Is this alcoholism?

[almostthere]

My bf and I go out dancing, on occassion, and if he drinks too much he gets mean. Like really mean to me. Calling me names and saying things that really hurt me. he apologizes the next day but doesnt remember anything he actually said. He just knows he is in trouble. I tell him the horrible things and he feels badly. for a day. then he seems to get over it and likewise expects me to erase the words he says. well i cannot just erase them.

 

I asked him to quit drinking and he does or keeps it at a two drink max. but once at a bar and the first shot or two is downed he cannot stop. it only happens every month or two now...maybe even less so he is doing good opposed to every weekend and the cops being called for him yelling and throwing things around.

 

this weekend was bad though. the worst. I drove him home after a night out (we live in the same house) and we pretty much went to sleep. He argued with me saying that he could drive but i wasnt going to let him. then when we got home he kept yelling so I went to bed and pretended I fell asleep. apparently this worked because he shut up and went to bed (on the couch).

 

the next morning he was still feeling the effects after only 4 hours of sleep and started yelling at me the way he does when he is trashed. The problem was was that I couldnt tell if he was drunk still. I thought he slept it off.

 

now i am confused because i thought he only said mean things drunk. for almost 3 years he never has said anything bad to me unless hes drunk.

 

I dont know what to do. I dont what i am asking....

[ElvenPriestess]

I think you're asking if that last incident means he has for the first time said those horrible things sober?

 

No, even if he wasn't really drunk any more, then comes the nasty hang over. And when I get the groggy sour stomach hang over I can be REALLY grouchy. So my guess is it was that. And he wasn't all sober and back to normal yet.

 

Does that help at all?

[sb129]

I am not sure it is exactly alcoholism, but it definitely sounds like he can't handle his booze, and has trouble limiting his intake when he does drink. Even if this is only once a month, its still detrimental to your R.

 

One of my exes was the most lovely natured, placid guy, but when he drank heavily on occasion he would behave in a way that was very out of character. We were students at the time, and drinking alot was the norm for us then.

It isn't the reason why we split, and as far as I know he doesn't have a drinking problem now.

 

You need to tell your BF that he is different when is is drunk, and that it upsets you.

Thats the most logical first step IMO>

[blind_otter]

Alcoholism is all about a person's relationship with alcohol - how they use, the reasons they use, their level of control over their use.

 

I've met quite a few alcoholics who never drank every day. I was an alcoholic who drank at random intervals. My problem was binge drinking...which you indicate is a trait of your SO in your OP. You said that once he gets started he can't stop.

 

However, alcoholism doesn't really have anything to do with whether a person can "hold their liquor" - there are nice drunks, mean drunks, and everything in between drunks.

 

Why not propose that you both stop drinking for a few months?

[almostthere]

Thanks for the information. I have suggested we stop for awhile because of these episodes. And we have. If and when we do drink it is a glass of two of wine over dinner. It's just once in a while we like to go out but this happens. I guess I am just frustrated and I am looking for the episodes to stop all together. We dont drink daily like a beer or two after a hard day. Sometimes he will join me for a glass of wine while watching Greys anatomy.

 

I guess I just fear that because he was slightly sobered up that he was saying those things knowing what he was saying. He made me cry and he saw that and he still didnt stop. I guess I am afraid that he means them this time. He apologized later in the day (an hour or two) my kids were around after the episode so we didnt say anything about it until we were alone again. He felt horrible but I just feel like he emotionally abuses me and being called a horrible step mom and accused of doing nothing for his children hurts!! especially when you know you do exactly the same for each child, mine or his, and that you really do care about his kids. I cant just shut out what he said. We are talking about it tonight. It all happened yesterday and I didnt think on a hangover with him so tired it was a good idea after the kids went to bed.

 

I guess maybe I should just ask him to stop for the next couple of months and let my wounds heal before adding any new ones. I feel like walking away but he is so great sober. Its hard...I hear his harsh words for days afterwards.

 

Thanks for the help.