnt act weird and knows my feelings are genuine and I appreciate that.

 

Since I am currently single and so is she, what we have is pretty good I guess. I havent reached the point where it is eating away at me but I am kind of wanting it to go a step further. Maybe not now or tomorrow but the way things are progressing, it seems that it is heading that way.

[brothermartin]

If you really want to see how she feels about you, have a one-night-stand with another girl. Someone she dosen't know. Or just take some other girl out on a date. That may disrupt her comfort zone with you but it may also prompt her to step up and pull the trigger.

[ElvenPriestess]

If you really want to see how she feels about you, have a one-night-stand with another girl. Someone she dosen't know. Or just take some other girl out on a date. That may disrupt her comfort zone with you but it may also prompt her to step up and pull the trigger.

 

I just think these sort of things just beat around the bush. You only live once. Just go for it.

[niceguy27]

i have gone on a date but it was a while ago and i havent gone since. when i do bring that girl up she does throw out some jealous vibes. her roomates have made comments to me saying that they havent seen her act like this with any of her other guy friends. yeah she may be kind of flirty with them but no where near as much with me.

 

i dated a girl once years ago that was kind of like her. i went through this type of ''courting'' process with her until one day things just happened. im thinkin she is the same way. im a firm believer that guys and girls can be friends but there are lines. i have lots of girl friends and none of us get close like her and i do. same for her. lots of guy friends but she doesnt get very physical like she does with me. fyi...we havent slept together or anything .

[ElvenPriestess]

So you've been through his process before. Do you mind going through it again?

[niceguy27]

no not exactly. i was not friends with her. we had met while workin together and after a while of flirting and etting to know each other we started dating. i was just stating the similarities. my most recent ex and met out of the blue and hit it off instantly and were together for 2 years.

 

this friend of mine i have known for about 3 years and only recently have i started to look at her differently. so im thinking that it may take a little bit of ''courting'' (for lack of a better term) to switch from a platonic fs to something more.

[ElvenPriestess]

no not exactly. i was not friends with her. we had met while workin together and after a while of flirting and etting to know each other we started dating. i was just stating the similarities. my most recent ex and met out of the blue and hit it off instantly and were together for 2 years.

 

this friend of mine i have known for about 3 years and only recently have i started to look at her differently. so im thinking that it may take a little bit of ''courting'' (for lack of a better term) to switch from a platonic fs to something more.

 

I would wonder if you could define courting for me. Do you mean just dating informally and getting to know her and her getting to know you? If that's what you mean then I think you could be on to something.

[niceguy27]

Yes. Haha. What an old fashioned term huh?? Informal dating would be the technical term I guess. Focusing my attention on her, flirting, spending time with her, etc. would be my idea. Especially for friends. I think if you dont know the person that well then doing the actual dating game is called for. But someone you know pretty well already but have developed some mutual attraction between the two of you, I think you have to ease into it by spending a little bit more time and attention on them.

 

I have always had a little crush on her but either she was with someone or I was. So we always stayed good friends. And its only recently in the past couple months that we have gotten a lot closer. Both physically and emotionally. I guess that would sum up my definition of courting...lol. I still laugh when I go back and read that word.

[ElvenPriestess]

Yes. Haha. What an old fashioned term huh?? Informal dating would be the technical term I guess. Focusing my attention on her, flirting, spending time with her, etc. would be my idea. Especially for friends. I think if you dont know the person that well then doing the actual dating game is called for. But someone you know pretty well already but have developed some mutual attraction between the two of you, I think you have to ease into it by spending a little bit more time and attention on them.

 

I have always had a little crush on her but either she was with someone or I was. So we always stayed good friends. And its only recently in the past couple months that we have gotten a lot closer. Both physically and emotionally. I guess that would sum up my definition of courting...lol. I still laugh when I go back and read that word.

 

Interesting. I understand your logic but I disagree. Haha. I think as people who know each other already it is easier to step into dating as you know the person better than a stranger. You need to both have a clear understanding where each stands of course. But it seems to me that you two have mutual feelings, and in which case I see no problem with dating exclusively, if you both feel that way. As you say, mutual attraction. That's the first step into the direction of what you are seeking form her. I just think she needs to be straight forward more so than she has been. You know what you want I'd say, and she needs to be clear about what she wants. And if she truly doesn't know then she needs to say so. You're so cute, every time I read your posts it makes me smile. You obviously care a great deal for her and don't want to push her for anything. Very admirable. But remember that you need to think of the effects of this game going on for a prolonged period of time.

 

It's an old fashioned term but I understand it. I guess I'm a bit new age and I have the "Just go for it" mentality.

[niceguy27]

Thanks for the compliment!

 

Im not in a big hurry to jump into anything myself. I have other posts on the boards about my ex's and I recent split about 5 months ago. I like where we both are at and I normally am pretty good at handling my emotions and knowing when to back off and when to come on.

 

One of the biggest problems I had to confront when we split was me living in this nice little box that I created for myself. Since then, I have worked very hard to let go of the reigns and enjoy life as it comes. And she is just like that. Carefree, free spirited, and at the very least she can show me what it is like to just let go and enjoy life.

[ElvenPriestess]

Thanks for the compliment!

 

Im not in a big hurry to jump into anything myself. I have other posts on the boards about my ex's and I recent split about 5 months ago. I like where we both are at and I normally am pretty good at handling my emotions and knowing when to back off and when to come on.

 

One of the biggest problems I had to confront when we split was me living in this nice little box that I created for myself. Since then, I have worked very hard to let go of the reigns and enjoy life as it comes. And she is just like that. Carefree, free spirited, and at the very least she can show me what it is like to just let go and enjoy life.

 

I think you just need a medium ground to this. On the other hand if you want to let loose and let all your cares go then you two can very well just have a lot of fun together. Again (I'm such a broken record) it depends what you want at this point.

[hotpinkrockstar]

You know what you gotta do? Fully make this chick jealous.

She probably does love the control, and what you gotta do is change the tables around. When she grabs you for a slow dance tell her that you think you need to sit that one out, and then during the next song find some hott chica to dance with in front of her. When she realizes that your not all hers I bet she will kiss you all night

Plus, it will make it so she has to confront the situation. I mean, how can she be mad at you for flirting with some girl if you guys aren't even together, right?

[niceguy27]

I think for the next short while I can stay pretty cool about letting things pan out but I am starting to agree about doing something to help her confront it. I normally dont play games or anything. If I like someone I tell them straight up and see what happens. Because I see it as a little harder to transition from a platonic f/s to something more, I can understand that maybe she does need some type of nudging to make her confront things. Otherwise, she just stays comfortable keeping things the way they are.

 

My dating options are pretty slim right now as I work a ton and when I do go out, its mostly with her and some other girls. Plus, I am not one to pick up women at the bar and definitely not one to do a one nighter. I do have one other girl who has shown interest in me and it happens to be the one that she got a little jealous of when I hung out with her at the bar one night. I hate playing these stupid games so much but maybe she needs to get a little jealous. And I dont want to pass up someone with potential if I am hanging on a thread with her.

 

This is why I hate the dating game so much. My ex and I hit it off right off the bat and we were completely open and up front when we first met so we never played these games. That was 2 years ago and now I have to enter the dating scene all over again. Ughh...

[ElvenPriestess]

Well she refuses to make a commitment, you have attempted the "feelings" conversation and she pretty much blew you off. I say if another girl is interested in you then see how that goes. Don't let the jealousy of some one who won't commit to you stop you. She's playing games. You don't need that. Do your thing. And if she decides to speak up and be forward with you than good on her. If not, you'll be thankful you weren't waiting around for nothing.

[niceguy27]

Yeah youre right about that. I havent gotten to the point of it becoming a forefront issue in my head yet. I like spending time with her and stuff and it fits in good with my life right now but I am only human. And eventually, whether its a week, month, or year down the road, something is going to happen. We go separate ways, stay just friends, or something more develops. I know where she stands right now and I do need to be strong and keep everything open and not deny myself anything.

 

Its just I have a tendancy to focus my attention on one person at a time. Meaning, its hard for me to become emotionally involved with more than one person. I know people who date 3 or 4 people at once. I just cant do that. I only like to become involved with someone if there is some type of connection there. Random dates and stuff are fun but I dont have the time or the energy to invest in those.

I know what I want in a woman and I am picky so if there is nothing there than I usually dont waste my time. I am trying my hardest to not be like that anymore becuase I do think that may hold me back a little trying to find someone.

 

As far as this other woman is conerned, its someone that Ive known as an aquaintance for a few years and she is recently single too. Not really my type but she is very attractive and has told me she is game for a casual fling. Haha. Most guys would jump at the chance for that in a heartbeat and maybe I will pursue it. But like I said before, I dont like to get involved unless there is some type of potential down the road for a r/s. I give my heart out very selectively and wont be with someone just for the sake of being with them (like this other girl).

 

Thanks for listening to me! It helps so much to just spill it out on here!

[niceguy27]

So just a little update on this friend of mine. Kind of in the same situation as before BUT now that I have spoken my mind about how I feel, I dont really have any expectations or pressure now. I think we have found a nice middle ground on the two of us.

 

We still go out every weekend and hang out and have had dinner a couple times alone. Our friends say we act like a couple when we are out together and we do get pretty physical when together. My thoughts...I think that in her mind we are just friends. Maybe a little more but friends nonetheless. Sure there is definitely an attraction there and we do probably push the line a little bit but we do it at each others pace.

 

If anything, she has definitely helped me to move on from my ex. By spending so much time with her, I rarely think of her anymore and for that I am very grateful. It gave me a chance to look at my past r/s with her more from the outside as a bystander. And she was there to listen to me when I had bad days and acted all emotional. So for all that, I am real grateful for our friendship!